Outtakes
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Mary Worth, 3/24/12
I’ve recently discovered that people do not always act the way they’re portrayed in Mary Worth, and pass along this helpful comparison chart:
| Mary Worth | Real Life | |
|---|---|---|
| Realization | “I have ruined the life of an innocent man!” | “Wow, that Smithers guy is a drunken lunatic!” |
| Regret | “Why did I tell all those terrible lies about him?” | “Why didn’t I tell the cops he hit me, so I could sue?” |
| Reassessment | “He was a person with a family — not just a career obstacle!” | “My company should be grateful I got him kicked out!” |
| Restitution | “How can I make amends to Dan for this terrible injustice?” | “I deserve a raise, a bigger office, and maybe a company car!” |
| Resolution | “I must reconsider my values and become a better person!” | “I’ve got to start shopping where there aren’t so many derelicts!” |
| Redemption | “I hope Dan can find it in his heart to forgive me!” | “Hey, I better go back and use these coupons before they expire!” |
| Reaching out | Smithers@newhopeshelter.org: SORRY CN WE B FRIENDS? | HotPrez@mycorp.com: UP 4 A NOONER HOW ‘BOUT IT? |
Funky Winkerbean, 3/24/12
Hey, it’s Lo-Def Lisa, nagging Les from the Great Beyond! Les is watching the “official” version, but Lisa recorded a backup just in case things didn’t work out. Let’s listen in:
“You’re probably still stuck at the high school, if Bull hasn’t killed you and none of the girls sued you for making creepy advances. If you’re desperate — I’m sorry, since you’re desperate — you can try to find an admin in the Principal’s office dim enough to fall for your ‘tragic widower’ act. Just don’t ask her to play ‘Lisa dress-up’ until after the wedding, OK?”
“Keep Summer away from that Cory Winkerbean creep — you won’t have enough money for her next rehab if you keep shelling out for abortions. And don’t give me that ‘But my next novel will be a best-seller’ crap, either. Even those tools at Kent State Press won’t fall for that scam a third time.”
“Finally, would it kill you to weed my grave once in a while? I’ve got dandelion roots up what’s left of my nose!”
Gil Thorp, 3/24/12
Plucky catcher Amanda Carey torments Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp with a slow drip of alarming revelations about pitching powerhouse Darby Kiser: “Yeah, she attends an alternative school where they can actually fire underperforming athletic staff! She’s got a kid she hasn’t thrown down the memory hole! And she stole your face and stuck it on that other pitcher! Wait, who are we again? I have no idea what’s going on here!”
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/24/12
No need to imagine an alternate reality in the hellhole that is Hootin’ Holler, where everyday reality is entertainin’ly grim enuf!
— Uncle Lumpy