I’m not convinced Rex is absolutely certain of his kids’ names, for what it’s worth
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Dennis the Menace, 2/3/26
OK, this is, no joke, some significant menacing here. First of all, this guy has never appeared in the strip before, so I assume Dennis is in the yard, unaccompanied by a parent or guardian, of an adult who is a total stranger to him. And check out that fence! That’s a serious fence this five-year-old kid scaled, presumably with pockets full of rocks, which he is now spookily skipping across a pool belonging to, as noted, someone he’s never met in his life. Kudos to you, Dennis, this time! You’re really freaking me out!
Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/3/26
Man, I love Rex’s grim expression here in panel two. It’s pretty clear that “Jimmy” is a mistake for Johnny and not Michael, but it’s very important that he know for certain whether this embarrassing failure of an appendix to maintain structural integrity happened inside the torso of his biological son or his adopted son, so he can start figuring out whose genes to blame.
Herb and Jamaal, 2/3/26
Normally, actually prestigious restaurant awards are driven by their own institutional investigation and decision making processes — you don’t send in an “application” that gets “declined” or anything, you just wake up one day and find out that they gave the award to your hated rival. Still, I’d like to believe that the Michelin Guide made an exception for Herb and Jamaal and sent them a personal note in the mail telling them to eat shit.
181 replies to “I’m not convinced Rex is absolutely certain of his kids’ names, for what it’s worth”
Most menacing at all is that Dennis is using hitherto-unknown psionic powers to keep the rocks afloat on the surface of the pool. That is like Magneto-level menacing.
Wary Morth:
Please make literally anything happen! Let aliens land on Toby’s car’s bonnet. Let the plate licker and Trashlee hijack the car as a getaway vehicle. Let Weelbur, chased by Bella, armed with a ladle, and Fabiana, armed with a paternity suit, run in front of the car and get run over. Let a flock of parrots attack the car to force Toby to release Sunny and Rosie. Let something happen, dammit.
Wrecks Moregone:
“No, I mean Jimmy. Johnny? Is *that* what they told you his name is?”
Questionable Discontent:
Remember Skullmaster, Master of Skulls, who used to play with snakes?
I miss Skullmaster, Master of Skulls, who used to play with snakes.
RMMD: The amount of contempt on Rex’s face as he corrects Tildy is off the charts. I wouldn’t blame her for telling him to take an Uber.
H&J: There’s a plague of fake awards that prey on small businesses, offering them supposedly prestigious awards (sometimes with similar names to real awards and guides) but charging a long list of hidden fees for certificates, press releases, logo use and so on. Anyway, looks like Soul Food diner was too bad even for them.
Rex Morgan MD: What’s up with Tildy’s eyes? Is she on cocaine? Or did she just sniff too much “pixie stick powder” and then have a “sugar rush”?
Herb and Jamaal: “Michelin Guide”? Well, la-di-da! Try “Yelp.”
RMMD: “Jimmy, Johnny, whoever. Just get in the damn car. You’re keeping me from my shows.”
SF: Are we going to have to go through a tedious “Ghost of Everyone Who Ever Died in the Cabin” plot?
“June asked me to drive you to the hospital. If we make it in time, you will be able to do the operation yourself and save a lot of money”
“But I have only one eye!”
“Yes, but you have two sons, so a spare anyway”
“That’s fair”
DtM: So that’s what Andy Capp looks like with his hat off.
“Self-actualisation by buying yourself trophies”: Herb’s guide to happiness under late capitalism
DtM I dunno, dude: looking at the rocks that have been ‘skipped’ already, I’d say that pool is all of six inches deep. Is there really another purpose for it?
RMMD Rex’s expression in thst second panel looks less like concern than one of a villain in a western learning that the hero survived that explosion at the mine.
H&J Uh, guys? That wasn’t a restaurant prize, it was a bamk loan rejection…
Curtis: “Eeeeewwww! Curtis sure is a creepy stalker!”
Also:
“Ha ha ha ha! Curtis has a creepy stalker!”
RMMD: Is Aunt Tildy wearing rimless hexagonal glasses, or did they just leave an impression on her face?
The soul-crushing final scene of the Sundial Films release, “Jamaal Dreams of Gumbo.”
Luann: You see, this is what happens when you don’t assert yourself and walk out of a clearly useless and insulting class, which I told you to do yesterday. Now, get up, walk out, and go straight to administration to file a complaint against Ms. Fogarty for violating your privacy. Which Tara and Les should be urging you to do, not looking at you judgily. And Fogarty’s suggestion that Luann ever overcame anything in her life is another jewel in her crown of incompetence.
CS: Was Tom Batiuk thinking of a “Nigerian scam” (which is a well-known name for something, though it’s more proper to call it 419 Fraud or Advance Fee Fraud) and tried to remove its racial component? Because “Russian hacker” is just an ethnic slur. There’s zero reason to point out anyone’s nationality in this stupid joke, and “Russian hacker” hasn’t been taken seriously as a villain archetype for at least 20 years. The correct answer is obviously “I am not a Skrull”, because you have to be a comic book addict to even know what that means. (Which would actually be a good CAPTCHA test for the Funkyverse.)
H & J – This makes me wonder if Ed Kudlick got a rejection letter to get a World’s Best Dad mug and had to make his own.
Rex is thinking something that has never been thought in the history of humankind: “I wish they would have called Buck”
In high school, a prick named Andrew Ostenzeski (or some such thing) taught industrial relations, and I had him for a pottery class. Now, I’m no Fawn Lebowitz, and I got a D in the class, which everyone knew because said prick announced to everyone that, “The only person in the class getting a D is Scrotum.” There were a few teachers from that school I hope have died or are dying a slow and painful death. We had some real pricks.
DtM: If Mr. Turtleneck and Loafers Pool Owner is upset about Dennis skipping rocks, just wait until he peers in more closely and sees Mr. Wilson anchored at the bottom of the pool.
They say it is good character design if you can recognise them by the silhouette. I can recognise Jamaal, but I defy — defy! — anyone calling that good!
Dennis the Head Floating Above His Shoulders Menace works for me.
Is “Herb & Jamaal” sneaking a contemporary political dig in on us? If so, everything I’ve ever believed is a lie.
Why is the neighbour keeping the pool full in the middle of winter? That water could have been used to grow almonds or power AI!
H&J: Herb got the coveted FIFA Food Prize.
MW – I think I’ve died and gone to hell. Every day for eternity, I must read Mary Worth, and every day, endlessly and without variation, the strip ends with two parrots speaking Spanish to each other. I probably deserve it.
Also Dennis the Menace: Who leaves a pool uncovered in the dead of winter anyway, when you’re wearing a heavy sweater, the kid’s got a jacket, and all the leaves are off the trees? Unless…is that a heated pool? For the swinger parties you host? It’s for the swingers, isn’t it, and the real menace is the five-year-old exacting biblical justice on their sins.
Rex Morgan, M.D.: “Johnny, you mean? If I’ve told that little shit once, I’ve told him a thousand times: keep your appendix in line, Mister! Does he listen to me? No.”
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: In my experience, teachers holding up students for public humiliation about confidential matters had ended by the time I went to college. Which was 35 years ago.
Before that, I went to a Christian elementary school that absolutely LOVED doing this kind of thing. I transferred to a public middle school, which was supposed to be a harsher environment. But I found it much more pleasant, because there were lines the adults had the good taste not to cross. And they left you alone if they didn’t have a valid reason to be in your business.
RMMD:
Terry Beatty’s wife Erika posted on Terry’s FB page around midnight this morning (EST) that his Monday surgery had been a success; that his doctor was happy; and that Terry would be monitored in ICU for a couple of days (which I understand to be SOP for the type of operation I believe he had.) This is super, super news. Godspeed to him for a quick and full recovery.
The true menace is the neighbor leaving his pool uncovered with a fence a five-year-old can scale. His home insurance company is about to drone strike him.
@MKay: I’m guessing it’ll be a tedious ‘Ralph injures himself in the first five minutes* and bitches about how no one will believe him that he actually could ski’ plot.
*Probably at Ted’s incompetent hands.
In the age of Trump, “if people don’t give you an award, make one up and give it to yourself” almost feels like political commentary.
@The: Dangit, that was me. Hit the wrong key…
DtM:”But I appreciate the weather. It’s the start of February and this is awfully pleasant.”
Crankshaft: Check one? So he’s all of the others, it says.
Someone tell Batiuk how websites work, just a little bit.
DtM:
“Well, they say that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones — but I don’t live in a glass house!”
Guys, does Rex want to get ants in his eyes? Because he’s using a Ritz cracker as an eyepatch, and that’s definitely how you get ants in your eyes!
DtM: “Look, kid. I know my fence doesn’t meet zoning laws and I routinely leave the gate open but you’re not supposed to be here either. Why don’t you take this twenty, get outta here and we both forget about it.”
@Bob Tice: Thanks for the news, Bob. Best wishes to Beatty for his recovery.
RMMD:
“Appendicitis? Which of the boys?”
“Not sure, Rexy! — but Sarah made up a song about it!”
“Really? How does it go?”
” ‘When he was just a little boy
I asked my father, “What’s an IV?”
Will he feel crappy?
Will he be stitched?
Here’s what he said to me:
” ‘Hey, Sarah, Sarah
Whatever will be, will be
The suture’s not ours to see
Hey, Sarah, Sarah….’ ”
@Pozzo: Herb is holding the FIFA Food Prize.
(He’s waiting for the restaurant owner next door to give him his James Beard Award which Herb believes he deserves. That arson threat was just a little joke between friends)
Whoops. Sorry Future Ghost @ 25.
Dennis’ black leather jacket is a great menacing touch. Anyway, dude should be happy it wasn’t Joey who jumped the fence because… OH NO! This isn’t menacing at all! Dennis is just teaching this man that he needs to get a better fence because there are children who wander about freely in this neighbourhood and this time he just needs to clean out some rocks instead of facing a greater tragedy! This is Dennis the Future HOA President! Oh. Right. Maybe it’s menacing after all.
Rex Morgan – Of course Tildy’s confused. Your kids should by all rights be named Carter and Mason, or Hunter and Liam, or something a little more of the time. Sure, James, John, and Michael are all classics, but we are in our Braden, Jaden, Caden era.
Sarah gets to be Sarah, I guess – but wouldn’t she make a charming Nevaeh or Brooklyn?
Phantom: “BOK!”? Is this a backdoor pilot for a Defenders of the Earth strip, at long last?
RxMD: That’s not “Aunt” Tildy! That’s Kryten from Red Dwarf wearing a wig! Watch out, Rex! This means Lister and Cat can’t be far behind, probably enacting some money-making scheme that involves whisking you away 3 million years into the future where you will go toe-to-toe against Rimmer in a pissy-face-off.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: The only class I walked out of was an introductory Spanish class at a major land grant university.
I needed to take it because we didn’t have any foreign language classes at my tiny high school.
I was late and immediately saw the room was packed with about 50 students.
The teacher was calling roll: Rodriguez…Rojas….Gonzalez….Garcia.
I looked at the Hispanic student next to me and said “you’ve gotta be kidding me.”
He said “Hey, man. I was born in Austin, Minnesota. I don’t speak Spanish.”
I left and enrolled in French classes.
Merde.
DtM:
“See this rock I’m brandishing and ready to throw, Mister? It epitomizes feelings of alienation, anomie and despair among disaffected youth like myself — a sense of dysfunction and of being deracine, cast adrift from familial moorings.”
“No. Don’t say it, kid.”
“Yep. ‘Pebble without a Cause‘ !”
OK, Rex, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but a black eyepatch makes you look like Sam Jackson playing Nick Fury, while a white eyepatch makes you look like a Nazi spy trying to accessorize his white linen tropical suit. And honestly, you can’t pull off either look.
Six Chix-At least the bus showed up. We’re still waiting for a joke.
RMMD-“The son that isn’t your real son.” “Could you be more specific?”
Blondie-Good on Blondie. After spending all day running her restaurant and catering for everyone who wants some off the wall themed party why is Blondie expected to come home and cook for Dagwood.
DtM: Dennis runs out of rocks and in a rage throws his neighbor into the pool —after first breaking his neck.
Dennis the (Marvel Comics) Menace
If the fence around your pool can’t keep out wandering 5 year olds, you are exposing yourself to an incredible amount of liability. This is the real menace. I expect the next move is for Margaret and Gina to come over and shake down the neighbor for “insurance” money. Would be a shame if some kid drowned in your pool…
So, courtesy of the LA Times, I think I know what the ultimate payoff of the Mary Worth storyline will be: Border inspector finds protected birds in man’s pants. Here’s how he tried to explain it.
Wilbur. It was Wilbur all along.
H&J: Man, when the local printing company won’t even take your “4.1 stars on Yelp!” decal order…
RMMD: I’ll believe Rex knows his sons’ names, but I’d bet good money he doesn’t remember which one is which. Hell, I can’t be bothered to remember, and I’m pretty sure I pay closer attention to his family than he does.
Jamal picks up Herb’s World’s Greatest Dad cup. “Hey, wait a minute. This is a red solo inked with a sharpie.”
Well, at least Jamaal still has the award for Best Sex Sandwich from the Sandwich Sex Society, (Dagwood Bumstead and Depressed Chick, presidents).
MW: It might be interesting if Ian started teaching the parrots to curse in Gaelic.
@Ukranazi Stepan:
Okay, so, with a quick search, I think what you’re trying to say is “Remember when this character, Sam from Questionable Content, used to express her desire to be grim and dark and edgy through pretending to be this gleeful, energetic, over-the-top cartoon supervillain, instead of just being a generic, mopey brooding goth”?
…
Since you know Questionable Content better than I do, can you answer me this; isn’t Emmett’s running gag that they’re always sharing bizarre anecdotes of them having done insanely dangerous and illegal things? And if so, do those stories usually end with Emmett getting punished? Because if yes to both, what is Sam crying about? Emmett’s been blowing up their hometown with stolen construction site dynamite, getting suspended over fighting a bully is not an escalation that would lead to believe you’ve been a “bad influence” on that kind of person!
DtM: “Okay, this is, no joke.”
Clear as day!
The Familliar Mucus: “No, Dolly! Those inhuman grunts and groans are coming from Mommy’s Secret Sex Room.”
BCN: Uh-oh, I’m starting to have traumatic flashbacks from our teacher reading Charlotte’s Web to us in first grade…
C’shaft: So….you can only access this website if you’re exactly three out of four of the listed options?
Dustin: I’d say Dustdad is eating his feelings, but really, what feelings?
GT: So Gil got a good deal on his kid’s car by agreeing to appear in one of Foxy’s commercials? Heavy is the head that wears the Most Important Man in Milford and Greatest Coach Alive crown indeed.
JP: Oh please, Katherine, Alan has been in an alcoholic stupor since the Obama administration. His children’s drama has nothing to do with it.
Luann: I don’t think Luann is the success story you’re making her out to be.
MT: My dad often said that the thing he loved about Disney parks was that a full-grown man could walk around wearing a baseball cap shaped to look like Goofy and nobody would bat an eye. Despite Jules’ insistence, the same is not true of Las Vegas and rhinestone cowboy hats. Hell, nobody can wear a rhinestone cowboy hat anywhere without looking stupid.
MW: Those damn birds have been more romantic towards each other in the past two weeks than Ian and Toby have been since their honeymoon.
Pluggers were never hip, don’t lie to us.
@Dmsilev: For years people have debated whether the Goblin King’s package in Labyrinth is stuffing or 100% pure David Bowie. I think I just found my new favorite alternative explanation.
Dennis the Menace-I would be more worried about the body Dennis dumped into your pool.
MW-Every strip must end with the final panel being the two parrots.
@TheDiva: The only “Hip-ness” that involves Pluggers are the surgical replacements they get every few years.
RMMD:
“Appendicitis? Which of the boys?”
“Well, I know that your boys Appendicitis and Peritonitis founded Rome, but I forget now which of the two of ’em just got sick.”
Tired: Skipping stones on the surface of a neighbor’s pool.
Wired: Adding that Costco 40lb box of Jell-o™to bounce stones on the surface of a neighbor’s pool.
@Bob Tice: Also they were said to be raised by wolves, which checks out with how little Rex gives a s***
@UncleJeff: I never walked out of a class, but I did drop one after one session. One summer I was at a junior college to clear out some general studies, one of which was American history. The teacher was… someone I wanted to get as far away from, as quickly as possible.
He was basically cosplaying Sam Kinison in Back To School, while giving off smug, condescending, not-as-smart-as-he-thinks-he-is vibes like Raymond Reddington in The Blacklist. The harder he tried to prove he was really a nice guy, the more off-putting he became. At one point, a student asked a reasonable question about exams; he responded “all essays!” sadistically, as if this would scare college students.
The weird thing was, that was actually what I wanted! I’m bad at memorizing facts, but I’m good at writing essays, and everyone had to take writing classes anyway. So I would have loved a history class that was more or less a writing class. Not from this guy, though. My reaction to “all essays!” was “if I’m the kind of person you’re trying to weed INTO this class, then I doubly don’t want to be here.” Because this whole performance seemed designed to scare this bunch of freshmen and sophomores, for no apparent reason.
The Sam Kinison thing was an act, but the more he pretended to be that character, the more he revealed he really was that character. I didn’t stick around to find out any more.
The Familliar Mucus: “No, Dolly! Those inhuman grunts and groans are coming from Mommy’s Secret Sex Room.” “Come to think of it, P.J.’s farm animals may INDEED be down there.”
Luann: Quick, Luann, report Mrs. Fogarty to school management.
Dustin: Another thing, Ed. Thurber said he wants someone else handling his case, not that fat, incompetent tub of lard.
Dennis – With that long, skinny shape, it must be a lap pool. Next time, Dennis, bring Ruff along for a swim and tell the irate homeowner you wanted Ruff to be a “lap dog.”
@Banana Jr. 6000:
I didn’t know you *could* walk out of class. I had a French prof in college who was a complete a-hole. In fact, his last name was Assaf. He was Egyptian, and was contemptuous of female students. It was a small class filled with about a dozen of us who needed it for our minor. He tried to get us to move to his class earlier in the day, and we were all like, “Nope, we’re here because we have another class for our major during your earlier section, please piss up a rope.”
He was nasty to all of us. There were enough students in there that he was required to teach it, and he was mad about it. I was pretty mouthy, so he didn’t much like me. I got a B and gave him a terrible eval.
I can tell you in great detail what I learned in every French class I took in college but his. I have completely blanked on it.
Beat up Bailey: “Its terrible when the Government be throwing out a perfectly good white Killbot!”
Don Abundio, translated:
“Oh! It’s starting to rain!”
“Quick! Everyone grab whatever you brought to the picnic!”
FC: I had to zoom way in to see the tiny farm animals in the vent cover. PJ didn’t swallow them after all!
When you add this comic to DtM, it’s a busy day for child protective services
Ruminations on today’s Crankshaft :
This kind of question should really read “check all boxes that apply” rather than “please check one”.
Though the “this is a required field and you cannot progress until you’ve answered this question” error message doesn’t tend to be used for the “I am not a robot” step, I think? I usually come across it being a completely separate step that outright prevents you from even ATTEMPTING to progress until you’ve resolved it.
The usual “this is a required field and you must fill it. Please check one” is usually the “I’ve read the terms of service and agree to them” and “Please send me your newsletter all the time” step.
….
One of the “joke” options should have been “I am not two kids in a trenchcoat”. It would have been funny because Jeff is okay on the letter of that directive (he is definitely a single person, not wearing a trenchcoat), but not in spirit (he is definitely a child masquerading as an adult)!
H&J:
I don’t know what is more embarrassing, creating your own award for your crappy business. Or actually getting a written rejection when attempting to beg for a real one.
We also got turned down for a health inspection certificate. (pasting a printed-out A rating up over the legally mandated F) But, as Herb says,
@Anonymous: Tom Batiuk has long forgotten how a joke works. For one thing, it has to have some basis in reality. “Check here if you are not a robot” is common. “Check here if you are an AI” makes no sense, because websites don’t screen for AI entities visiting them; they’re more likely to force AI slop on you without your consent or knowledge. And “not a robot” covers the same ground. “Russian hacker” is an unnecessary ethnic slur, and is a Dead Horse Trope on top of that. “I am a Skrull” is some damned comic book crap that has nothing to do with anything.
9CL: I am soooo sorry… why would the guy (Guy) the one twin found in the park and married a couple of days ago know anything at all about the other twin’s “part”?
Crankshaft-“I am not funny.”
@The Rambling Otter: @Bob Tice: Also they were said to be raised by wolves, which checks out with how little Rex gives a s***
_________________________________
To be fair, Rex DID hire Wanda and Wally Wolf from “Suburban Fairy Tales” to raise the kids. That cost a pretty penny!
RMMD-“You have a kid named Johnny? How many kids do you have?”
RMMD- Rx-“Which one is it?” Tildy ‘The one having terrible abdominal pain.” Rx-“Dammit, what’s his name?” Tildy-“Hell, I dunno, they’re your kids.Jimmy, Jonah..” Rx-” You mean Johnny?” Tildy-“Yeah that’s it, Johnny! The blond one that looks about my age!”
@Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women: Herb and Jamaal: “Michelin Guide”?
___________________________________
“That explains why everything tastes like a tyre!”- Andy Capp.
DtM: Not only is this pool surrounded by a heavy fence, it seems to have been constructed in a second-floor deck, which is far more difficult and expensive than just digging in your backyard. In fact, Dennis must have accessed it by breaking into the guy’s house, sneaking up the stairs, and exiting through the sliding-glass door, all without alerting any members of the family. If we’re wondering how he did it, just get a load of how his black jacket — this is “Dark Dennis,” a lesser-known spinoff character who’s only beginning to discover the limits of his evil powers.
@Bob Tice: #40 RMMD- When Johnny was just a little boy, standin’ to Rex Morgan’s knee, his daddy said “Son, someday they’re gonna give ya an appendectomy! And they’ll stitch ya boy!” Rex with one eye oh!….Rex with one eye oh!…
@Ukranazi Stepan: Be cafeful what you wish for.
@Anonymous:
“My pappy said, ‘Son, you’re gonna jive me — a Morgan — if you don’t stop biding that outworn organ!’ “
Luanne: Just report her to School Management already.
When his award “application” was declined, Herb obviously went to FIFA. They always come through!
DT: Oh, that’s right, they somehow managed to fit all this nonsense into one night.
DtM: There’s a running gag in the Discworld books about Bloody Stupid Johnson, the multiverse’s worst landcape gardener. One of his creations was a trout pond so narrow that a man with an equally narrow net needs to scoop the single trout out when it reaches the end and face it the other way, because it’s impossible for it to turn. Of course, unlike the trout, this guy can climb out by himself when he reaches the end of his “swimming pool”, so I suppose it’s not quite as impractical.
OTF: Okay, so after a websearch, it turns out that there is one (1) YouTube video that uses the phrase “credit vampire” to mean someone who steals the credit for others’ ideas, which yes, describes Phinster. Even after learning this, I have a couple of problems with this strip.
1) People who are sucessful at stealing credit generally don’t advertise the fact. Stealing the credit relies on people not thinking you’re someone who steals the credit, and instead believing you actually deserve the credit. Using a “credit vampire” as your avatar is kind of a bad idea when it comes to creating that impression!
2) The term is obscure enough that, if I were Dethany, I’d probably think Fi was asking “I’m looking at Phinster’s online avatar and it’s a ‘credit vampire’, what is that?” Even if she wasn’t, just saying “Phinster’s online avatar” isn’t actually answering the question, as evidenced by the fact I had to look up the actual answer after reading the strip! And, unlike Fi, I had the “advantage” of the incredibly clear visual metaphor showing Phinster, um, drinking the blood of a laptop, which obviously represents him draining the credit from the other participants in the Zoom meeting!
RMMD: I’m pretty sure Rex remembers Johnny is the name of the adopted one. Well, actually, I’m pretty sure Rex has seared on his brain forever the moment when he smugly explained that Johnny’s bio-dad had obviously named him after John Carter, Warlord of Mars and bio-mom said nope. It was kind of like he was wrong about something!
S4th: Wow, those must be some ultra-short skis – I heard this was a new thing to help people get going on skiing but nothing on the roof racks. How shorts are those ? 2-2.5 feet?
DT: And our Master Assassin leaves a watch with powder residue. Please let this be an imposter for the real Mirror.
GT: Is this an example of quid pro quote – Fox wants to quote GT in his ads? Do high school coaches do ads? College coaches sure but high school?
JP: Anne – excellent form! Nice aggressive classic arms akimbo stance. Just need to stick your neck out more for the full effect and put more of screech into your voice.
Phantom: BOK ?!? not BONK?? How are they going to get the gemstones with this guy unconscious and soon to be dead from a subdural hematoma.
Good gun safety lesson here as Patrol person Han reminds everyone not to point the gun at anything you don’t want to shoot and kill
@Dan: Seriously, a sign on a restaurant in one of the towns I’ve lived in read “HEALTH DEPARTMENT UNFAIR!! I’M STILL OPEN!!”
Apparently had the same die-hard clientele as H&J. And I do mean “Die”.
Dennis the Menace – WIth the right cinematography and mood lighting, Dennis skipping rocks in a stranger’s pool could be a creepy scene in some A24 psychological thriller.
Rex Morgan, MD – Rex isn’t mad at Tilly, he’s just been battle-scarred by insurance companies who use any small typo on forms to deny reimbursement for care given.
Herb and Jamaal – Herb and Jamaal have C-level food, and a B grade from the local health department. You don’t make the Dean List (or Michelin star) with those efforts.
@Banana Jr. 6000: LUANN: And Fogarty’s suggestion that Luann ever overcame anything in her life is another jewel in her crown of incompetence.
Luann overcame her “boy-craziness” but only because Greg finally realized that while it was all well and good for 13-year-old Luann to be obsessed with guys, an 18-year-old who’s that obsessed with guys has sex with guys (especially the guy she’s about to take a romantic vacation alone with), and lord knows that could never be allowed to happen. So her boyfriend got booted out of the strip and her libido dialed down to almost nothing.
@WesC: Congrats, you have officially put more thought into this than Brooke did.
FC: “I found PJ’s missing farm animals! Now we’re this much closer to finding PJ.”
It was my experience that most hospitality industry awards were just grift. That restaurant named “Best new fast casual”? Yeah, the ad exec at the local weekly sold it.
@Bryan: 18-year-old Luann still acts like boy-crazy 13-year-old Luann, except that she’s been browbeaten by everyone around her to fastidiously avoid anything that hints of actual love or sex. It’s almost an act.
DT: This Howie Noel guest artist guy is certainly taking liberties with Lizz and Lee. I’m surprised he didn’t give Sam a Mexican sombrero.
JP: Whoever’s covering for Manley has been harking to our “which is which?” plaints, as Ann gets longer and curlier and brunetter and Katherine gets shorter and straighter and redheadier.
@Ukulele Ike: #100: re-DT: Actually, Noel’s rendition of Lizz looks more like Chester Gould’s original interpretation.
@15 Uncle Lumpy: I got the reference!
@Liam: Crankshaft-“I am not funny.”
___________________________
Non funniness is the number one requirement to be hired by Flunky Films™Inc.,and was the reason John Darling and Holtron, the School Computer were let go…Too darn funny!
@Philip:
*long shot of peaceful suburban neighborhood, slowly zooming in, creepy music box starts playing*
*cut suburban kitchen, old-fashioned (1970s) decor, an older woman in an apron [Frances McDermott] bustles nervously around the kitchen, starts to take a steaming tray of cookies from the oven*
*child’s sing-song voice* “Mister Wil-son!” *screen door slams*
*POV of a child riding a tricycle furiously through the kitchen toward the woman, who is still halfway in the over*
*cut to black … sound of collision and a woman screaming “DENNIS!”*
red letters bleed across the screen: M E N A C E
Fall 2026
Dustdad – For some reason the Thurber case reminds me of the Penske file assigned to George Costanza.
@MKay: The Ghost Who Sallies Forth?
And on that note, I was once on a national board and was given a top secret file (it really said that and had a wrong tab and everything) at my first meeting. It regarded a guy named Case who was suing the organization. I was so excited to get the Case case.
@Guillermo el chiclero: Gould would have marched Lizz straight back to her room and made her change those pants.
I certainly understand all the residual hatred the public feels towards Dilbert, due to his creator’s expressed distasteful views,but did he REALLY deserve being beheaded and having a BEST FOOD EVER sign bolted over his face? Yes,yes he did. Good for you,Herb!
Dustin: I expect the case will go well. Plaintiff supposes the high-water mark of his youth in Columbus, Ohio, was the night the bed fell on his father.
@GarrisonSkunk: Phew! For a moment there I though he had decapitated Bart Simpson!
Peanuts Begins – Give it a rest, Charlie Brown. There’s only so many times Violet can stand to listen to “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”
RMMD: Maybe they are going for a ‘Basil St. John’ look with Doc Morgan.
If so, then Terry Beatty can do something about June’s hairdo and make her look something like ‘Brenda Starr’.
But seriously, that’s good news about Beatty’s operation. Here’s hoping for a good convalescence.
@Ukulele Ike: Ah. A fellow Thurber fan.
Yesterday, I was listening to Keith Olbermann read Thurber’s “The Macbeth Murders Case” on his podcast.
@Charterstone: Dune: Brilliant!
As others have pointed out, Dennis’ nameless neighbor has left his pool uncovered and full of water in the middle of winter, and has either a gate that can be opened or a fence that can be scaled by a kindergartener. This isn’t incompetence, it’s deliberate. He wanted to see Dennis lifeless and facedown in the pool. That’s why he’s so upset – it has nothing to do with the rocks and everything to do with being out-menaced.
@Charterstone: Dune: I once saw a spoof horror movie trailer for the original Mary Poppins, taking scenes from the movie completely out of context.
It was entertaining but I could no longer find it, I think because Disney…
Herb and Jamaal: I’m probably the only one to ask this, but could the artist please stop casting the characters in complete shadow when in the background? It’s creepy as **** and looks like the beginning of a slasher movie.
@Banana Jr. 6000: LUANN: 18-year-old Luann still acts like boy-crazy 13-year-old Luann, except that she’s been browbeaten by everyone around her to fastidiously avoid anything that hints of actual love or sex. It’s almost an act.
Let’s not blame this on the people around her; if anything she’s the problem. It’s been theorized that Bernice’s issues with sex are from seeing how much Luann slut-shamed Tiffany over the years and not wanting to be subjected to the same treatment.
Otherwise I agree though. TV Tropes’s entry on the strip puts it pretty well (so well I wish I’d written it myself): “Emotionally, Luann is still basically a 1950s “boy crazy” 12-year-old who spends all her waking time obsessed with the abstract idea of making every male she meets into her boyfriend, but rarely dates and never would even consider having sex. Juxtaposing this with some of the other characters in the strip being realistic 21st-century adults has made her character even more jarringly weird than it was before.”
Herb and Jamaal: Hey, that’s the just-inaugurated FIFA Best Restaurant Award. Almost as prestigious as my FIFA Peace Prize.
I don’t mean to be rude, Herb, but maybe if you spent less time making awards for yourself and more time actually cooking food, you might get customers for the first time in years.
Think THAT’S menacing? Wait ’til this pool falls to the Visigoths!
@Bryan: ,#119: Well put but they should have added a boy crazy 1950s 12 year old who fantasizes about what being a teenager is like based on old sitcoms and Archie comics from the same era.
The sad thing is, the “award” was for “Shit Apparently Nobody Buys/Eats.”
DtM: It’s early February in what’s always been understood to be Seattle, Washington. Why’s bro still got his pool filled and open? Never mind why he’s wearing Oxfords around it.
RMMD: To the hospital? I assumed that June was calling someone to drive Rex home. But apparently no, he’s got one eye and he’s a little doped up, but they’ll have to post an armed guard to keep him out of the OR.
Another satisfied customer of the George Wilson pool Installation Company!
9CL: Maybe you’re sweating because your excessively tight turtleneck makes you look like a tube of toothpaste. Or because you exist to deliver Brook’s lame single entendres. Probably a bit of both.
C-Shaft: Bad luck for Jeff that the fifth statement in this expanded CAPTCHA test is “I am not a nonentity in a strip about my father-in-law’s foibles.”
Dustin: Dustdad stress eats after being outmaneuvered in court by Walter Mitty.
GT: Foxy celebrates his latest sales triumph by feeling around for Gil’s bra strap. Force of habit, you understand.
JP: Yes, Ann. He was so shocked to see you that he hopped in a time machine, went back a year, and kept pounding scotch until he’d re-arrived in the present.
MW: Ian and Toby leave the TV on all day, set to Univision so the birds can sing along with stuff. It’s a good test of the thickness of Charterstone’s walls.
Phantom: The Bookkeeper had two people holding him down, wasn’t really struggling to begin with, and The Chef runs up to drive the butt of a rifle into his head, likely as not killing him. Not quite as noble as it’s probably going to sound when Stripey puts this mess in the Chronicles.
6C: When your welcome mat reads “BOOR!” I guess you’re making some assumptions about your visitors.
RMMD – It’s great that Tildy is there to ensure that Rex doesn’t drive himself to the hospital!
@Bob Tice: My old Pappy always told me your fate is in your hand,stand pat or draw its yours to choose/Luck don’t have a thing to do with how you play the game/Maverick didn’t come here to lose.(Theme to “Bret Maverick”)
Rex Morgan – Wow, Aunt Tildy in that last panel. That’s Gil Thorp levels of repulsive ugliness.
FC – @Millie: You beat me to it. PJ appears to be under two years old, and he’s playing with small toys that he could put in his mouth and choke on. Protective Services should test Thel’s blood alcohol level.
JP – I’ve been following JP for more than a decade, and no one mentioned Ann until she showed up a few “story” arcs ago. Now we’re supposed to believe that Alan is drinking all waking hours because he’s so worried about her. Sure.
I would wish for one of the mobsters she grifted money from to appear, but it would be another crappy crime caper, which is just one step below the usual Judge Parker half assed spy bullcrap.
Mary Worth – I seriously can’t take much more of this. Bring on Wilbur with guest stars Harry Dinkle and Buck Wise. Anything but those annoying fucking parrots.
9CL – When do we find out that Gee is a world class musician?
Late Thread Cuisine: Can you believe it took more than 6 hours for it to look like that?
@Bob Tice: That’s good news. Wishing him a full recovery.
@Peanut Gallery: I hope it’s not the Paul & Linda McCartney version of Mary Had a Little Lamb. I heard it once and hope never to hear it again.
Good golly, where exactly does the exclamation point go in “Cucumber Suffer Salad?”
@Artist formerly known as Ben: #125: Open no, but filled yes. If you don’t keep an inground pool weighed down with water shifting soil may cause it to pop out like one of those pushup frozen confections.
@Ukulele Ike: #110: That Thurber house is still standing just east of downtown Columbus. It now has a historical marker but back in the late 70s the nearby art college used it as a freshman boys dorm.
@104 Charterstone: Dune: I could see myself watching that.
@127 Artist formerly known as Ben: on Dustin: DustDad stress eats after being hit by an oxygen molecule.
@130 I speak Jive: Please remember that when this strip was originally drawn, that whole “small children/small parts” warning wasn’t legally required. You know, in 1958.
@I speak Jive: I’d never heard it, so I looked it up when I posted that comment. Yeah, don’t quit your day job, Paul.
@Baja Gaijin: Cuisine – Mayonnaise and gelatin. Yum. I can identify only the mushrooms in that vegetable mixture. That’s a big NOPE, and your edits to the card are accurate.
@Baja Gaijin: Re toys – I had a doll house that was made of metal, and the edges were so sharp that they could have done real damage. My youngest sister had a car seat like the one Maggie Simpson uses, that hooks over the bench seat of the car and has a steering wheel attached. The steering wheel was attached by a metal bar. My mother took the steering wheel and metal bar off because she didn’t think it was safe.
S4th: Ralph brought skis, but they are not strapped to the roof rack. Meaning they’re crammed inside of the vehicle. Which…why?? You’ve got a roof rack. Use it.
@Dmsilev: So this guy heard that in some countries, “budgie smugglers” is a term for super-tight swimming briefs, and he got inspired?
@Baja Gaijin: Yeeeaah, I should have taken that into consideration.
@Baja Gaijin:
Betty Crocker was completely lit coming up with this combination of foods that do not ever belong together.
@Rover Berkeley: Maybe they were on the roof but they fell off many, many miles ago.
DtM: Dennis was hoping to meet a unicorn, but, alas, all he got was an angry neighbor.
@Baja Gaijin: My wife, when she was a working dietician for a senior feeding program, would make stuff like this for her clients. It had the advantage of having all the nutrients the customers needed, plus it visually appeals to the Plugger+ set.
@I speak Jive: RE:McCartney’s Mary Had a Little Lamb…. The only thing worse in that genre I could imagine would be a spoken-word version by William Shatner.
@Bob Tice:
#30. Bob, thank you for letting us know that Mr. Beatty’s surgery appears to be successful. Wishes ng you the best, sir.
On the other hand, the author of PHANTOM, states in his newsletter he doesn’t totally respect us freeloaders. Remember folks, we deserve to be paid for everything we do. /s
Sweet Treat Time!!
I finally got a chance to upload those cookies I made a few days ago.
I mean, they didn’t flatten very well, but they tasted wonderful!
@The Rambling Otter:
#146: bet they’re tasty! Sometimes there’s an inverse relationship between quality and appearance– hence, makeup or frosting.
Think I’ll stir up a half batch from my Beloved Bettty Crocker cookbook tonight
@144 Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: Something worse in that genre? Yoko Ono’ “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” [mic drop]
@146 The Rambling Otter: I think the apparent tastiness of your cookies counteract the jiggly Late Thread Cuisine.
@147 Activist: Betty Crocker Cookbook? Like where the Late Thread Cuisine originated? Think carefully about this.
@133 A Grave Mind: Good question. The original name is “Cucumber Souffle Salad.” I’m not sure that’s any better than my adjusted card title.
@137 I speak Jive: That’s interesting. The only vegetables in the recipe are cucumber, celery, and sliced radishes. As for the toys, besides the nice, sharp, exposed sheet metal edges, they had toys that heat up to vulcanizing levels to cure plastic goop, releasing who know what kind of toxic fumes…in children’s bedrooms.
@141 Deadly Goon Bugs: She should be lit for thinking up this monstrosity, like the villagers tried lighting up Frankenstein’s monster.
@143 Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: OK, so this recipe has some value in this world. Not a big value, mind you.
@Guillermo el chiclero: LUANN: Archie is Euphoria compared to this crowd.
#148 @Baja Gaijin: Yoko? You win.
Oh? Yoko?
My love will turn you on.
@152 Ukulele Ike: My stomach will turn on me upon hearing you (Yoko).
Six Chix – The “BOO!” mat is inside the door, and facing so that it can be read by people exiting the house. The message is clear: The outside world is a scary place!
@The Rambling Otter: Honestly, Herb & Jamaal dodging a movie serial killer is an idea I could get behind.
@Baja Gaijin:
#148: Betty Crocker, ©1969, 23rd printing, 1974, Minneapolis MN. This was a time every high school girl was expected to take home Ec and to marry right after college. It was therefore the go-to graduation and wedding present.
I still use it weekly but change recipes to reduce salt and sugar, eliminate lard, add seasonings. Both my BFF and two cousins were given one at their wedding, and all the marriages lasted 50+ years.
What we need is a copy of “Morey Amsterdam’s Betty Cooker’s Crock Book For Drunks”. Anybody got one?
@Activist: My wife got one when we got married 30 years ago. Still in its plastic wrap, too.
@156 Activist: Did those Betty Crocker people think women would be able to catch men with recipes that look like todaythread’s Cuisine? Maybe in the mid-70’s it could work: the “salad” matches the kitchen’s avocado-painted refrigerator.
@Activist: Upgrade to Ginette Mathiot’s Je Sais Cuisiner (I Know How to Cook), 1932. The French Joy of Cooking, and perennial wedding gift for terrified French brides.
MW: Odds are this week is just going to be a victory lap for this utter non-entity of a storyline but I can at least hope a new plot point springs up where the rightful owners of those birds arrive to take them back and we get to watch Toby crash out over the loss of her demon birds.
@Ukulele Ike:
#160. Ike, thanks for the recommendation. My old cookbooks are so tattered, torn, taped that something new would be nice.
(My 7 star sugar cookies and 10 small circles are perfect in taste but frosting will be needed to cover up imperfections in appearance.)
@Activist: #156: I still have a few of my mom’s cookbooks from the 50s and 60s. I use maybe a fourth of the salt they ask for in those recipes. The Greatest Generation must have craved salt like that shape-shifting vampire in that old Star Trek episode.
@TheDiva: Don’t worry. First, nothing really bad is allowed to happen in BCN, in my experience. And second, I strongly suspect that Teddy is about to shed his exoskeleton. That is a thing tarantulas do, and it seems potentially inspiring to Sophie. Shedding part of one’s old self in order to start to grow again seems like a form of rebirth that could appeal to an artist.
@Baja Gaijin: Come for the bizarre recipes, stay for the really great modified prose.
Sex Organ V.D: “Little Jimmy™ was the one who froze to death in the freezer, looking for more eggs.
@Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: What we need is a copy of “Morey Amsterdam’s Betty Cooker’s Crock Book For Drunks”. Anybody got one?
_____________________________________________________________________
Richie Petrie has one….its autographed “FROM BUDDY TO ROSEBUD”
LUANN: I feel cheated because I would ordinarily enjoy seeing Luann cringing from deserved insults, hahaha, if the insulting weren’t being done very unethically by the extremely-icky Mrs. Fogarty. Yuck to everyone in the room.
JP: Now this dialogue is gratifying. I haven’t liked Katherine all that much before, but I’m on her team if she’s going to keep handing it to Ann like this. And seeing snotty Ann literally stick her neck out like Anne Boleyn waiting for the sword is also rewarding.
Those “stones” Dennis is skipping appear to be floating. Wait until the pool’s owner finds out they’re actually chunks of sodium metal Dennis boosted from the local HS chem lab.
@Bryan: I see your point. I guess I’m still viewing Luann through the lens of existing in a fundamentalist world, though. Because when I was in that world, I knew a lot of girls like Luann. They were a confusing ball of mixed signals. “Let’s go in the car and make out! Let’s hang discarded clothing on the wall to discover your creative side!” Luann was all motivated to make out until her friends showed up.
That jarring shift in priorities suggests that they basically slut-shamed her. And Luann is far too weak to stand up for herself. Busybody Bernice fits perfectly into that world too. She’s the nosy Christian wife who’s up in everybody’s business simply because everyone’s afraid to tell her to fuck off.
@Activist:
I haven’t seen his newsletter (and probably wouldn’t know where to find it if I tried.) I will tell you, though, that the best of the comics writers and illustrators are good sports who play along with us — June Brigman comes immediately to mind. And it’s wise to do so — clicks on sites mean revenue, and people often click on sites because they want to read the clever comments.
In my view, commenting on comic strips is sort of like making remarks at roasts — there’s a certain creative license you have when you’re making a remark, and people aren’t supposed to take you entirely seriously (in large part because you don’t intend your comments seriously.) Now, not all remarks about comic strips are jocular — some are serious comments directed to things like lack of plot cohesion, inappropriate politicization of what’s supposed to be entertainment, gratuitous depicted violence and the like. There, I think that there’s a distinction to be made between critique of the subject matter of a comic offering and ad hominem attacks on the creators themselves. The former is fair game; the latter is simply never acceptable. I’m proud to say that in more than ten years on the commenting boards of various provenances — which is extremely entertaining for me, because it’s such a sharp contrast to the (appropriate) sobersidedness of my academic and other professional pursuits — I’ve never launched an ad hominem attack on an author. And I never will.
DtM – And by the way, I call it an L. There’s no POO in it. Keep it that way….
RMMD – You better keep yer eye on her, Rex….
H&J – Stephen Stills wrote a song about it….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Remember the “1, 2, 3 — GRANDFATHER!” routine that the Captain and crew used to use on Captain Kangaroo to wake up Grandfather Clock? I wonder if that works on Josh.
Uh where’s Josh? I had heard California had an earthquake but that is the in the San Francisco area.
No parrots in the final panel of Mary Worth and no new Curmdgeon? I sense a disturbance in the Force.
@Bob Tice: Well, y’all can keep invoking your arcane rites; I’ve emailed Josh.
@richardf8:
He’s too young to remember “Captain Kangaroo,” anyway. But I’m guessing that 99% of the people on the comment boards here aren’t.
Maybe Murphy’s Law of internet commenting will kick in as I type…
MW He could only shout and grumble! And see things his way! Why it took so long for him to appreciate the sweet, sweet scent of parrot guano all over the apartment’s torn-up things, I can’t understand!
Phantom Knocked-out, awake – make up your minds about how you want Chuma’s flunky, folks. But I wouldn’t expect any reasonable answers after the brain injury you gave him to make him unconscious.
DT Was that gifted watch part of the original gathering in the bar? Are we actually supposed to keep track of this nonsense that far back?
@Activist: The author of the Phantom also doesn’t half-ass it, and nor do either of his illustrators. I do not begrudge him his desire to be able to sustain himself on it.
@Bob Tice: DePaul’s blog provides a nice look at his non-comics activities, along with previews and discussions of the Phantom strip. In this case, the “free riders” comment was more about the economics of newspaper strips, not necessarily disparaging snarkers.
I remember seeing something somewhere about Terry Beatty taking the snarking personally. I sometimes think that RMMD’s dedication to anti-storytelling (non-interesting characters, undramatic events) is his way of getting back at the snarkers.
Of course, Dennis was only skipping rocks in the pool to lure out his target. Now that the homeowner has approached him, all it’s going to take is one flick of Dennis’s wrist to send the rock directly into his brain, and he’ll tumble into the pool he tried and failed to defend. And Dennis? Dennis gets another deposit in his account.