Big and/or small business
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Judge Parker, 5/27/26
The humble diner now appears to be the soap opera strips’ go-to employer for those seeking to abandon a hectic, go-go lifestyle and reconnect with good, honest work — a group that includes everyone from former movie stars disillusioned with the Hollywood grind to scammers in search of redemption. Anyway, the proprietor of this establishment was understandably somewhat hesitant to hire a literal con artist, but I predict he will quickly accede to Alan’s request so he doesn’t have to hear any more details of Parker family emotional drama.
Hagar the Horrible, 5/27/26
Not that I expect Helga to be a big expert in macroeconomics or fiscal and monetary policy, but she has only her husband and his fellow warrior/traders to blame for this! Looted silver and gold coins from England and the Carolingian Empire, along with revenue from increased trade with the Byzantine and Islamic worlds via the Russian river networks, has had a naturally inflationary effect. Sadly, Viking society isn’t advanced enough to make use of this influx of wealth by increasing productivity, so instead they’ll just face sharply rising prices for the near future.
Mother Goose and Grimm, 5/27/26
Look, it’s one thing for Mother Goose and Grimm to try to pass off yet another widely known street joke as a punchline in a newspaper comic — I think we’ve all come to accept that at this point. What bothers me is that it’s trying to pass off yet another widely known street joke about a retail chain that stopped operation more than three years ago. Sure, it’s true that the website formerly known as Overstock.com acquired Bed, Bath & Beyond’s intellectual property and has subsequently been wearing the deceased brand’s skin, but you know that if Mother Goose had bought that stuff via this newfangled “online shopping” process, that would’ve been the heart of the joke.
149 replies to “Big and/or small business”
Oh, God, Alan has whatever acrewed up Double Tap. This is annoying! This is annoying!
“Ha ha! Our caregiver can’t really afford her spending! Funny! Good thing I’m a dog, and will cheerfully eat my own poop!”
Judging by everything in this strip BESIDES Helga, the year is 1966. Hopefully she conducts her business and leaves before she must make any contact with The Munsters, and her son continues to wuss out of Vietnam.
MG&G: Where indeed? Judging by the number of bags she chose to carry, someplace that sells marshmallows, feathers, rice cakes, and ramen?
Nancy: I usually miss arists’ mistakes, but this one was so overt I was confused as soon as I saw it.
JP: Alan makes the hollow gesture of offering to secretly pay her salary.
“Eh, waitresses are paid way less than minimum wage by law, right?”
Between Friends : Maeve, the reason you haven’t tossed this idiot out of your home
preferably out the windowBETTER be that you’re not physically strong enough to overpower him in that manner, otherwise, yeah, this isn’t a situation where you give a friendly warning and hope he changes his behavior.************
Family Circus : …thanks for sharing that, Jeff Keane.
***********
Ripley’s Don’t Believe It :
a) Imagine the
only goodbest adaptation of your favorite book being a movie you personally starred in. That part’s crazier than choosing that movie to be the last thing you watch before you die.b) So there’s a non-zero chance you can bump into someone who’s into Warhammer if you go to Valhalla?
c) It’s not every raven-haired girl who has fantasies of growing up to become Morticia Adams (or some such spooky vamp), but it’s not THAT notable to note that one raven-haired girl who DID is a celebrity now.
************
Safe Havens : “OH BOY! I can’t wait to go back to this place where a bunch of strangers amorously jammed their noses up my butt again!”
Pam, your new boyfriend is discovering THINGS about himself, and I’m not sure they’re good for your ongoing relationship…
MW: Oh noes!! It’s the return of Dirk the Dick! And Dawn has no bowling ball with which to crush his foot!
Seriously though, I just bet that is Dirk, with Tommie coming up right behind to play the White Knight.
JP: Never mind your daughter, Judgey Wudgey. Whose lump of flesh with a coffee cup glued to it is that in the first panel? It’s freaking me out!
GT: ‘Oh, and honey you simply *must* do something about that coolant leak in your eye socket. That stuff will just ruin your dress!’
Ph: Uh, he could *still* do all that, Schmelon Schmusk. Now that he knows it’s all an illusion, you mean to tell me that Eric ‘Nomad’ Sahara doesn’t have the mental discipline born of fighting Stripeypants to push past your little parlor trick? Also, take off that stupid mask! Takeitofftakeitofftakeitoff!!!!
HTH: As I understand it, the Viking diet consisted mainly of pickled cabbage, fermented fish and barley ale, and this seems to be an awfully big parcel of those. It might make for a nice wedding evening, but I’m concerned it’ll throw a spanner in the wedding night.
Andy Capp:
I’m sure the police want to serve a gourmet breakfast so the worthless bum would try and get locked up every night.
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Wary Morth:
“Hey, Dusk! Want a little quick energy boost for your run? The first one’s free!”
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Wrecks Moregone:
To be fair, egg and potato salad seems to be about the right cuisine level for the Glenwood Cafe.
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Murky Tail:
“….a 28-year-old exotic dancer, she said. I assume that means she’s an exponent of dances from Morocco or Bali.”
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Wrecks Moregone (2):
Tomorrow, a furious Jordan Like The Country arrives, lawyer in tow, demanding to know why Doug Like The Pompadour’s employee Luis Like The Cartel has bought up all the wholesale food supplies in town. Hilarity does not ensue.
Luann: “What’s a futility specialist?” Shannon, I’d liike to introduce Josh Fruhlinger…
(I mean that positively, of course, in that he is a specialist in criticizing a futile medium.)
HtH: The young woman appears to be wearing a tee. I have those. This costuming wouldn’t pass muster at even the mangiest Ren Faire.
GT: C’mon, Beth! You’re the feisty barmaid. Cram the old lady’s head into her wine glass.
RMMD: Mr Manager is truly a man unprepared for success.
MW: They left out the “BAHAHAHAHA!” that should have followed P1.
Since when does Hélg? go *shopping* instead of ordering Hågär to just go out and loot everything?
JP: Alan just wants a woman on the inside so that the next time he invades the diner to shove family photos in the patron’s faces, he can’t be kicked out.
GT: So has Gil’s mom always been evil, or is this a recent development?
@Ukranazi Stepan:
Since probably always, because
a) This is a comic strip that originates from the 1950s, of course it plays the “Women be shopping” trope.
b) Hagar is dumbass who would blow all his gold on ale and whores immediately upon acquiring any lucre, to the point he’d be sold into slavery to pay his debts. Helga is the one who manages the finances to make sure that doesn’t happen (a similar set-up is present in Snuffy Smith).
JP: “Another favor Nick, could you use a big Norwegian bouncer?
@The Quiet Man: Dawn, in Friday’s strip: “The old Tommy would never have beaten up another man just for being rude to me! Is is possible he’s changed?”
Hagar the Horrible: Macroeconomics-shmacroeconomics. I want to hear more about the trade networks that brought glass-and-stainless-steel refrigerated meat cases to Viking society. (Also about how this newlywed’s husband dies brutally in Hagar’s next raiding party, but I am willing to be patient.)
MG&G: Judging from Mother Goose’s eyes in the first panel, I’d say she does most of her shopping at “Stimulants “R” Us.”
Judge Parker: Diners are also favored by pinheads, but this is Alan Parker we’re talking about, so I guess that’s not really news?
Hagar: Is the butcher also the town laundry? Because that’s the same package my father’s shirts used to come back in from the cleaners.
I guess we should just be glad the creative team behind Mother Goose and Grimm didn’t go for a joke about “Tarzhay” or “Monkey Ward’s.” On the other hand, maybe it would have been funnier if Mother Goose went shopping with a real, live monkey, given Pan troglodytes‘ bent for violence and dominance hierarchies? I’m pretty sure Grimm doesn’t need all those limbs, is what I’m saying.
Today’s Zits is about the self proclaimed punk rock teen being explicitly told that 13 million men and women in the US have sexually transmitted diseases and it suddenly seems to be dawning on him that he’s already got some personal experience with these diseases.
“Oh, is that why my crotch is burning all the time? That’s very interesting”
H&L: If an office coworker said they were going to quit their job to do some painting, that would be amazing and fellow workers would be overjoyed, or at the very least supportive. But of course, Hi has to be a dick about.
“What do you know about art you fat, drunken, lazy bastard.”
@Pozzo: “Stimulants ‘я’ Us”
“Who cares if you got married? You were Olga Eriksdotter before, and you’re still Olga Eriksdotter, not Olga Svenswyf. Stop defining yourself by the patriarchy!”
“Oh, shut up, Helga Leifsdotter.”
Heathcliff might actually be a god as he has the power to take a food he’s obsessed with and turn it into a working car, but he’s also really malcontent. How long until he just destroys the world just because he can?
People have made jokes about the “Beyond” part of “Bed, Bath and Beyond” being some sort of trippy void or such.
Then “The Backrooms” horror meme started right around when BBB closed down. The two would have fit perfectly together.
JP:
“Okay, a little off-topic, Mr. Proprietor, but did you know that I’ve snared the role of Pepe Le Pew in the Cavelton Players’ forthcoming production of Looney Tunes: The Musical?”
JP – The way he’s acting all secretive asking about food service makes me wonder if “food service” is code for something else – like feet pix, heroin, or smuggling babies in from Russia. For adoption. Or, whatever.
Does anyone else find it odd that Grimm calls Mother Goose “mom” and wonder if he’s doing it because her name is literally “Mother Goose” even though she doesn’t actually have any children. It seems like Grimm is her pet but he’s actually a completely sentient adult who can go to restaurants and movie theaters and has full understanding of the world around him so he’s not really a pet. Grimm just lives with this bird person and allows her to treat him like he’s her pet even though he’s perfectly capable of living independently. I think we can at least be grateful that there’s no sexual element to this relationship.
reOBH — Ruthie’s parents don’t get enough privacy to screw!
JP:
“Now, do you think she really wants to work here?”
“Well, no, but she wants to check off the ‘Odyssean descent into the underworld’ box on her work experience list.”
Well, actually, the shambling corpse that was Bed Bath and Beyond did reopen a few stores under their original branding. All in the vicinity of Nashville according to their website. So, that means that (a) we have a geographical fix on MotherGooseVille and (b) time has come full circle and this legacy strip is now more up to date than Josh’s snark. I …don’t know how to process the latter. My world is shattered.
JP-“Has Anne ever been a celebrity and is now hiding her celebrity status? We could use a celebrity working here to draw in the customers.”
FC-And Jeffy will take over Daddy’s comic strip.
RMMD-And yet the hotel rooms are still empty.
Mother Goose and Grimm contains a version of the “Marvin” problem. Can Grimm and the other dogs speak and understand English? If so, why doesn’t Mother Goose seem to notice them talking about her?
MG is also more anthropomorphic than her pet, and they occupy different social strata, so they’ve also borrowed problems from Disney. Are these dogs like Pluto, who can understand his surroundings reasonably well, but also barks at leaves and chases his own tail? If so, are there Goofy-esque anthropomorphic canines out there, walking around with their opposable thumbs and written language, mocking Grimm and his kin?
Let’s hope so! Grimm looks more like an ambient lemon than a dog. Occupying a space between man and beast is usually confusing, but it could only clarify things for Grimm and his pals.
Crankshaft: Please let this be a sinkhole. If it is a blackhole, then it is such a break in the in-continuity universe that it must be the end of Crankshaft. Maybe it is an imagined story that Crankshaft dreams up after falling asleep in front a Road Runner and Coyote cartoon.
DT: Unlike in the bank escape scene in the movie Heat , this whole attack sequence will not be used to teach the use of firearms.
GT: C’mon this girl has made her own way through the world and has been slinging drinks for years to alcoholic golfers. She finally snagged Gil (hooked through the gills) so she isn’t going to be put off by some sad old woman with horrible plastic surgery. She’d just shrug it off
Dustin: Once again, we see the issue. Dad thinks Dustin is USMC material.
JP: Oh yeah, I forgot I forced Anne to take the diner job. She then fled town because she hated being a server. My mind has been foggy lately and I forget stuff. Can I have another coffee and what is today’s special?
Slylock: Slylock is making a mistake and will accused of making false accusations. Max points out that those are Herky Bars – the new chocolate bars that are heat resistant. They are the official chocolate bars of the French Foreign Legion desert forts and Death Valley gift shop.
There was once a time (probably because people didn’t pay as much attention) that judges were viewed as distinguished and fair distributors of justice. It’s 2026 now though, Mr. Diner Man, and it wouldn’t hurt to have one owing you a favour.
***
Good on Helga for not freaking out over that refrigerated display unit. Sadly though, as Christianity takes over more of the Viking world, that butcher will be executed for witchcraft.
***
Oh, Grimm, that joke really Sears!
JP:
“See this nonfunctional hat I’m wearing? — it identifies me as a dweeb!”
FC I really didn’t expect the melonheads to try for a tie-in with the upcoming summer blockbuster by broaching Oedipal themes, but here we are…
Crankshaft Not only are they ignoring the tidal effects ripping everything apart, that event horizon has grown from under a half meter across to 5 meters-plus, which means it went from something like 20 Earth masses to 350 Earth masses by absorbing the mass of a bit of lawn and dirt. I knew Crankshaft had some weird stuff ordered from Bean’s End, but who knew they had ultra-dense compost in their catalog?
GT This is where in real life this behaviour gets discussed with your spouse-to-be and depending on their reaction the wedding might be off – or on with a renewed sense of being family united in responding to extended family awfulness. Here, I’ll bet it goes nowhere as the writer doesn’t seem able to make Beth anything other than a prize for Gil – Stepford wives have more character traits than her.
@Victor Von:
I think the situation with Grimm is that although he’s fully capable of wearing clothes and eating like a civilized person and probably even using a toilet he actually really enjoys behaving like a dog. He’s basically an adult man in a dog costume who is choosing to drink out of the toilet and eat garbage and shit on the lawn. It’s actually really perverse when you think about it for more than a minute.
@Hibbleton: Wasn’t a plot point in the original British version of The Office?
@treetown:
On Crankshaft : Crap, I didn’t realise “it was all a dream!” ending is a possibility, which is lamer than where I thought this was going : “Luckily, it turns out Lena’s yucky brownies are supermassive matter than can plug up the hole and save us all!”
On Dustin : nah, it’s DustinDad trying to trick Dustin into accepting a job where he’ll HAVE to move out and bunk there, because he’s too cheap to send him back to college, and having him get a law degree and giving him a nepobaby job at his firm would make DustinDad realise things about himself he doesn’t want to face (for example, WHERE DOES DUSTIN GET HIS LAZY SHIFTLESSNESS PROCRASTINATING ATTITUDE FROM WHAT A MYSTERY).
Dustin — why is the trope to send all malcontent/underachieving kids to the USMC? Why not Army or Navy or one of the other uniformed services?
With a canonical BA in English, I don’t see Dustin as particularly useful to the military, even as an officer.
HtH: This is almost Crock levels of not even trying anymore. I mean, they didn’t even bother drawing Viking helmets on the extras.
JP: “Okay, next question: how is Ann with handling conflict resolution? For example, if a customer was dissatisfied with their meal, would she be more likely to add a discount to their bill, provide a free desert, or knock them out, kidnap them and torture them in a storage facility?”
MG&G: Mother Goose has the wide-eyed expression of being caught in the grip of some mania or irresistible compulsion. Maybe someone should talk to her about her shopping addiction?
@A Grave Mind: Nah, Double Up’s tic comes at the end of an utterance. This repetition at the start of an utterance is more a Sally Forth thing. I wonder who the vector for this horrible ailment could be?
@TheDiva: Aw crap, what did I do this time?
RMMD:
Rockabilly Billy: “Oh, no! If he’s paying retail for groceries, the cafe is going to end up losing money.”
Hector: “Not to worry, boss. I sent him to root through the dumpsters behind the Safeway.”
MG&G – In the Mother Goose and Grimm universe, Bed Bath & Beyond sells straw, flea dip, and environmental enrichment toys.
Don Abundio, translated:
“Why the long face?”
“I don’t mind being a butler, but I can’t help wondering…”
“if I would have what it takes to be a great tycoon”
“You were right, this is a breeze”
@39 CanuckDownSouth: on Crankshaft: Ultra-dense compost? My theory is Luann deGroot walked by and got her ultra-dense brain sucked into the black hole.
MW: Yes, going for a run on a mountain trail is definitely something Wilbur would do voluntarily.
@The Quiet Man: Also, take off that stupid mask! Takeitofftakeitofftakeitoff!!!!
Boy, are you ever gonna be shocked when that happens and it turns out to be Schneek Smellyson!
@Peanut Gallery:
Good job on the translation!
(Ugh, the “I lied to someone by correspondence and now you guys have to pretend to be my slaves while they visit” episode. I didn’t outright hate them, but it annoyed me how FREQUENT and ALWAYS THE SAME they were!)
@Dmsilev:
All in the vicinity of Nashville according to their website. So, that means that (a) we have a geographical fix on MotherGooseVille
It’s true – we managed to get these awful stores in the Nashville market. They are a scaled down model of, let’s say a Kirkland’s that thinks it’s a Pottery Barn. Not impressed. There are way better options within minutes of these stores.
And, OK – I readily admit I’m in my Plugger Era. But I’ll be damned if I cop to being a Mother Gooser.
@Ukulele Ike: Truck Tyler and Mud Mountain Murphy appear “Did somebody say roots!?”
@Anonymous: The episode formula I’ve always hated is the one where everyone plans a surprise birthday party for one of the characters, and the character is sad because they think everyone’s forgotten their birthday.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: Well, as a diner owner, given the choice, would you rather have a customer say to you “hire my ex-con daughter who doesn’t even know I’m trying to get a job for her” or “Do donuts go to the Church of the Subhuman just for the sermons?”
Of course this butcher had to raise prices! He has to pay for a whole pane of glass, which must be worth its weight in silver in the early middle ages!
Hagar the Horrible-“I’m not a miss. I’m a Madame.”
The American sports fan pours his coffee, opens the sports pages, and exclaims “At last! A comic strip about choosing wedding cake with the mother-in-law from hell! Thanks Gil Thorp!”
C’shaft: “Scientists say the only hope for preventing the black hole from consuming the entire earth is to feed it something equally dense and self-centered. At this moment, authorities are seeking to contact local comic strip author Batton Thomas.”
Dustin: Man, if only Dustdad knew a lawyer who could tell him about things like fraudulent enlistment penalties…
GT: This is so much easier than giving Beth a personality or identity of her own.
MW: Good idea, take Wilbur for a long run at high altitude. It won’t improve his health–pretty much the exact opposite, in fact–but it will make the overall quality of life of those around him a lot better.
Phantom: Somehow, “an alien (or alien-masked villain) uses AI to monitor and control the thoughts and actions of his captive” is coming off as more plausible than the recent AI-aided dating scams in Mary Worth and Mark Trail.
Pluggers aren’t fooling anyone, they haven’t done anything resembling “shenanigans” since they were sixteen. They can’t even work up the energy for a case of mild tomfoolery anymore.
RMMD: “So you’ll reimburse us for the ingredients?”
“Sorry, no hablo es-pan-gol.”
SH: Good, that will keep the lights on for another month or so.
CS: why is Crankshaft allowed anywhere near a barbecue?
Speaking of which, where does Mother Goose gets her income from? I doubt royalties from fairy tales, they must be all in the public domain. Does she do consultancy for Disney fairy talesmovies? Is it her who is to blame for the live-action remakes?
@Anonymous: I was thinking Pocketful of Miracles (1961).
Why does the butler’s popsie have such huge eyes? Is part of his “good impression” plan an eightball of cocaine?
“Does Ann have a personality? Because we don’t like that here! We want to be completely generic, a blank canvass unto which customers can project their ideas! That’s why we serve coffee in fully white mugs!”
Don’t be too enthusiastic young woman! Sure, you married the sweetest man, but your rating of sweetness is heavily skewed by the fact that you have never eaten anything sweeter than the occasional serving of honey. Your mind would be blown if you tasted refined sugar — or met a really caring man!
Some anachronism in Hagar the Horrible are expected, they are part of the joke. But today’s strip is made up exclusively of modern signifiers: short hair, modern butchery shop, pursue, modern packaging for the meat. If you read this without the title, you would guess it is set in modern days and Helga is an opera singer from a golden age cartoon!
Used to be that a true Viking would kidnap his bride, but now they seem to have introduced concepts like consent and waiting until marriage before consumation. Christianity has taken stronger roots than I expected!
JP: “she is willing to commute from Cavelton to here in Glenwood……..maybe she can carpool with Truck”
On Sunday, HtH introduces a character who will answer Josh’s questions.
Meet Hjalmar the Economist.
“Where did mom do all her shopping?” Amazon, of course. These are clearly brown postal packages. Unless they are supposed to be shopping bags… but let’s not insult artists and colourists with this suggestion!
Crankshaft – Where is Loathsome Lillian? Dare we hope that she was sucked into the black hole? It would be too much to hope that Harry Dinkle is with her.
Frazz – Or Frazz and random kid could look at it as coming up with a way to make a never ending chore easier and less tiresome. However, they couldn’t be judgmental jerks about that approach.
Gil Thorp – Why is the woman with the frozen face going to take a bite out of the glass when there are slices of cake?
The artist wanted to give both women balloon lips like Lauren Sanchez but couldn’t quite get it right. Art class didn’t cover that. Or maybe she wasn’t paying attention.
Slylock Fox: Joke’s on our detective, as Herky’s is a private label manufactured by Palmer. Being 66% wax and 33% palm oil, it can stay out in the sun for hours without melting.
MW: If Dawn insisted Wilbur join her on the trail panel one wouldn’t look any different. Let’s face it, Wilbur is prime “I just have to be faster than you” material in any forest chase.
Judge Parker – Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential and FX’s The Bear both showed the ugly side of restaurant work, yet because they had good writing it made a lot of affluent younger people aspire to those jobs.
However, since this is Judge Parker (and Rex Morgan‘s Mae Mae) were talking about, working class diner waitstaff can don’t have to worry about that. Stick to worrying about AI automation, DoorDash, and the collapse of the disposable income that allows your customer base to support your job!
Hagar the Horrible – We can forgive certain anachronisms in Hagar, but if your society has refrigerator meat cases, it should have mastered modern agricultural practices that would have made food production much more efficient and cheaper overall than the average Middle Ages society.
Mother Goose and Grimm – I got a laugh because of this Bed, Bath & Beyond joke. Not directly, mind you, but it did remind of how the character Abbi in Broad City loves the store so much to the point of being on first name and complex-handshake basis with the staff, and I remembered I could be rewatching this classic show instead of reading this mediocre comic strip.
Hagar: I’ve been reading anachronistic inflation gags for over fifty years. I remember a Redeye strip in the early ’70s where the title character’s wife comes home and says something like, “Wow, I spent over $10 at the store today.” Redeye offers to help her with all the bags, and she says, “You haven’t been to a grocery store lately, have you?”
@Liam: JP-“Has Anne ever been a celebrity…?”
“There was that time she was on America’s Most Wanted.”
@Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: why is the trope to send all malcontent/underachieving kids to the USMC?
Back in the day, it was thought that the Marines were so tough, they would make a man out of slackers sent their way. I suppose the other services were beds of roses by comparison.
There’s something really odd about the perspective in Hågär Panel 2. Hélgå is obviously supposed to be closer to the viewer than the shopkeeper, her paunch is in *front* of the shopkeeper, but the shopkeeper’s left hand is also, somehow, in front of Helga. I don’t know why, but, despite the awful excuse for “art” and the vision out of hell that is Missus Bride’s face in Panel 1, it’s this that bothers me more.
“So, mom just bought Alhazred’s Necronomicon, three hands of glory, and some eye of newt. Where was she shopping, Bed, Bath, and Below?”
LUANN: Shannon’s job this arc is to be the cockblock for her aunt and uncle’s “futility” issues.
@White Rabbit: If I were forced to join up, I’d probably choose the Navy. There is nothing — absolutely nothing — half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.
Dustin: Quit dreaming, Dustdad. The military quit being a dumping ground for losers and slackers decades ago. I worked with a guy back in the mid 80s who tried joining the Marines and failed the written exams. Another coworker, a Vietnam Army vet, said, “What, too dumb for the Marines? I thought they took anybody!”
@Ukulele Ike: #82: Good choice for a gourmand like you. I heard the Navy has the best food of the services.
GT: It’s nice to see Jessica Walter is still getting work from beyond the grave as Gil’s mother. Do you think she’ll play it more like Malory Archer or like Lucille Bluth?
FG: Okay, Rolin. Now that I’ve taken over you’re going to tell me who does your hair. I’m tired of this ugly haircut of mine.
FC: Poor Jeffy Keane never got to marry his mom but he takes solace in drawing her breasts in great detail.
Hagar the Horrible:
Judging by the first panel, another reason the butcher may prefer to wait on new brides is that unlike Helga, they have faces.
@Guillermo el chiclero:
Um, perhaps things have swung around again, but those exams are NOT hard. I got a 96, I’m no genius, and passing is a 30. I worked with a guy, briefly, who was too stupid to get in the Army, and I legit wondered how he tied his shoes. He ultimately was fired for calling off (yet again), saying he’d forgotten he was getting knee surgery that day. It was 4PM. On Saturday.
Crankshaft Mashup: I think this is what @73 I speak Jive wanted to see.
Mother Goose & Grimm: We can all wonder why a dog can run around naked while a goose has to pay for a full ensemble of clothes… but the last thing anyone wants to see is Mom “Donald Duck-ing it.”
JP: Alan is such a drama queen. Look at him in panel two. He makes sure to put down his coffee mug so he can scratch his chin thoughtfully as he breaks eye contact with the diner guy. Do they serve ham at this diner?
HTH: Okay, let me get this straight. Judging by the setting, the dialogue, and the demeanor and dress of the other two, unnamed characters, I will assume that Hagar the Horrible now takes place somewhere in the American Midwest circa 1962. So I guess Helga just cosplays as a Viking and no one calls her out on it? That’s nice of them. Let the woman dream.
MG&G: Uh, guys, look at the expression on Mother Goose’s face. She clearly stole all that stuff and has no idea why she did it. She’s managed to shock even herself. What I’m saying is, she may need some alone time to reflect on what her life has become.
FC – “Why her?”
“Because of her unbelievably ENORMOUS… cookie jar.”
@Baja Gaijin: Thank you! Thanks also for the reminder that she’s a hag.
@Joe Blevins: Re JP – I don’t know about ham, but there sure is a lot of baloney.
Hagar The Horrible: I know that this series doesn’t even try to pretend to be historically accurate and that’s fine, it’s clearly meant to be set in a fantastical cartoon version of the Viking Age. But the least it could do is have ALL the characters in cartoon medieval clothing instead of having these random people be dressed in modern attire, making it seem like Helga has somehow time-travelled to pick up her mail.
Hagar the Horrible:
Women in Viking Scandinavia, while still living in a patriarchal culture, were considerably more independent than those in other contemporary societies. One of the ways this manifested was in love and marriage: while the family could choose a woman’s husband for her and her opinion on potential suitors was not considered legally binding, it was generally considered a very good idea to take her wishes into account, as can be seen from how all the marriages performed against the will of the bride that are recounted in the sagas end in disaster. Furthermore, once married, women had the right to demand a divorce under certain circumstances, including the man being repeatedly violent towards her or going away for too long. If a divorce did happen, she was free to choose her next husband on her own.
All of which to say is that Mrs. Orangedress’s happiness at her new marriage is entirely plausible; however, it should also be noted that most Viking women were housewives whose primarily responsibilities were preparing food and household goods such as textiles, as well as tending to the farm while their husband was away. That would explain why Helga looks disdainful of this newlywed who has to order prepackaged food to feed her husband with. Or maybe she’s contemptuous of the strip’s historical milieu being violated with grocery stores and handbag-toting ladies just so she can deliver an anachronistic joke about inflation like this is fucking Pluggers or something.
@8 Guillermo el chiclero: Nope. The
ChairAir Force has the best food.@Joe Blevins: …So I guess Helga just cosplays as a Viking and no one calls her out on it? That’s nice of them…
That January 6 MAGA Shaman guy simply RUINED wearing horns in public for ALL OF US.
@Guillermo el chiclero: I mean that’s what ICE is for! (Good thing Dustin is considered too much of a “soft college lib” for the strip to go down that rabbit hole.)
9CL: Oh, wow…They boink…Didn’t see THAT punchline coming…
@Guillermo el chiclero: Let’s not forget how Kyle Rittenhouse was rejected by the USMC.
@The Rambling Otter: You would probably enjoy Horrorstör if you like that sort of thing. It’s like the Ikea catalog meets Poltergeist.
@Rover Berkeley: But today they’re boinking naked.
Character development!
@Bob Tice: Somebody had better break the news to Garrison… I think he was also auditioning for that role.
@Rover Berkeley: The only punchline I want to see these days in the comics, are a line of people punching Amos/Edda/Les/Dinkle/Batton Thomas… etc…
@richardf8: Neat! :3
@TheDiva: You exaggerated the gentle reprimand Bogdan received from Ann and Neddy. And by the way, that last option is the right answer. With restaurant margins being so thin, it’s better to attract clients who want to be beat up by Uma Thurman than to cut into the profits.
DUSTIN: So why doesn’t the dad just evict Dustin if he wants him gone so badly? I don’t think your own adult children are allowed to claim squatter’s rights against you.
LUANN: I’m pretty sure Shannon was the main reason Toni didn’t want kids.
REX MORGAN M.D.: Doug, the World’s Worst Manager: “Thank God I have underpaid immigrant labor willing to spend their own money on industrial-grade food supplies! Now I don’t have to break into my emergency pompadour maintenance fund!”
@Bryan:
LUANN: I’m pretty sure Shannon was the main reason Toni didn’t want kids.
Why are you using the past tense? Did I miss something, and something changed?
@Bryan: @Anonymous: I thought we had determined that Shannon is the result of incest sex between Toni and her big brother, and her personality is due to brain damage? She’s lucky she didn’t end up with one giant eye in the middle of her forehead. (Shhhh….don’t tell Bwad.)
@2+2=7:
Um, the restaurant has a money supply in case they have to buy something at the supermarket. Hell, even in the unlikely event an employee uses their own money, there’s a way to get comped. Seen it done.
@Baja Gaijin: Excellent! Matching the font was a nice touch.
Crank: Prediction: This time next year, Battom Thomas has an entire week explaining to Skip/Ed/anyone who doesn’t run away fast enough that sometimes people complain that stuff happens in The Oldies that doesn’t make sense on literally any level, and those people are all morons who don’t understand how comic strips work.
DT: I like how we really are going all in on “the main characters have been tricked into being somewhere else, meaning Neo-Chicago’s Most Wanted can shoot up police headquarters with impunity, because no other police officer in the city has ever, or will ever, achieve anything.”
FG: With the usual apologies to Uncle Lumpy and Bob Tice:
Rolin’s become weak, say Aegia and Ming,
This shell of a man can no longer be king.
With no thirst for battle, he’s losing control,
And seizing advantage is Ming’s Death Patrol!
Veterans of Kiran are marked with a hand,
Insignia of the new Merciless brand.
Distinguishing them as they take their new role,
The renegade forces of Ming’s Death Patrol!
Still loyal and true is Rolin’s Royal Guard,
But Ming’s forces don’t find them tempered or hard.
They’ve not faced the horrors in Kiran’s dark hole,
But guess who has faced them? It’s Ming’s Death Patrol!
King Rolin’s deposed, beaten down but alive,
But for how long will they let him survive?
Will the end of the week see his head on a pole?
No point asking me – just ask Ming’s Death Patrol!
MW: Oh goodness, the suspense! Who could possibly be calling Dawn’s name in the middle of this storyline about shoving Dawn and Tommy into coupledom in the most hamfisted manner imaginable?
Phantom: Okay, I know when the bad guy talks about himself in the third person it’s a sign you’re dealing with a complete comic-book megalomaniac. (“So swears — DOOM!”) I’m not sure what it means when the bad guy talks about the person he’s talking to in the third person, but I’m betting it’s not good.
Pluggers: I was going to snark that Pluggers plan wild shennanigans but don’t actually do them, but on reflection, I’m not sure I’m even prepared to credit them with a rich fantasy life.
@Bryan:
My guess is that Dustdad wants somebody around to abuse.
@The Quiet Man: I actually feel like you’re giving Moy too much credit here, in that this would be stupid, but at least something would be happening. ICBW, but I’m sticking with my theory that is Tommy, and Dawn is going to be gobsmacked yet again to realise he’s still not on drugs and capable of making extremely bland conversation.
@Horace Broon:
“Hey, Dawn, I am ALSO running and enjoying fitness! Say, ever thought of adopting a parrot?”
“Is he REALLY not on drugs? Do leopards change their spots?!”
@Horace Broon: Superb! You are the Lewis Carroll of adventure strip doggerel!
DT: Well, I think that Mumbles is taking a powder. “He who fights and runs away….” Ol’ Mumblety-peg was always too exemplary a villain to be reduced to a mere B.B. Eyes stooge.
@A Grave Mind: That’s what competently-run restaurants do, dear. Given that this is one run by a guy who relies on underpaid temps to do the managing for him to keep his failing business afloat, I kinda doubt it qualifies.
@Baja Gaijin: Depend on experience. Carriers have the best food overall, but but on land it is very hard to beat an NCO mess on an Air Force base for the price/quality ratio.
HTH: Charlie Evens took away Helga’s face! Careful, before he turns you into an iguana, Helga!
@112 Banana Jr. 6000: Thanks. I just copied-and-pasted letters from other speech balloons, like a cheesy 70s crime drama kidnapper creating the ransom note from characters cut from a newspaper.
@113 Horace Broon: on Phantom: Maybe he’s Bob Dole, reincarnated.
@Professor Well Actually: why is Crankshaft allowed anywhere near a barbecue?
The town pays him to drive a school bus. Safety clearly doesn’t rank high on their list, assuming it’s even on the list.
Note use of the word “did”. Mother Goose hasn’t been out shopping in years. You know what this means? They’ve all died but continue to haunt their former domain.
How many layers do we need to peel back to get through to the creamy middle of this glass onion of today’s Familliar Mucus?
1. Big Jeffy is publishing/republishing a comic featuring his fictional(?) alter ego claiming his real(?) mother from his real(?) father albeit in a kids say the darnest things manner.
2.Judging from her eavesdropping smile, Thel is cool with the suggestion.
Two! Two peels to get to the creamy center of a Tootsie Roll™ Familliar Mucus!
Late Thread Cuisine: It’s been a while since we’ve seen this one.
REPRODUCTION 1- LUANN: Say what you will, Broni loves and enjoys Shannon.
REPRODUCTION 2-ZITS: Sex must be pretty miserable for those 13 million men and women who each has twenty STDs.
REPRODUCTION 3-FBOFW: Weed remembers the above health lesson
BF: ex returns to openly being the sulking, skulking teen he never grew out of
BETTY: it’s only other people’s bodies that age
RMMD: Remember, Doug, a Get Out of Debt Free card can be used once only.
DIRTY OLE MEN 1- 6 CX: Why male mudges don’t find this strip funny
DIRTY OLE MEN 2- TINAS G: not advisable to bring dirty laundry to work (use a laundromat)
GA: trying to shed the ten pounds I gained over winter, Ive found having a green salad with rice & beans a couple times a week has been effective. Also switching to fresh fruit in no cal jello for dessert
GT: if the author wanted to make us root for Beth, he’s succeeded.
@Activist: Yeah, forget it. MAKE HER CRY MORE, MOMMA THORP!!!
CS: if this was on any other strip i might be amused but not on Crankshaft. Nope.
@Baja Gaijin: It’s been a while since we’ve seen this one.
True, Carmen Miranda died in 1955.
@Horace Broon: Oh, I’m sure I was. Still, if it is just Tommy and Dawn pulls a bowling ball out of her ass to drop on his foot (‘get away from me you sleaze addict former convict you!!’) I would forgive her much.
@Ukulele Ike: What do you think that curtain of hair across her forehead is there for? The third arm was much harder to hide.
@Activist:
#127 GT: suddenly, that old “meet the parents ” first custom makes sense. Because you’re marrying not a man, but a family
@Activist: “GT: if the author wanted to make us root for Beth, he’s succeeded.”
The marriage will last if Gil helps Beth bury his mother in a shallow grave on the golf course after she shivs the bitch. It can be a new sand feature on the seventh hole.
HtH: Helga’s memory is considerably better than average. Of these three people, she’s the only one who remembers that they’re in a strip about Dark Ages Europe.
JP: “You remember the old Tip Top Diner. It’s the place that burned down right before Ann and I had a falling-out. Before she left, I mean.”
9CL: The cat is distracted from their lovemaking by food, while most of us are put off our food by their lovemaking.
C-Shaft: Naturally, when a black hole opens up in the Funkyverse, everyone wants to be right up on the event horizon.
DT: Dick Tracy hits the street! Namely Sesame Street, where he gives a lesson in the difference between “here” and “there.”
Dustin: Dustdad wants to ship his son off to the military so they can make a man out of him, which is funny (not ha-ha funny, obviously), because Dustdad would collapse into a puddle of goo after three hours of basic training.
GA: Assuming that Walt is still canonically a hundred and umpty-ump and still fought in World War I, I think he’s familiar with the concept of “dieting” because you don’t have any food.
GT: So this meeting is going great. No second thoughts about marrying into the Thorps at all!
MW: Tommy won’t have as much time to stew about Brandy being away when he’s got Dawn’s keys in his eyes.
Phantom: The thing about wearing a full-head alien mask is that it keeps you from looking surprised when your thrall finds a way to depower your gizmo and gut you like a fish.
@Baja Gaijin: I’m not sure that’s real, or spectacular.
@Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: …. the price/quality ratio.
Hang on, sailors PAY for the food? I thought the Napoleon Bonaparte/Adolf Hitler/Doug MacArthur rule was “Take all you want, but eat all you take.”
@Ukulele Ike: I don’t think sailors pay for food on board ship. Dunno about on-land, or the breakdown between enlisted, NCO, and officer pricing.
I just remember when I was an AFROTC cadet and touring an AFB for the first time with my class, we students got sent to the NCO mess for some reason. The commandant of cadets (a major) who was travelling with us half-jokingly told us what a good deal we were getting, as the officer’s mess on base really jacked up the price. I also remember our class clown trying (and failing) to eat $1 worth of NCO food because there was so much of it (1990 prices).
@richardf8: All things considered, I’d rather be a Presbyterian. But maybe that’s just me.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: Presbyterians are just Methodists that went to college.
For that matter, Methodists are just Baptists who wear shoes.
@Anonymous: Because just like how Brad wore her down into dating (and eventually marrying) him, he also wore her down over the idea of having kids so she’s at least now open to trying.
@A Grave Mind: Judging by everything in this strip BESIDES Helga, the year is 1966.
______________________________________________________________
Its an outtake from “Star Trek: Charley X.” Charley removed Helga’s face in the first panel.
@130 Ken: Carmen Miranda died in 1955? Really? I thought she was with us a lot longer, dancing around with a fruit basket on her head.
@136 Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: It’s real. It’s spectacularness is suspect.
@Baja Gaijin: That is spectacular, in a way.
@Baja Gaijin:
Weight Watchers is featuring hot dogs? 1971 (I’m lobbing the mortar) was a long time ago, nu? I choose to believe it comes with a pack of cigarettes? I hope so, cigarettes are even more awesome than hot dogs!
@146 A Grave Mind: Take a gander at the ingredients list below. It’s an interrresting selection of flavors. Broil the hot dogs, then mix the rest of the stuff in a pan, cook it for a while, then toss the dogs in for a few minutes. For whimsy, wrap a couple of sliced wieners around the pineapple core, then top with the pineapple spines. Not quite as whimsical as Heathcliff and his flock of cherubim but hey, it’s edible. In theory.
@Baja Gaijin: Even though I tried to block it from my mind, I remember that dish from before because it was so spectacular. I think I would eat it, with the following changes:
– cooked fresh carrots instead of (shudder) canned,
– omit the curry powder, even if it is only 1/2 teaspoon. I loathe curry.
I also might reduce the cayenne pepper to a dash or even omit it – it doesn’t seem like a lot, but I have to be careful of hot seasoning.
JP: Whatever happened to those girls in Norway? Where is April? The crazy Slavic guy who took the car? Now we’re in a diner? The writers of this strip clearly watched Game of Thrones and decided that the problem with that series was having too few wildly geographically dispersed subplots. They’re determined to do one better.