All of his “adventure stories” involve almost dying on a cruise ship
Post Content
Shoe, 5/2/24
Yeah, man. Giant bird with prehensile hands and opposable thumbs? Wears clothes and plays guitar? Not part of any Earthly biome I’m familiar with. Real fucked up if you ask me.
Dennis the Menace, 5/2/24
“My dad is a ventriloquist dummy” is kind of a stretch as a menacing burn in my opinion, but it at least offers an explanation of why he dresses like that for once.
Hagar the Horrible, 5/2/24
The central joke of Hagar the Horrible is of course that the characters act more or less like modern people even though they live in Viking Age Scandinavia, but every once in a while the strip does a “keepin’ it real” installment where we learn that, for instance, Hagar and Helga’s modest dwelling is infested with vermin.
Mary Worth, 5/2/24
“…being that I’m a foodie of sorts!” [pops yet another featureless brown cuboid in his mouth and swallows it without chewing]
211 replies to “All of his “adventure stories” involve almost dying on a cruise ship”
Mary Worth: Poor Wilbur. “Across the table” is a close as Meagan is getting to his junk. As he trudges along the street to his car, his junk’ll knock an old lady out of the path of a falling grand piano. Wilbur obliviously trudges on, wanting to be someone’s hero.
MW: Meagan currently has a reaction similar to the average person who has to share a meal with Wilbur. Over the course of a week, let’s see how that changes and what form of psychological brainwashing is used to make her think he’s a “real catch” (gaslighting, hypnosis, spiking her food with illegally obtained quaaludes). Or perhaps her sanity remains intact and Wilbur is reduced to an impotent puddle of tears and mayonnaise when he gets rejected.
MW: Sitting across from Wilbur eating is probably like standing on the discharge end of a tree shredder.
MW-A columnist? This is the first time we’ve been hearing about it in years.
Mary Worth: As we all know, a true “foodie” is someone who tells the waiter, “Bring me whatever’s the same color as this plaid sport coat.”
MW:
“You look as if you’re about to utter some very carefully chosen words, Meagan — so go for it!”
“You…pathetic…little…gnome…of…a…man.”
MW: Ummm…your daughter’s not at home. She’s fled to a more interesting storyline (which we’re being cheated out of).
FC:
Dad: “What does that story of Adam and Eve teach us?”
Jeffy: “You and mom practice original sin…a lot!”
RMMD:
“Is that a stethoscope that’s draped around your neck, Doctor?”
“No, it’s a large earwig that’s a patient of mine. As you can see, it’s not doing very well!”
If this date is interrupted by a little boy and an old man coming forward to tell Wilbur he saved their lives, leading to Meagan becoming intrigued and interested in Wilbur despite herself, then — well, I don’t know what I’m going to do, but it shall not stand, d’you hear? It shall not stand.
MW – So far, Wilbore has not stood up to greet his date, has ordered and started eating before she even sat down, and is monopolizing the conversation talking about himself. Tomorrow, Wilbore goes for the quadfecta and whines endlessly about his “exes.”
MW: You bet it will be long, Meagan. Wilbur hasn’t gotten to the Women Who Inexplicably Dumped Me portion of the date. And it ain’t over until you leave the restaurant and he obliviously knocks you into oncoming traffic.
DtM: It’s more realistic to imagine The Menace just saying, “My dad is so p-whipped.”
MW: This is straight up heading into “Mary has to pimp someone for Wilbur” territory. Moy, just embrace the fact that Wilbur is irredeemable and concentrate on the horror of him
Curtis: Greg’s head explodes because Curtis is asking a question that automatically doesn’t make him angry.
MT: Now get to the part where Crass buys a judge to strike down the Zoning Law.
JP: spittake, keyboard and monitor drenched
MW: The good news is that Wilbur has the game of an excitable three-year-old. The bad news is it’s not going to matter because Wilbur is going to blunder into saving this woman’s life somehow and thus earn transactional hero sex from her.
Blondie: Remember the first panel where Blondie acknowledged that simply walking through a sporting goods store would be an enjoyable experience in and of itself? Third Panel Dagwood doesn’t! So now his wife is a vicious harpy who doesn’t understand him at all! Why did she have to ask that completely innocuous question? Can’t us regular guys ever catch a break?
FC: “Haha, you kids literally do say the damndest things! Thel, honey? Get my tools and oil up the rack; we’ve got a blasphemer to re-educate.”
DT: Why does everyone keep driving cars directly through the middle of Grant Park? What the hell is happening?! Oh, and the villains are defeating themselves again. Shocker, I know.
JP: “Thanks to my mom for standing around nearby while Rurik did all the work to kill Pavel, we’re now free from all these violent intrigues! Except for Rurik, an amoral monster who could easily blackmail us. And Alina, who will eventually seek revenge on us when she grows up. And the rest of Pavel’s global organization. And my mom, who nobody actually believes is dead. And my dad, who may or may not be dead as well. And the CIA. And your fugitive murderer sister. And your fugitive murderer sister’s loan shark. And your fugitive murderer sister’s victim’s vengeful family and friends. And your corrupt father. And all the people your corrupt father has screwed over. And our family friends the Spencer-Drivers, who are constantly getting into trouble with sinister government figures. And the thousands of gangs, cartels, mafia families, and other criminals in this city. And Charlotte’s bully. And…”
MW: “I’m a foodie of sorts which kind of sucks. I’ve been banned from all the ‘all you can eat buffets’ within walking distance.”
I am really getting into the depths of Wilbur’s horribleness as a person and character again. That’s really a blessing and honestly, I am on Josh’s side. This is the greatest strip ever. As long as it keeps Wilbur alive and keeps him humiliated.
MW: As Wilbur drones on and on, Meagan wonders if being a highly paid escort is really worth it.
MW:
“I can tell already that you’re going to be my very own ‘Air Supply,’ Meagan!”
“Um…how exactly so, ‘Wilbur’?”
“With me and you, it’ll be ‘Meagan Love Out of Nothing at All’ !”
HtH: “It’s roof rats! ….By the way, Hamlet has the plague.”
@3 Kevin on Earth: I’d imagine sitting across from Wilbur would be more like sitting at the discharge end of a porta-potty emptying machine.
@16 Hibbleton: Wilbur’s a plugger?
DtM: at least this time Dennis isn’t the only kid whose parents dragged him to an adult event.
Shoe: I’d be suspicious too, that mug just materialized out of nowhere.
MW – The greatest story Wilbur has of his international travels is from the Beaches of Bogata. I’m sure a photo of him in a Speedo and a recitation of how he got cucked by Fabiana’s “cousin” will advance this conversation in a constructive manner.
We either see Wilbur eating some sort of sandwich or whatever slop Brigman can be assed to draw in lieu of actual food so calling him a foodie is as much of an exaggeration as his love of travel. Has he actually been on a significant trip after his near death experience excluding the mental breakdown two weeks ago with the rapidly changing backgrounds?
Mary Worth – Wilbur works for a standard newspaper? I always thought that the paper he works for is one of those tabloids given out free at every supermarket.
His being a journalist is exactly like Ray Romano supposedly being a sports writer in his TV show. If they are actually working in journalism, I doubt that either Wilbur or Ray would have so much time on their hands to annoy everyone around them.
JP: Randy adds; “At least you got to say goodbye.”
April replies; “I know…I know…but waving to her disembodied head as it flew by the house is not the same thing.”
Nobody holds a glass of water like that, so I think Meagan has pulled out her phone to take a picture of Wilbur for her “stay away from these guys on the dating apps” Facebook group. (No one holds a phone like that either, but I’m old so I can pretend not to know that.)
Yes, Wilbur has started off by talking about himself and eating before Meagan sat down. However, much of what he’s saying about himself doesn’t sound too objectionable! Of course, he also misrepresented what he looked like, but that was in the last installment, and Mary Worth readers are like goldfish: if it hasn’t been reiterated in the last few frames, it may as well not have happened.
So why is Meagan eyeing the exit? Is it:
? A) Wilbur’s offer to share his international travel stories? People generally like hearing travel stories, and as a bonus, hearing those stories would allow Meagan to pretend she’s someplace other than here.
? B) The note that he has a daughter and goldfish? Kids can complicate dating, but the fact that Wilbur has successfully reproduced is by far the most impressive thing about him.
? C) His self-description as “a foodie of sorts”? His physique does hint at just what sort of “foodie” he is. But no, I think it’s…
? D) Wilbur thinks that being a columnist for a newspaper counts as a career/legit source of income, instead of a barely-paid hobby on par with running an Etsy store for duvet covers. I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger, but Wilbur-types don’t tend to get far with women unless the woman is desperate or the Wilbur is rich.
Shoe: They’re birds! The idiom should be, “fly among us!” GAH!!!
DtM: So, it looks like Dennis knows that Alice is the one who decides on the person they bring home for the threesome.
HtH: “How about you pretend they’re from Lindisfarne and eradicate them?”
MW: “So enough about you, here’s more about me.”
Lots of
one-linersshort takes this morning:Shoe: I just now noticed that Loon has an identifiable lower beak, open in this case as if to smile at the imaginary Shoe audience. Who needs space aliens, indeed. (Put it back. For the love of Christ, put it back.)
Dennis the Menace: When you’re out-menaced by your [squints] chocolate-chip Danish? you know it’s time to up your menacing game. That’s why I’m gifting you, Dennis Mitchell, this deluxe box of matches and a can of lighter fluid. Make us proud, kid!
Hagär the Horrible: Speaking of Danishes, my relatives inform me that it’s still possible to get a traditional thatched roof in Denmark. It’s quite expensive though, not because of the materials but because the fire insurance is quite high. I did not think to ask if there was a vermin rider in the policy.
Mary Worth: “This may be a long lunch. Thank God I have this tall glass of room temperature water to fortify me.”
Have we ever seen Wilbur’s goldfish before? I mean, they’ve got to be more interesting than Dawn.
Frazz: How far does Caulfield’s head go up his ass anyway? I’ve never seen Mrs. Olsen put him in detention for his constant disruptions in class. Is she also supposed to spend extra time inquiring why he’s having a bad day?
Luann: Who cares what Luann thinks? It’s not like she paid for this “service” that she didn’t want. Besides that, she’s probably forgotten all about it. C’mon, she’s Luann!
CS: My teeth hurt.
MW: Did Wilbur order his food before Meagan arrived or has he been talking nonstop since they placed their orders and just now got to the information that should have already been in his dating profile?
Meagan, while Wilbur’s distracted by talking about himself, c’mere a sec, I have a question for you: You don’t appear to have a right thumb, and kudos to you for holding your glass regardless, not all heroes etc., but do you, in fact, have legs? Because you can just… leave. You know that, right?
@T Campbell: Wilbur usually attracts women who tend to mother the people around them but he throws a tantrum if they try to mother anyone other than him like Iris and her once drug addicted son (until Zak came along and she became his mommy) or Estelle and her emotional support cat. He doesn’t seem to want a relationship but rather someone who can mother him and only him, despite the fact that he himself is a parent.
@36 Needless Exposition: I love Estelle’s emotional support cat. Libby’s the best! She needs to return if only as a giant floaty head hissing at Wilbur.
9CL: I’d say everyone is lucky, since these two people, who are hideous inside and out, found each other. Yes, unfortunately, they procreated, but they’ve instilled such bizarre notions of sex into their spawn that the bloodline will end there.
“Nilgh’rinah uh’e mgep nilgh’ri luck.”
The Family Circus Spanish to English.
FC: Bil slams the book shut mere inches from Jeffy’s face. “Happy!? Now you know why ‘fuck’ is a bad word.”
FC: I legitimately laughed out loud at today’s Family Circus.
@Baja Gaijin: Libby has always been the GOAT of Mary Worth ever since the piss chair incident, though she had a strong start by trying to claim dominance over Mary’s possessions. Shame she couldn’t give her the toxoplasmosis before Dr. Jeff revealed his allergy to pussy(cats).
@Hibbleton: April replies; “I know…I know…but waving to her disembodied head as it flew by the house is not the same thing.”
***
Reminds me of the joke one of the crew members told in the movie version of Memphis Belle, which I was watching last night.
An American flyer bails out and comes down in Germany, where he is captured. His leg was broken and had to be amputated. He asked if they would fly it back to England and drop it over his base. “And they did.” Then his other leg was amputated and he asked them to drop it over his base. “And they did.”
Then his arm was amputated, but his request this time was denied. “Nein! We can no longer do that.” When the flyer asked why, he was told, “We think you are trying to escape.”
Of course, this made me think of the Johnny Cash song One Piece of a Time, which I just played on YouTube. In relating his desire for a Cadillac, Cash sings, “I always wanted me one that was long and black.” Don’t we all?
ARCAMAX – Is everyone finding comments disabled for Arcamax?
The site has been a train wreck for years with so many refreshes it takes minutes for everything to load, then hang up, then reload, and it’s impossible to post without using a laptop.
It seems to be for all the strips they’ve replaced comments with links to additional features.
9CL – They consider themselves lucky because they aren’t Catholics and thus they can screw like rabbits in any available body of water?
The failed priest and failed nun could do the same, I guess their bad luck is that they have been too well indoctrinated to escape The Church?
@Schroduck:
A couple of times. Once, we even got to see a fish-eye view of Wilbur. He looked a lot better with his face all distorted.
@taig:
On Crankshaft : Lena isn’t doing the “band/banned” pun, by comparing it to a book about the Holocaust and a book about the segregated South, she’s asking if Harry Dinkle’s book is about an insane, bigoted fascist
the answer is yes***********
On Frazz : Caufield is a huge hypocrite and coward who’s not above trying to bribe Mrs Olsen when he can tell she’s actually angry at him, and he might suffer
actualsevere consequences for his behavior.Pluggers: Doctors basically stop after the first question on a plugger cognitive impairment test.
—And a tip o’ the hat to Bob “Who Are You?” Peterson of Cedar Rapid, IA
@Pozzo:
MW: Ummm…your daughter’s not at home. She’s fled to a more interesting storyline (which we’re being cheated out of).
That’s a mighty low bar to set.
BETTY:. Being somewhat in shape and agile, I tried and achieved the position discussed the past two days. For about half a second. Guess there are other muscles that need stretching.
LUANN:. I admire them for at least trying to fulfill their end of the bargain with Luann. How about these two brands:.
Ms. Flexible
Renaissance Woman.
ZITS:. Take heart, Mom. Jeremy may not have been listening to you but once he “discovered” it for himself, your lessons resonated.
I can’t tell if Henry is trying to talk the other adults into swinging or investing in crypto, but Alice is having none of it and good for her.
***
Wilbur should show Meagan pictures of all of his exes so she can spend the rest of her day asking herself “How?” Looks aren’t everything, but this is a guy who doesn’t have the personality to make up for it, nor the money to land a gold digger. He’s also a columnist who writes under a pseudonym, so he’s not even a very minor local celebrity. It’s enough to make someone start believing in a bored god with a sick sense of humour.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
…the Johnny Cash song One Piece (of ass) at a Time…
June put a stop to that.
MW:
“Oh, man. I wish I were doing something more pleasant than being with this loser — you know, like dreaming about Freddie Krueger instead.”
DtM — What kind of event is this if Henry is dressed like a waiter, Alice is dressed for tennis, and Dennis is dressed for church?
@50 Activist 1234: on Luann: How about “Queen Dumbass,” “Idiot not Savant,” and/or “Waste of Oxygen”?
@54 But What Do I Know?: What kind of event is this? The kind where someone wasn’t paying attention to the clip art they chose from the “Dennis the Menace” library before pasting them into the same frame.
SF: They’re about to meet that giant ripoff of Swamp Thing, aren’t they?
JP: C’mon, say they never found the body… c’moooonnnnn
Shoe – Enough about our porous borders already….
DtM – If you wanna see me do my thing, pull my strings! Any takers? Sorry, Henry – nobody wants to see that….
HtH – What a blessing in one’s senior years – the pitter-patter of little feet around the house….
MW – Now, close the deal, Wilbur – tell her about your latest bowel movement….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
@Schroduck: “Have we ever seen Wilbur’s Goldfish before?”
Good Lord, man! Where have you been??? They’ve made several appearances, and are played by the Two Biggest Names in Aquatic Show Biz!! Willa and Stellan made their debut here, and have gone on to greater Fish roles… not to be confused with Fish Rolls of Late Night Cuisine.
Anyhoo, they are carefully guarded and monitored during their scenes with Wilbur, and we’re tryin’ to keep them outta this cockamamie story line.
@T Campbell: “…. Mary Worth readers are like Goldfish”
Hey, this is an insult to Goldfish everywhere! Sometimes Goldfish forget things because they WANT to!
Do it, Meagan. Drink whatever’s in that test tube.
MW – “I am a columnist too,” says Meagan, pulling a gun out of her purse. “A fifth columnist! Die, capitalist running dog!”
MW – This will give rise to an internet debate: would you rather be trapped at a table with Wilbur or any other human on the planet?
Shoe – “Do you think aliens walk among us?” “No, I think they mostly creep or ooze. You know, like The Blob.”
Rex – I think I might need to photoshop Sarah with some serious red lipstick and replace the word brownies with wire hangers. Mother’s Day is coming, after all…
@Hibbleton:
#16: “walking distance??” Like Wilbur would walk to a buffet! What a waste of accumulated calories!
Don Abundio, translated:
“Isn’t this fascinating, Abundio?”
“Yeah. But I have to admit…”
“I thought that at a ‘favorite activities’ party there’d be more sex!”
Loath as I am to speak in favour of Wilbur, what’s this lady’s problem? We know that Wilbur is horrible, but the date just started, she doesn’t have enough data to judge him yet. Also, she must have messaged with Wilbur through the dating app before agreeing to meet in person. Are we to understand that Wilbur is a master of the written word but a disaster in face to face conversation? Sorry, unless Mary Worth played Cyrano, I’m not buying this
Now this tells you something about me, but this one is COTW material.
MW: I understand Wilbur would logically be a terrible bore, but this is a pretty normal self-introduction, all things concerned, so I don’t see why Meagan is so annoyed already. At least have him go on and on about some incredibly boring subject.
“Do you think aliens walk among us?”
“Yeah, and I think I can prove it. I’ve reported that bird over there to the Border Patrol! Pretty sure he’s in East Virginia illegally. Clearly a black-throated loon, native to Eurasia, not North America. What, I can’t be a snitch and a ornithologist?”
Before you start making jokes about the rats bringing the Black Plague, remember that the Viking age took place at least 400 years before, so it would be like making jokes about Europeans practicing witch hunting today. Please avoid anachronisms, Hagar does enough of them without needing our help.
DtM: “My father does most of the talking, but my mother pulls the strings. For example, now my father is joking about all these articles about throuples to introduce the idea of polyamory to your mother, but I think my mother will veto the proposal”
Dennis – “My mom pulls ALL the strings. She hypnotized our hostess into bringing her a steaming mug of hot chocolate on a dinner plate, when everyone else is drinking cocktails.”
I’m a foodie of sorts. Here, I’ll show you. Make yourself comfortable while I compare and contrast Hellmann’s and Miracle Whip.
C’mon, Meagan, use your “Get Out of Jail Free” card: “I’m a CrossFit vegan—let me tell you about my fur-babies!”
MW: When are we going to see Meagan at the karaoke bar with Wilbur serenading her? I say Saturday.
To dream the impossible dream. . .
MW: Wilbum the “foodie” downs the brown cuboid without mayonnaise! Epic move. How is she not impressed lol?
Adventure story #1: “I got drunk and….”
Rinse, repeat.
How does he manage to rattle (prattle) off all that stuff about himself without mentioning he’s a karaoke “champion”?
I too thought we’d follow his daughter Dawn abroad. Instead MW is mired in this clown.
But it makes for awesome Comics Curmudgeon fodder & reading, which is what draws me to this site, so it’s all good.
“Well, Wilbur, I enjoy wearing the color purple, drinking water, and having interior monologues.” Long silence ensues as she enjoys another interior monologue. “Oh, that was a good one. Also, I’m allergic to goldfish.”
@Noel: He is going on and on about an incredibly boring subject, and the subject is himself. I believe we’re meant to infer that Wilbur hasn’t let Megan get a word in edgewise since she sat down, let alone asked her any questions or shown any interest in getting to know her beyond confirming that she was indeed the “Megan” he was expecting.
FC – “It teaches us that God is really into entrapment?”
JumpStart – I would not have guessed that those two were fellow Curmudgeons.
MW: I take some small comfort in knowing that Moy sees Wilbur as a lovable loser. Not the “lovable” part, that’s frustrating and infuriating, but the “loser” assures me that he will inevitably fall flat on his face and I’ll be there to watch him go splat.
C’shaft: No, those are good.
JP: “At least until the next subpar, badly plotted spy thriller we get involved in.”
MT: “Zoning Laws O’ Justice” doesn’t quite have the same ring, ya know?
Protip, Meagan: You can just leave. Being humiliated by women is practically a hobby for Wilbur. He’ll respond with a wildly uncharacteristic overreaction like wearing a fake beard or taking up ostrich racing, but you’ll be mercifully off-panel for all of it.
DtM: What is Henry saying to that woman that makes Alice glower like that? It could only be something like, “My son is a real asshole. You don’t want your daughter talking to him.”
Atop the thatched hut, Ratatoskr Drill-Tooth froze as the humans spoke. A roof-rat?, the Climber Tusk thought, they think I, Gnawer, who travels between the eagles of Asgard and Nidhogg serpent, am a rat? I brought these Midgard mortals tidings and omens from Odin All-Father, but fuck ’em. I’m gonna get some nuts and go back to the Rainbow Bridge where I get a little respect.
Meagan’s formulating that “This may be a long lunch” is kind of like her saying that the Hundred Years’ War was a long war.
MW: No, Meaghan. It won’t be a long lunch. Wilbur will wolf that meal down before you can get halfway down that glass of water.
Pluggers: Pluggers are physically decrepit meatsacks # 6957.
RMMD: I’d like to see Rex’s pissyface when he gets the vet’s bill. That’s one thing he can’t pass off to Medicare.
MW: Poor Meagan, about to be stalked for six weeks until she hooks up with another Mary Worth character.
@Baja Gaijin: #21:
“a porta potty emptying machine”
Colloquially known as a shitsucker truck, but yeah, it still accurately describes Wilbur.
MW: evidence is there of Wilbur being a foodie? He got shit faced in a Thai restaurant and inhales Mary’s muffins. And who mentions goldfish? Run, Meagan, run.
Weelbur is a legend in his own lunchtime.
@Baja Gaijin: Weelbur’s junk?
Weelbur is junk.
@astroboy: #11
I noticed that, too (that he didn’t stand when Meagan approached the table). And of course, this date is going to be all about Wilbur. I’m waiting for the moment when he starts calling Meagan “Estelle” or “Iris.”
@Bob Tice: Wait till Weelbur starts licking the plates.
If you crop off just the upper left of DtM, you end up with something very similar to that popular meme of the guy in the street being distracted by another woman, and it is causing me cognitive dissonance that it doesn’t have labels like Solar Eclipse or Elon Musk.
@Ettorre: Well he did use a fake or photoshopped picture on the dating site and he either ordered before her and is eating while she just sits with water, or he’s been talking nonstop about himself the entire time it took their food to arrive. I can see why she’s annoyed. I can’t see why she isn’t leaving, though.
@matt w: I don’t think that’s water, since it’s not level. Looks like some sort of gel, possibly from a bottle of aloe after-sun. Or, given Meagan’s current situation, it could be some sort of thickened, arsenic-laced substance to put her out of her misery.
@Ukranazi Stepan: As long as he sticks with plates….
@Weaselboy: I think using the word “other” in this context is awfully generous.
Shoe – Loon’s hobby of playing Spanish guitar and Mexican ballads has triggered Perfesser’s xenophobia.
Dennis the Menace – The Mitchell’s may engage in threesomes and swinging, but Alice sets certain limits. Like the very conservative local country club, she doesn’t want to admit Miss Goldstein in her bedroom.
Hagar the Horrible – Hagar having to fight roof rats as the Viking equivalent of the chore of cleaning the gutters would make for a good strip.
Mary Worth – Wilbur has all the self-centeredness and narcissism of an influencer, minus the charisma or at least tolerability of one.
MW: I thought yesterday that Antonio’s was a speed-dating venue. There were guys sitting by themselves, just waiting. Then Meagan had that odd wish that she were Kristy, and I figured Kristy was the lucky girl whose date with Wilbur was over. Wilbur didn’t stand when Meagan approached the table, but only sat there as if he were expecting an interview of some kind. That was yesterday.
Today I think that this is a speed dating origin story, with Wilbur providing the very inspiration for hit-and-run meetings that let you up and leave after getting one look.
The only thing that’s keeping Meagan from leaving is that her Uber driver has to take care of a nearby order so she at least has to sit through Wilbur eating lunch. Unfortunately that’s all it takes.
@Charterstoned: MW: good point about Wilbur not standing up when Meagan came in. However, that would draw attention to the fact he’s not an inch over 5 feet tall.
Here we go again for the umpteenth time
with Wilbur the combover fat fuck self loathing loser. its called shave your head, get a toupee or hair transplant , grow a moustache and hit the gym/lose some weight instead of catfishing these poor women with AI photos of you. poor meagan is going to 3,2,1 duck out by doing the I have to go to the restroom line.
@Needless Exposition:
#2. MW:. Needless, hope she not only keeps her sanity but also her assertiveness. We’d love to see her giving Wilbur some “hints” on relationships– like caring about the other person, asking questions, letting the conversation pause.
Remember, kids, catfishing is only bad if you’re trying to extort money from people like that Arthur guy. It’s a-okay for Wilbur to do it because he’s just looking for a
new mommyhealthy relationship. After all, like shoving children and the elderly, abusing animals, and public intoxication, it’s just another one of Wilbur’s…endearing quirks.JP:
“Don’t go to pieces on me, April.”
“That’s not funny, Randy.”
Shoe: The Perfesser chuckles at his own joke about Banjo-Guy (I refuse to learn his name) being an alien in disguise, unaware that Banjo-Guy has begun reaching for his laser pistol. The Prime Directive must be upheld, no matter the cost…
Dennis The Menace: Trying to emasculate your father in public at every opportunity is actually pretty menacing for once. “Yeah, my dad is totally whipped. He just does whatever my mom says. She’s the real breadwinner of the family. Mister Wilson is more of a man than he’ll ever be.”
Hagar The Horrible: So, like, are Roof Rats just normal rats who got into your roof, or some kind of freakish subspecies of rat that runs across roofs as precursor to attacking you and your family? The latter would explain why Helga is screaming her response at Hagar even though he’s less than a foot away and was merely observing a situation.
Mary Worth: This woman doesn’t like Wilbur very much, which of course means that she’s going to be either smote by the goddess Worth for her sin or forced to endure lessons about how great Wilbur is.
“I used to write an advice column. Yeah… me. People wanted my advice on how to live life… You’d get the insane irony if you had read this strip for the last four years. Oh, you get it after four minutes with me? Guess I’m probably taking my own advice and eating Cheetos and crying into my pillow tonight then, right? Right… shall we sit in awkward silence for the remainder of lunch then?”
@Weaselboy:
#61. MW:. I give in easily. I would rather be trapped at a table with Wilbur than with Hannibal Lecter.
With Wilbur, I could escape to restroom after soup course. With Lecter, I might BE the third course.
MW: Cleverly setting up date #2, Wilbur says “Gosh, I seem to have left my wallet in my other pants. You pay for this and I’ll get it the next time. Now, where’s that dessert menu?”
HtH: Does this mean that Hagar has been away on the
roadsea so much that he doesn’t recognize the sound of the roof rats? But Helga will deal with it like she always does. She’s already called the exterminator, the local falconer who’ll be over shortly with his squad of trained hawks.@Midtown: I imagine Hagar’s boat is amply stocked with sea rats.
Helga: What about the R.R.O.U.S.’s?
Hagar: Roof Rats of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist.
{R.R.O.U.S. tackles Hagar}
Mary Worth: Everything Wilbur has to say about himself doesn’t actually sound that bad. Has a good job, likes to travel, is family-oriented… Proving once again that in the realm of dating, “be handsome” still transcends everything. (Although “avoid coming off as a creepy blabbermouth” could also be important.)
MW: I know it’s pointless to question the story telling decisions in Mary Worth, but why did we have all that hero garbage if we were just going to cut to Wilbur failing to attract women again? This is what we wanted all along, Moy. People want to see Wilbur fail, not receive inexplicable praise.
@113 Ukulele Ike:
He usually calls them “The Crew”.
@Lauralot: My guess is that Moy needs some excuse for Wilbur to *shudder* get laid so she went for the most shallow way possible…and to try to drum up sympathy with a Wilbur Pity Party.
Insanity Streak: Those French roosters need to quit smoking.
MW: Don’t most single people these days meet for coffee when internet dating, so they don’t get stuck for hours if the date doesn’t work out?
MW: Wilbur should visit an optometrist. He seems to have ‘I’ trouble. At least, based on his first-date small talk.
I wrote an unpublished short story called “Bad Dates.” I think Moy hacked into my computer.
@Weaselboy: MW – This will give rise to an internet debate: would you rather be trapped at a table with Wilbur or any other human on the planet?
The man versus bear debate at least has a lesson embedded in it.
This one, well, yeah, there’s a lesson in there too, but without nuance or dissent.
MW: I just had a random thought. Did Wilbur mention his goldfish because Meagan likes aquariums? Is he equating having a goldfish bowl with being an aquarium hobbyist?
DtM: Looks like Dennis is having a better first date with a hot little number than Wilbur is.
JP – They’re now free? What, was the entire CIA hiding in Pavel’s basement as well?
Shoe: A bird with human female breasts asking about aliens? Yes, Josh, that also tracks. “What, me? I’m from France.”
@Chance, MW: Using Wilbur’s oblivious pattern of heroism…
He will accidently (even across the table) spill something on her, which she will use and an excuse to get up from the table. A car will barrel through the diner, stopping at Wilbur and not hurting anyone else, but the chair she had occupied will be in pieces.
MW: “…I’m a foodie of sorts! Actually, one sort in particular — sandwiches! With extra mayonnaise, mmm! I’d love to take you to a sandwich restaurant! In fact, did you know that Subway and Blimpie’s and Quizno’s all offer long sandwiches, on a roll rather than sliced bread? How exotic is that!? To be honest, my life has been a little sadder since Subway stopped selling the $5 foot long. I wish I had met you back then — you would have been amazed!”
Just if you wanna…
You can look at a copy of Sunday Beetle Bailey from October 15, 1967.
@Sequitur: Ooh, is that the one dealing with the death of Che Guevara or the one on the bombing of Haiphong?
JP — As Berkley Breathed used to say in Bloom County — “Foreshadowing — your clue to quality literature.”
@Sequitur: Thanks, that was fun. I was 6 when it was new, and I must have read it in the Cleveland Plain Dealer (frigging Cleveland Press had all the good comics).
@Liam: MW-A columnist?
___________
“No, I said I’m a COMMUNIST, let me get your contact info in my little red book, then I’ll take you to my commune and you can meet Mary Worth who believes in sharing misery equally.”
@Voshkod: It was the one where Cosmo laced the Camp Swampy water supply with Sandoz-quality LSD.
@Sequitur: Just if you wanna…
_____________________
I’m guessing this is NOT a viral ad for Mando™ brand whole body deodorant.
@fausto:
MW: “…I’m a foodie of sorts! Actually, one sort in particular — sandwiches!
_______________
“I trained under the master sandwich guru, Sir Dagwood of Bumstead!”
Just one more thing…
Here’s a link to Thimble Theater from November 29, 1929 where Popeye takes care of a pack of bloodhounds (or as Popeye called them, bleedhounds) that were chasing Popeye and Castor Oyl.
@Just John:
Shoe: A bird with big human female breasts asking about aliens?
___________________________________________
A bird with big human female breasts goes into a bar, asking about aliens. Bartender says, “Why the big breasts?” Bird says, “I won them on MATCH GAME ’75, this one autographed by CNR, this one by Richard Dawson.”
@Ukulele Ike: Actually, in a weird way, that was one of the most timely Beetle Bailey‘s I’ve seen, if only for the reference to ‘jungle fighting,’ which the US Army was engaged in at the time the strip was published. Of course, there’s not a plant, much less a jungle, in sight, so ‘urban fighting’ would have made much more sense.
@Sequitur:
Just one more thing…
____________________
Back then, weed was nicknamed not Mary Jane, but Mary Ann.
@Voshkod:
Of course, there’s not a plant, much less a jungle, in sight, so ‘urban fighting’ would have made much more sense.
________________
Gizmo really messed things up when he went back in time and stopped Private Pete Moss from being drafted into Camp Swampy.
@Hibbleton: JP: Randy adds; “At least you got to say goodbye.” April replies; “I know…I know…but waving to her disembodied head as it flew by the house is not the same thing.”
Randy: “Hey, at least her dismembered hand was waving back.”
@Sequitur:
Insanity Streak: Those French roosters need to quit smoking.
_____________________________
Why does the rooster have a hand coming out of it’s butt?
@144 Garrison Skunk:
Grab n’ Go.
It’s amazing what they read to their kids.
Six Chix In Search Of A Punchline: Remember when “Funnies” were “fun”? Neither do the Chix.
@Sequitur: heh heh, good one!
“I have a daughter and a goldfish at home”
“- and I’m pretty sure at least two out of the three were still alive when I left the house this morning”
@George the Archon:
“I had a dog once but I… say, do you like goldfish? No reason!”
@George the Archon: (Dammit, it’s a pair of goldfish! The crucial part of the joke and I flubbed it! Guess I’ll never make the dizzy heights of advice columnist of the Santa Royale News…)
MW: No, Wilbur. You’re not a columnist at the Santa Royale News. You’re a syndicated columnist who’s column is carried by the Santa Royale News.
Phantom: Junior, how you gonna tie up all the other baddies when you used up all the chains and padlocks on one guy?
@Ukulele Ike: #133: We were a Cleveland Press family. My dad wouldn’t subscribe to the Plain Dealer because it was part of the Hearst conglomerate, except for Sundays, because the Press only ran from Monday through Saturday.
DtM: It looks more like dad is a lightweight drinker who’ll hit on the hostess of a party after a glass of sangria and for some reason mom doesn’t like that, but it’s not called “Dennis the Keen Observer of Human Behavior.”
HtH: Enough chitchat. The Horribles need to get serious and decide whether they’re going to take their chances with the Plague or join in one of the ill-fated Norse colonies in harsh arctic Greenland.
MW: It sounds like Wilbur is just re-delivering his dating app profile in person. That would make for a long lunch with anyone, much less, well, you know.
@Lord Flatulence: I Dismembered Mama….
I’m happy to have confirmed that Wilbur’s goldfish are alive. Unlike everyone else in his life, they didn’t choose to be associated with him, and so don’t deserve any of the terrible fates they could have met.
Much of my Wilbur hatred was based on Mary Worth sort of treating him like he isn’t a total putz, but this degrading humiliation is clearly intentional and I am here for it.
To be fair, there IS that time Wilburp threw himself on that case of expired SPAM™ brand meat style product. Saved the whole rooming house and Major Hoople.
9CL: Some people have all the luck, but those of us who come face to uvula with Edda’s hellmaw are not among them.
BB: “And why did you choose to come with him, Sarge?”
“Because comics are a visual medium, padre.”
C-Shaft: Oh please. Harry Dinkle is insufferable already. If a few state legislatures tried to take his book off the shelves his ego would grow to galactic proportions.
DT: I can see the point of fleeing when you see a police car. Standing there and yelling, “It’s a cop car! Scatter!” doesn’t really make as much sense, especially when it isn’t. Not that I’d count on BO catching anything suspicious either, but if he did…
GT: Barajas and Whigham prove that it’s possible to depict a Milford athletic game in a way that doesn’t seem to break the laws of physics, and that doing so is kind of boring.
Luann: “And it’s taking way more time than I thought.” Welcome to Luann, honey.
Phantom: Yes, Kit Jr. is the one responsible for bringing this crook down. Yes, we have always been at war with Eastasia.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: Sangria? I’m not sure what kind of party this is. Henry and the blue man in the foreground look like they have black cocktails*, the blue woman next to the blue man has an uncolored cocktail**, and the foreground woman is holding a cup of something steaming hot on a dinner plate. Clam chowder? Mulligatawny?
Dennis and the other little girl are drinking chocolate milk with their chocolate cookies — which will lead to a sugar meltdown in half an hour — or drinking muddy water and living in a hollow log.
*What would go into a black cocktail? Bermuda rum and Coca Cola, but that really should go over a few ice cubes in a highball glass. Making it a black highball.
**A martini, obviously. Only lightweights ask for an olive or lemon twist.
@Guillermo el chiclero:
MW: No, Wilbur. You’re not a columnist at the Santa Royale News.
____________
If this is foreshadowing, I’m all in for an arc where Wilburp dresses up in 50’s women’s wear and insists everyone call him Dorothy Killgallen.
I don’t advocate for any book to be banned, but I’ll make an exception for Dinkle’s drivels. Leave Maus and To Kill a Mockingbird the fuck alone.
“And what does that story of Adam and Eve teach us?” “That women are to blame for everything.” (It’s right there on the cover.)
@Guillermo el chiclero: I don’t remember the political leanings of either newspaper (the Press closed down in 1982; the Plain Dealer now publishes only a couple days a week and mostly runs articles from news services). All I know is YOU got Peanuts and Doonesbury while I was stuck with Beetle Bailey and Hi & Lois and god help me The Ryatts.
The PD did have a well-regarded liberal blue-collar (not an oxymoron pre-Reagan) columnist who was the Cleveland version of Chicago’s Royko and New York’s Breslin. Completely forgot his name.
@Ukulele Ike: Whatever it is, the lady on the opposite side of him from Alice is getting ready to force-feed him coffee so he’ll sober up.
love is… testing out cock rings in the store before you buy one.
Crankshaft – Hmmm, if I remember correctly, both To Kill a Mockingbird and Maus won a Pulitzer Prize. I also know that the latest Pulitzer Prizes will be awarded next week. I can just picture Batiuk clearing a space on his shelf.
6Chix – Speaking of book related comics, what does this even mean?
@Chaze:
Welcome back!
MW: What the hell is Meagan drinking(?) out of that glass(?)? Is it a Jello shot? Is that why there’s a big chunk out of one side?
Woman Across From Wilbur, you can leave, at any time, you have no obligations, unless there’s a gun pointed at you under the table we don’t know about.
“My dating profile is like my picture in that it seldom captures my exact personality.”
@NotThatStan: The chunk is probably meant to be her thumb but one artist didn’t tell the other artist and nobody is responsible for final checks.
@I speak Jive: Harper Lee is dead, but maybe Batuik is hoping Art Spiegelman will put in a good word with the Pulitzer committee.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: I figured the lady on the left was already three sheets to the wind, and the hostess gave her a cup of ramen on a dinner plate to help her sober up. She forgot the chopsticks but is still carrying the plate around; maybe her husband should take her out to the car to sleep it off.
Next week Dennis: “Can you show me your tail? Mom says you were drunk as a skunk by six PM last week.”
DT: Yep, there’s nothing like yelling “It’s a cop car! Scatter!” to really sell that you’re an innocent couple just picking up your suitcase of old photos.
Heath: As John Finnemore once pointed out, why would the Sun wear sunglasses? Even if we assume the horrific prospect that an anthropomorphic Sun would find its own light uncomfortable, the light is, by definition, coming from behind the sunglasses!
Phantom: “Huh, it looks like my son just flat-out lied in order to improve his rep. I have never been more proud of him or confident that the future of the Phantom line is secure!”
SH: Okay, but if they’re applying the true story of how Pam got her ear notch to human!Pam (despite the fact nobody asked), don’t they now need another story to explain cat!Pam’s ear notch? Also, how exactly do you rework the story of a heroic cat rescuing a baby bird from another cat so that heroic cat and baby bird are both humans? Is the other cat going to be, like, a puma? Is Feryl going to tell the world that she left her baby near a puma?
@177 Ukulele Ike:
When is Batiuk going to learn there is no Pulitzer Prize category for anything he does?
@jroggs:
DT: Why does everyone keep driving cars directly through the middle of Grant Park?
_____________________
So the Tracy universe’s Groucho Marx(aka Marxman) can ask “Who’s buried in Grant Park?” Answer:(printed upside down) Everyone.
@Horace Broon:
Is Feryl going to tell the world that she left her baby near a puma?
_______
In the Safe Heavings universe the catch phrase from the Meryl Streep movie is “Maybe the puma is your baby.”
@Garrison Skunk: Grant Park is to Chicago as the Gowanus Canal is to Brooklyn. At 12 o’clock on Walpurgis Night they both host the Dead Gangster Jamboree. Put on your dancin’ shoes for when the band starts a-playin’!
Dennis Minus Menace: Bagels and Chocolate milk—Breakfast of Menacers.
@Sequitur:
When is Batiuk going to learn there is no Pulitzer Prize category for anything he does?
___________________________
They retired the category for BEST FICTIONAL PUTRID PIZZA ?
@179 Garrison Skunk:
They had to stop it. It was causing too much diarrhea.
@I speak Jive:
6Chix – Speaking of book related comics, what does this even mean?
___________
The first book is now a “bookie” and the second one is inquiring about the odds on how early in the year Depressed Chick will start wining about Halloween.
@Garrison Skunk: Forget it, Jake, it’s Thursday Chick.
MW: Wait, doesn’t “I’m a columnist at the Santa Royale News” = “I write a poor-man’s Dear Abby advice column under a woman’s name” = “I pretend to be a woman for a living?”
Also, Meagan’s more right than she knows about this being a “*long* lunch.” The way comic strip time works, she’ll be stuck there at least till the weekend.
@183 Phantom Phan:
If this goes to Sunday I know what the quote should be.
Late Thread Cuisine: Which burger would Wilbur like? From home or from Burgerville?
Alternative Late-Thread Cusine.
@185 Baja Gaijin:
Wilbur would prefer the HOME version where he could slather it with mayonnaise. Unless he happens to carry a jar of mayo with him when he dines out.
@158 Garrison Skunk: Expired SPAM™ brand meat style product. I understand the individual words; I don’t understand them in this configuration. SPAM™ brand meat style product, like Twinkie™ brand whipped caulk-filled yellow foam product, never actually go bad because they were never good in the first place.
@Baja Gaijin: Wilbur would like the one from home. That Burgerville burger looks like something they’d be embarrassed to serve at McDonald’s.
@Baja Gaijin: Wilbur would take the third option and order the Burgerville to eat at home out of laziness after slathering it with a jar’s worth of mayonnaise.
@186 Sequitur: Yummay!
@187 Sequitur: Wilbur carries a mayo packet in his wallet like other men carry a condom for “just in case.”
@189 taig: You have to admit the Burgerville burger probably looks exactly as you’d get at the restaurant. No fancy lighting, no misleading shoving all the toppings to the front.
@Horace Broon: Your comments about Safe Havens reminded me of this scene from Ring of Terror.
@Baja Gaijin: I certainly hope that image isn’t false advertising!
@190 Needless Exposition: True.
@193 taig: How could it look worse?
@Baja Gaijin: If Beyoncé can go everywhere with a bottle of hot sauce in her purse, Wilbur can wear a 16-oz jar of Duke’s on a gold chain around his neck. A chacun son gout.
@195 Ukulele Ike: I’m sure Wilbur has gout.
@Baja Gaijin: The thought of Wilbur with gout is reminiscent of the episode of King of the Hill where Bobby gets gout from eating uncooked chicken liver. Except instead of his big toe, it would be Wilbur’s entire foot and he would still call it Madame.
@Dr. Pill: Re FC — What is Eden’s phone number? Adam 8-1-2
@Sequitur: The name of that recipe needs an “and Spam” at the end.
@Baja Gaijin: I’ll take the flat, dry burger over one with pineapple. And no rice, either.
@199 Peanut Gallery:
You are absolutely correct.
Spam, spam, spam, spam, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM! LOVELY SPAM…
I don’t think you can do any activity with Wilbur without thinking “This may be a long [activity you’re doing with Wilbur].”
@202 jenna:
Wait a moment; what if you’re thinking, “Wilbur sucks!”
@pachoo: #156
Of course, it was touch and go in the beginning when Wilbur first got Willa and Stellan…he didn’t realize they were supposed to *stay* in the water and couldn’t figure out why they almost died when he took them for walks around Charterstone.
MW: Again, we could be in CT, having a more interesting story. Dawn and Mom could go to Boston to see the Sox play. Nope. Wilbur wants to be a hero, and goes on a bad date.
@Needless Exposition
He got hit from eating purine-rich deli and organ meats in excess; they were not said or implied to be uncooked.
Gout: not hit.
MW: My prediction – Wilbur excuses himself to go the bathroom. Meanwhile, Meagan contemplates just ditching him,, when suddenly she starts choking on her brown cuboid. On his way back to the table, Wilbur is thinking to himself how great the date is going, and isn’t paying attention, and bumps into Meagan – accidentally saving her from choking! He’s a hero again!
@Sequitur: or lobster thermidor
@209 UncleJeff:
God, we’re old.
Megan seems to age five to ten years between strips. This is a bold artistic choice filling realising the experience of having dinner with Wilbur.