Depressing Tuesday
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Shoe, 7/14/26
I appreciate that this joke could’ve worked fine by just saying that ol’ Uncle Herm was a lousy bowler; but no, we also gotta work in the fact that he was a big drunk as well. It’s nice to see the Perfesser is continuing the family tradition of nephews having a semi-close relationship with their alcoholic uncles. Will Skyler make visits to the graveyard to leave flowers on his tombstone when he dies, an event that, based on his general vibes, always seems imminent?
Dennis the Menace, 7/14/26
“The only motivations other people have for doing things all involve their feelings about me, the main character of reality” is admittedly a pretty menacing attitude to go through life with. You have to hand it to Dennis today, menace-wise!
Pluggers, 7/14/26
“Even the small bits of pleasure pluggers once took in everyday life have been transformed into nagging, painful reminders of their failing bodies.” —Pluggers, the comic strip beloved (???) by pluggers everywhere
53 replies to “Depressing Tuesday”
Shoe:
“Now, because he was also a minimalist, we honored him on his headstone by not reciting (a) his date of birth, (b) his date of death, (c) his last name or (d) any pithy saying or description which purported to sum up his life.”
Crankshat – Eugene wants Loathsome Lil to give him the handy he never got from Lucy. I hope they at least continue this with no dialogue.
Pluggers:
You’re a plugger when your very motion — however tentative and slow-paced — activates a seismograph.
Mary Worth Mashup: I wonder what gem of advice Mary will give to Wilbur?
Questionable Discontent:
If you’d told me even five years ago that Claire would one day become one of the characters I hate most, in any media, I would never have believed you.
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Wary Morth:
A minute? She’ll give you as many minutes as she can suff with muffins and meddling.
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Popeye:
They have been recycling, frame by frame, a plot from the 1970s and trusting nobody to remember.
I remembered.
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Wrecks Moregone:
“Uncle Jimmy – you’re our uncle and your name is Jimmy, and we’re your nieces and our names are Jane and Jean – you’re a scammer who stole the Mirakle Method, which is a scam you ran, by which you made money, but people took it seriously, which we have to remind ourselves, because Wrecks has sucked all the oxygen out of Glenwood and we’re all reduced to amnesiacs without constant exposition. Isn’t that right, Uncle Jimmy? You’re our uncle and your name is…..”
@Baja Gaijin:
Blastings too.
Shoe Love that the tombstone just says ‘HERM’ mainly because it reminds me of one of my favorite Soparnos scenes. Just imagining the Perfesser grimacing and saying ‘”We gotta redo it. Fuckin’ Skyler…he’s dyslexic…”
Pluggers My favorite part of this strip is that the ‘Ow’ is followed by a period, not an exclamation point. There is no shock or surprise in pain anymore, just a sullen acknowledgement that it is always present, and a fading memory of a time when it wasn’t.
@Bob Tice: just one of those things that make you go HERM…
For a Plugger, the spring in his step has been replaced by the winter of discontent.
The bowling alley took Herm’s name off the gutter when he died? Even for the Shoe-verse, that’s cold.
DtM:
“He’s constantly offering advice to me, too, on what kind of lawn to install when I’m old enough to have my own home. He’s always saying to me, ‘Get bent!’ “
Dennis, to Mr. Wilson’s unconcealed rage, regularly invades his very home. But he stays off his lawn. Lawns are sacred.
RMMD: someone remind me why Jimmy is in jail. I don’t think it’s because of his stupid scams. Did he try to murder someone?
DtM: That lawn looks like it needs a good clipping. Maybe if Dennis offered to mow it for good old Mr. Wilson, he might mend some bridges. And at the same time, he could destroy his prized flower garden. Ah, what a menace!
Shoe accompanies his employee to a cemetery to put flowers on the grave of someone he’s never met because…there’s more to this relationship than we’ve been led to believe?
(and why aren’t they perched on the headstones?)
Luann: Next time, Toni, to avoid a swarth of busybodies, get anal lube first, then switch out for the pre-natal vitamins before checkout. Unless you get the Evansiitypical modern goth cashier who will attract attention while trying to count out your change when you use a debit card.
Then again, get shipments by mail and avoid the grocery store.
I suppose it just could be that the tombstone is clearing its throat. (“HERM!”)
MW: Anyone but Wilbur would know that Mary isn’t going to jump on his Drive Tommy Out of Town bandwagon.
H&L: Is the artwork meant to make them look elderly, or like they’ve completely lost the will to live?
LUANN: I’m confused; she ATE wool socks to improve her fertility chances?
SHOE: Well, it’s a sure bet that fun-loving Uncle Herm wouldn’t want FLOWERS on his grave. A bottle or a bowling pin, maybe.
yyRMMD/Phantom/DT: You know, I would have gone for Invicta to break out Rene with drones, like Mumbles and crew in the previous storyline, just to have Rene scam the Morgans out of one single dollar, and Invicta declare over the various socials and streaming services that Rene has global immunity for his actions.
With the maniacal laughing, of course.
Pluggers – Saying “ow” is a reflex that actually acts as a natural pain reliever. Research shows the physical act of vocalizing and the muscular movement involved distract the brain, raising your pain tolerance. THINKING “ow,” is…well, I don’t know what the hell that’s all about.
RMMD: Tomorrow they all turn to the audience and say ‘Everybody got that??’ while glowering.
JP: ‘C’mon Ann, monetizing your personal pain because no one needs your physical or mental labor any more thanks to automation and AI is the new American Way!’
MW: ‘Mary, why does my daughter look like a hideous ape creature with no nose whenever she’s seen straight on?’
Ph: So what, now the drone’s gonna shoot out the little mind-control doohickey like Spiderman shooting a web? I’d love it if they missed and Chatu runs off beyond the reach of Schmelon Schmusk’s vaunted technology and No-mad No-partner turns and says ‘what NOW, genius??’
Luann: Yup, we’re going there… may God have mercy on us all, we’re going there…
Shoe: Aye, where exactly was his name placed? For a bowling drunk bird, there are three possibilities: the hazard next to the venue’s playing surface; the small ditch adjacent to the street in front of the establishment; or the rain diverting structure on the edge of the roof. I should move on and get my mind out of the gutter. Hey, look! Stars!
@MKay: Por qué no los dos?
Self-promotion, because where else would people be interested: If you are on Bluesky, and would like an account dedicated to ranking the amount of quiet desperation in each day’s Hi and Lois, it is now here.
DtM — “Everyone is the menace of his own life story.” John Barth, probably
Shoe: The gutter he’s talking about was the storm drain in the street outside where he went to vomit during his regular benders. The bowling stuff is unrelated.
Dennis: Actually Mr Wilson only has a lawn because the HOA includes strict rules about grass maintenance. The real menace is outdated Eisenhower-era lawncare regulations developed to inflate property prices and make it harder for “undesirable” families (single parents and dual-income families, who lacked the free time for regular mowing, or even just people who couldn’t afford a mower or a gardener) to move into the suburbs.
@MKay: re: Luann – no, no! She’s *gestating* a pile of laundry in a new unholy genetic engineering biological manufacturing scifi process! In about a month she’ll extrude enough socks to sell to feed her family for the winter!
GT Today we have tough competition for who can make the comic more incomprehensible – the artist, with Coach Matinez’ whole family being gradually turned into Quasimodo clones – or the writer who can’t seem to track whether or not Martinez has it in for Gil – is that lighthearted joshing, or a serious insult about the marriage??
Dennis The Menace and his sidekick Girl Gina combating the evil Mr. Cranky…is not the suburban superhero drama I was looking for.
@Pozzo:
Major Hoople’s is nearby, the one that just says “Harrumph!”
@Professor Well Actually: I think he’s in jail for attempted murder. He was certainly in prison seven months after that, but then two months later he was out when he was hit by a car which led to his hospitalization and, apparently, re-incarceration.
Pluggers: Hey, if your kids nicknamed you “Blobalong Cassidy” and changed the station from Fox News to Gunsmoke every time they visited the facility, you’d complain about the hitch in your git along too.
@Professor Well Actually: He tried to push a guy off the side of a cruise ship. Of course, he failed, and legally I have no idea how they’d prove he was trying to push him as opposed to leaping at him to beat him up, so the most he should be in for is attempted battery, but logic has no place here.
Shoe – And Appropriately, he died in the gutter….
DtM – Dennis schemes assaulting George with lawn darts….
Pluggers – A Plugger once had steel in his spine – now it’s lard in his ass. Thanks! Donnie Dump – Miami, FL….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Six Chix – You have only yourself to blame, Stress Position. The ostentatious use of ketchup is payback for you insisting that your hot dog is a sandwich.
Six Chix – “This is a real test of our friendship. Putting relish on your head is your own business, but you’re dressing up that hot dog with the same ketchup you used to do the lettering on my T-shirt!”
Shoe: “Of course, he was a frustrated novelist and probably closeted gay man who beat his wife and lived off the sinecure obtained by his father-in-law, but who’s keeping score?”
CS: Are we going ever to find out what Eugene’s new living arrangements actually are? Or is the story just gonna give us another week of wordless filler and never address it? Right now, it looks like he’s moving in with Lillian. Which would be a strange choice, even by the standards of this world.
If your familiar with ancient Greek Herm statues, you know why the lower portion of the grave isn’t shown in today’s Shoe.
Even Cosmo lacks parents, he was born when Herm spontaneously became an uncle and needed a nephew. Truly it’s asexual reproduction through nephewism all the way down!
Shoe: I love that Uncle Herman’s gravestone just says “HERM,” entirely misunderstanding the purpose of memorials. Meanwhile, on the floor of a bowling alley, next to a gutter where no one can see it, there’s a lovingly crafted plaque dedicated to “Herman Nightjar Fishhawk, bowler, drinker, friend. He always bought the next round, and he loved conspiracy theories so much he married one.”
I have to infer a few things about Herm’s life, but that sounds about right.
“You see, Gina, the first man who, having enclosed a piece of ground, bethought himself of saying ‘This is mine’, and found people simple enough to believe him, was the real founder of civil society. From how many crimes, wars and murders, from how many horrors and misfortunes might not any one have saved mankind, by pulling up the stakes, or filling up the ditch, and crying to his fellows, “Beware of listening to this impostor; you are undone if you once forget that the fruits of the earth belong to us all, and the earth itself to nobody.” Very menacing!
I’m starting to wonder if the creator of Pluggers is in unrelenting pain, and every strip is a cry for help?
Pluggers would benefit from becoming cyborgs, substituting the faulty meaty and bony parts with shiny and efficient metal and plastic. Unfortunately, this is asking too much from people who have problems with QR codes at the restaurant
Pluggers are in constant pain and pray for death.
Shoe: So…he slept in the bowling alley gutter? I don’t get it.
“And what was the deceased’s name?”
“Herman Fishhawk. How much does it cost to engrave on the gravestone?”
“Ten dollars per letter.”
“Herm. His name was Herm.”
***
Dennis knows that lawns are ecological dead zones and he’s pissed that Mr. Wilson doesn’t appreciate how menacing that is.
***
A plugger? Exercising? When cars and golf carts exist? Pshaw!
Dogman Plugger, despite the hitch in his gut-along and his reliance on his cane, still stubbornly insists on taking leisurely walks.
You know, for Pluggers, this is pretty…affirming? Like, “being old and in pain won’t stop Dogman Plugger from doing what he loves.” I, uh, can’t help but respect it. Enjoy your walk, Dogman Plugger.
@Austria: *Git-along. Thanks, autocorrect. I never asked.
@Banana Jr. 6000: What if this is one of Batiuk’s clever ideas — “I will now re-tell the six-week story line we just completed, without dialog!“
@baja gaijin: excellent, the set up – getting Wilbur to step further into her lair.
GT: OK – Gil’s second marriage to a bar tender he met at the annual coaching conference is now the highlight of Milford’s social season covered by Marty Moon and broadcast on public access TV (!?). I didn’t think it was possible but this distortion of reality tops the already poor understanding of how high school sports work in the US.
JP: Ann is slowly thinking the only way out is to edge towards the closet where she has a cricket bat, baseball bat (aluminum for the pleasant “ping”) ready. One tap on Neddy’s nogging should end this line of inquiry.
Crankshaft: tomorrow we’ll see the first few syllables of what Eugene is planning to say. By the end of the week, we’ll see the whole sentence.
Rex Morgan MD: Please have one of the twins whip out a family tree diagram and plot chart.
“Yep, this is where we buried Her. Pity about the typo on the gravestone.”
FC: Future Jeffy introduces his roommates to the concept of “Lucky Pierre.”
H&L: Seeing her future, Lois goes home and tells Hi; “Let’s sell this dump and buy a condo in Palm Springs. Irma will look after the kids.”
Don Abundio, translated:
“My maid takes bubble baths to deal with job stress”
“So what’s the problem?”
“We need an estimate…”
“For a much bigger bathtub!”
Shoe-And now that’s he dead the bowling alley is going to rename the gutter.
MW-“Wilbur, how did you get this number?”
C’shaft: Well, there’s no dialogue, and there’s no dialogue related to Harry and/or Larry Dinkle in particular, so I’ll take it.
DT: That’s…not really computer humor? It’s just a computer terminology acronym?
GT: Oh knock it off! The Milford High gym isn’t Madison Square Garden, and Gil and Beth sure as hell aren’t Travis and Taylor.
Luann: Can’t you at least wait until Toni is actually pregnant before going through all the pregnancy jokes?
MT: Okay, who’s going to end up getting rabies? My bet is the sulky white kid who’s the Goofus to Rusty’s Gallant.
MW: The “Wilbur decides he’s qualified to judge other people based on their failings” part of the plot is so aggravating that it almost distracts from the underlying message of “overcoming addiction is simply a matter of willpower, and if you struggle or even relapse it’s because you’re just not trying hard enough.”
RMMD: There is a way to write “as you know” exposition that isn’t clunky or obvious. This…isn’t it.