At sea
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Mary Worth, 6/28/24
I’ve been accused, with perhaps some justification, of being a “coastal elitist”. It’s hard to keep track of what interests do or don’t make you fit that category: my sense of the vibes are that pleasure craft like Dr. Jeff’s are considered “real America” rather than “coastal elitist” coded, despite the fact that they are very expensive and you literally need access to a coastline to enjoy one. This is my way of saying that I don’t actually know much about boats, but I feel like I know enough to say that this one is very big, right? Like in terms of boats owned by retired, mildly successful doctors? Back in the old days Dr. Jeff’s boat was decently sized but it didn’t really loom over you the way this one does. Anyway, Wilbur has experienced not one but two very traumatic large-boat-related incidents, and it would certainly be entertaining if the extremely tentative emotional stability engendered by the prospect of this well-attended fish funeral were shattered by a full-on panic attack.
Alice, 6/28/24
Ever since I’ve gotten on my Alice kick a few months ago, I’ve been sharing with you the “wow, this strip sure is weird!” ones but sparing you the ones that are like “these modern times are new and scary, things were simpler way back then!” So I have to say, this wasn’t the first strip I thought would take the position “Enh, people aren’t very good at most stuff, let’s give the robots a try,” but truly I always appreciate a zig where I expect a zag.
Family Circus, 6/28/24
I understand the Keanes are conservative and don’t think their kids are ready to learn the truth about where babies come from, but I’m telling you, in the absence of solid facts children will come up with some truly wild and frankly very unsettling ideas about how the world works.
197 replies to “At sea”
MW: Mary, you must have cataracts; not only does that man look nothing like Jeff but that is clearly not a boat one takes casually out on the water. Did you take a wrong turn and wind up at the naval base?
Then again, Jeff always did like heading out there on shore leave…
MW:
“Pink clouds at morning/
Flailers take scorning.”
— old nautical platitude
MW:
“You know, Mary — they say that the size of a man’s boat is an aspirational metaphor.”
“Don’t come one step closer to me, Jeff.”
Mary Worth: Wait, Dr. Jeff’s boat is now some kind of superyacht? Hang on to him, Mary! Hang on to him hard! I mean, who knew this mild-mannered physician was doing so well in Medicare fraud?
Family Circus: Oh, great, the punkinheads are playing in unfinished building sites! I guess parents really did allow “free-range kids” back in the 1970s, or whenever this panel was originally published. (Hint: That house will sell for $15,000.)
MW:
“Hark! — do I hear Jeff invoking the time-honored literary device of apostrophe to call out the cotton absorbents in my purse?”
“Avast, ye swabs!”
FC: “You see, Sweetie — when a Mommy house and a Daddy house really love each other…”
Alice: that robot has an impressive array of medals.
MW:
“Does this monstrosity have a name, Jeff? — it’s practically a leviathan!”
“The S.S. Ian Cameron!”
That oddly ominous set-up, that odd “burial at sea” emphasis, the collection of all the people who Wilbur has driven to the edge of despair over the years…
…They’re going to try to dump Wilbur over the side in international waters aren’t they?
Honestly, I’d be down for that.
MW: Mary: “There he is! Oddly, standing next to his boat.”
GT: Are you a Plugger if you understand this, or don’t understand this?
JP: April: “And if there aren’t any ‘poors’ around, what’s the point?”
I guess the Keane kids can know about the actual process of the baby growing in the womb/the house being assembled, but they cannot yet know the nasty and disgusting thing preceding the process — the sex/the fight with the zoning commission.
Those floating heads from nineteen years ago are definitely an insight into how everyone has…well, not improved. If anything, they’ve mostly regressed into acting more like children with Brigman drawing them all to look younger (and more proportional in Wilbur’s case; Giella seemed to squish his face). Dawn especially looks like an actual college student and not older than Toby, even though her hair still looks awful. She went from helmet hair to getting Mr. Alora to trim it with a weed whacker.
MW: Jeff gives his “Heil, Mary!” salute as he welcomes Wilbur and Mary aboard. He’s careful not to show his true feelings about this ridiculously absurd and incredibly expensive event, but privately wishes his leader, her pathetic neighbor, and the dead fish could all go overboard. He wonders if his having removed those four screws from the railing will do the trick….
FC: Points to drainage ditch. “And this is the birth canal.”
MW:
“Here’s one for you, Mary. What former star professional football player for the Miami Dolphins had consecutive identical vowels in his last name?”
“Jim Kiick, Jeff?”
” ‘ii,’ Matey!”
The perspective of the boat has been a mild mind screw to me because when I think about Dr. Jeff’s boat, I think about a catamaran or a pontoon. Something that you can take a dozen people on easily for a day on the water (mostly getting drunk somewhere other than home) and anchoring on a nearby island to wander around. This looks more like what you would see on the scale of a cruise ship or shipping freight…and it belongs to a semi retired doctor?
I thought only Moy was going insane but apparently it’s contagious…
MW: The comedy take would be for the huge yacht to pull away to reveal Jeff’s tiny dinghy, bobbing next to the dock. We already know though that Jeff’s vessel is adequately sized…at least Mary’s never had any complaints.
Maybe Jeff sold the hospital and bought a rich dick yacht. That’s how things work, right?
MW: Hmm, no sign of the other mourners. Maybe they figured out that this wasn’t going to be an Irish wake, and quietly slipped away during the walk.
Alice: To me, the funniest part of this strip is the title/caption(?) “New Hire”. As if we’re supposed to read that and go ‘ooooooh, now I get it.’
FC I can’t tell which is more frightening: Dolly ignorance of the basic facts of life, or Billy’s owl neck…
Crankshaft: Taking over your closet and saying you have to redecorate your entire house, now ain’t that just like a woman? (Although in this case ‘redecorating’ means ‘actually buying some g—— furniture’ and you always wear the same g—— thing anyway so you never used the closet to begin with)
JP: Aaaaanndd we’re right back to being pissy. Being rich and privileged is a real pain in the rear, isn’t it?
RMMD: Wow. Just… wow. He threw one punch and RAN AWAY?? Is this going to turn into some twisted ‘he picks on you because he LIKES you!’ bull where we cut to Flattop Jughead cowering in a corner sniveling and waxing poetic like Helga G. Pataki? ‘What have I DONE? Now they’ll never go out with me! Oh curse my beligerent nature borne of my traumatic homelife!’
And good grief Buck Beanpole Jr. Parker is lying unconscious on the floor. How do you THINK he’s doing?
Beatty never fails to find another layer when you think his stories hit rock bottom.
MW – After an entire fucking month spent on a dead fucking fish, I am all out of snark. OK, Karen Moy, you win! Now please make it stop. I cry uncle!
@pugfuggly: Apparently they either weren’t invited or (more realistically) had better things to do than attend a fish funeral. Or teetotaler Mary refused to serve alcohol to numb the pain of this event.
FC: With all those huge joists and sharp nails sticking out, the poor mommy house is going to need more than just a lousy epidural. Just sayin’.
MW: I’d been wondering what happened to the Royal Yacht Brittania.
@astroboy: It’s easy to snark about how ridiculous it is but we also had a month of Wilbur clearly showing that he’s a delusional sociopath who needs a padded room away from society so the patience for these shenanigans was already at rock bottom.
FC: Now I want to hear Dolly explain the human skeleton that the construction has unearthed.
MW: After a serious talk with everyone who was forced to attend the fish funeral, (along with a healthy bribe) Jeff has agreed to wrap Mary and Wilbur in the anchor chain and dump them overboard.
MW: A boat that large needs a crew. First mate says to boatswain; “Is that what I think it is?” Boatswain spits on the deck. “Yep”
@Kevin on Earth, GT: “Oh, don’t worry, stewardess. I speak Role-Play.”
JP: This is the only strip where you can have young women in swimwear on a beach and not appreciate because of the incessant whining dialogue.
Curtis: Switch the dialogue and P4 would be “I’ll make you fall asleep!”
yS4th: Ces never sang the Love Theme to MST3K, apparently.
@astroboy:
MW— Welcome to the club.
@Needless Exposition: my theory is that Dr Jeff has noticed that the only thing that gets a reaction out of Mary at all is his boat, and he keeps buying bigger and bigger boats in the hopes if getting the tiniest bit of physical affection from her. Two years from now he’s going to be piloting an aircraft carrier off the coast of Santa Royale, constantly radioing Mary to see if she would like to take a spin around Guam…
MARY WORTH: What can Mary say? She likes big boats and she cannot lie.
@Needless Exposition: it would be really funny if after the surprise at Mary’s apartment, Wilbur announced that it will be a private ceremony for family and close friends only.
@pugfuggly: Gotta keep his beard’s attention lest she go into mid-20th century hysteria and frighten the rest of Santa Royale’s narrow minded population.
@pugfuggly: He should have said that and watch as everyone starts cackling hysterically at how he’d be the only one in attendance.
A superyacht? We see the true nature of the Charterstone world – Jeff is actually a billionaire who pays Mary to carry out mind games on the residents, who are all just playthings in the couple’s diabolical world. They deliberately engineered the death of Wilbur’s fish as a wager to see what it would take to break him.
REX MORGAN M.D.: Flatop: “It’s not my fault! We were just playing ‘Justice League International’ and then it went to far!”
Mary Worth: A goldfish. A freaking goldfish is receiving a send-off fit for emperor. A freaking goldfish is receiving a send-off fit for emperor because his former owner is too emotionally fragile to deal with even the mildest loss or regret, and too stupid to seek psychiatric care. If and only if this month + narrative has all been a setup for an EAT THE RICH message, it will have been worth the ride.
With the size of that yacht, a great finale for the Mary Worth strip would be borrowing from Triangle of Sadness.
Alice: Judging by the cute lil’ gray mustache that new hire is sporting, this is less of a message about how AI will eventually come for all of our jobs and more about resisting age-based discrimination. I mean, this is Alice we’re talking about here!
@Tonio: Bruh, calling that thing a yacht is like saying that the Empire State Building is “office space.”
H&L: “No texting me before noon…unless it’s a punchline, then it’s fine.
MW-And for this occasion Jeff gave his scantily clad crew the day off.
MW-“Why am I doing this again,” Jeff thinks to himself, “I should be at my clinic in Vietnam.”
FC-“Now let’s see if that Jimmy Carter person is around here somewhere.”
MW: Good thing Mary has a boyfriend with a Dreadnought-class pleasure craft, or it would have been impossible for Wilbur to dump his dead animal in the sea. After all, it’s not the ocean is literally right there next to the dock or anything.
CS: Speaking of disgusting creatures that need to be set adrift in international waters and never seen again…
JP: There’s a reason that I love Judge Parker and do not read Sally Forth at all. Unfortunately, this JP story has been leaning much more heavily on the SF-style dialogue that is just absolutely awful in every way, and the insane plots and nonsense exposition has been too little and too far between. Still, we get a small oasis today as Sophie and Reena express wonderment that Lucas’s family owns the entire Hamptons coastline, even though there are clearly other houses right there that have equal claim to this semi-private beach and seriously what the hell are you bimbos talking about?
RMMD: Good thing Haw Haw Boy (for the love of god beatty name your goddamn characters) ran away for no reason whatsoever, otherwise we might have had some degree of meaningful character interaction between him and Cory. On the downside, there’s no way to establish for certain what transpired here because, well, come on, it’s not like there’s some kind of ubiquitous magic device that pretty much everyone including middle school children has these days that can record and upload video clips.
Alice: Why does that robot have such luscious lips… and why are they at crotch height? Dare I ask what “service” this robot has been hired to do? And worse, dare I ask what was wrong with the service the old hire was providing?
FC: I refuse to believe the Keanes would live in a neighborhood that would allow a new house to be built within its boundary.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: Saul: “I know! Wilbur is such a little chump that doesn’t really love his pets. Everyone knows the proper way to do a send off will a funeral procession through town after the president declares it a ‘national day of mourning’ and ‘federal holiday.’ The fish isn’t even wearing a matching suit, like what the fuck is wrong with that man?!”
MW: Folks, I know that direct action climate activists are very unpopular and probably detrimental to the cause… but can’t they glue themselves to the boat to protest the fish funeral? Think how much fuel that boat will burn for this dumb ritual!
@2+2=7: “That fish never wore a bow tie a day in his life!”
Look how smug Dr Jeff is!
“Ehi Wilbur, isn’t it a bit pathetic to sublimate your lack of sex into building an emotional bond with a fish?”
“Yes, but at least I did not spend hundreds of grands on a boat for the same reason”
@Ettorre: Nah, Wilbur would just bitch and whine about how he wants a big boat like when he wanted to be a hero.
These days I’m a little surprised to see a boat not festooned with political flags and getting into very Wilburesque trouble. At least we have one of those things to look forward to.
***
Jeffy approaches his siblings with a Bic lighter he found on the ground, a small smile on his face that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Now let me show you what a house looks like when it’s dying.”
Today’s Pluggers would work a lot better if said Plugger were sitting on a toilet.
@Tabby Lavalamp: I’ve seen plenty of MAGA flags at marinas. Once at a riverside restaurant, one boat with the flag deposited several clean-shaven 30-ish white guys wearing polo shirts, as if the local law office or investment firm was having a weekend outing.
FC: While Dolly is talking about how houses reproduce, Billy is clearly under the control Pazuzu as his neck begins to spin like Linda Blair’s in “The Exorcist.”
Can someone explain to me why the robot in Alice has lips? It rivals Cronenberg.
MW: Dr. Jeff takes Mary and Wilbur around to the back of the boat. He says; “To save time, I thought we’d use the helicopter.”
Gotta admit, the ‘art’ in Alice is seriously tempting me to stop visiting this site every day in case it’s featured. Is there any way to block it you think? It’s nightmare fuel and just plain gross.
A normal person would be understandably apprehensive about boats after the trauma that Wilbur experienced. But Wilbur realized he has plot armor for some reason. I don’t even mean “realized” In a 4th wall sort of way. I mean in a way that a delusional narcissist would think.
Mary Worth – Yacht culture is probably like pickup truck culture, in that the vehicles are getting bigger and bigger (and more dangerous to other sensible sized vehicles), though despite the power and extra space, the drivers of the craft use them primarily to putter around close to home.
Alice – Alice knows that generative AI is still stuck in the uncanny valley, which isn’t a problem since the art in this strip is already bizarre.
Family Circus – This comparison is unfair since Watterson is the master, but I always loved Calvin’s Dad’s explanation of where babies come from.
Alice-“Remember Clippy? I’m his much more annoying younger brother. No matter how many times you turn me off and uninstall me I’ll always come back.”
“I always appreciate a zig where I expect a zag.“
Is “zag” a name for that 5-eyed green thing in Alice?
If so, is it a derogatory slur?
@Philip: I also like when he tells Calvin that instead of the stork dropping him as a swaddled bundle on the doorstep, he was instead dumped unceremoniously down the chimney by a huge pterodactyl. Calvin, of course, fully embraces the idea.
FAMILY CIRCUS: I love the heavy-lidded incredulous look Billy is giving Dolly as she proudly displays her stunning lack of sex education. Billy: “Geez, girl, do you know anything? Obviously that house is undressed and is parading it around in public like a whore!”
MW: Sure, a semi-retired doctor owning an eight-figure yacht is one thing but him not wearing a scrambled eggs hat whenever he’s near the thing is going too far.
FC: Of course the house is born; did you think it slowly emerges over time through a series of gradual changes that adapt it to its environment and purpose? Dolly knows better than to spout that kind of heresy.
MW: I need a Below Decks episode showing Stellan’s state funeral from the perspective of Dr. Jeff’s yacht crew, and I need it today. (Actually, what I really need is an orca to come along and ram Wibur overboard, but I’ll take what I can get.)
At today’s performance, the role of Dr. Jeff will be played by Jim Carey in his Dumb and Dumber phase.
Here’s hoping Jeff bills Wilbur for fuel and crew overtime costs. Should run into several thousand dollars.
Mary Worth: Ahoy! All aboard the Good Ship Celibate!
MW – I can sense the palm salute making a comeback these days….
Alice – Who – Meet the new hire; Same as the old hire….
FC – This is the good part, Billy – it’s crowning….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
MW: Dr. Jeff has traded in his old, smaller, sleeker boat for the SS Overcompensating.
Alice: It’s nice that they gave the {squints} vendo a job. Evidently, the last snack bringer wasn’t to Alice’s liking.
FC: Dolly must believe humans go through some horrific Ray Harryhausen-esque transformation where flesh just grows on an existing skeleton.
MW – “Is that Jeff’s huge dinghy?”
MW – A three-hour tour. A three-hour tour.
Six Chix: What???
Yeah, you’d think for this kind of a favor, Mary could at least give Jeff a hand job. But we know she won’t. The question is, does Jeff still get his hopes up for such a thing?
Frazz: This is the first I’ve heard that Frazz runs. I wonder what his attitude is toward people who don’t run.
Luann: Seriously, this “perfect child” is more fucked up than the actual Shannon.
CS: Wait…I think I’ve figured it out. Crankshaft has been dead this whole time. Mopey can see dead people!
MW:
“Is that Kathie Lee Gifford dancing on the gangplank, Jeff? — why, you two-timing weasel, you!”
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: At least the sailors nearby will help him forget it all until his next “missionary” trip.
9CL: Cats aren’t tribbles, you dope!
BCN: Show cats, much like show dogs, are intended to exemplify the physical standards of specific breeds. You don’t just roll up to one with some domestic shorthair gremlin you picked up off the street.
C’shaft: Oh get bent, Batiuk. You’ve spent the past week showing Pete living in squalor, and now you want to play the “ha-ha, women be taking up all the closet space!” card? You think Pete actually has more than two changes of clothes? That he even bothers to hang them up?
Luann: This is the worst adaptation of Matilda ever.
@Bob Tice: Kathie Lee? That’s so 1990s. It’s Shaq strutting his stuff for Carnival these days.
Phantom: Well folks, we FINALLY have a gig using some of our exotic Wildlife talent! A peaceful scenic vista featuring Elephants, …uh, some type of Goats, and frolicking in the background – some Small Apes! Great job creating a juxtaposition with the crashed rocket! And I know some of you are worrying about the Animals being exposed to toxic rocket fuel, but my Intern assures us that’s not a prob…. WHAT? It was nuclear powered???
MW: OMG, Jeff is wearing a suit and tie! A SUIT AND TIE!!! I was not expecting this. Never had the remotest inkling that this fish farce could possibly get any more ridiculous. But — TA DA! — it just did! Props to Moy and Brigman. I guess.
@jroggs: There’s a reason that I love Judge Parker and do not read Sally Forth at all. Unfortunately, this JP story has been leaning much more heavily on the SF-style dialogue that is just absolutely awful in every way…
If you consider everything since Marciuliano took over a single JP story, yes.
@jroggs:
#42 RMMD:. Sadly, he’s just a kid with no name. His bullying is just at his way of making a name for himself. Sad.
Okay, like you say, that’s not Jeff’s boat, so there’s still a slim possibility that the fish funeral is an elaborate front, a conspiracy in which every character in Mary Worth agrees to get Wilbur down to the docks, clock him in the back of the head, and two days later he wakes up on the deck of a merchant vessel bound for another country. The captain throws him a mop, and that’s the last we ever see of Wilbur. When Dawn gets back, everyone simply agrees that she never had a father. “Oh!” says Dawn, confused but agreeable.
RMMD-At the end of all this I expect Rex to address the readers by saying “And that is why bullying is wrong and why you shouldn’t do it”.
MW: “Naw, Wilbur, that’s The Sultan’s boat. Mine’s over here. *points to S.S. Minnow replica* Ain’t she a beaut?!”
@Dan: That is a much better ending than the inevitable “Wilbur’s issues are sloppily bandaged until the next time he demands attention and Mary gets showered in praise and accolades for doing nothing helpful” ending.
FC: Dolly, Dolly, Dolly…for the love of…
Six Chix-“We’re giving a goldfish a funeral!”
@Daisy: Dolly, Dolly, Dolly, get your adverbs here!
CS: Of course it’s enough room. Does Mopey strike you as the kind of person who hangs up his clothes?
Frazz: Ah yes, running — the solution to everything!
Dustin: “XL” means Do Not Launder, idiot. One would think that would come naturally to you.
6Chix: What’s that, the S.S. Technical Support?
Blondie: Ha haaa, Blondie is actually funny today! How about that? Gives us hope that maybe one day Beetle Bailey and Hi and Lois will be funny too. Not a lot of hope, mind you, but still.
MW: please let them ram a rogue iceberg. Please. I mean that is the Titanic, isn’t it?
MW: Jeff used to have a small, maneuverable boat that he and Mary could take a spin in around the harbor. Now he has a boat that could be used in a dockside amateur performance of “H. M. S. Pinafore”?
Alice – I don’t mind a mustache. I don’t mind a robot. But a robot with a mustache is just creepy. I mean, the whole damn strip is creepy. It’s a hat on a hat. Or a mustache on a robot.
BB, H&L: Today is not that day.
MW: Shouldn’t Jeff be wearing his Sea Captain’s uniform?? What’s with the suit and tie????
MW: I am sick and tired of looking at Wilbur’s frickin’ face. Just sayin’.
I would very much recommend that future robot designers not put a hand there.
@Daisy: #95
STUPID FRICKIN’ FACE WITH THAT GOOFY GRIN AND PATHETIC COMBOVER!!!!! GAAAA!!!!!
“Oh ho, Dolly. You stumbled into Daddy’s secret basement and discovered skeletons? Well, kiddo, they’re nothing to be afraid of, they’re just… uh, your future brothers and sisters! Yes, soon they’ll grow flesh and be real live brothers and sisters. Yeah… that’s it.”
Phantom. Welp. It’s still there.
You know, an interesting plot twist would have been for the rocket ship to have vanished overnight. A tribute to the mysterious and overwhelming power of E. Musk.
Alice: Josh, with all due respect, if you put it out there to a focus group, I think they will tell you to get off your “Alice kick” and send this back to oblivion where it belongs.It’s not enhancing your brand.
“This is what a house looks like when it’s being born. Now, quick, while all the construction workers are cooing over how cute that was, grab all the copper and aluminum you can! We’re riding the horse tonight, bro, once we get down to the scrap dealer.”
@Daisy:
He thought dressing as a sea captain would be tasteless for a somber, serious event such as this GOLDFISH funeral.
Frankly, wearing the dress uniform of a sea captain would have been just as appropriate as a black suit, IMHO.
@Bob Tice: #5
grrrr…
GT: Okay…I know I’m ancient in many respects, but I think I understand that “GM” doesn’t stand for “General Motors” in this context…
P.S. Since they are discussing RPGs, could it stand for “Grand Master”?????
@Daisy: It’s amazing how Brigman made him so squishy and punchable compared to how Giella made his smug, compressed face already look like someone did the job.
Mary Worth: Jeff has actually sent an impersonator in his place, just to see if Mary can actually tell him apart from others. He is rather sad to learn she cannot.
Alice: This strip continues to find new ways to baffle and disturb me.
Family Circus: “The new HOUSE is being born! It hasn’t developed it’s infinite labyrinth yet, but that spiral staircase seems to be budding it. Wait til Mr. Navidson hears about this!”
@Bob Tice: #15
Gah!!!! You’re killin’ me here!!!!
Sweet baby Jesus how long is this Mary Worth plot going to go? I’m going to figure out how to put myself into the fictional Mary Worthiverse and chuck that fish into the ocean myself if it goes on for yet another month.
@Daisy: Nerd here. “GM” stands for “Game Master” or “Games Master.” The original “Dungeon Master” would incur lawsuits from Hasbro.
@je: Unless Wilbur goes into an attention seeking panic attack from the realization that he’s on a boat, hopefully this should end on Sunday.
FC: When a Mommy house gets into the zone, the daddy house sticks his board into her asphalt and…
@taig: Come on, man, RPGs are niche enough to be nerdy anymore. You gotta be into something really obscure.
Mary Worth is an Apex Predator, she wasn’t going to ride on the kind of yacht that’s vulnerable to orca attack, Dr Jeff was forced to upgrade.
MW:
“Wilbur, how would you like to come on deck and imitate the gait of the physicist who was the originator of quantum theory?”
“What exactly are you asking me to do, Jeff? — no; don’t say it.”
“Yep. Walk the ‘Planck‘ !”
@ectojazzmage:
Family Circus: “The new HOUSE is being born! It hasn’t developed its infinite labyrinth yet, but that spiral staircase seems to be budding it. Wait til Mr. Navidson hears about this!”
Leave me out of this! —M. Danielewski
MW-Moments before Jeff discreetly put his flask away. “Can’t believe I’m taking my boat out for a goldfish. Mary better keep her promise about touching me over my pants.”
Alice: Even the Tuesday chick would look at this and say “WTF?”
FC: “That’s right, Billy. Houses are alive. Can you imagine the unending pain they feel from the nails and screws humans drive into their flesh? They’ve all gone quite insane from the agony, and now they only want one thing: revenge on any humans who wrong them.” Bil and Thel didn’t appreciate the screaming nightmares, but they had to admit Dotty had gotten her brother to stop drawing on the walls.
The robot in Alice has a nose and mustache, which is ridiculous, but what really propels it into uncanny valley territory are those luscious, kissable lips.
@Voshkod: Neat! So, you’ve purchase the Tales of the Valiant books, to which I contributed?
MW-“There he is!” To save the day!
FC-Billy, grab one of those two by fours and smack Dolly with it.
Alice: “People complain that AI is prone to hallucinations, but I don’t really see the problem. I hallucinate all time.”
@taig: What system is that for?
@Voshkod: That is the system. It’s based off of 5e, basically after Hasbro decided to stick it to the companies that have been doing the work supporting and promoting their game.
Mary Worth – Oh, ye gods. Dr. Jeff is wearing a black suit and tie. Will his humongous yacht have an escort of tugboats and police boats?
In case you’ve forgotten, this is a funeral for a fucking goldfish.
Rex Morgan – So the medical issue is a concussion. Rex can put the leeches away, but he’ll still need the smelling salts.
Pluggers – Just last evening I had to ask Mr. Jive to open a jar for me, and it was so tightly closed that he had a hard time opening it. However, it was from Trader Joe’s, so we’re probably not pluggers.
Frazz – I do have to give Mallett some credit for naming the coffee shop Queequeg’s.
@taig: Ah, sadly, I break out in hives when faced with 5E. I do have some small writing credits on Werewolf, though.
Speed Bump & Andertoons – Great job, Sid!
@Jay Fawley: Jeff’s boat is bigger.
The former royal yacht is in Edinburgh. It’s a tourist attraction. Seriously.
@Voshkod: Nice. Onyx Path or White Wolf?
@taig: Old White Wolf. My buddy wrote for them and called me in as a pinch hitter for short deadlines. One of my Vampire characters actually had a card in their short-lived CCG.
Now that’s nerdy.
@Needless Exposition: #88
I seriously worry about these children…are they are ever going to be prepared to enter society as literate, productive citizens and achieve meaningful…wait…what’s that? Oh – this *isn’t* a reality show but a comic strip which was never intended to reflect reality? Okay. that explains it.
@Needless Exposition: That ain’t Dr. Jeff and it ain’t his boat — it’s a Chilean trawler that Mary arranged to drop him off at the Antarctic so he can spend a few more years with the penguins.
@Cleveland Mocks: #93
H&L: Chip is preparing for his future life as a demanding, fussy husband…
BB: This *is* Pride Month, isn’t it…
MW – Lots of boats tie up at the docks. That doesn’t mean this one is Dr. Jeff’s. His is probably the dingy tied up behind this one.
Of course, we’ve seen Mary and Jeff cruising on a fairly large boat before, though one not nearly as big as this. And Mary remarked that it was his “new” boat. So I’m thinking Jeff doesn’t really own a boat at all but just steals one whenever he wants to go for a joyride.
MW:
“Beautiful, and obviously expensive, boat, Jeff! — does it have a seafaring name?”
“Yep. The ‘Unnecessary Diagnostic’ !”
MW: I wish we had a proper burial at sea for Wilbur when he fell off the boat at the start of 2022.
@Liam, RxMD: Rex fingerwagging at the Fourth Wall and saying that starting a fight means throwing the first punch, no matter how provoked, and that’s bad, and you can always walk away from any situation.
@Anonymous: #102
I agree. Piloting a boat of that magnitude in a suit is silly. Jeff needs to wear the proud regalia of an admiral at the very least. Doing so would not only take Mary’s breath away but leave Wilbur totally awestruck believing that he, and he alone, was deserving of such a great honor. The only thing needed at this point is a naval escort and a flyover by the Blue Angels.
@Bob Tice: It looks like the Queen Mary!
@Needless Exposition: #105
Exactly! I do credit June Brigman with injecting new life into these moribund characters. when i look at the previous rendering of Wilbur, he reminds me of the human version of a pug without any of the lovability.
RMMD: is bully afraid he’s gone and killed Parker?
@ectojazzmage: #106
“Alice: This strip continues to find new ways to baffle and disturb me.”
It is disturbing. It’s like stumbling upon a Death’s Head hawk moth amid the pretty flowers in one’s tranquil garden. it makes me want to turn away.
MW: Dr. Jeff is just far away enough to finish rolling his eyes and getting into his game face before Mary sees him.
Alice: Since the usual characters would be unrecognizable as humans unless there were other cues telling us so, I guess it’s unsurprising that the drawing of the robot had me wondering until Josh’s commentary explained that that is what it is.
@taig: #109
Thank you, sir!! Those references to “Flaming Sword” and “Kormyr” went way over my head.
@Bob Tice: #114
*SCREEEAAAMMM!!!!*
RMMD: did Rene Belluso start out as a two-bit bully before becoming a two-bit con artist?
MW: I know Jeff is a doctor, and maybe a successful one, but that yacht would have cost a fortune. It must take $10,000 to gas it up. His monthly cruise with Mary probably costs a grand. And Mary won’t put out for him?
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Silly boy!
Mary Worth, 6/28/24: CHECK OUT; The Far Side Fish funerals https://www.pinterest.com/pin/18084835988275581/
@Daisy: I have to chime in and say that today’s Gil Thorp is, like Barajas’ depictions of sports and pretty much everything else, a bunch of gibberish to anyone who actually understands the subject material.
TL;DR – Barajas is misusing terms, showing total ignorance of the community, and mixing up concepts regarding tabletop gaming and video gaming. It’s a bit of a mess to break this down, because ALL of it is wrong, but bear with me if you’re curious.
Jami and Keeper (I don’t know this character’s name) are talking about looking for a difficult-to-find “flaming sword.” This is not a conundrum that would ever happen in tabletop gaming, which is managed by a human game master sitting at the table with you; it has to refer to a video game. Just keep that in mind for now.
Jami claims he thought the sword was a myth and didn’t have any idea how to locate it. Because of the internet, however, neither of these claims are plausible. A special sword in a popular video game would be thoroughly documented with countless guides on how to acquire it.
Keeper says that the sword can be found if you “dungeon crawl” in
CormyrKormyr. “Dungeon crawl” is a phrase more commonly applied to tabletop gaming where you and your friends will engage in a lengthy session of exploring a dungeon under the GM’s guidance and control; in video games, the proper phrase is “clearing a dungeon.” Minor, but still off; kind of like someone saying “The New York Yankees scored eight points last night” or “I met some interesting humans yesterday.” Jami claims he didn’t do this dungeon clear/ crawl, which prompts the questions of why he didn’t and why he was so certain of the falsehood of the sword’s existence when he wasn’t fully engaging with the game.Jami then asks Keeper how she knows so much “lore.” This isn’t lore. Lore in this context would refer to flavor information, like how the flaming sword belonged to the knight king Azoun IV of
CormyrKormyr and was used in the war against the Tuigan Horde or whatever. The existence and means of acquiring the sword is just game information; you might use a few terms for it, but “lore” is not one of them.Keeper claims she knows this information because she used to be a GM. Again we run into the tabletop vs video game issue. In a GM-run game such as on tabletop, the sword would be there or not be there according to the GM’s whim. If it’s a video game, then it would be managed by the game’s programming with no need of a GM. As for knowing lore because she was a GM in college, it’s another confused mess. First of all, Keeper’s lore knowledge would be out of date by about 25 years if college was where her involvement in the series ended. Secondly, being a GM isn’t really the claim of authority it proposes itself to be; to draw another analogy, it would be like saying “I understand French history and culture because I tutored people in French class back in the day.” It’s not completely disconnected, but it’s still a non sequitur, and often outright wrong as many people who’ve played D&D can and will attest.
Also, Barajas spelled Cormyr from Forgotten Realms incorrectly. Maybe that was on purpose to avoid getting sued by Wizards of the Coast. Or maybe there’s another game setting with a Kingdom of Kormyr that is ruled by the wise King Hernnadez.
@jroggs: You don’t want to mess with Hasbro’s lawyers. However, now that “One D&D,” or whatever-the-f they’re calling their slight revision to 5e, is moving to Greyhawk, maybe they’ll be less grouchy about the Forgotten Realms. Watch out when using The Bandit Kingdoms, though!
RMMD.
HeThey fell and hit their head? Rex is performing brain surgery next week!S4th — is it just me, or has 25-year-old Hilary been drawn with a nice rack?
Okay, I don’t pay attention to Mary Worth when Josh doesn’t do a post about it, so when I saw that in today’s strip they _haven’t even gotten onto the boat yet_, and I looked back and saw that the strip has been meandering and dawdling about getting onto the boat and Boat Day started all the way back on June 13, _15 days ago_, I have to say that the Mary Worth creative team are really being jerks about protracting what now seems inevitable, that Wilbur is going to fall off this boat and possibly drown, to death, and I wish they would just get on with it already.
In other news, Alice is terrible.
Luann: Naturally Shannon, had she been raised by Toni and B-Wad, would have inherited the love for literature that they display on a daily basis.
@Jeffmcm: Correction, Boat Day started on June 14. Two full weeks of nothing happening except bland chitchat leading up to whatever is going to happen on the boat, I cannot fathom how soap opera strips have been able to stay in print.
@Professor Well Actually: Mary strikes me as someone who is not only asexual but firmly against the idea of anyone not only having sex but enjoying it. She would have made the man who invented graham crackers (which he made to curb sexual urges) tell her that she needs to get laid.
As as for Jeff, there’s a reason why he goes on those extended missionary trips…
@Jeffmcm: You just know that as soon as that shitty little matchbox goes overboard, people are going to be rejoicing.
Don Abundio, translated:
“What are you knitting, Hilda? Some clothes for Mimosa?”
“No, she’s just serving as the model”
“I’m going to be the first person in history to knit an entire life-sized elephant”
@Liam:
“Why don’t you go hold together some pages or shut up?!”
Mary Worth: Wait, they still haven’t buried the fish? To say this strip moves at a glacial pace would be an insult to glaciers.
FC: Dolly, where’s the giant vagina in the neighboring house for it to get born out of?
On a side note my wife was incredulous when I told her that not only do Cabbage Patch Kids dolls get a birth certificate but when they come down the conveyer belt at the factory they go through a fake vagina made out of the same materials the dolls are made of. No shit. Saw in on TV news article back when those things were the big fad.
I’m really hoping that a shark comes up and eats Wilbur’s dead, frozen goldfish. And Wilbur when he dives in to save his dead, frozen goldfish.
@cheech wizard:
It’s that “bad boy charm” that keeps a giddy Mary ready to give Jeff her muffin*
*Literally, of course.
REX MORGAN M.D.: Oh noes! The
middle-agedmiddle-school ginger hit his head (A “Bonkus on the Konkus” according Dr, Morgan’s medically clinical expertise), meaning that he’ll no longer have any art skills when he comes to.Alice: Given this strip’s inexplicable approach to the drawing of humans, that “robot” might just be a guy in a wheelchair. Of course that would also mean there was no joke, but, you know, dog bites man.
MW: And with a boat that size it’s pretty much guaranteed that they won’t be able to see Stellan hit the water. Maybe we’ll get lucky and Wilbur will stand on the railing hoping for a better look.
@2+2=7:
meaning that he’ll no longer have any art skills when he comes to.
OH NO! That means the comedy stylings of the “Beanpole and Shorty” duo are finished!… Unless “really bad vaudeville humor” doesn’t count as an art ‘skill’, then I guess everything’s fine?
JUDGE PARKER: I’m still amazed at how Sophie continues to view all of this in slacked-jawed amazement as if she were some country bumpkin instead of some privileged nepo-baby. Like come on, girl, you’re rich! In the Wilson era this beach-side scenery would have inspired you to call Abby and persuade her to buy those other houses on a madcap whim, not drolly comment on how “the other half lives” like you’re some (ugh) suburban commoner (aka Marciluiano’s other strip.)
C-Shaft: Somehow, Mindy is still there in Pete’s apartment. For some reason, so is Crankshaft.
Crock: In today’s changing media environment, the press covering Crock’s base are represented by a single man with a “P” card sticking out of his hatband and a microphone leading to a parachute backpack. Absolutely spot-on.
GT: From Gil’s perspective the best thing about this whole arrangement is that when his son asks questions like “How do you know so much lore?” it’s at someone else’s house and he can be blissfully ignorant.
H&L Is this the girl who agreed with Chip that they’d have an intense summer fling and then break up? Because things might be getting ahead of even that schedule.
JP: He was a boy with a beach
She was a girl with a horse ranch
Can I make it any more obvious?
Luann: So in addition to the whole Stepford Child thing Toni’s fantasy Shannon has a precocious interest in The Great Books. Where’s that coming from. Toni herself doesn’t seem like a bookwork. Brad? Ha, good one!
Phantom: Remember, Ian, it’s not the size of your rocket but the pleasure it provides.
@Lee S.:
Moy and Brigman will be wrapping it up when California floats off and becomes an island.
MW: Not sure if this has been mentioned, but burial at sea isn’t entirely appropriate for a goldfish, which is a freshwater fish. They should be at Pickadee Falls.
Crank: Judging from Ed’s expression, he knows that has been dragged into this purely to spend the week punctuating a shapeless conversation between Mope & Mindy with vaguely punchline-like comments, and he hates it almost as much as I do!
DT: “Gonna show our notoriously technophobic boss your phone? Is that why I’m currently watching you print the photo out on paper?”
GT: I have new respect for everyone who reads the strip while actually knowing about sports, and must feel like I do right now all the time. On the other hand, I recommend anyone who doesn’t know why this is nonsense just let it wash over you, like I do the sports blather.
JP: Ces has tried to work out how rich Lucas’s family would have to be for a Driver-Spencer to say “Wow, they’re rich” and has decided they actually own the Hamptons.
MW: Speaking as someone who has pointedly only been following Mary Worth when it’s featured here, but thought this was giving me a sense of just how slowly this “story” was progressing, can I just say “You mean they haven’t even got on the freaking boat yet???”
@2+2=7: “In the Wilson era this beach-side scenery would have inspired you to call Abbey and persuade her to buy those other houses on a madcap whim…”
Buy? BUY? Wilson would have had every owner on that street GIVE the houses to Sophie at no cost. And throw in every vehicle they own.
As infuriating as JP was then, I miss those days. Wilson was a hack writer, but at least he didn’t think he was Noel Coward.
@BeckoningChasm: Alice: that robot has an impressive array of medals.
They’re combat ribbons. Alice is dead.
@Bob Tice: “Hark! — do I hear Jeff invoking the time-honored literary device of apostrophe to call out the cotton absorbents in my purse?”
“Avast, ye swabs!”
_______________________
Cue the Q-tips™!
Phantom: Calling shenanigans. It took almost a week for this monstrosity to crash into this pond/lake whatever and now monkeys are exploring it and elephants and gazelles are nonchalantly grazing? Shouldn’t (sorry Sid) there be dead fish and other wildlife floating around from the flaming impact? Scavengers feasting on animal parts?
Can anyone make out what it says on that sign in today’s Familliar Mucus?
Late Thread Cuisine: Inspired by today’s Mary Worth: Sausage Boatees, boats containing tiny weenies.
@179 Garrison Skunk: The sign says, “Bum Boat”.
@Baja Gaijin: Late thread cuisine – I’m not sure what is on the toothpick that’s holding the weenie and cheese slice (I think that’s a slice of processed cheese around the sausages) together – it looks like a piece of pineapple, but it could be a small wedge of cheese. I think I see a tomato, too.
That’s not as strange as some of the recipes.
It looks like the cook started out making pigs in a blanket and quickly lost interest.
@182 I speak Jive: You’re good. Here’s the recipe:
Blondie, 1949: A lesson to us all.
MW: Good heavens. This boat has been GasAlleyed. It’s bad enough when a GA kid shifts between six and thirty-six, but it turns out to be even worse when a boat does it.
@184 e-scuds: It has to be Herb at Blondie’s “back door”–Daggy’s in front of her. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
@Liam: I have done a very large amount of laughing at today’s MW comments, and many have been spectacular, so yours being the one that made me laugh hardest is… *searches for rusty medal in sweatpants pocket* …well, here you go.
@Needless Exposition: “Shitty little matchbox” is going to be my new nickname for Wilbur.
@Baja Gaijin: Sounds whimsical, he says before looking at the photo.
@2+2=7:
On JP: Sophie’s in slack-jawed amazement not at the fact that the house is huge and well appointed but that it belongs to the family of Lucas, who she clearly thought was some loser with puppy-dog eyes from some ‘poor’ family who she’s deigned to bless with a spot in her friend zone.
@Artist formerly known as Ben:
On Luann: Maybe in Toni’s little fantasy Luann (remember her? the person the strip is named after?) is also intelligent, helpful and energetic about improving her life and the lives of those around her? Makes just as much sense as anything else we’ve seen this week.
@189 taig: Having seen the photo, does it still look whimsical?
@Artist formerly known as Ben:
I know one place Shannon didn’t get it, Gunther in that dreaded Billy the Bookworm costume.
@Baja Gaijin: That would be a “no.”
@193 taig: Color me “surprised” which is actually puce.
@Baja Gaijin: I’d never heard of a boatee before. I wish I still hadn’t.
Was Martin Mull in anybody’s deadpool? He was 80. RIP.
@196 Guillermo el chiclero: He’s 80? Damn. I didn’t realize he was that old.