Quicksand isn’t real, also, but we don’t have time to go into that
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Suburban Fairy Tales, 4/26/24
Suburban Fairy Tales is one of the new strips I’ve been reading, and it’s a basically funny and enjoyable strip about cute animals, so I regret that my first discussion of it on this blog has to be scolding, but: look, it’s perfectly OK if your cute anthropomorphic animal character wears pants, and it’s also perfectly OK if they don’t, but it’s not OK at all if they take off their pants mid-comic strip and clearly aren’t wearing any underwear but also have no obvious genitalia. It raises so many questions about what pig genitals looks like in this universe, and also, frankly, what pig genitals look like in our universe, which I absolutely refuse to Google image search on but like 5% of me wants to know how well the two correlate. Also, just FYI, that’s a “3” on the pig’s tank top, because he’s #3 out of the Three Little Pigs, which is also fine, but I definitely thought for a while that that was a weird “outie” belly button taking up most of his torso, which is not fine, though it did distract me from his whole genital situation, so there’s that.
Gasoline Alley, 4/26/24
Good news, everyone! They’re not going to change the name of Gasoline Alley after all, because the Town Charter contains a number of entrenched clauses, laid down more than a century ago, that can never be amended or altered, even by a vote of the people or their representatives! This is probably fine. Hopefully Mayor Melba will not read whatever this document has to say about women holding office, or owning property.
Mary Worth, 4/26/24
One day, many years ago, a young man who had not yet reached the age of 30 decided to try out this “blogging” thing by joking about his favorite comic strip, Mary Worth, online. “This strip contains what may be the first use of the phrase ‘Wilbur makes an overture’ in the history of the English language,” he typed, while chortling drolly. Anyway, now it’s the far-future year 2024, and an old man is lying in the gutter screaming “FUCK YOU” at Wilbur, because he knocked the old man over in the midst of a weird sex fantasy about rescuing the lady at whom he made that long-ago overture from a nightmarish ape-man, and frankly I’m pretty jazzed about it, and jazzed that I still get to bring important breaking Wilbur news like this to you, my faithful readers.
169 replies to “Quicksand isn’t real, also, but we don’t have time to go into that”
MW: After reading over California law in regards to battery, Wilbur would be charged with a misdemeanor at best (informal probation, maximum sentence of six months in county jail, maximum fine of $2,000). But because his victim is clearly over 65 years in age, that changes things quite a bit. Even if it’s proven to be negligence, Wilbur could be charged with a felony which is 2-4 years in state prison and a maximum fine of $6,000.
But let’s watch Moy completely absolve her “lovable oaf” of all sins because he used battery to “save” a child.
Mary Worth: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”
SFT: Josh, last weekend Catchy TV ran a weekend long Looney Tunes marathon. In one of them Porky Pig stripped naked and he didn’t have genitalia either.
MW-Wilbur’s slip from reality continues.
MW-Wilburman is the only way Wilbur could get people to call him ‘man’.
MW:
“@!#$%^& you!“
“Sir, I realize that you’re in front of a waste receptacle, but enough of that ‘trash‘ talk!”
SFT: Pigs don’t really sweat. Wolf can just climb out over Pig 3’s body when he inevitably starts wallowing in the quicksand to cool down.
SFT: Watching as much TV as I did as a kid, I thought quicksand would be a daily peril in my adult life.
SFT. As someone who grew up watching TV in the 70s, I can tell you for a fact that not only is quicksand real, but it’s one of the top three leading causes of death for children, along with roadside blasting caps and Bigfoot attacks.
MW: We all joked yesterday that Wilbur’s absentminded nudge was actually a violent shove that threw this old man into traffic on a busy street, but it turns out what really happened is… Wilbur actually violently shoved this old man several feet and threw him all the way off the sidewalk into traffic on a busy street, because that’s something people “accidentally” do while walking around thinking about unimaginative fantasies related to their regrown virginity. Wilbur’s character is beyond flanderization at this point; he’s just a fanservice hand puppet that exists for forced memes, just one more perpetual asshole character who never suffers any consequences, just like Crankshaft, Ed Kudlick, Bernice, Dagwood, Caulfield, Marvin, Edda, and all the other “beloved fan favorite” characters of that ilk. This Wilbur is what Karen Moy and June Brigman think we want. Wilburman is our fault.
JP: It seems that Rurik was indeed Helena’s inside man, inasmuch as we can be certain of anything in this soap, where even the most concrete facts can be forgotten or retconned in the span of a single panel. It goes without saying that this development creates dozens of new problems in the story, but I’ll say some of them anyway. Was this – having Rurik remove Alina from the building for her safety while leaving Helena alone with Pavel – always the plan? What would they have done if Pavel used a different guard? What would they have done if Pavel brought more guards? What would they have done if Alina hadn’t randomly barged into Pavel’s office? What if Pavel didn’t bring Helena to his office at all? What if Pavel decided to lead off straight away with “tickling” and maiming because Helena doesn’t need her fingers or toes to give up her bank account passwords? You get the idea. And I don’t know what to make of Alina’s statement. Is Alina so stupid that she thinks Rurik is actually about to drive from Somewhere, USA to whatever eastern European nation or wartorn developing country where Alina’s mother resides? Or does Alina’s mother really does live nearby in Cavelton, and Pavel really has been living unnoticed right next to multiple massive CIA headquarters facilities for at least five years?
Meanwhile, three thousand miles away in Connecticut, Dawn is given actual parental attention and guidance from a parent who isn’t a whiny child. She immediately rebels and runs away because how dare she not be free to dance with strange men in the club and in their sheets.
“You can’t tell me what to do, Mom! Dad lets me do whatever I want!”
Lillian holds her glass of club soda in a grip so tight that the glass shatters. Really, she should have listened to her own mother and gone off to that south seas convent after giving Dawn up to her aunt. But she just had to be a rebel. Like mother, like daughter…
MW: Moy thinks; “Keep pushing it, Fruhlinger. I can do a whole six panel Sunday strip consisting entirely of Wilbur and Iris making out.”
SFT: Pig 3 could have pulled his slightly less gross shirt off. Pig 3 knew that the wolf wouldn’t touch his pants. Now he can say he “did everything he could,” while watching the wolf sink to his doom. Pig 3 is diabolical.
MW: Alas for Wilbur; the guy he knocked down was also daydreaming. He’s the Doddering Dynamo, and once he manages to get up, it’s not going to be pretty.
GT: We are reminded of the razor thin the line between Gil extending a hand in friendship and pointing an accusing finger at you.
GT: While we’re on the subject, isn’t this supposed to be his new love interest? And aren’t they past the shaking hands thing? Or is this a 3 inch death punch thing?
SFT: Disturbing thought of the day: That’s a female pig and strangely, she’s still covered.
RMMD: Sick burn of your wife Dr. Morgan. From your son, no less.
Luann: As if this story couldn’t get any more lost in the weeds, now Tiffany and Bets are infuriated at Luann by screwing up their testimonial… by giving them exactly the kind of testimonial material they want. Consider, even if Greg and Karen Evans haven’t, that the main obstacle to selling this personal branding woowoo would be convincing doubtful customers that they can benefit from it. Now, what’s the ideal Before and After testimonial to deliver that message?
Before – “Yes, I often feel unfocused and directionless in my daily life, but I’m still young, right? So I don’t know if I need a clear brand right now. Still, I’m choosing to be open-minded and ready to try new things.”
After – “I’m so glad I gave Batubs a chance. I thought I was fine with waiting for a strong sense of self to come to me eventually, but now that I’ve taken charge of my identity and defined myself as a Happy Heart or a Cat-Loving Bad Boy or a Perfectly Sweet Screeching Whiny Petty Prick Mama’s Boy, people understand and respect me as a person, and my path forward is clear in a way it’s never been before! Thanks, Batubs!”
But no, it turns out Luann totally blew it, because expressing herself an aimless mentally-stunted layabout gives her too much personality to overwrite or some such. After all, who’s going to pay $500 for nebulous branding services when they can just be content with their empty, purposeless life instead? Damn you, Inner Beauty, you’re destroying the free market!
@Hibbleton: 4:39am
SFT: Watching as much TV as I did as a kid, I thought quicksand would be a daily peril in my adult life.
@Where’s Rocky?: 4:39am
SFT. As someone who grew up watching TV in the 70s, I can tell you for a fact that not only is quicksand real, but it’s one of the top three leading causes of death for children, along with roadside blasting caps and Bigfoot attacks.
That mirror universes are real has been theorized for years, but that they intersect on a comics blog is kinda surprising.
Last week, I thought Wilbur was going to get a commendation from city council for his absent-minded heroics that saved the little boy. Now I believe he’s going to jail for manslaughter when that man gets run over in the street. Mary Worth is the biggest emotional roller coaster on the funny pages.
SFT: The fact that the pig is offering his sweaty shorts instead of his shirt, the mere fact that he specifies that they are his sweaty shorts, suggests that there’s a whole other level to this interaction. Add on top of that the whole predator-prey dynamic, and I get the feeling that we’re watching someone’s very elaborate fantasy scenario.
GA: Joke’s on them: if there is one comic universe that is older that forever, it’s Gasoline Alley.
MW: God, I hope this continues for another week, just an oblivious Wilbur slowly walking through town like the world’s slowest runaway traint, knocking people over, trudging through park ponds, wandering into changing rooms while ladies scream comically, all while wearing that dumb grin. Please Make Me This Comic.
Also, I love how the name “Wilburman” presupposes that Wilbur is not, in fact, a man. Maybe some kind of humanoid animal, maybe just a mound of ambulatory pudding, but not a man.
Suburban Fairy Tales: You, a normal comics-reading person: Why does the pig have no visible genitalia? Me, a big-brained comics-reading sophisticate: Does this mean the pig can’t go wee-wee all the way home?
MW: Kinda obvious now why Zak didn’t punch his lights out when he called him a gorilla a few days ago. Wilbur is drunk.
Street kid; “Hey pops, didn’t you hear me yell; ‘Watch out for the rummy’!”
Mary Worth: “Look, up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane” and “Avengers Assemble” are okay, but “@!#$%^€” You, Wilburman!” is pretty good too.
@jroggs:
On Luann :
*I, personally, *LOVE* t
GT – Should I know what Bunny Brief is, or is this some hip reference that Barajas is trying to trick me into Googling?
@pugfuggly:
My mind corrected your typo to; “world’s slowest runaway taint” which has really made my day.
[[to the tune of “Windy,” by The Association]]
Who’s walkin’ down the streets of the city
Shoving old men right onto the curb
Who’s fantasizing being a hero
Everyone knows it’s Wil-bur!
And Wilbur has boring eyes
That picture him in disguise
He’s hateful, we hope he dies
(Hashtag Free Dawn!)
Also Suburban Fairy Tales: Pig, you can see Wolf has formulated a plan and is in fact carrying it through. Affirm his worth as an individual, remind him of his connections to loved ones, and dial 988 as soon as possible!
MW: That old-man is using a seven-grawlix epithet to curse out Wilbur, so it’s too long for “fuck.” “Asshole you” doesn’t make sense, but the old guy could be suffering from a concussion. Maybe “assrape?”
If we don’t get Wilbur making an ass of himself and racking up more felony convictions while his delusions get the better of him, I will be sorely disappointed but not at all surprised. Reading Mary Worth is the definition of expecting nothing but still being let down.
@Anonymous:
Dammit, stupid phone…
Again :
On Luann :
1. I, personally, *LOVE* that Bets and Tiffany are giving up on yet another business/scheme that was actually successful, but that they deem a failure due to it not EXACTLY going to plan. It’s, like, dramatic irony?
2. Bernice’s has *NEVER* encouraged/advised Luann like this, hasn’t she? Bernice has often, in fact, DISCOURAGED Luann from doing new things, and has labeled her mentally ill for being directionless before, hasn’t she?
Gasoline Alley: “Impurepet? What does that mean?!” “Forever and a day! Also, no Jews or Blacks are allowed to live here, apparently.”
“Fuck you”? Maybe Wilbur should try, since no one will fuck him!
MW: Just look at the condition of that garbage can! The garbage can itself is utter garbage! This is yet another example of just how decrepit and seedy downtown Santa Royale, apart from gated communities like Charterstone, really is. The city is an utter hellhole! With his apparently second-hand and ill-fitting outfit of nightshirt, baggy Cardigan sweater, and thread-bare trousers, this fellow is obviously a resident of downtown, likely in one of the many homeless shelters that seem to be the only thriving establishments in the urban area. This is why the man whom Wilbur has shoved is cursing at him – not for pushing him into the street, but for failing to push him directly into the path of an oncoming truck and finishing him off.
@Hibbleton: Your mind goes to terrible places. I kinda like it.
SFT: Why would the pig describe his shorts as “sweaty?” He wants the wolf to die, doesn’t he?
GA: Yay! It seems like this story line focused on changing the town name resulted in nothing. That is an excellent use of Gasoline Alley’s five readers’ time.
MW: There are seven symbols, so I guess the old man is saying, “Fucking you!” This is not something Wilbur is used to hearing, but he’s oblivious anyway.
9CL – New plots are beyond Brooke at this point, but we are fortunate that he can continue to fill space by doing Clip Show style look-ins on prior storylines from decades ago. Yay!
Remember when Amos and Edda were making out but also carrying a lengthy essay filled with footnotes about some shit, who knows? And the future ex priest and the future ex nun met and became obsessed with figuring out what the essay was about? But couldn’t just read it? Wasn’t that exciting? So exciting that you want to revisit it again and again!? It was? Yay!!!!!
SubFTs – The punchline, of course, is thatWolf fully agrees with everything Josh said.
Frazz: I love how Mrs. Olsen has few joys in her life, and Caulfield wants to take one of them away, because he’s a petty little asshole.
Luann: Now that Luann has ruined their business, maybe Tiff can finally get that sleep she’s wanted since the beginning of this story. I’m also delighted that the Evanses basically told their readers they don’t intend to disrupt their status quo. It’s better than them just dropping a story and forgetting it, I guess.
CS: Yeah, maybe you should have ventured out a few times during those 50 years, so your strip wouldn’t have been so tone deaf. Too late now…
9CL: Fortunately, Brooke elected not to show the nun goosing the priest.
“Dywedasant fod y cyfan yn y troednodiadau.”
“Ah.”
“Anodi rhagorol.”
“Ie, yn wir.”
“Medrus iawn.”
Zits: I still feel that way about coffee.
FC: Jeffy shits his pants.
GA: Mayor Melba goes on to read the section making Gasoline Alley a sundown town. At first the townspeople are shocked, then realize it doesn’t matter since the strip doesn’t have any black characters anyway.
(Googles to check that… finds reference to Rachel… clicks to see strip from 1921… Oh. My. God.)
So say we all, Wilbur’s victim. So say we all.
***
Oh no! It’s in the town charter! Good thing it’s written down so politicians and/or moneyed interests can’t ignore it or override it.
SFT: There are so many fetishes packed into one strip here that it feels like staring into black hole.
GA: Frank King is of course the creator of the Gasoline Alley strip, so in that context this is like finding the US Constitution signed by God. How does the separation of church and state work here? At the very least, the town council needs a theologian on retainer.
MW: Seeing the old strip made me realise that it’s not just Mary who got aged down – every female character has lost at least a decade. Iris in 2004 looked like the villain in a campy picket-fence John Waters movie. Wilbur on the other hand… I don’t know if he looks younger, but he no longer looks like he was traced from photos of George Costanza.
@jroggs:
On JP: I get the feeling it’s even worse than that. I’m guessing now that, through some ridicuously convoluted backstory, Alina’s ‘mommy’ IS Helena. It will be some fling that she had while Norton was off doing who knows what in the jungle, so that she’d have some leverage over Pavel if the time ever came. Now Helena’s (and Rurik’s?) plan is to keep popping in at inopportune times whenever Pavel is about to reach for his deskgun.
When we eventually get to the ‘happy’ ending where all the ‘bad’ guys are dead and all the ‘good’ guys are reuninted, the raspberry-haired brat will have a new blackberry-haired brat sister to play with. Golly gee, won’t it be just the sweetest thing??
Also, why is Helena singing like a canary all of a sudden? I thought they were still negotiating Pavel not punishing her family by ringing their doorbell and running away.
MW: I’m with Iris. Inappropriate thoughts about the married woman you lost, thanks to your lust, selfishness, and stupidity? Daydreams of yourself as a 1950s-style superhero? Knocking an old man over and ignoring him while he shakes his fist and curses you? Truly, you’re my hero Wilburman.
@Schroduck: He looks like they tried to make him less smug and more schlub by giving him a soft doughy face. Unfortunately it also turned him into being much more reviled.
@Baja Gaijin: Wilbur will be shouting the same thing in his sex fantasy as well
DtM: Writing team member: “Hey, I got an idea for a joke where Dennis sits in the corner and wishes his chair was a rocker!”
Other guy: “He’s been pictured in a corner in a rocker for the entire 75 year run of the strip, dingus.”
“Stop busting my balls. You wanna hit the links or not?”
I don’t recall ever seeing the actual ultimate curse out “#*#*#k you” used in a comic strip before. That it’s directed at Wilbur, the most annoyingly hapless, clueless, self-centered navel-gazing character in comics makes sense though.
Thanks for the entertainment Josh.
GA: If “in perpetuity” means “forever and a day,” then the town charter says the name “Gasoline Alley” will last forever and two days. This is somehow apt for this benighted, pointless and never ending story.
SFT – So…suck my dick and I’ll pull you out? Seems fair….
GA – Oh yeah…well today is the 13th of Never….
MW – @!#$%^€ – a seven letter word for fuck? I never was worth a damn at crosswords….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
MW — Today, the Riddler’s garbage can appeared out of thin air! And yet somehow we’re all still focusing on Wilbur.
GA — Grumpy Mc’Bowtie is really an amateur–he needs to double down and rant about how that’s not the real town charter but a forgery deposited by aliens. See the subtle slant to the “G”? And 1918–what else happened that year? Do your own research!
SFT – I’d like to think that this vignette is happening shortly after the wolf has tried unsuccessfully to blow Pig Number Three’s brick house down. He has heard the wolf’s cries and decides that this would be a great opportunity to humiliate him further. “Trapped in quicksand huh? Well, there’s only one way to save yourself, buddy. This just ain’t your day, is it?”
MW:
The crudely-drawn question marks on the trashcan remind me of the question mark in the floral arrangement on the Sergeant Pepper’s cover which caused widespread speculation about the state of Sir Paul’s health.
SFT: I just want to add “Guns of Darkness”, the 1962 film with David Niven, to the quicksand memories. It was a staple for Sunday Afternoon movies, and probably the best “car sinks in quicksand” sequences there is.
GA: Wait, they had Disney Lawyers back then? We should be glad they didn’t add “the last living descendant of the King of Prussia”.
GA2: Revoke the City Charter. of course.
GA3: “Oh, look, there’s a thank you note that looks like a love letter from a young admirer. You’ll have to leave to the local diner and stay awake all night in the cold.”
yGT: Who died and made her Lord Empress Coach of the Milford Empire?
GT: It’s Kamala, Hillary, or a reanimated Patricia Schroeder.
@39 taig: on Family Circus: Your comment can be used on any Family Circus meeting both of the following criteria: Jeffy’s on panel and the day of the week ends in “ay.”
@46 2+2=7: I was living a good life until you shoved that fact into it.
MW: While you’re down there, could you retrieve that kid’s ball, please?
@The Quiet Man, JP: I’ve been waiting for the reveal that Helena is the mommy. I thought Ces would go in that direction, but veered off. Now it looks like continuity be damned, that’s the result.
Comics meeting reality:
G. &*(#$@! Thorp: A century ago, Bunny Brief was a great minor league slugger.
Zits: This reminds me of a scene from Office Space – called the greatest documentary ever made by Mudge Bravo McGuire – of the gang having coffee at the restaurant with all the flair. Peter says he feels like a pussy working at Initec. Michael Bolton retorts, “I work at Initech, and I’m no pussy” as he’s putting his 12th pack of sugar in his coffee.
Also, this topic was brought up some time ago on Zits as Jeremy says something about having a cup of Joe as he puts loads of sugar and cream in his coffee. Hector says something about it being more like a cup of Josephine.
Mary Worth, uncensored: “SPLOOF YOU!”
@Hibbleton: My mind corrected your typo to; “world’s slowest runaway taint” which has really made my day
“Runaway Taint: The Wilbur Chronicles” would be a good title for his comic series, I think.
Don Abundio, translated:
“Rocky Horror is a great movie, huh?”
“I agree”
“What do you like most about it?”
“The poster!”
Suburban Fairy Tales – Let’s hope this doesn’t set a precedent that Slylock Fox begins to follow, especially if it means Count Weirdly and Shady Shrew starts hanging around, poorly planning their crimes in the buff.
Gasoline Alley – This rule was laid down to protect the trademark the town had, and to prevent it’ use by a then scandalous female professional wrestler who went by the name Gasoline Allie.
Mary Worth – I look forward to Wilbur being the first man who ever got the shit kicked out of him by Mr. Rogers
Before anyone asks, the Rule against Perpetuities probably doesn’t apply to a naming convention. The impact of Zeno’s Paradox on ‘forever and a day’ is left to the student.
@taig: Why would the pig describe his shorts as “sweaty?” He wants the wolf to die, doesn’t he?
Exactly my first thought. “If you want to live, grab on to my sweaty, skid marked, jizz stained shorts” is a real power move.
Last year umpire Phil Cuzzi got caught on mic when he ejected Houston hitting coach Alex Cintron with, “Fuck me? Fuck you!”
That’s always been my favorite comeback. Can Wilburman be astute enough to use it?
Even better than the other day when Hunter Wendelstedt ejected Aaron Boone for something a fan behind the dugout hollered.
Mary Worth: By the end of this storyline, Estelle’s gonna need one of these. [Link to a robotic dog-shaped flamethrower]
Meanwhile, adult Jeffy is the featured cartoonist of the week on Komics Kondom. Somehow, the profile neglected the pants shitting.
@Baja Gaijin: Exactly. It’s an everbrown comment.
DTy: Blowtop won’t talk to Sam Catchem, so it will be impossible for Tracy to locate Croptop.
DT: New adventure!
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: He probably threatened to sue if they included that fact, and Comics Kingdom, who can’t afford decent IT, definitely couldn’t hire a competent lawyer.
MW: Wilbur’s been having a pleasant fantasy. Why is he so angry?
Imoprant news is really imoprant.
Wary Morth:
I spent far too much time wondering what swear word using “you” as a chaser could have seven letters. I couldn’t think of any. Someone sense, please have a go.
Wary Morth:
‘Just call me “Walter Mitty” Weston.’
Popeye:
When did Popete get rejuvenated? I’ve started reading the current iteration since the Purple Pearl and it’s great!
@Dennis Jimenez:
When the wolf gets out, he is going to make 3 squeal like a pig.
FC – It’s the darndest thing when a child says “…but I’ll have lots of ala mode.” It’s the most unrealistic thing when a child begins a sentence with “I don’t care for any…”
Let’s see; Charterstone is canonically in California, so Wilbur can be charged with the following violations of the California Penal Code:
Section 242, Battery, with an enhancement under section 243.25, battery on an elder, imprisonment up to a year.
Section 205, Mayhem, if this results in the loss of a limb, two to eight years.
Not as much as I’d like to see in a charging document, but if we get the full damage and terms to run consecutively, that’s nine years or, in Mary Worth time, we won’t see Wilbur in the strip again until 2794 (unless Mary or Dawn visit him at Folsom.
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: Well, the footnotes to their document were something irresistibly sexually exciting (which for Amos and Edda could be almost anything). The senior nun caught them literally making out in school (nonetheless referring to them as “children!”) but the children inexplicably diverted her by throwing his term paper at her, and despite her knowing exactly what was going on, she said that she had no idea what was going on. She gave the sexually exciting paper to the horny nun, who of course took it to the horny priest.
In summary, Brooke is retconning the priest and nun to establish that Amos and Edda together were the snake in their garden that inspired them to sin.
MW: Goddamn you? I know there’s not a double symbol in the grawlix, but it’s the right number of characters.
We may have to accept that they used a random number of symbols that would fit the balloon.
MW: Of course of course “fuck you” is appropriate & most likely. In fairness, goddamn has 7 letters, so “goddamn you” fits and the writer never did have sense of tone. I can’t be the first to notice this.
MW: I’m astonished to learn Wilbur’s appearance has improved in the past twenty years. It seems impossible that being a fat sad sack with a bulbous nose and a terrible combover would be a step up, but at least he no longer looks like what would happen if you typed “Wayne Knight” into an AI art generator.
SFT: Thanks for the clarification; my first thought was the pig was female and the “3” was an attempt at biologically accurate mammaries.
@Myrtle: #81 — aha! as I was counting letters & grawlix you were posting. Very good. And you’re right, no double symbol.
Suburban Fairy Tales:
I can’t exactly get vibes as to whether this is supposed to be a “furry” comic or not.
I mean it gives weird kink vibes, but at the same time is based on the cutesy innocent stories from one’s childhood.
I mean, it’s not like the comic book “Fables” which played those stories for as dark as you could get it.
I keep analyzing this…
Josh, if you want to know what pig genitalia look like, all you have to do is watch the 2005 Kiera Knightley “Pride and Prejudice”.
I wish I was joking.
@Tom T.: Astounding that Brooke thinks there’s enough interest in the priest and nun characters to bother to retcon them.
@Ukulele Ike:
FY and everyone else’s I, a new Duck Twacy, I mean Dick Tracy comic book series hits the stands today:
https://madcavestudios.com/product/dick-tracy-1-cover-a/
@The Rambling Otter:
Also, the weirdest thing is. I swear I’ve seen this artist before. The art style looks so familiar.
I think I’ve seen a Sonic the Hedgehog fancomic years back with this style, but not entirely sure. I really don’t want to go down this rabbit hole, so…
MW: Go directly to jail, Wilbur. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 dollars.
@The Rambling Otter: Not every funny animal comic is a furry kink comic: I doubt whether anyone wanks over Pearls Before Swine. Of course, those saucy bipedal mammals over in Slylock are a different matter.
MW – So are we going to see Wilbur going on a blind rampage through town, knocking over pedestrians, stomping buses and destroying buildings? While a bunch of tiny green army men fire at him ineffectually and exclaim “Hoh! Wilbur!” ? I’m all for it.
SFT: No mention of the “Blazing Saddles” quicksand scene?
MW: Maybe Moy is doing a “Seinfeld”-style Wilbur wind down?
(Ending in a Great White Void Death Row cell with Mary Worth eating his Last Meal after tossing Wilbur a consolation muffin)
Well gee I was never a regular reader of
Gasoline AlleyGreen AcresElectric AvenueElectric AcresGasoline Alley anyway.So, what I’m getting from all this is that Larry from Three’s Company Did. Not. Age. Well.
MW – Also why does Wilburman have muppet eyes?
@Ukulele Ike:
Not saying all of them are.
This one in particular just kind of seems to give that feel.
I guess it doesn’t help with Josh and the others making jokes about genitals. I think that might have influenced my view.
SFT: “Wolf, you’re sinking!”
*Wolf’s position stays perfectly stable for 3 panels*
Come on, Francis, this is a visual medium!
9CL: It occurs to me that we have previously seen Edda instructing Xiulan about sex. She and Amos seem to be the font of all sexual knowledge in their world.
C’shaft: Imagine being so devoid of joy and hope that Funky Winkerbean (or its in-universe knockoff) was your primary source for “a smile, inspiration and a hug.”
Dustin: Whenever Ed does something rude and self-centered, it’s because he’s an old-fashioned, salt-of-the-earth Plugger type. Whenever Dustin does something rude and insensitive, it’s because he’s a terrible person who has committed the unforgivable crime of not being born at age 35 with a full-time job, a house, a wife and two kids.
Luann: No, no, you can run with this. I mean, “general nuisance” may not seem like an attractive personal brand, but somebody needs to be the subject of viral videos of people being rude to customer service staff…
RMMD: “Yes….yes I do see gross stuff all the time,” Rex thinks, looking straight at his chidren.
@Tom T.: “ 9CL: It occurs to me that we have previously seen Edda instructing Xiulan about sex. She and Amos seem to be the font of all sexual knowledge in their world.”
Edda, canonically, has now only ever had sex with Amos in her life. Her knowledge of what the act is like is thus, sadly, nasty, brutish, and short.
“By this point he should have melted down into a puddle on the floor, with an arm sticking out. This is prime time! Grab your favorite dildo and make the magic happen without him!!”
@Schroduck: #42
“2004” Wilbur’s face is so smooshed in he looks like the offspring of a Persian cat and a pug dog. That could explain a lot about Wilbur, actually.
@richardf8: “ So, what I’m getting from all this is that Larry from Three’s Company Did. Not. Age. Well.”
Leisure Suit Larry is still rockin it down at the Regal Beagle. The crowd is more of a kareoke vibe these days, but the geezers still love it, and Larry ain’t above servicing a horny grandmom with a passion for having her muffins nibbled on!
CS: Comics Curmudgeon and Son of Stuck Funky posters are called “beady-eyed nitpickers” and fans who read his work unironically are depicted as losers who have no lives. Tell me again why Tom Batiuk isn’t America’s most beloved comics creator?
Message to Diva: I watched the “Musical Hell” wrap up last night and wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed the series… but then I read Crankshaft… so, uh… [Gives ‘thumbs up” and hurries away.]
@Ukulele Ike: “9CL – Astounding that Brooke thinks there’s enough interest in the priest and nun characters to bother to retcon them.”
He’s doing what every worn out old sitcom does and running a clip show because he’s out of ideas.
Of course he’s been doing this for years now with all the “suddenly they are kids again making out for the first time” sequences.
Why invent new plots or stories to keep your readers entertained when you can just lazily recycle the same three tropes over and over again. “Edda is insanely hot for Amos”, “Amos is a clueless putz”, and “music makes me horny”.
Crankshaft – This reminds me a little of the Mary Worth strips that feature characters heaping praise on Mary for her muffins and meddling skills. However, there’s a big difference – I have seen no sign that Karen Moy sees Mary as an author avatar. It’s obvious that Batton Thomas is Batiuk. The thought that he is heaping praise on himself makes me roll my eyes. I guess it’s called writing.
Rex Morgan – Does anyone remember the Ben Casey TV series? The opening was very dramatic, with a gurney smashing through swinging doors. The attendants pushing it run to get the patient to treatment. That opening was pure adrenaline.
Then we have Rex Morgan, where the characters spend a week talking about making a dog barf.
Bizarro – Henrietta Beak’s daydream. Too bad Earl wouldn’t let her work outside the home.
Given Wilbur has managed to both save the life of and assault a person in the same during in the midst of his sadsack delusions, I want this to continue until the entire city is engaged in a bloody war between Pro-Wilbur and Anti-Wilbur sides, all impacted by his actions, while he simply stands in the middle blissfully unaware, fantasizing about being a pirate or whatever.
SFT: I don’t see the problem, his hand is literally right there in reach. Just grab his hand and pull him out…
Suburban Fairy Tales: Given that the wolf is, presumably, the Big Bad Wolf, I would presume that this little pig is arranging the perfect murder!
Gasoline Alley: The name-changer is so shocked by this turn of events that he tries to use his psionic powers to explode Melba’s head.
Mary Worth: Wilbur pissed this guy off so much that he’s begun speaking in some kind of mysterious alien language of symbols instead of words.
RMMD: You’re so right, kid. Watching a dog puke up chocolate brownies isn’t near as gross as giving your Aunt Tildy a pelvic exam.
@The Rambling Otter: I used to do an Anthropomorphic comic called Cat-Tharsis. Mostly for processing my feelings about grad school. I had a few fun arcs, but my meta arc was about where food comes from in the world I was building. I felt it edging in the direction of Kevin and Kell, and grew bored with it.
Then I discovered the Australian property “Doc Rat,” a medical comedy/drama. Stopped reading it because it drifted toward ‘vore in much the same way that RMMD drifted toward bore.
Glad I could get that pun out of my system.
Mary Worth: Just as the title of CeeLo Green’s 2010 hit was expurgated to allow for mainstream radio play, I’d like to think that the man Wilbur knocked into the gutter is screaming “Forget you!” Ironically, given his rapidly deteriorating mental condition, Wilbur forgetting himself could happen sooner than we think. If we notice a balding man wandering from karaoke bar to karaoke bar in a fugue state, introducing himself to women as “Commander Max Power,” we’ll know something has gone horribly wrong in his noggin, and that, yes, after all these many years, Wilbur’s story has finally gotten interesting.
MW- the fact that Wilbur is having this psychotic break due to Iris and not Estelle, is probably the best news Estelle has had all year.
Blondie Spanish to English.
@UncleJeff: Break time’s over! Now put that shovel to some good use.
@Hibbleton: Knucklehead mind meld !
Frank O. King is, of course the creator and original cartoonist of Gasoline Alley and 1918 is the year the strip premiered. it is all very cute, although given that the strip has eschewed the sliding time scales of your Blondies or your Hi and Loises and instead chosed to unfold in real time for the past century and change it does kind of imply that, all evidence to the contrary Gasoline Alley, in fiction, sprang into being fully formed the day of the first strip or at least earlier that year.
@TheDiva: I was thinking I had read the saddest Crankshaft ever.
@TheDiva: LUANN: I mean, “general nuisance” may not seem like an attractive personal brand, but somebody needs to be the subject of viral videos of people being rude to customer service staff…
I feel like Bernice is already the go-to for that.
@118 Bryan: Bernice is at least a 4-Star General Nuisance.
@Baja Gaijin: General Nuisance is the four-star with command over Camp Swampy. He’s never been shown in the strip, but from time to time Halftrack will complain about him.
If you’re going to garble an adjective describing Wilbur “imoprtant” is one of the gentler outcomes.
@Baja Gaijin: But to Nil, she’s a 4-star General Muse-ance. Say, I wonder how that romance is going.
@122 Ukulele Ike: Romance. Didn’t he sorta massively hint that’s he’s totally not into the V? He wants her only for her “inspirational” abilities, not romantic or sexual abilities. Ha ha! I mentioned “sexual” and “Bernice” in the same thought.
Suburban Fairy Tales: The book A Martian Wouldn’t Say That reproduces this memo from an entertainment exec: “Once you have a man in a dress, you cannot show his pectorals.”
MW: I know the odds of an old man ambling down the street by himself in a cardigan being a mafia don are fairly slim, but I’m holding out hope for a contract being put out on Wilbur.
SFF: Never even heard of this strip before, but I would say that *reads Josh’s snark*…yeah, that.
@Terence O’Brien:
*Was actually Wednesday, I fell behind on checking my email.
LUANN – Time to ship Bernice and Gunther as the strips next hot and steamy couple!!
All it needs is a portmanteau (like all healthy relationships!). Gunnice? Berther?
Let’s get the people who came up with “Batubs” and see if they can strike gold again!!!
@The Rambling Otter: Are you talking about Jack? Cuz I think that’s it… A furry comix series where there was a lot of gore and demonic subtext. I remember seeing it being donated when I was working at Goodwill before moving up the career ladder and realizing how devoid of good taste the stuff had, threw the comics in the trash.
BC: There are ten visible headstones. This community has always had ten people, eleven if you count the spherical missing link, twelve if you really stretch it and include the mountain guru. Anyway, it puts an interesting twist on the strip’s recurring Christian themes if everyone is dead but don’t know it.
C-Shaft: Batiuk makes up throwaway characters to kiss his fictional stand-ins ass, in this case an insane woman wearing two monocles.
Dustin: The waiter is only trying to find out which dessert the elder Kudlicks want and he’s getting no helpful answer. Sure, we know that Dustdad will happily gobble down three-day-old glazed donuts, but he doesn’t and this has to seem weird to him.
GT: Early 2oth century Major Leaguer Anthony Vincent Brief being a household deity has up till now been an unexplored aspect of Thorp life.
HtH: Q: What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?
A: Argyle tights. Why? What did you think?
JP: There’s a limited number of female characters in the strip, and Randy’s long-lost sister just popped up and disappeared into a cloud of foreboding, so add two and two.
Luann: Is she? I’ve really lost the thread on what you guys are trying to do, so I can’t tell.
Phantom: You bet Devil has a special growl for “I just saved your idiot son’s ass” and you bet that Kit Sr. has learned to recognize it.
Pluggers: This is deliberate, right? Please tell me you’re not that out of touch with what you’re doing.
Also, if you intend to show a character sinking, he should probably be lower in each panel.
@erdmann: Honestly, one of the reasons why I ended the series where I did was so that I could go out on “thank you for making me laugh!” and not “…that’s still a thing?”
Crankshit: Yesterday, I was hoping
Tom Batiuk“Batton Thomas” was on the verge of suicide. Today, he’s trying to use his “fame” to bed some lonely social misfit with purple hair.Yaffle: How Baja Gaijin likes to see the clown.
@Ukulele Ike:
I’ll just leave this here… “Housepets!” are naked all the time.
(Not sponcon)*
*in the Josh F. Tongue.
BLISS: Serve only Pioneer® seed, that company is less litigious ancore canary responsible.
BF: Harv would have had cats had she brought home the day-old dozen. Guess she’d have had to eat ten on way home.
JP:. Can’t get dependable henchmen anymore. This one will be pushing up thistles before long.
PHANTOM: Speaking of lack of situational awareness, Devil went away growling five minutes ago.
Congrats, Bob, on coveted COTW.
@133 Sequitur: That is an excellent place for a remote controlled robotic dog-shaped flame thrower. Set the napalm volume to 11!
DT: “By the way, Junior, while I was there, I saw a sign saying ‘ComiConway’. I know what a ComiCon is, but what’s a Conway?”
“Well, B.O., that depends. Blowtop is a big guy, for instance, so he weighs quite a bit, but his sister Croptop is much slimmer, so…”
FG: I want to know more about the past monarch of Frigia who romanced a giant, but at the same time I really, really don’t.
GT: Look, we already know Gil’s been boinking Beth the Bartender from the hotel where the Gil Thorp Award For Being Gil Thorp gets handed to him every year, so I’m pretty sure this mysterious silhouetted figure is going to be her, unless Barajas thinks having Gil sleep around might make him interesting. (It wouldn’t.)
Also, going back in the archives to check Beth’s name, I was reminded just how many random plotlines there’s been recently. Remember when the girls were at an Aimee Mann concert for one strip? Remember how the last basketball game was introduced by Gil apparently giving a press conference which we never got back to (and where he casually mentioned Jami had “hacked a bank or something”)? Remember how when baseball season started there was a documentary crew following Rod around and interviewing his friends? That one lasted two strips!
Pluggers: If you used to walk the dog, and now the dog walks you, but also you’re a dog, so you guess the dog is actually walking a dog as well, but you don’t think about that too much in case you have an existential crisis, you’re a Plugger.
GA: The portrayal of Melba in the first panel makes the romance between her and Rufus seem even weirder, which is an accomplishment of sorts.
MW: Still can’t process the difference between a SoCal gated community with their plastic trash cans, sterile sidewalks, and cookie-cutter houses and this grungy 1970s decaying city with old-ass Oscar-the-Grouch circular metal cans. The authors are as unaware of reality as Ultranebbish here.
@138 Poteet:
I think the romance between Melba and Rufus has become one-sided on Rufus’ part. Also, while Joel and Rufus are not aging, Melba has started to age. Note the gray hair she now sports.
@Activist 1234: Not sure what “ancore canary” means, sorry(?), but I hope Karl didn’t eat planted corn or soybean seeds in the Upper Midwest, because many if not most are coated with pesticides now, and Pioneer has changed since it was swallowed by Corteva. Sorry, am Iowan, could not resist.
@Sequitur: Yes, good point about the hair.
MW: Seven letters? It’s got to be what Douglas Adams described as the rudest word in the universe, apart from on one planet where they don’t know what it means.
“BELGIUM YOU!”
DT – “I wanna show you the car I won today.”
“How did that happen?”
“Same way everything around here happens. Deus Ex Machina, baby!”
@Poteet:
#141. Poteet, for your eyes only, I also grew up in Iowa and grew corn with poisoned seeds (didn’t lick my fingers when planting). Close relative works for Pioneer. Whole family hates Monsanto as it is lethal to environment.
Ancore= and is , as autocorrected
Wilbur sucks! Really. He literally sucks mayonnaise up through all his orifices. He then processes the mayo in his gelatinous body and then expels the mayo out of those same orifices. He is disgusting.
SFT:
1) Now we know: “The Big Bad Wolf and the Three Little Pigs” was set on Parris Island
2) What we don’t see: The company of Marines about to bury all of them for trespassing on govt property.
MW: next, Wilbur uses his fat, sweaty hand to push down a biker chic and subsequently gets beaten bloody by a biker who then strips him naked and drags him behind his motorcycle around Santa Royale just like Achilles dragging Hector around Troy.
After Hector was a hero.
@Horace Broon: I certainly hope it was a Frigian KING who lay with an Ice Giant Lady. A normal-sized woman balling an eight-foot Ice Giant Gentleman sounds like it could be awfully painful.
Relevant Oglaf. (NSFW, includes centaur/human sex)
@Terence O’Brien: NGL, I’d read that.
MW: I didn’t think Wilbur could get more repulsive but it’s happening.
@146 i am BATMAN:
I read “He is disgusting” like Paul Lynde.
Late Thread Cuisine: Can you find the one eating apple?
@153 Baja Gaijin:
I had no idea apples could eat.
“Leave 5-6 days.” As if it wasn’t putrid enough already.
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: LUANN – Time to ship Bernice and Gunther as the strips next hot and steamy couple!!
Hasn’t the strip tried that (or at least hinted at the possibility) at least twice before? There was once in middle school when Luann got all upset at Bernice for wanting to date him since she preferred Gunther to be hopelessly pining over her rather than in a happy relationship with someone else (a real class act, our Luann.) The most recent was when Gunther suddenly got a huge crush on Bernice during her Piro-stalking phase, only to realize she had been manipulating him as a way to get closer to ol’ Star Head.
@Baja Gaijin: Piquant as in poignant?
@154 Sequitur: And that’s just part of the recipe!
@156 taig: Piquant as “Marvin’s diaper genie in a humid summer heatwave.”
@153 Baja Gaijin: Since this dish appears to be the output of a backed-up garbage disposal, I was puzzled about why it was labeled “piquant”. Then I looked on Wiktionary, and found that there is an archaic definition of that word: Causing hurt feelings; scathing, severe. Yes, that herring salad is truly piquant.
@Artist formerly known as Ben:
Re JP: Good grief, I think you’ve nailed it! How did I not put that together myself?!
@TheDiva: Well, there is something to be said for going out on a high point. I’ve enjoyed your work too, and sincerley wish you luck on your next endeavor!
@Baja Gaijin: Why should we soak the herrings in brine for 2 hours? They were soaking in brine their whole lives!
Oh well, whatever. Let’s roll another herring and light up.
@Baja Gaijin; @Sequitur:
Agree. In 5-6 days you’ll be lucky if the jars don’t explode.
@160 Peanut Gallery:
Ah! Got it. Smoked herring.
@Anonymous: It just hit me today after seeing Alina talk to the (I guess) mole about her mother. After I got done being distracted by the numbers in Helena’s dialogue that looked like grawlixes. Seemed like a big day for swearing in the funnies for a minute.
@Activist 1234: Nice to know, thank you! I’m pretty sure that if we ever talked, we’d find a number of things to nod about.
FG: Prince Ronal is thinking, “Wait a second, Ice Giant blood in her veins? Fria never told me she was mixed race. This changes everything.”
MW: You could just spell the first word with four U’s to make it add up to seven letters.
I started following Mary Worth daily back when Wilbur fell off a boat, and that diligence has finally paid off with this Wilbur murdering an old man arc.
Thanks to The Straight Dope, I learned everything I cared to know about pig genitals back in 1984:
https://www.straightdope.com/21341237/does-a-pig-have-a-corkscrew-shaped-penis
I have a feeling that #3 here is always just trying to get his pants off. “Oh no”, he’ll say. “You have a hangnail? Well, then I’d better GET MY PANTS OFF… no? Oh, ok. …unless you want me t… no? Ok.”