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Hey, everybody! I’m back from sunny Tucson (where I met up with Bob Weber, Jr. and a DELIGHTFUL group of readers — pics coming in a bit). I must give props to Uncle Lumpy for his fine filling in, and a huge thanks to everyone who gave money during the pledge drive — you’ll all be receiving individual thank-yous over the next day or two. After catching up on the most crucial storylines (Mary Worth flashback? OH MY GOD I THINK I JUST WET MYSELF) I confronted today’s comics and found nothing but sleaze and personal degradation.

For Better For Worse, 3/10/08

There’s an entire Women’s Studies thesis waiting to be written about the Foobs today. Elizabeth’s abject terror and panic that Anthony will think she’s a two-timing ne’er-do-well would be hilarious if it weren’t so pathetic and queasy-making. The fact that Anthony isn’t being a total douche for once (“Gosh, sorry you’re terrified about being caught alone with a man after sundown … I didn’t realize that this phone could call the 19th century”) just makes it ickier. Presumably Liz will agree to Anthony’s inevitable proposal to “make it up for him,” setting a firm foundation for a future life of quiet desperation and self-loathing.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/10/08

Niki, of course, isn’t a literal whore; no, he’s an ethics whore! You have to admit that there’s something pretty skewed about the moral hoops the strip made him jump through to get his sweet payoff, which, if you haven’t been following, went something like this:

BANK ROBBER: Hey, kid, even though you’re cute and ludicrously clean-cut, I can tell you’re from the streets, like me. Here, take some stolen cash!
NIKI: No way, Mister! Rex Morgan is keeping me on the straight and narrow! [Surreptitiously takes cash anyway. Later…]
NIKI: Rex, I … took some of that stolen cash! I know it was wrong!
REX: It sure was, Niki! Lucky for us, we’re about the freeze to death and can burn it for heat!
SHERIFF: Son, you sure did a great thing by helping catch that bank robber! Here’s some reward money!
NIKI: Sorry, sheriff, I’m wracked with guilt over the stolen cash I stole and then burned! I can’t accept the reward!
ANONYMOUS DONOR: Son, you sure did a great thing by turning down that reward money! Here’s some reward money! Plus a college fund, which is more virtuous than cash, since you’ll just spend the cash on hoodies and hair care products!
NIKI: Wait, Rex, even though it was wrong for me to accept the reward money, is it right for me to accept this meta-reward money?
REX: Who the hell knows? I’ve been drunk for hours!

Panel from Mark Trail, 3/8/08

Yes, Cherry, we know how you like to keep Mark at home! And we’re sure he won’t be going anywhere for … you know, a while …

Mark Trail, 3/10/08

Ha ha, Cherry! Now that Mark has finished up his thrice-annual marital intimacy with you (on a rock, as is his wont), he’s going to head out to “present an award for the magazine,” if you know what I mean! No, wait, this is Mark Trail we’re talking about, I’m sure that just means he’s actually going to present an award for the magazine — presumably getting a plaque from a raven-haired, all-tan-clad outdoorsman is the equivalent to getting a Pulitzer in nature journalism. Anyway, Cherry, you look to be getting along fine with Andy in panel two; you don’t need Mark at all!

Marmaduke, 3/10/08

And speaking of getting along fine with our four-legged friends … wait, you know what? I don’t think I can handle this on my first day back. I think it might be the kind of thing you have to build up to.

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Hey everyone, I know what you’re thinking: “Early comments of the week? Does that mean that Josh is going to be going on another vacation?” Sure does! But for a lucky few, that means you’ll get to meet me in person in Tucson next Friday. I’m going to try to make this a regular part of my travels, so perhaps this will ease the pain of my vacations somewhat. In the mean time, you’ll be in the hands of the inestimable Uncle Lumpy ’till Monday 3/10.

Oh, and before the CsOTW, I do have something for your delectation from faithful reader Andrew Leal: a compilation of the greatest panels from retired Gil Thorp artist Frank McLaughlin:

Ahhhh, takes you back, doesn’t it?

Anyway, here’s this week’s COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Hey, look, Lu Ann! Wolves! Here, let me throw you to them.” –Darkefang

And the runners-up … also hilarious

“Tuesday’s FBoFW is dreadful, in the sense that it genuinely inspires dread.” –Trilobite

“Pray all you want, Frosty, summer’s still coming. AND WITH IT YOUR DOOM.” –Inspector Dim

“When Dee married into the Patterson clan, she became The Human Uterus. She exists solely to incubate, birth, and raise Michael’s spawn, so all her deprecated body functions (abstract thought, aesthetic pleasance) have been steadily degrading ever since.” –commodorejohn

“Shouldn’t [the snowman] be given some clothes to wear before he starts praying? At least Frosty had the decency to put on a hat!” –BigTed

“Yikes. You could stick a cello in Funky’s crotch, and I don’t mean that in a good way.” –gkl

“Maybe Snowman Larry would be happier if he had some GIANT FUCKING GLASSES. You know, like the most striking and easily drawable visual feature of the real Larry King. I understand you can’t draw the smell of Vick’s Vap-o-Rub and cheap hookers, but I think the Keanes could have tried a little bit harder on this caricature.” –The Other Commenter

“‘Belly Laffs’ is truly baffling. Where is this published? in Terrible Joke A Day Weekly? She’s typing, so it appears not to be a comic strip; one has to imagine the joke without the accompanying picture, which, to be fair, would make it easier to ignore.” –Evan

“Snowman Larry King looks kind of beat down. He probably just noticed that Josh has paired him with ‘Belly Laffs’ and realizes there’s something worse than melting.” –kingklash

“It’s the smug smile of satisfaction on Jenny’s face as she ‘writes’ this tripe that gets me. As if she’s sitting there convinced that she’s churning out Pulitzer winning material and is at that moment planning which hideous turtleneck she’ll wear when she accepts the award.” –ConcreteQueen

“A-Train doesn’t seem to mind the intrusions though. He’s too busy trying to impress her with his suave, ‘I know how to purchase a money order’ smile.” –# ar_d

See ya next Monday, everyone! Be nice to your favorite Uncle.