Charterstone will be empty by the afternoon
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Mary Worth, 11/27/24
Oh, man, this is incredible, we’re now on day three of Mary’s dinner guests making it very clear that they don’t mind at all that dinner’s been cancelled, and then going off and doing the thing that they’re now free to do because dinner’s been cancelled while very much not worrying about whether Mary’s dying or whatever. In Dr. Jeff’s case, the thing that he’s now free to do is to take a brisk walk alone into the woods and never come back.
Shoe, 11/27/24
Normally it would be the guy delivering the gag who would get the heavy lidded expression of despair in the second panel, indicating his shame at delivering terrible Shoe-level wordplay. But that’s not the case here, which leads me to believe this guy isn’t making a joke or anything. He’s dead serious about it: the toilet seat thing is a sick sex thing, one that drives his wife wild with desire, and it’s no doubt just the beginning of some very elaborate process that you do not want to know about. Shoe’s right to look so angry about having to hear this.
Pluggers, 11/27/24
Hey, pluggers, you guys know that they give the mall Santas a wig and a fake beard, right? It’s pretty obvious when you look at them. Even the little kids can tell, for the most part.
167 replies to “Charterstone will be empty by the afternoon”
Mary Worth Mashups: What does Dr. Jeff do?
MW:
“Jeff, I’m so delusional from this bug I’ve contracted that I’m hallucinating that I’m a semiaquatic fish-eating mammal of the weasel family!”
“My dear Mary…always thinking of otters!”
MW: “Are you tired of me already, Mary?”
“Well, let’s put it this way, Jeff, my perennial beau, you were not the first person I called.”
“Darling”?? Surely as a doctor Jeff can recognise the signs of severe delirium.
MT: Thus begins an eight week series of strips on The Handbook of Sloyd.
Shoe: Look, Susie, if you’re going to make a joke about someone being married for 35 years, maybe don’t make them look like they’re 32 years old.
DT: Speaking of contentious changes, when did Liz(z) turn into a male anime protagonist from the 1980s?
H&L: Remember how Hi is somehow a forty-something man who grew up listening to the Beatles when they were just starting out? Eric Reaves doesn’t! So now Hi hates that noisy rock-and-roll the kids listen to, um, “these” days. Speaking of kids these days, boy that Hi & Lois clip-art library is starting to ail severely. So now Chip’s band of current year teenagers includes some kind of disco beatnik running a a three-card-monte game on a table he bought for $10 at Walmart and the babyhead creep wearing safety glasses and a tiny sailor hat while holding his drum sticks like he’s about to eat some chow mein. Why even put them in the panel if this is the best you can do?
JP: Why would it matter whether Anndoryl is caught in the Parkers’ home town or somewhere else when the charge is murder? Did Cavelton secede from the United States or something? I guess I’ll have to defer to Alan and Randy’s superior legal knowledge on this matter, especially considering Don’s cause of death was, according to the coroners, “I ‘unno.”
RMMD: For the thousandth time, I stare at a Terry Beatty story arc and ask, “Why does this tale need to be told?”
MW: Back in the day, there was an awesome sci-fi show called “The Invaders” in which malevolent aliens walked among us. The only way you could tell them apart from real humans was that the aliens could not unstraighten their pinkies. Time has passed, but the aliens are still among us and have overcome their problem with the pinkies. The improbable way they hold their cellphones is now the only clue to their true nature.
MW:
“Mary, I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant, if your situation worsens and I am required to treat you: I will respect the hard-won scientific gains of those veterinarians treating river horses in whose steps I walk, and gladly share such knowledge as is mine with those who are to follow.”
“What in the world is that, Jeff?”
“The Hippopotamic Oath!”
@Charterstoned:
Didn’t Roy Thinnes star in that show, and wasn’t he the protagonist who had a unique ability to be able to distinguish normal humans from invaders?
MW:
Why is Jeff wearing that garish plaid?– did he lose a bet?
MW: Mary may be under the weather, but she’s apparently not too sick to practice her cock-teasing skills on Jeff by calling him “Darling” in the same breath as she tells him “DON’T come over tonight.”
@Bob Tice: That’s the one. That straight pinky narrowed it down quite a bit, though. It was either an alien or a snooty socialite drinking tea.
Dennis the Menace: You, Dennis! Back into the Chair of Shame in the Corner of Punishment! Bogarting Dolly’s tired puns. You’re better than that. At least I thought you were.
MW: For a second there, I thought Jeff was indulging his true feelings by offering a middle finger as he chatted with Mary. Which he could have been, if he had six fingers. Which he MIGHT have only we haven’t noticed it before.*
*See earlier comment regarding straight pinkies.
Pluggers refuse to take part in No Nut November.
MW: Dr Jeff drops his axe; “Looks like someone got a reprieve, Mister Gobbles.”
Shoe: And here you thought knowing about cloacas was bad. And here I thought knowing about cloacas was bad. Anyway, it’s 6:58 A.M. where I am, time to break into the Johnny Walker!
PLUGGERS: “They”? Sounds unpluggeresque to me.
Pluggers: Also every November: Pluggers’ wives remind them that while they’ve aged well, they shouldn’t get too full of themselves, Scott Gallatin of Wilson Wisconsin.
MW: since when has. Mary cared about others?
What kind of a doctor is Dr Jeff, anyway, if he can’t even visit his sick girlfriend to find out what’s wrong with her* and if he can help?
*COVID, please let it be COVID.
MW: If this leads into an It’s A Wonderful Life dream sequence in which Mary learns that all of Charterstone would be far better off without her, and then the strip ends forever, it would go down in history as the greatest newspaper comic of all time.
@Charterstoned:
That was a great show. It only lasted a couple of years, though — I guess you can only have so many plot lines involving malevolent aliens. I’m thinking it ran in the later ’60s.
“Mary Worth” is quckly turning into “The Little Red Hen.” Will anyone make Thanksgiving dinner?
“Not I,” said Toby.
“Not I,” said Dawn.
“Not I,” said Dr. Jeff.
It’s a page-turner, that’s for sure.
Many older men grow their own beards during the year to work as mall Santas. If you want to see a fake beard in all its tacky glory, go to a Breakfast with Santa at a local firehouse or Kiwanis or church.
@Ukranazi Stepan: Pleaseohpleaseohplease! (I have Mary in the dead pool.)
MW: I don’t claim to be an expert, but I would have portrayed Jeff…Mary’s boyfriend…the physician…offering the tiniest bit of medical attention, and with a WAY less gleeful expression.
SHOE:Toilet Seat Bird is obviously a sadist. Why does he even have a toilet? The time-honored bird method- dropping it off a branch- is so much less complicated.
MW: Dr. Jeff is somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. That’s how much he doesn’t care.
Shoe: Fortunately, this discussion won’t continue tomorrow, where it dives hard into scat p0rn.
Pluggs: Speaking of a wig and fake beard, you can’t tell me that’s the Pluggers natural hair. I’m going to guess he mauled George Clooney for that setup.
MW-Mary Worth always thinking of others and how they can benefit her.
FC-Because Grandma is suffering from dementia and your father just doesn’t have the heart to take her out behind the woodshed.
MW-Jeff wasn’t planning on coming over anyways. He’s at his other girlfriend’s place.
Family Circlejerk – Thel understands. HTT Grandma calls her by even more names: courtesan, slut, floozy, slattern, concubine, hussy, tramp, whore, strumpet . . .
Luann: At first, I was going to scoff at the fact that Luann did nothing to contribute to the meal and was confined to a simple arts n’ crafts project. Then I realized that even though children as young as five can be helpful in the kitchen with some guidance, Luann can’t even reach that level of competence without setting herself on fire. Also, not that I care, but where is Bernice? Surely, she isn’t visiting her family for Thanksgiving.
CS: Panel 3 contains a question Batiuk’s audience snarkily asks on a constant basis.
9CL: What happened to the pair of glasses Lolly had shoved down her bikini?
Also, pluggers think malls are still a thing.
MW: OK, everyone, put a pin in your calendar: Mary and Jeff’s regular scheduled sex night is Wednesday. Or maybe the Wednesday before Thanksgiving specifically. Sorry Jeff, better luck next year.
It isn’t unbelievable that a plugger of that species would want to maul Santa instead of becoming a mall Santa.
FC: “She knows my skull isn’t numb. Also, what is an ‘umbesill?'”
Dustin: It’s not like Ed is going to listen to your advice to change his habits, so you might as well fob him off to a doctor who cares even less about Ed’s health.
Plugger men don’t have hair that luxurious. Like me, they have bald spots that reflect so much sunlight that they’re a hazard to air traffic.
Pluggers: Every May a Plugger is reminded that with a little more hair they’d make a passable Karl Marx.
MW: “When Mary Calls Jeff” world’s worst rom-com
CS: “Have you come up with a title for your next book?”
“Yes, ‘Murder at the Book Burning.'”
“You mean like when they tried to burn down your bookstore?”
“Brilliant deduction, Sherlock.”
Side note: When I was in the Army and one of the guys would say something painfully obvious, someone else would say, “Boy, you’re a real fox.” One guy stated the obvious so often that his name became Fox.
Plugging — An old man realizes he looks much like the idealized version of an old man. That is all.
@Baja Gaijin: that last one is serious nightmare fuel! Congratulations.
@Baja Gaijin:
In #1, I guess we can assume that Jeff is having Cup-a-Soup.
But I like #2. Hell, the man deserves it.
MW: Mary does think of others but, as usual, she thinks of Dr Jeff last. Maybe that’s because when she’s thinking of those others, she’s really thinking about how she can fix their problems, and Dr Jeff’s problem seems to be that he’s in a one-sided long-term relationship with someone who keeps him around mainly to gloat about her other successful interventions.
Shoe: Speaking of weird expressions, Shoe seems positively shocked by that information in panel 1, presumably because a lifestyle of hard living has left him completely unable to perform sexually. I was going to look up whether birds actually get erections, but I really don’t want to see what that will do to my search algorithm.
Pluggers: It’s funny how (literal) framing can make all the difference in a strip like this. With a close-up the message seems to be “Pluggers do have a lot of facial hair!”. If we zoomed out just a little, however, I think the message would be “Pluggers have a round belly that shakes like jelly, probably from too many milk and cookies…”
Actually, many malls do hire people with actual beards as Santa.
It’s not uncommon to hire big bearded bikers as Mall Santas.
I once read an anecdote, about this one Santa who was a tough as nails biker.
He asked this one little girl what she wanted for Christmas.
She said “I want Daddy to stop having special bedtime with me”
Santa gently put the girl down onto the floor, went over to the father and started beating the crap out of him before calling the police at what the father was doing to his daughter.
Don Abundio, translated:
“Yum Yum’s outfit is particularly bizarre today”
“Are you cosplaying as Jackie Kennedy?”
“NO!”
“Not bad! I love trolling her”
Dustin: Once again, the doctor’s fatshaming of DustinDad might work better if they didn’t have exactly the same body. I suppose it’s not the artist’s fault that he has such a limited skill set, but the writer doesn’t need to keep drawing attention to it.
@The Rambling Otter:
I hope it is real.
Shoe – How do I drive my wife wild? By imagining an ambiguous diner/bar situation where two guys are on opposite sides of a counter, one drinking coffee and the other drinking beer, and they both appear to be customers. It makes her crazy!
Mary Worth – Thanks to her cold isolating her, many in Mary’s orbit are no longer under the sway of her baked goods, which are key to her dominance over their lives. While she’ll make them feel obligated to rally around her and help, when they talk among themselves about Mary, a few forbidden thoughts will be spoken aloud about how much Mary interferes in their lives. It won’t be enough to end her dominance, but just enough to permanently put the wedge in. Mary’s time as queen bee at Charterstone is now coming to an end.
Shoe – Shoe is mad because since the introduction of plumbing, bird people have stopped lining their bathroom floor with his newspaper and his circulation has plummeted.
Pluggers – Older Pluggers are banned from most dating apps due to creeping out women who are problematically much younger than them. So they hope to meet some single mothers at the mall, hoping those women will lower their standards for a man who might not have youthful looks, but some stability. But young people don’t go to the mall anymore, and he’ll only see Plugger women his own age shopping for their grandchildren, which will lead him to post a rant about young people and feminism on his Facebook page that only his fellow toxic male Pluggers will react to.
Damn it, Shoe! Now you’re not just making me think about cloacae again, now you’re making me wonder why the bird people added liftable seats to their toilets. It’s only Wednesday, for crying out loud, I don’t need this on my mind for the rest of the week.
Frazz: Mrs. Olsen decided not to assign homework just to piss off Caulfield. Now the little shit has nothing to whine about. Well played, Mrs. O.!
GT: And the claws are out! Should be a fun time at the dinner table. “Gil, why didn’t you tell me that your new *friend* doesn’t cook? Poor boy, you must be so malnourished all the time.”
RMMD: “Yeah, okay, FINE!”
“FINE!”
“FINE!”
“FINE WITH ME!”
“FINE!”
Look at those towering evergreens behind Dr. Jeff! This episode of Mary Worth was shot in Vancouver for the tax incentives.
You’re a Plugger if a beard makes you look like one of the less memorable presidents of the late nineteenth century
Dr Jeff is not disappointed. He is used to Mary preventing him from coming
MW: why can’t Mary calling off her traditional Thanksgiving dinner be simply be about her not feeling up to it? Why does it have to be about how wonderful she is?
“Leaving the toilet seat up enrages my wife, who says ‘why do we even have a toilet? We have a cloaca we cannot control, we just shit on the floor everywhere'”
“Jeff, could you visit me to do a medical check-up?”
“Sorry Mary, I don’t work holidays, otherwise I would have dated Estelle”
Mary Worth: Dr. Jeff hangs up and goes to focus on his true love, Sasquatch, reassuring the great ape that of course their relationship isn’t just physical and of course Mary doesn’t know.
@Ettorre: Austin Powers: Oh B. Hayes…
MW: “Take care and be well…Don’t die or anything…Just kidding! Bye!”
Opens Blue Sky by Bastille from his iPhone playlist:
Is that a blue sky? Is that a blue sky?
It’s about damn time, yeah, it’s about damn time.
Is that a blue sky? Is that a blue sky?
It’s about damn time, yeah, it’s about damn time!
SHOE: Well of course the toilet seat “drives his wife wild.”
The wife: “I keep telling you, Harold, this toilet is such a waste of time and money. We’re birds! We have cloacas. We do our business wherever we have the urge! Now get rid of this toilet silliness and buy some more newspapers…particularly ones that still run Shoe comics!
The Plugger version of Miracle on 34th Street culminates in Bear Santa being proven real by the U.S Forest Service right before he messily devours a young Natalie Wood.
DtM: Back home Thursday night Martha says to George; “Can you believe Alice stuffed the turkey with popcorn? How does Henry put up with it.” George replies; “If I was stuffing Alice, I wouldn’t care either.”
Santa’s hair is white. Never thought I’d see Pluggers betray unfamiliarity with both Christmas and getting old.
@MKay: Dr Jeff is gleeful, because now that Mary isn’t around, he can finally have a decent sex life.
Today strips are all about old people and the problems with their wife-girlfriend: not assisting your significant other when they are sick (Mary Worth), having constant fights over small things (Shoe), having a beard (Pluggers)
Blondie: I love Maya. Her face is usually drawn in the final panel as if experiencing a wild orgasm. Today, however, she demonstrates an alternative sex talent.
BF: Lousy-Writer Friend has spent ten years not-finishing a novel. You know what THAT means, right, breakfast clubbers? The best she can hope for is posthumous literary glory.
Curtis: Great Scott, Chutney is a Quadroon. No wonder Curtis wants nothing to do with her; he can smell the honkey from a mile off.
MW/GT: Dr. Jeff is on his way to Gil Thorp’s house for a traditional dinner of wine and pizza.
MW: “Oh Jeff, don’t say that! I’ve been tired of you for a long, long time now.”
Pluggers: On one hand, most of the Santas-for-hire I see around these days use their natural facial hair. On the other, the shopping mall is perhaps the only institution more decrepit than print journalism, and probably have to make do with whoever is willing to sit on a decrepit armchair smelling faintly of stale urine under a crumbling “workshop” pavilion waiting for the occasional straggling customer while the elf who sells photos texts her boyfriend.
@Cleveland Mocks:
On Frazz : Mrs Olsen insulting the kids under her breath took me back for a second there, because usually when this strip tries to reinforce the “Caufield is a genius, and Mrs Olsen is a bad teacher” premise, they have Caufield insisting he gets straight A+’s all the time, not have Mrs Olsen gratuitously hating on the kids.
Like, this is the most they’ve sold me on Mrs Olsen being a bad teacher in a long while
(though it’s excusable if Caufield’s antics are being imitated by his classmates)@Ettorre:
On Pluggers : Rutherford Hayes was a Plugger?
FC: In between swigs of Jim Beam, Grandma says; “Hey, Thel. Can’t you get these kids labels or tattoos with their names on them?”
Thel replies under her breath; “As if you can read.”
Pluggers – Everyone knows that Mrs. Claus is Santa’s real beard. #NorthPole
Shoe: For the birds of Shoe, going wild means giving up the drinkware of humans and sipping from whatever puddle, birdbath or open toilet they can find.
MW: When the iPhone 4 was released, it had to be held awkwardly to avoid decreasing the antenna’s signal strength. Dr. Jeff never unlearned this.
H&L: @jroggs: Considering that beatnik’s physique, I think it’s safer to use “they” until we get some pronouns.
FC: @Baja Gaijin: Dennis may not be able to match Dolly’s puns, but at least his parents know not to put flatscreen TVs on the floor.
MW: Please let this end in a “Murder on the Orient Express” style subplot where the Charterstone residents enjoy their first Mary-free Thanksgiving in years and reveal that they had conspired to get her sick in advance…
Every GT entry needs a Marty Moon so I know what the characters are supposed to be emoting. In the last panel who knows what the new gf thinks?
@Old School Allie Cat: Why don’t the Clauses have children?
Santa comes only once a year and it’s down a chimney.
#santajizz
RMMD: As you know, the Morgan Dogs – Abbey and… the other one – are in-house players, not our clients. But we’ve been after them for years to occasionally employ some Domesticateds from our vast selection of adorable Animal Companions. And now it seems they’re ready to take up our long-standing offer… if only for some tertiary characters.
But it’s a start! We’ve already sent over some Good Dogs for their approval and maybe they’ll be making their selection for “The Lewton’s Dog” soon. I just hope this turns out better than that time we provided the talent for “Edward’s Dog”….
Family Circlejerk – So much for HTT Grandma to scold about. Billy, with a shoe untied, is unwilling to share his basketball with PJ, who is looking major pissed off to the side. And, in the foreground, is Thel’s dildo, which the melonheads have taken and are using as a game. But in her dotage, HTT Grandma can’t keep them straight, and in her confusion she’s not even sure if she is in the right house. Well done, Keane LTD.
BCN: “She was supposed to pick them up at school two hours ago!”
C’shaft: “I don’t come up with ideas, I just come up with titles. I’m going to let one of those new AI publishers write this one; it can only be an improvement.”
Dustin: “Well, only one of you. Actually, just you specifically.”
GT: “Clearly you’re a bad influence on him.” *advances on her, brandishing the rolling pin*
JP: Nobody else in the country cares what happens in Cavelton, I guess. (You know what, that tracks.)
Lio: Look, Lio, you got to pick on the last Menken-Ashman movie musical night; it’s the lobster’s turn!
Luann: “I’m sorry, I forgot your name but I was pretty certain on the initial.”
Brad making “biscuits and potatoes” probably involved a twelve-pack of King Hawaiian rolls and a box of potato flakes.
MT: Guessing the Lost Forest doesn’t have anything in the way of a building code.
Phantom: Hey, I called it being the name of an English pub! Neville Stokes doesn’t look like promising love affair material, though…
@Ukulele Ike: #67: Wait a second. Isn’t a quadroon one quarter black? Did they ever specify that Chutney’s late mom was mixed race? If her mom was black wouldn’t that make Chutney a mulatto? Of course, she could’ve just been adopted by a white couple.
Luann: Where’s TJ, the only cast member who is a professional cook by trade? Why isn’t he contributing to the big feed?
@Ettorre: Pretty sure Mary Worth is about having a beard as well.
Sheesh, you’d think Karen Moy of all people would know better than to bring back Ah-Choo, Mary Worth’s Asian manservant in 1954 that was so racially offensive even segregationist newspapers threatened to drop the strip.
MW: Wilbur shows up at Mary’s house anyway, she cooks for him and dies of exhaustion. Wilbur’s grief lasts only a third as long as he whined over that fish.
Shoe: Oh, that’s right. I kinda forgot there’s actually a character named Shoe who’s supposed to be the start of this strip.
@41 Ukranazi Stepan: Attempting to have a sexual relationship with Mary Worth is a nightmare in and of itself.
@42 Cleveland Mocks: I am hurt. I had to search far and wide for a bowl of something that could pass as soup in Mary Worth. It wasn’t easy, nor does it look much like soup, which fits into the visual theme of the strip.
@67 Ukulele Ike: on Curtis: “Honkey”? I haven’t heard that term since the last “The Jeffersons” rerun I watched. Which was last week. So I guess this wasn’t the best argument that “honkey” is an outdated term.
@Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!: I expect the dog to play a hero role and get help when Merle collapses on the sidewalk from an undiagnosed ailment. All because Rex didn’t order any lab work or other testing, and didn’t even do a basic physical exam.
Dr. Jeff has gotten this phone call from Mary many, many times before. She was tired of him already. He had already left the comic strip and was passing through Mark Trail’s comic before she explained that she was just sick this time and he could stick around.
FC – Holier than thou Grandma went through the other kids’ names, Sam, Barfy, and Kittycat before she remembered Jeffy.
Bil/Jef missed the mark on this one. When kids are misbehaving, adults know exactly who they are and call them by their first, middle, and last names.
Crankshaft – Wonderful. A moronic, half assed book about a moronic, half assed burning attempt.
Frazz – Insufferable little shit Caulfield wouldn’t do the homework anyway.
Ripley’s – I can’t believe that no one has commented about the tiny, hairy balls.
@Baja Gaijin: Mashups – I like Dr. Jeff’s utter lack of concern in the first one. That salad soup looks delicious.
@jroggs: Re JP -Thank you for pointing out that the murder charge would apply outside of Cavelton, too. That was my first thought when I read this, too.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Don’t forget harlot!
@Guillermo el chiclero: @Baja Gaijin: I was going less for exactitude than for funny-sounding words. It’s a characteristic of my refined wit.
Phantom: “But I can’t wait until eleven. I need two large whiskies and a pint of bitter right NOW.”
“Neville Stokes.” Thank god this guy isn’t supposed to be an Irishman — DePaul would have called him “Paddy Murphy.” A Scotsman would be “Jock McLeod.” A Welshman would be “Taffy Meddwl.”
MW: I can only hope this is setting up an “It’s A Wonderful Life” type story*
*I really really realllllllllllllly don’t hope that
@Baja Gaijin:
@42 Cleveland Mocks: I am hurt. I had to search far and wide for a bowl of something that could pass as soup in Mary Worth. It wasn’t easy, nor does it look much like soup, which fits into the visual theme of the strip.
Oh, Baja, I am really sorry. Um, I guess I was just being a little too literal. I blame this on the new Gil Thorp artist.
Curtis: For some reason, I thought “Mr. Devoe” would have been one of the trio known as “Bel Biv Devoe.” What a letdown not seeing Ricky Bell enshrined in the comic form.
@90 I speak Jive: Is that salad? I have it saved as “chili” in my archives.
Thanks. Also skank. Probably a lot more we could add.
This is a sad way to discover that Josh has never met a mall Santa with commitment to the bit.
REX MORGAN M.D.: Mr. Lewton: “Wait, when did we get a dog? I thought that was just an excuse for you to wander on over to your lover’s house so that I can watch my ‘stories’ in peace.”
REX MORGAN M.D: So what’s the funniest part about this? A 21st century household that has only one TV? A person who likes Korean dramas who somehow is unaware of smartphones and streaming content? A guy succumbing to his wife’s aesthetic sensibilities when he previously demonstrated that he doesn’t really respect or care for her opinion. A woman who has no problem unabashedly nagging her boorish husband has been meekly taking on the sole responsibility of walking the dog all this time?
This is a trick question, of course, because this is Rex Morgan M.D. where the “funniest part” is suffocated under an overpowering miasma of dullness.
Dirk Twacy :Liz catches Sam using MCU property for his nightly porn run.
50 years ago today, newsreaders learned the FBI was training vice cops with a mock casino. The husband ant had a snappy comeback to his wife’s comments about his gambling addiction in B.C.
MW: June Brigman must be pissed that she can’t use her recycled “holiday feast” art again, like she did in 2023: https://imgur.com/a/h7TR8Ch
LUANN: Leave it to this little dolt to pat herself on the back for supplying one name card to this year’s gathering. Surely that’s as big a contribution as her dad’s in preparing the turkey.
DT: Sam learns that the Totten family, in the late 1940s, changed their name from “the Scheisskopfs” to something less German-sounding.
Family Circus: Grandma has dementia or some other reason she’s losing her mind and can’t remember things.
Curtis: The syndicate colorist accidentally made Chutney’s father Caucasian.
Dustin: “You’re a grotesque abomination and I frankly didn’t go through years of medical school to look at unhealthy people”
Beetle Bailey: What’s the actual deal with Blips and her breasts? Was there some kind of compromise made so that Buxley can have a huge chest as long as Blips is equally disproportional?
Pluggers don’t know that Mall Santas went out with malls.
MW: The Case of the Contagious Cook, cont.
At Santa Royale Hospital, the situation continued to deteriorate as residents from in and around the Charterstone Condominium Complex streamed into the emergency room, all complaining of the same symptoms suggestive of food poisoning.
Dr. Jeff Cory sank wearily into an armchair in the ER’s waiting room, and took a deep breath before turning to address Della Street. “Let’s go over it again, Miss Street. Did your Aunt know ANYONE at Charterstone? We’re trying to figure out what the vector is. You can help us!”
“No, Dr. Cory,” Della replied firmly. “To my knowledge, she wasn’t acquainted with anyone who lived there. In fact, the only reason she would have had to be in Santa Royale in the first place was that she was going to check out ANIMAL HOSPITAL for her pet doves. Unfortunately, they escaped as she was taking them in to see the vet, so she didn’t spend long there.”
“Doves, you say? How many were there?” Jeff leaned in, interested.
“If you don’t mind, Doctor,” interrupted Lt. Tragg, “I’LL ask the questions here. Miss Street, how many doves did your Aunt have?”
“Just the one pair, Lieutenant. But they flew off. I don’t see what possible difference it could make–”
“When did this happen?”
“Oh, a couple of weeks ago. The vet never got a chance to see them to tell Aunt Minnie what was wrong with them, because not only did they get away, but the vet wasn’t even there because he was getting married.”
“Wait a minute!” Dr. Jeff exclaimed. “Two doves? What color were they?”
“White, I think. Why?”
“Because I was AT that wedding, and I remember seeing two strange doves flying alongside the ones that live at Charterstone! I remember thinking at the time that perhaps they had rented additional Dove o’ Love for the ceremony. NOW I know wonder…! What is those two doves WERE sick, and they somehow managed to contaminate the food that was served at the wedding reception?” Dr. Jeff paced excitedly about the room. “It’s just POSSIBLE! The avian flu has been going around and these doves would be a perfect vector, especially if they had any contact whatsoever with the wedding party!”
“That’s all well and good,” Lt. Tragg said. “But WHO supplied the other birds for the wedding?”
“I can tell you that, Lieutenant,” said Perry Mason who had been listening intently. “My guess is, Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!”
“Now we’re getting somewhere.” Tragg placed his hat firmly on his head as he got ready to leave. “We’ve had our eye on Sid for some time, now. Not that he’s ever been caught doing anything illegal, mind you. But with the number of animals coming up dead in Santa Royale this past year–!”
“Lieutenant, I think you might be barking up the wrong tree,” Mason observed dryly. “Those animals all died at ANIMAL HOSPITAL, at the hands of the vet who works there. Paul Drake had been shadowing him after we started receiving requests for representation by owners who felt their pets had died…prematurely. He was just finishing up his surveillance when this–” Mason stopped mid-sentence, a frown creasing his forehead and his large eyes opened even wider in consternation.
“What is it, Perry?” Della asked when she saw the expression on his face.
“I’m beginning to think this might be more than just accidental food poisoning, Della. Somebody who knew Paul was investigating wanted him out of the way. We were lucky he was with us when he fell ill, so that he could be brought here to Santa Royale Hospital before it was too late. That somebody might try again.”
“
@Anonymous: Not openly racist, but willing to enable racists? That’s a Plugger!
@Where’s Rocky?: No, Rex Morgan was about having a beard, Dr Jeff is about being continuously blue-balled by Mary. That’s the lore of the comment section
Hagar the Horrible Spanish to English.
GoComics has another list.
They want you to Gift Yourself With These 23 Comics About Holiday Shopping.
The punch line to the Over the Hedge comic was written by Baja Gaijin.
@Baja Gaijin: I thought it was salad. It looks awfully green for chili. However, maybe it’s been sitting under the warming lamp at the Barf Boat for a while, and that does look like a spoon in the bowl.
I thought it was the salad that Dawn ordered one of the times she was out and about, but I could be misremembering.
@Charterstoned:
MW: The Case of the Contagious Cook, cont.
——
FIFY
The Case of the Contagious Cook, cunt.
@I speak Jive: #90: You can also add interstate flight to Anndoryl’s charges, a federal offense. Maybe Cavelton did successfully secede from the Union. That would explain why the Cavelton CIA has their own prison and internal police powers while the real CIA doesn’t.
@I speak Jive: Could be chili verde. That’s an Arizona/New Mexico thing, but they have it in SoCal, I betcha.
(No, it’s clearly a salad. Dr. Jeff is now emasculating himself.)
MW: It’s impossible for me to read this and not think that Mary is just saying “ah-choo” in a profoundly unconvincing manner to give Jeff the brush-off.
Blondie-“I was thinking that we could stuff each other.”
Heath: It’s funny because the cats are all plotting to kill and devour that turkey, which is fully aware of this, while the pigs know that they’re safe … for now!
MW: I think pretty much everyone has predicted that the big reveal is going to be that they’ve secretly all rallied round to ensure Mary gets a Thanksgiving dinner after all (possibly while maintaining social distancing, or maybe Moy’s just going to forget about that part), but that doesn’t change the fact this is still presented as entirely normal behaviour when one of your alleged friends (or even your it’s-complicated) is sick!
Phantom: Protip: If you see a pub in London with a 17th century looking sign, Victorian sash windows, and a guy in a cloth cap and braces sweeping the step, it is absolutely a fake tourist trap. Diana is going to be sold a plastic Skull and Jaw snowglobe in about fifteen seconds.
Pluggers: Oh, no. I thought “It’s like Ronan from Sally Forth’s fursona!” and now I can’t unsee it.
Okay, so bald Pluggers still have fur. Non-bald Pluggers apparently have a full head of hair, plus perhaps a beard, over their fur. So what was the deal with the fur-only Plugger yesterday trying to decide if this was a shampoo week or not??
S4th: Okay. That’s it revealed. Now can we move on? I mean, I realise tomorrow we need to get Sally reacting to this, I reluctantly accept that that may actually take the rest of the week, but then can we move on?
@Guillermo el chiclero: Of course they have internal police powers. That’s why they’re called the Cavelton Interior Agency.
very good
MW. Jeff’s pick for the next karaoke event:
You Keep Me Hangin’ On by the Supremes.
Then he goes clubbing without her.
@Ukulele Ike:
the Scheisskopfs
Got the reference! And the meaning!
Is today’s Mary Worth actually set in the future (tomorrow) and did Mary wait until the last minute (tomorrow, Thanksgiving day itself) to tell Dr. Jeff that the meal is cancelled, sorry, you’re on your own? Sadly this is probably the setup, not for a strip tomorrow in which Mary passes away in her sleep, but one in which the other characters bring Thanksgiving to her, and all catch Covid as a result.
PHANTOM:. My gosh, what happened to Diana’s arm in panel one? It’s growing out of her chest! Mr. Manley, what did you mean to tell us?
And is it the friend or foe mark on shopkeeper? Guess either was, he’s turned it into a business opportunity.
@Charterstoned:
Brilliant, Charterstoned! Keep ’em comin’.
@The Rambling Otter: #44
Wow. What a great man. I would like to think that did actually happen. A real hero who defends children from harm.
*HUG*
Bizarro: Well, you can bet we sent them a strongly worded email yesterday about their use of our deceased former client! So they agreed to use a couple of our panel-ready, live Turkeys today for the Thanksgiving Eve spot. They were even willing to pay the special inflated holiday rate to atone for yesterday’s horror show. And they got a couple of premium Birds for their money! Great comic delivery of the “dumb Turkey” role….
What’s that, Intern? The cops are asking about those Doves who performed at Ed and Estelle’s wedding? I swear, they’re documented! And negative for Bird Flu! All our Avians meet USDA standards! As well as FAA, EPA, EEOC, and NSA…
MW – Dr. Jeff is going to run into Dr. Ed who will ask him “don’t you get bored working on just one species?” At which point Dr. Jeff will turn into a Robin Cook antagonist.
@Tabby Lavalamp: #50
Happy place, Tabby – go to your happy place!
CUE “ Soft Kitty”
Soft kitty,
Warm kitty,
Little ball of fur.
Happy kitty,
Sleepy kitty,
Purr Purr Purr
@Ukranazi Stepan: I don’t. That would mean a little girl suffered immensely
Shoe is mad because stork-man is using a toilet instead shitting, well, anywhere – like a proud bird should.
@Daisy: I’d rather it didn’t. For the girl’s sake
@Nobody: I understand your point, but I think I look at it like this: Horrible stuff like this happens. I don’t really know how much it happens, but I know it does. This story being true doesn’t really add to the amount of horrible stuff that happens; it’s just one example, and even if it didn’t happen there’s still other examples. It doesn’t even really add to my sense of how much it happens. What it does add to is the number of times it was stopped.
That’s how I see it, anyway.
@Baja Gaijin: Must be that “Cincinnati Chili”.
@Baja Gaijin: Mary Worth Mashups: What does Dr. Jeff do? Dr Jeff does Mary Dew™-the original ultra caffeinated salmon/lime soft drink.America’s favorite! Dew the Mary!
Random observations:
JP: “So, what’s a few murdered guys in the forest? If I’ve learned anything over the past month, it’s that rich white guys with political clout can get away with a lot of things they or their children did.”
GT: “So, you’re the woman who made Gil into a lazy layabout.”
MT: “So, Mark. Thanks for coming over from Skid Row and helping out poor Ernest. There’s a bottle in it for you.”
@Nobody:
-Girl being harmed by her pedophile father… horrible.
-Pedophile father getting his face bashed in by a figure that is a friend to all children… AWESOME.
MW: Seriously, Mary is scootched over almost as if she’s keeping to “her” side of the bed, leaving the other side ready for…”Darling”?? I’d like to know just exactly how long this has been going on! All this time Mary has been acting like a prude, and now it turns out that under the heavy blue throw and the purple polka dot pajamas, there’s a passionate woman with breasts and everything!! Wrinkled and sagging, sure, but still…!
Baja! See what you can do with pumpkin soup.
@The Rambling Otter: Snopes says it’s not true.
LUANN: It looks like Mrs. Horner really is going to dive into this Na/P/K/protein festival as if she had never heard of dialysis. Welp, your kidneys, your choice, Mrs. Horner. And after that Luann glurge you inflicted on readers yesterday, I am more willing to bid you farewell. Come to think of it, this may be part of the Evansii Grand Plan. What better holiday storyline than a Berenstain Bears sort of take on “Luann Cries Until Her Nose Is Red And Learns About Funerals.”
mw take care mary as like toby and dawn jeff secretly goes yes i am spared having to eat marys cooking though feeling guilty jeff stats to call in favors and next mary will wind up with thanksgiving dinner after all. luan thirteen years ago for those name tags time really is slow in the luann verse. at least she spared her family any of her cooking and interesting to not see bernice there at the table since she lives with luann
@Flipper:
To quote the brilliant George Will, “The information highway. LOL.”
@Inspector Gotcha:
Oops, I don’t want to be misconstrued. The Santa story is b.s. As is so much crap on sketchy websites.
Snopes is not a sketchy website.
@132 UncleJeff: I’ve seen Cincinnati Chili. That ain’t it.
@133 Garrison Skunk: I’ll have what you’ve had. Seems like some good shit.
@137 Sequitur: Oh boy! Tomorrow’s mashup is gonna be so not like the strip.
Me: *bursts blood vessel trying not to think of all the uses of the cloaca after reading Shoe*
Shouldn’t Jeff be sick as well? Last we saw, he was sucking face with Mary before leaving and then minutes later she was saying she felt bad as she planned her cheap-a** Priceco Thanksgiving meal.
@144 Rare Commenter: Ponder how the stuffing gets stuffed into a turkey. Is it through the turkey’s stuffing porthole…?
@Bob Tice: “My dear Mary…always thinking of otters!”
_____________________________________
Are your ears burning, Rambling?
@Bob Tice:
Why is Jeff wearing that garish plaid?– did he lose a bet?
__________________
I thought it was a bathrobe.
@Sequitur: Baja! See what you can do with pumpkin soup.
__________________________
Baja : This? Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl…or the slimy guts of an evil scary Thanksgiving Parade Clown!
@Garrison Skunk: I did notice it and stopped and wondered for a second, so yes :3
@Inspector Gotcha: I read the Santa story as an anecdote someone told on Reddit.
I don’t know if to say that Reddit is a sketchy website, I just thought it was something that they saw personally.
@137 Sequitur: I’ve got an idea about the pumpkin soup…I don’t think Mary’s gonna like it.
@149 Garrison Skunk: It’s not a hat or a broach or a pterodactyl or slimy guts…
@152 Baja Gaijin:
Might it have anything to do with Six Chix Bianca Xunise?
@153 Sequitur: Surprisingly no.
Now, a Bianca Xunise soup is a toothsome proposition. With barley and dried porcini mushrooms and some root vegetables.
@Ukulele Ike: Chix Filet?
@Baja Gaijin: #152: My Italian born mom once made pumpkin soup out of one of our Halloween pumpkins. She said it was a real common dish in Italy. My sister and I weren’t impressed. If you’ve seen the Frank Sinatra movie “Von Ryan’s Express” the Italian guards were feeding it to the Allied POWS.
@157 Guillermo el chiclero: I never saw pumpkin soup when I lived in Italy. I wasn’t really looking for it, to be honest.
@The Rambling Otter: #44:
“It’s not uncommon to hire big bearded bikers as mall Santas”
Thanks to an aging customer demographic most Harley owners are overweight graybeards so there’s quite a a talent pool to choose from.
@155 Ukulele Ike:
And you can take it to bed with you.
@160 Sequitur: I do not want to know what Tuesday’s Chix would do with “root vegetables.”
@161 Baja Gaijin:
I think the key word here is, “root”.
@Baja Gaijin: My sister Chatty Genes, former denizen of CC, used to make really good pumpkin soup. She first used pumpkin cultivars bred for cooking, and then she started using Kabocha squashes, aka Japanese pumpkins, which look like knobbly deep green pumpkins. “Kabocha has an exceptionally sweet flavor, even sweeter than butternut squash,” says one article. As I recall, her Kabocha soup was celestial.
@163 Poteet:
Celestial? Oh, you mean out of this world!
@163 Poteet: I remember Chatty Genes. I think we were in Tokyo together once.
JP: The reason why Ann Dorryl would be much, much more likely to be arrested if she returned to Cavelton instead of remaining elsewhere has nothing to do with jurisdiction; rather, it’s because outside of Cavelton and the surrounding area chances are nobody would recognize her as “the murder suspect, Ann Dorryl.” Now, if she got pulled over for speeding or something, was stupid enough to have her actual name on her license, and the officer ran her ID, the warrant for her arrest would come up, but if she took some pretty elementary steps it wouldn’t be hard for her to hide at all.
“Are you already tired of me, Mary?” asks Dr. Jeff, fingers crossed. Could this be it? Could he finally be free of this manipulative harpy, who haunts the lives of the residents of Charterstone like a restless spectre?
“Never!” she screeches, eyes wide with madness and obsession, “I’ll see you after I get over my cold! Do you understand Jeff?! I have authored your future, and it’s all about me, me, me!” Jeff hangs up the phone as a single tear rolls down his cheek, and he weighs a life with Mary against wandering off into the woods to be devoured by wolves.
Pluggers don’t question how a creature completely covered in fur can possibly grow hair or a beard, or what the differences are between those things in the first place, and you shouldn’t either.