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Mary Worth, 8/29/08

DEAR BELOVED,

GREETINGS! MY NAME IS ELEANOR PATTERSON, THE WIDOW OF JOSEPH PATTERSON, LATE CANADIAN MINISTER OF TRANSPORT, INFRASTRUCTURE AND COMMUNITIES. I HAVE ELECTED TO WRITE TO YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE OF GOOD HEART. PLEASE DO NOT BETRAY MY TRUST, EH?

BEFORE MY HUSBAND PASSED TO BE WITH GOD, HE WAS IN RECIPIENT OF OVER $1.2 MILLION CANADIAN OF FUNDS FOR THE NATIONAL RAILROAD CORPOROTIAN. WE ARE IN NEED TO HAVE THIS MONEY IN AN ACCOUNT IN OUR NAME IN THE UNITED STATES. IF YOU WOULD ALLOW US TO HOLD OUR FUNDS IN YOUR ACCOUNT TEMPORARILY, WE WOULD BE MOST GRACIOUSLY HAPPY AND WOULD ALLOW YOU TO KEEP 10 PERCENT FOR YOUR TROUBLE.

MY NEW SON-IN-LAW IS AN ACCOUNTANT AND WILL MAKE ALL THE NECESSARY ARRANGEMENTS. WE HAVE ALREADY USED A NUMBER OF DONATED SERVICES FOR THE WEDDING TO LAUNDER SOME OF THIS MONEY, BUT THERE IS STILL MUCH MORE TO MAKE LEGAL. IF YOU ARE WILLING TO HELP US IN THIS ENDEVOUR, PLEASE SEND YOUR NAME, SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER TO ANTHONY CAINE, C/O GORDO’S WORLD O’ CARS AND CINNAMON BUNS, MILLBOROUGH, ONTARIO, 83Z YT2. PLEASE DO THIS QUICKLY AND WE WILL THROW IN SOME TIM HORTONS TIMBITS.

GO WITH GOD
ELLIE

Apartment 3-G, 8/29/08

What are we to make of Lu Ann’s two-timing? She has always struck me as too naive and open-hearted to cheat, but maybe she’s also too dumb to even realize what cheating is. “Alan, you don’t understand! Jack was just using his tongue to make sure I didn’t have any cavities in my molars. It’s so much more fun than going to the regular dentist!”

I love that Margo even sasses in her thought balloons. It’s good to keep in practice. I don’t for a minute buy the idea that sunshine could restore her spirits, however. I see her as the type who, when confronted with God’s honest daylight, hisses and covers her face with her hand, then scurries away into the nearest bar.

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Apartment 3-G, 8/26/08

Wait a minute — who is this mousy, bespectacled woman, and what have they done with Sam? Damn it, I’m perfectly comfortable with the idea that Margo is such an awful, terrifying, and desperately sexy boss that she leaves a trail of emotionally shattered personal assistants in her wake, but I at least would have liked to see the quitting scene, full of recrimination and tears and cold, cruel laughter.

I apparently didn’t feature her in any of the strips in my archives, but this woman actually looks an awful lot like one of the cowed servants of the sinister Mr. Eldon, who held Margo captive in his sweatshop in the famous “More zippers, mule!” storyline. I’d like to think that, once she had a few years to get over that whole enslavement thing, she and Eldon got together for a productive talk about management techniques.

Blondie, 8/26/08

Hey, everybody! Did you enjoy the past two weeks of Dagwood sitting in front of the TV and making lame, nonspecific jokes about the Olympics that were obviously written weeks in advance? Then you’re going to love the next two weeks of Dagwood sitting in front of the TV and making lame, nonspecific jokes about the political conventions that were obviously written weeks in advance!

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Apartment 3-G, 8/21/08

Wow, I had always assumed that the Professor was a Professor of some squishy liberal arts discipline, but apparently it turns out that he’s a psychologist or something? And, naturally, now that he’s seeing patients again, it’s important that he cut that beard back to a goatee and bust out the Just For Men, because the last thing you need is a therapist who’s a shaggy old greyhair.

In panel two, the part of Ruby will be played by the severed head of Bette Davis.

Blondie, 8/21/08

“Hey, Dad, wanna hear another crazy idea? Maybe we should move the TV closer to the sofa so I don’t have to watch the Olympics sitting on the God-damned ottoman.”

Gil Thorp, 8/21/08

So, as near as I can tell, the lesson to this Gil Thorp storyline is going to be: “Minor league baseball, with its need for bus rides and farm-seeing, is all well and good if your only other choice is being deported to (gasp!) Mexico, but white kids should totally go to college instead.”

Herb and Jamaal, 8/21/08

Um … did Herb’s wife turn off the kinky as soon as they go hitched? That’s about the only interpretation of this I can come up with. That or she stopped supplying him with heroin.