Thanksgiving quickies
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Hagar the Horrible, 11/28/24
What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? Personally, I’m thankful to learn that, in the Hagarverse, the imported Near Eastern triune God coexists with even more ancient pagan deities. I just think it’s neat!
Hi and Lois, 11/28/24
I’m also thankful that nobody at my Thanksgiving dinner is going to blurt out “Hey, you know what would be cool? If you could go back in time and murder and eat a pilgrim. Just slice up their flesh and make sandwiches out of it!” People talk about dreading political arguments with their families but frankly I think this one would be an even bigger downer.
Mary Worth, 11/28/24
I’m not thankful that Mary’s friends remembered to Doordash her some Thanksgiving dinner before they all went out to live their best lives without her. We were so close to finishing her off for good! So close!
46 replies to “Thanksgiving quickies”
Mary Worth Mashups: Two completely different takes on Mary Worth’s Thanksgiving. Which do you like better?
MW:
“This must be from the French Room at the Adolphus Hotel! — you can get anything you want from Dallas’s restaurant!”
MW:
“…and Jeff sent Pumpkin Soup! There she is now! — but where are her bandmates Scary Soup, Sporty Soup, Baby Soup, Ginger Soup and Posh Soup?”
Hi and Lois-Uh, Hi, I don’t think we need to know about sexual kink of having sex while dressed as a Pilgrim.
Hagar the Horrible-“Why did we decide to raid England?”
FC-Billy, you know that you aren’t supposed to bring up your mother’s family.
MW-Mary doesn’t eat the food her friends made and instead gives it to the homeless shelter.
H&L:
“How about a little mood music through the sound system to accompany our holiday repast, Lois? — maybe ‘Meat Is Murder’ by the Smiths?”
DT: And we thought “Seasons change…” was bad. Thanks for telling us that time has passed, text box. No need to be specific, like if it’s that same night or two days and six years later or whatever. Anyway, now that it’s Easter of 2397 CE,
Juniora mysterious person with the same height and build as Junior and wearing Junior’s suit is looking over the technical documents detailing that electrical system Junior was assigned to repair. Who is this enigmatic individual? We may never know, but take close note of that ring. Presumably this indicates this shadowy figure’s association with an evil organization, because people who want to hide their criminal involvements do love their giveaway accessories and adornments, but maybe this particular nefarious cabal could have picked a better symbol than a spider version of the Batman logo.MW: In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’m going to give Karen Moy the benefit of the doubt and assume that Mary’s merciless and hilarious jabs at Dr. Jeff are deliberate.
Luann: Today’s baffling total character assassination in Luann: Frank DeGroot suddenly has no idea how to carve a turkey despite participating in half a century of Thanksgiving meals and countless other meat-slicing events. I would make a joke about how tomorrow Luann will be sarcastically mocking Bernice’s lazy approach to getting her homework done, but it appears the Evanses have completely forgotten that Bernice lives with the DeGroots now.
MW: “OH, how THOUGHTFUL of everyone!…And Jeff sent pumpkin soup! Let’s see what else! Some saltine crackers, a hair brush, hair gel, moisturizer, wrinkle cream, foundation, lipstick, and neck cream!
MW: There goes my bet in the dead pool.
HtH:
“Why does Brother Olaf always have such a scratchy throat, anyway, Hagar?”
“He’s got tonsuritis!”
MW: I like how Mary’s appearance in the first panel goes from bent, tired, wrinkly and sickly to vibrant, smoothed skin and lively eyes in the second panel. It is the realization that her plan has worked better than she had hoped, and now she can put away the facade! Free food and no annoying neighbors to entertain. Time to binge watch The Golden Girls, stuff her face, and plan her bout with a stomach bug for Christmas.
Missionaries in ninth century Scandinavia applied an innovative technique to convert the heathens: actually showing the power of God. Great tactic, why don’t they do it more often?
“We’ll have leftover for days”?!?! Chip, don’t you have any dignity?! Peter from “Foxtrot” or Jeremy from “Zits” would have sneered at the notion that they could not eat that turkey in one sitting! What’s the point of having a teenage character if you cannot even make the obvious jokes?!
Meanwhile, Thirsty and Irma next door are trying a liquid Thanksgiving dinner. It’s much quicker to prepare and if they pass out they cannot quarrel!
H&L: As is his yearly tradition, Hi struts around like a turkey and “gobbles” out his version of the lesser known Bing Crosby tune A Pilgrim Sandwich which is why the Flagstons have no other family over for dinner.
H&L: Luckily the rest of Hi’s family aren’t familiar with 50s gay slang, so they don’t know what “Gobbling a pilgrim sandwich means” or why Hi is going to sneak out of the house with three buckle hats later.
MW: “How thoughtful of everyone… and Jeff. Jeff can eat shit! Screw you and your pumpkin soup, Jeff!”
H&L: Please, Hi, there are children present! Keep your ribald euphemisms to yourself!
MW: Ah, the time-honored “Ring the Bell and Run Like Hell” Thanksgiving ritual.
FC: HTT Grandma has a jizz towel.
@Schroduck: I was thinking the same thing: Everyone but Jeff was thoughtful.
H&L have turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, and dinner rolls.
This day is all about the excess of food, which will be demonstrated in the bathroom later, as any roughage is only in tiny aromatics among the stuffing.
Evidently the uber-carnivore Hi is responsible for the lack of vegetables. “The only green at this table will be my shirt-and-sweater set!”
Happy Thanksgiving, one and all!
Family Circlejerk – Anyone have Dead Grandpa in the Resurrection Pool?
Mary Worth: Whelp, looks like Mary’s friends went to the minimum possible amount of trouble, and stopped by the local Chinese takeout to get some nice braised tofu and two big servings of rice for her to enjoy for Thanksgiving dinner. Meanwhile, Dr. Jeff picked her up a box of pumpkin soup from Trader Joe’s while he was choosing the right champagne to enjoy with a couple of nurses on his big, fast boat. A happy holiday for all, indeed!
FC – “Me too, Billy. Me too…oh, you said Granddad. I thought you said Old Grand-Dad..”
FC: Pretty cute. PJ points at ghost grandpa and thinks; “He’s right there you idiot!”
H&L:
Hi waited until the family was gathered around the table, until Lois had laid all the food out, the gravy steaming, and Lois enters with the pièce de résistance, a prize turkey with all the fixings. The perfect Thanksgiving dinner, created by Lois after backbreaking hours of work. Hi leaned back in his chair. “Boy, I can’t wait until I’m eating something else.” Leroy Lockhorn has nothing on this man.
MW – Good Lord, Mary has enough food there to feed a small army! Or one Wilbur, who I’m guessing did the ordering.
Hagar the Horrible – The more rational, secular world of the Enlightenment has brought us several wonders of science, but there is something missing when the world seemed to have many competing Gods willing to grant glorious favors, and equally terrible consequences.
Hi and Lois – We find out today that Hi’s family came from a strange branch of Anglicanism that despised the Pilgrim Puritanism, and would enact a ritualistic parody of communion to mock that sect’s struggles in the early colonial era, including the gleeful hope that the Pilgrims would either fall victim to cannibal tribes, or resort to the grim practice as a means to survive the harsh Little Ice Age era winters in New England.
While for the most part ecumenicalism and secular government has brought most Christian sects into harmony, troublesome relics of past bigotry remain in traditions that adherents like Hi have never really looked into the history of.
Mary Worth – Meanwhile, cult leader Mary Worth maintains her grip on the Charterstone
CommuneCondos, receiving offerings from her brainwashed adherents. It’ll take more than a cold to wrest her control.GT: I’m grateful that artist Rachel Merrill took the day off and didnt work too hard on the art. What’s that you say? She phones in in every single day?
MW: I’m grateful that June Bridgman didn’t work too hard on this holiday week. You can almost not tell it’s the same clip art over and over again.
RMMD: Terry Beatty is a modern-day Tolstoy!
RMMD 2: I’ve decided I’m going to write an entire album’s worth of country songs as Truck Tyler.
Crankshaft: Shitty old man ruins another holiday.
Happy Thanksgiving to all American citizens who choose to celebrate it and aren’t restricted in doing so by their governing elders.
I’m not American but today I’m thankful that Ditto noted that it’s a big bird because after the look on Hi’s face at the thought of cannibalism, I can believe that the beloved Muppets of Sesame Street are not off the menu.
Shoe again pushes the envelope of sentient birdness. Is “Peeling the turkey off the wall” a figure of speech because Thomas T. was upset with their political naivety, or did they roast & eat their old buddy?
MW: Just look at that last panel. Suddenly, no more Charterstone Crud. Mary’s scheme has worked to perfection. No weeping Wilbur hurling insults at Ed-stelle, no insufferable Ian sniffing about. Truly a happy Thanksgiving shall be hers.
HL- OK, not to be a killjoy, but Lois hasn’t carved the turkey nor removed the stuffing. Is this a subtle hint that Hi hasn’t done shit today and it’s time for him to do step up?
Mary Worth: Actually, the box of powdered pumpkin soup mix has a Post-It that says “Get Well Soon Toby & Ian,” to which was added with a ball point pen “+ Jeff.” But if Mary finds that comforting, who are we to judge?
MW: “Pumpkin soup! Maybe I should marry him…Nahhh.”
Blondie: In other news, police are still looking for whoever bludgeoned Mr Morelli, to death in his barber shop. Customers say he’d been telling everyone how exited he was to be having lasagna instead of turkey this Thanksgiving.
@Baja Gaijin:
Both mashups are, as always great. Kudos.
Dennis the Menace lords the fact that his grandfather is able to attend Thanksgiving over the Keane Kids who lament he could not be there. Very menacing.
Cookie Bumstead vlogging about vegetarian turkey? It’s a ruse, Dagwood, to keep you from discovering her OnlyFans account.
I think it’s less thoughtful to “surprise” a sick friend with food. Like they had to keep her guessing if she was going to get to eat today or more likely not find the strength to cook for herself, and then deliver food for about ten people due to lack of coordination? Maybe it’s a reflection of how Mary’s manipulative ways have twisted everyone in the neighborhood, and her face in the second panel is genuine happiness at being loved in the only way she really understands.
Can we juxtapose DtM and FC for a full on Schrodinger’s Grampa effect?
Interesting phrasing from Mary. Is she saying “everyone was thoughtful, especially Jeff” or “everyone was thoughtful, except Jeff”? Who said that syntax could not be fun — or at least passive-aggressive!
A Pilgrim sandwich is a sandwich that was banned from England, so it must be good food!
Mary has a bad cold, so she will spend Thanksgiving all alone, gorging on too much food and using Kleenex after Kleenex. Unfortunately, that’s also Wilbur’s Thanksgiving
@Joe Momma:
“Oh, look! Jeff has taken a page out of Dr. Wonderful Ed Harding’s book and has recorded an adaptation of an Eagles love song just for me! I’ll have to give it a listen!”
CLICK
“I like the way your schlocky earrings lay
Against your ski-in so drowned
And I want to bleep at you, in a sweatshirt tonight
With a million snarks all around
‘ ‘Cause I’ve got deceitful, queasy feelin’s
And I know you won’t let me clown
‘Cause I’m already rantin’ on the grounds
“And I found out a long ti-ime ago
What that woman can do to your troll
Aw, but she can’t take you a-anyplace
You don’t already know how to go
“And I got deceitful, queasy feelin’s
And I know you won’t let me clown
‘Cause I’m already rantin’ on the grounds
[bridge]
“I get the feelin’ I’ll abhor you
As a lover and a friend
This voice keeps blisterin’ in my smo-othered jeers
Tells me, I may never see you again
” ‘Cause I got deceitful, queasy feelin’s
And I know you won’t let me clown
‘Cause I’m already rantin’
I’m already rantin’
Yes, I’m a-already rantin’
On the grounds
“Mm mm mm, whoa oh oh oh
[outro]”
You might ask, why Hagar doesn’t have a Thanksgiving theme? But it has! It’s about the unstoppable wave of Christian-Roman-European civilisation based on monotheism, literacy, state formation and complex agriculture arriving in unconquered territories (whether Medieval Scandinavia or Early Modern America) and annihilating the culture and social organisations of the natives! Racism is actually very recent, but cultural imperialism does not distinguish between white Norsemen or Native Americans, it will swallow everything it meets!