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An embarrassment of riches in today’s funny pages! I present to you five one-panel short takes.

From Luann, 4/18/05

I dare you to use the phrase “She’s a honey … but you’re sugar” in conversation with someone with whom you’re trying to ingratiate yourself romantically. I dare you.

From Apartment 3-G, 4/18/05

And by “she,” I’m pretty sure she means Margo. “Seriously, I can’t believe they let you in. What are you doing here?”

From Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/18/05

“Why weren’t you invited? Because Buck likes men, June. Real men with cleft chins and tight jeans and thick coats of forearm hair. Now you make sure that thumbsucker is out of my sight and my breakfast is ready by the time I’m back from the tent-pitching, you hear?”

From Mary Worth, 4/18/05

Be careful what you wish for: after three weeks of Mary filing patient reports, you will beg to see Anna and Brian quoting Richard Bach at one another again.

From B.C., 4/18/05

No, but seriously: what the f— oh, why do I even bother?

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Apartment 3-G, 4/11/05

Cruel commentators! Since I see all and know all, it has not escaped my attention that you are ragging on poor Lu Ann about her “stuck in an elevator” excuse. But surely you all are plugged into the news enough to have heard about the Chinese food delivery guy who was stuck in a Bronx elevator for three days? New York City may boast of its world-renown public library, but it only whispers of its deepest shame: its treacherous, innocent-passenger-entrapping elevators, just waiting to devour naïfs from out of town, like the Happy Dragon’s Ming Kung Chen or our own tow-headed Lamaze coach.

Personally speaking, I think that Lu Ann was detained not by mechanical caprice but by the god of Narrative Convenience. Though the question will no doubt be resolved by the time most of you read this, I predict that Lu Ann will arrive at Delivery Room 1 to find one or more of the following:

1. Chuck, holding Mim’s hand, as the underage lovebirds coo Anna-and-Brian style about being a “real family”
2. Chuck’s sister, with a good-sized sack for baby-snatching convenience
3. Mim’s mom, with a bible and a gun
4. Margo, desperately looking around for something to vomit into

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Apartment 3-G, 3/31/05

Generous? Generous? For the love of God, no!