What happened to Ol’ Bessie, that’s the real story here
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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/20/24
Oh no! In this rustic retelling of Jack and the Beanstalk, Jughaid traded Ol’ Bessie for a handful of beans. The beanstalks grew to the sky in the traditional manner, but there were no gold coins, eggs, or magic harps on offer up there. Deprived of essential amino acids from Bessie’s milk, the Smifs will now die, and Barney Google will at last reclaim his strip.
Hi and Lois, 9/20/24
Chip Flagston, like Alexander Bumstead, is an anti-Dustin, attracting pretty girls without the slightest effort. But in a strip with 1950’s-era family structure, work environment, social mores, and frankly jokes, how does anything here really qualify as “retro”?
Beetle Bailey, 9/20/24
In an vulnerable moment, Sgt. Orville Snorkle is at last ready to let the sun shine into the black pit of shame and anguish that drove him to a half century of verbal abuse, savage beatings, and arbitrary punishment of his subordinate. Beetle is having none of it: this may not be the life he chose, but it’s the one he’s got and he’s not going to change it now. “Things are just fine, Sarge, do you hear me? Fine!
Judge Parker, 9/20/24
Ronnie, you’re the sensible, grounded one, remember? And yet here you are confiding in Neddy Spencer about a self-centered emotionally needy person who is not Neddy Spencer? Sure, you can always talk to her, but God help you trying to get her to listen.
Marvin, 9/20/24
Marvin‘s Jeff Miller gamely steps into Ed Crankshaft’s role now that Ed’s strip is off fighting 1950’s-era censorship or something. Got to admire how deftly he blends Crankshaft‘s negligent arson into Marvin‘s central theme, filth.
Just a reminder that there’s no Comment of the Week on my watch, so 2+2=7’s comment will ride up there for another week or until the math checks out, whichever comes first.
—Uncle Lumpy
34 replies to “What happened to Ol’ Bessie, that’s the real story here”
Beetle Bailey-Dear god no! Don’t tell me Sarge is breaking up with Beetle!
MW-Have you heard of the eternal sleep, Dolly?
BB: Any excuse Sarge will take to both satiate his twisted sexual desires and destroy his liver, he’ll take it.
H&L: Speaking of sexual desires, I would say that the new cheerleading uniforms are trying to quash them but it’s far more likely that most of these students have overlapping genes.
Marvin: Jeff cleans his grill at the same pace that they wipe Marvin’s ass.
MW: On one hand, it’s not like this is a surprise if we’re to believe Dr. See has the same attitude as other veterinarians where if it’s 4:59 pm and a dog comes in limping, she coldly tells them to fuck off because her “me time” is more important than a crippled Labrador.
On the other hand, with how bitchy and self absorbed Estelle’s half assed attempt at wedding planning has made her, I wouldn’t want to go to this dinner party either.
BB: I totally get Beetle’s reluctance. A weepy, soul-baring Sarge would be even more cringey than the usual version.
BB — I call BS–there’s no way that Sarge orders bottles and not drafts. He’s paying for two, don’tcha know
JP. So her relationship with Kat is exactly like her relationship with Neddy, only with Kat there is hot, off camera, girl on girl action? Explain to me again why Neddy is the good guy/protagonist here?
BG&SS:
“But I tell you, Elviney — it’s all vegetation, and no crop yield.”
“No. Don’t say it, Loweezy.”
“Yep. It don’t amount to a hill of beans!”
MW: Eshtelle’s on a collison course with wackiness! And by that I mean she’s going to crash that humongous SUV of hers when Wilbur wanders into the street during one of his ‘Wilburman’ episodes…
JP: So, you thought Neddy was going on an adventure to see the Wonderful Diane Keaton of Declan? PSYCHE!!! This storyline is actually about Neddy sitting in a diner eating plate after plate of fluffy pancakes while Ronnie whines about how horrible her off-panel marriage is! Settle in folks, we’re gonna be here a while…
Luann: Unless that ‘We’re Home’ is Gunther bringing back Bets for some more fully-clothed lying ramrod straight on Gunther’s bed, I think the Evansii forgot that ‘duh Boys’ live in the glorified garden shed in The Grayfather’s backyard.
Hope this is an ok time to slip these in. It’s a short balls week – I’ve been outta town and not surfin’ the Mudges in the office so much.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
I speak Jive
September 13th, 2024 at 9:00 am Reply
FC – Billy would do the same with Jeffy, but Jeffy would just run in circles and then poop in the yard.
Weaselboy
September 15th, 2024 at 5:49 am Reply
MW – Damn, I hope this leads to angry karoke.
Needless Exposition
September 15th, 2024 at 3:22 am Reply
MW: God, Estelle, what did you have for breakfast this morning, Carnation Instant Bitch? You only went to one venue and to one bakery before giving up and complaining that you “can’t do it alone.” Maybe you should have taken a friend with you and brought over some samples for Ed to try…oh, wait, you don’t have any friends. And judging by the way you talk to Ed, it’ll be a real ass pull for you to even have a fiancé by the end of this story.
Barbaric EncomiumsSequiturSeptember 16th, 2024 at 4:09 am Reply
The Family Circus Spanish to English.
“So here’s the deal. You let me swim in the ocean and then you save me as I’m drowning. That’s win-win, right?”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Hibbleton
September 16th, 2024 at 6:52 am Reply
CS: Les’ publicity stunt for the sequel to Lisa’s Story, Fahrenheit 2000, The Story of Lisa’s Cremation, is coming along as planned.
MKay
September 16th, 2024 at 3:06 am Reply
MW: Oh, goody! Here’s hoping Cousin Pam is a real piece of work.
jroggs
September 16th, 2024 at 3:13 am Reply
MW: “What was that fight about, anyway?”
“Oh, you know. Arguing over movies, arguing over whose music to play in the car, she borrowed one of my blouses without asking, I slept with her husband, typical back-and-forth stuff between ladies.”
“Excuse me, what did you say?”
“She borrowed my blouse without asking. You know, come to think of it, I am still a little ticked off about that.”
pugfuggly
September 16th, 2024 at 4:39 am Reply
GT With the entire town under his thumb, Gil finally realizes that he can just jail students for being bad at sports. “That was a terrible fumble, Billy: drop and give me 25 to life!”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Horace Broon
September 16th, 2024 at 10:16 am Reply
FC: I find it genuinely hard to believe Billy has e-mail (I am absolutely certain he doesn’t have a smartphone), which makes me think the intended joke might actually be “Haha, imagine a little kid thinking he has e-mail! E-mail’s for grown-ups!”
Cleveland Mocks
September 17th, 2024 at 5:35 am Reply
MW: Okay, now we see where this is going. At 4:45 on Sunday, Ed will call Estelle to tell her that he can’t make it. There’s an emergency at Generic Animal Hospital over in L.A., and he — and only he — has the skill and nerve to save the patient. In fact, responsibility for assuring the survival of the entire animal kingdom rests on his shoulders, and if you can’t handle that truth, sister, then get yourself some pencil pusher!
Myrtle
September 17th, 2024 at 5:57 am Reply
MW: From Dr. Ed’s lecherous look, he was hoping for some afternoon delights at his place before they got “dressed.” Ed, you really don’t want to see Estelle get “gussied up” – save something for marriage.
I speak Jive
September 17th, 2024 at 6:01 am Reply
Mary Worth – Even Henrietta Beak wouldn’t use the expression “gussy up.”
Liam
September 19th, 2024 at 2:23 am Reply
FC-Claire also looks like a middle aged woman.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
nescio
September 19th, 2024 at 3:12 am Reply
I may have to go out and buy a physical newspaper with Crankshaft just so I can burn it.
Little Guy
September 19th, 2024 at 4:17 am Reply
CS: You got to give Batty credit. You don’t see the spectral figure of Blessed St. Lisa protecting the store, or kicking the arsonist’s ass.
Anyone else who wants a twist to piss on strip canon: we find out the arsonist is Blessed St. Lisa, alive and cured. She’s burning books for…. reasons.
MKay
September 19th, 2024 at 3:51 am Reply
MW: NO, she can’t call another vet! Look at that zealous glow on Ed’s face. He’s gonna be a HERO!
Needless Exposition
September 19th, 2024 at 4:40 am Reply
MW: No, she can’t go to another vet because if Dr. See is to be believed, not a single one of them gives a fuck after working hours and are probably getting plastered at the bar until it’s karaoke time. Because obviously Moy needed to find a flaw and she chose one that ironically makes Ed even more sympathetic than ever and outs our “heroine” Estelle as a self centered bitch.
Hibbleton
September 19th, 2024 at 5:06 am Reply
MW: To further complicate matters, Ed’s own dog is father to the puppies.
“Oh Ed, how could you?”
jroggs
September 19th, 2024 at 5:07 am Reply
MW: “But Estelle, Mitzi Fitz is doing the splits with dilated lady bits and her owner’s throwing snits because she’s a bit of a ditz and she can’t call any other gits because her internet’s on the fritz!”
“Damn it, Ed, I’m at the end of my wits and I don’t give two shits! I’ve had enough, you and I are quits!”
“Aw, man… this is the pits.”
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. gt
September 13th, 2024 at 6:58 am Reply
GT: Fortunately for the Bobcats they were playing sandlot rules. Their qb drew his line with his foot and couldn’t be touched. Unfortunately, he is a bad passer and he was picked off.
69. Baja Gaijin
September 16th, 2024 at 7:22 pm Reply
For putting up with the Estelle and Ed show, I’m ordering Pierre a Wanko Pizza
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
Little Blue Bicycle
September 17th, 2024 at 6:50 am Reply
GT: Fweet! painted on the wall suggests that the indoor facility at juvie is a gift of the wealthy Fweet! family.
MW: Ed’s not making it to the party, is he?
@The Quiet Man: Hey, all we need is Mary getting dinged by a hubcap while on her daily constitutional and we’ve got a hat trick!
CS: Omigosh, Lillian is so brave. There’s no courage like self-awareness of plot armor, and no narrative tension like a two-year advance notice from a flash-forward that Lillian’s store specifically never gets destroyed.
RMMD: Truck hates imposing on others. It’s just not in his nature. Sure, he keeps abusing the generosity of people like Doug the Glenwood Motel manager by staying in his rooms without paying, eating hundreds of dollars worth of food and drink at Wanda’s diner every week also without paying, and having Buck cover his medical bills and provide a multitude of promotional services to reignite his stagnated career with no immediate requests for compensation. But mentioning to someone that his finger kind of hurts that day? Oh, Truck just couldn’t stand to be a burden like that.
JP: More DRAMA! where the alleged events are taking place entirely off-page and the conflict is relayed entirely with one-sided tell-don’t-show storytelling irrelevant to the current plot, to be optionally paid off in the indefinite future when Ronnie tells Neddy that her relationship with Kat has completely broken down and she’s filed for divorce, also entirely off-page. Sorry, I have a great joke about this situation, but I already told it somewhere else earlier and you kind of had to be there.
Luann: Solid effort, Les. But now Gunther’s home and he can put his quantum physics major and rugged manliness to work to actually fix this toilet. (Well, he would, but what will probably happen tomorrow is Gunther will be too busy shrieking at Les for being a fuck-up, and Bets will wander into frame on the last panel saying she fixed the toilet.)
MW: What does Estelle stand to gain from lying about Ed’s absence? Everything. No one’s social standing could survive the blow of the discovery that their significant other is a busy veterinarian.
DT: Two years ago, Dick and Thorin (Moon Governor) had a chat about what Thorin was going to do with Ro-Zan, who had killed Marina and tried to kill Thorin and his family as a precursor to his plan to kill everyone on Earth. Dick recalled the case of the Hy Jacky (a suspect for murder who did no hijacking), where – I’m just going to quote directly from Hy Jacky’s page on the Dick Tracy wiki here – “the Moon Governor threatened to subject Hy Jacky to moon justice (meaning execution without trial).” Thorin affirmed that he had similar intentions for Ro-Zan, grimly declaring, “There is zero tolerance for crime in New Moon Valley.” So you’d think this would mean that Ro-Zan would have been swinging by noon tomorrow with his head on a pike by supper, or at the very least put in some kind of sci fi solitary confinement for life and sent into exile from which he could never possibly return.
Well, now Ro-Zan is on Earth and Thorin knows about it, but his attitude is less “Oh God, Napoleon has escaped Elba and is raising a new army!” and more “I’m sorry my dog got out the front door and took a dump on your lawn.” Clearly moon justice has gotten soft recently, as Ro-Zan’s zero tolerance punishment was neither lasting nor impactful and it’s even slightly implied that he was deliberately released from imprisonment. Thorin is barely even concerned about what Ro-Zan is up to, treating his disappearance as merely an irritating inconvenience of no real urgency.
(On an increasingly unrelated note, I am completely lost about the notion that Ro-Zan is somehow supposed to be real-Lunarian Thorin’s brother and fake-Lunarian Mysta’s uncle. The latter revelation appears to be something Mike Curtis pulled completely out of his ass without thinking and he now very badly wants to pretend that didn’t happen, which might explain the missing conversation between Mysta and the Tracy family about her pre-mutation past as Glenna Ermine. It seems the Dicklovers also don’t know what to make of Ro-Zan either, as they have wiki pages for countless interchangeable one-off bad guys in the series but still no entry for this recurring world-threatening villain.)
Anyway, it’s time for Ro-Zan to answer for his naughtiness, so Diet tells Mysta to bring him up to his office. “Glady!” Mysta replies, nervously misspeaking as she runs off to find Gladys, who will push her Life Alert button and bludgeon Ro-Zan with her purse until first responders arrive to help overpower the literal lunatic and restrain him on a gurney for ease of transport back to Moonville.
MW: Turns out, it was Pam’s dog giving premature birth. “She’s done it to me again! (sob)”
Is there a petition or grassroots movement to change this blog to Uncle Lumpy Reads? Sign me up.
BGSS: Appropriately enough, hill giants live at the top of those beanstalks.
HnL: She had a sudden growth spurt between panels 1 and 2.
BB: Beetle’s right. The more intoxicated Sarge gets, the more likely the beatings will be severe to life-threatening.
JP: “Sorry. What’s that? I was just thinking about my dead parents.”
Marvin: And then the Pulitzer goes to Marvin, and Batiuk pulls his hair out…
As always, thanks very much, Scratchy!
Unlike that selfish pig Ed Harding, you’re never too busy for us!
Frazz: “I saw some nonsense in a book, and now I’m going to just babble incoherently about it.”
Luann: Hilarity enspews.
CS: Even when the inevitable law suits pile up because her bookstore is a deathtrap, Lillian will not close it.
MW: Estelle is supposed to look ridiculous here, right? I’d say that’s the case, but I can never really tell with Karen Moy.
FC: “Shut up, Dolly! That’s how many sleeps you have!”
Zits: I’m waiting for a politician to come by and clean my house. I’d probably vote for that person (and not investigate their views too closely).
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith: Ho ho ho Green Giant [Loweezy and Elsie(? Elsie) are squashed by an enormous green foot. The camera lingers on the shot for some seconds until an unidentified limb twitches]
MW: Fuck off, Estelle.
Beetle Bailey: Lo, how the mighty have fallen…into drinking Coors Banquet from a stubby bottle? Pete’s probably got 36 craft beers and ciders on tap, for goshsake! And you call yourself an alcoholic…
DtM: Ironically, the more edibles Alice takes, the less edible is her chicken.
Hi and Lois – Don’t underestimate the Happy Days fetish crowd. This is paydirt for a lot of people. I’m personally not a fan of the short/tight cheerleader look during the school day. Save it for the sidelines, or the bedroom.
CS: “Shaken, not stirred.” Ha ha, that’s funny! It makes no sense, but it’s funny. Okay, it’s not funny at all. It’s just stupid. Like everything else in this strip.
MW: At 5:30, a snockered Pam slurs loudly, “Hey, Eshtelle, so where’s your *air quotes* fiance? Let me guessh, his *air quotes* emergency is trying to coax a cat out of a tree! No, wait, he’s putting flea powder on a dog! No, wait, he’s trying to avoid you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . . .”
Frazz: Well if it’s an a-hole you want to become, you’re doing a fine job of it.
The creepiest fathers are going to show up at the next board meeting for Chip’s school complaining about how it’s gone “woke” now.
H&L: Who is this unrelated cheerleader Chip is attracting? The face shape, freckles, and non-brunette hair color is worrisome.
BG&SS: I hope there are beans on this garden-variety stalk, and it’s not just a ladder for giants. Otherwise they’d have given away the cow for naught.
I swear to G-d that that redhead has canonically been Chip’s girlfriend for years. I can only think that the strip refuses to name her because it would send their readership into cardiac arrest to learn that girls these days are named things like Ryleigighgheigh instead of like Jane.
JP: So Kat is putting her own needs above those of you as a couple, Ronnie? But how can that be? I thought Kat was supposed to be an actress, not a veterinarian!
Hi and Lois-“Our parents who grew up with skimpy cheerleader outfits have suddenly become pruddish.”
Thanks, Scratchy!