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Apartment 3-G, 3/12/12

“Come on in, Scott! I was just fixing supper. Care to join me?”

“Thanks, Margo. That looks great! I am of course talking about that ill-defined piece of brown vertical furniture behind you. I can’t see any food from where I’m standing.”

“Don’t worry, Scott, I’ll just wave my hand and the table with all the food on it will magically appear behind us! Obviously transporting matter across space like this has some dimension-warping properties, so you may feel some slight discomfort as our heads and limbs change size relative to the rest of our bodies. Don’t worry, the effect is purely temporary. Anyway, supper is just some pasta, spices, and veggies with a fresh loaf of artisanal bread! Even though I was planning on eating alone, I’ve spread all the dishes out across this enormous table because it makes me feel more dominant. Also, I’ll just be eating the pasta out of the pot so I don’t have to wash another dish.”

“I confess, I never pictured you cooking! Usually in my masturbatory fantasies you’re giving me specific orders on how to best service you sexually or just lounging around the house naked. I also confess that I never pictured you with a freaky, elongated neck, but that’s sort of turning me on.”

Pluggers, 3/12/12

It is of course not a surprise that every surface in a plugger’s house is covered with the various pills and salves that they need to live, but I’m a little surprised to see the strip name-check a particular pharmacy chain. Frankly, pluggers always struck me as too canny and cheap to have much brand loyalty. Do you suppose CVS paid for this product placement? If so, I dearly hope that whoever signed off on that decision was fired post-haste for extreme incompetence.

Mary Worth, 3/12/12

Is it possible that poor simple Toby is actually ahead of Mary here? That she knows that Nola is irredeemable, and now is only good for gossip? “Enough of your tiresome bourgeois morality, Mary, what did she divulge? Don’t spare a single juicy detail!”

Beetle Bailey, 3/12/12

Yawn, another Beetle Bailey about how Sarge likes to eat a lot and OH GOD OH GOD HIS MOUTH OH GOD HE IS COMING

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Gil Thorp, 3/9/12

Oh, man, you guys. Oh man. As I’ve noted, the Great Mudlark Tattoo Epidemic has been my favorite Gil Thorp plot in a long time, and while I thought it’s flagged a bit of late, it is really paying off in joy this week! See, not only is Ransom Hale of New Zealand really Rupert Hall of Dayton, Ohio, but his sleazy bootleg DVD business is really a non-sleazy, wholly legal business that involves selling DVDs that were obtained without violating any laws. Let’s just pause a moment to contemplate how delightfully little sense this makes. I mean, surely Milford Ink couldn’t buy even used DVDs in enough bulk to undercut, say, Wal-Mart or Amazon, even if we ignore that labor costs involved in doctoring the boxes; and, of course, I’m pretty sure you can’t buy used DVDs of the latest Twilight movie.

But let’s just hand-wave all that away because if we take it at face value it means that Gil has absolutely no legitimate gripe against Milford Ink. That won’t keep him from using his Army training to bust up the joint and/or make a withering speech that will shame the ne’er-do-wells, of course, but it’s pretty hilarious to see his self-righteous indignation grow with each new non-damning revelation about this faux-seedy business.

Apartment 3-G, 3/9/12

This whole week of Apartment 3-G, in which Rick has been passive-aggressively needling Tommie about her lack of passion for the music business (and, by implication, for him) has failed to arouse any passion in me, for the obvious reasons of, come on, Tommie, zzz. But I do want to point out that Tommie is apparently wearing the world’s only existing set of turtleneck scrubs.

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Hi and Lois and Beetle Bailey, 3/3/12

Ha ha, it’s funny because Hi is flirting with some other lady right in front of his wife, and General Halftrack is reacting to his wife’s attempt to initiate intimacy with undisguised horror! I mean, we get it, entire staff of Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC, you find the prospect of having sex with your wives repulsive, no need to harp on it. (I was originally going to write “sex with your spouses” to cover the possibility that someone working there might be a lady or gay, but then I was thought about the last 30+ years of Beetle Bailey and Hi and Lois and Hagar the Horrible and decided, nope, “wives” it is.)

Apartment 3-G, 3/3/12

Now here’s a couple with a healthy sex life! I almost wrote “a healthy relationship,” but then I remembered their widely divergent attitudes about the child they’re about to have together. At least they still like to get it on! Seriously, I assume that whoever hacked into the servers of the market research company that’s asking newspaper readers about what they want to see in Apartment 3-G and replaced all the survey responses with “PREGO PORN” is one of my readers, and I just want you to know that you’re my hero.