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Archive: Archie

155

Cyber Monday

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Lockhorns, 3/16/26

Every once in a while the Lockhorns will deviate from their usual laser focus on Leroy and Loretta’s mutual antagonism and just do a “Ha ha, Leroy is a doofus” panel, and honestly I don’t care for it. At least this one includes Loretta looking at her husband with an expression of absolute despair, as she reflects upon exactly what type of man she chose to spend the balance of her adult life with.

Archie, 3/16/26

I was a pretty obsessive Archie Comics reader as a kid, but nevertheless there are bits of Archieverse lore that I’ve learned from the twentysomething-year-old newspaper strips currently in reruns. I don’t think I knew that Reggie was the editor of the student newspaper, for instance, nor that he was that classic type of late ’90s/early ’00s tech guy who had the skills to create an interactive website in the Web 1.0 era but was also obsessive about online privacy.

Crankshaft, 3/16/26

“Anyway, the one week I did it on the computer was last week, and it turns out computers are amazing. I’m definitely selling this drawing board, for a lot of money!”

174

She really “felts the clods,” if you know what I mean

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/12/26

Oh, I didn’t mention that the Hollywood starlet turned recluse turned runaway in the current Rex Morgan, M.D., storyline was named “Lorna Starr” — because she used to be a star, GET IT???? — but now, in order to go incognito in her new, roots-country-forward community, she’s going by “Mae Mae Clodfelter.” I guess this is supposed to be her actual name, or maybe she’s just decided to go by the most country name she can think of? Either way, I think even in a town where guys named “Buck” and “Truck” and “Mud Mountain Murphy” walk the streets, people are going to think that’s a bit much.

Archie, 3/12/26

I genuinely appreciate the attention the artist has lavished on the breasts of the young woman on the Andrews’ new plasma TV. The whole context lets us know that Archie’s dad really is extremely focused on this latest advance in television technology, and unlike his son doesn’t experience horniness for even a fleeting second.

Hi and Lois, 3/12/26

“OK, well, where did you get this huge bookshelf? Didn’t this used to be in the living room?”

154

Who needs the TV show to experience a dark, gritty Riverdale

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Hi and Lois, 3/9/26

Happy Monday, everyone! It’s another week and another entry in what’s quickly becoming my favorite genre in the comics: Hi and Lois muses melancholy on a single, ephemeral moment and forgets to deliver a punchline. “Isn’t this what the groundhog predicted?” Hi says, barely audible — but that’s fine, as he isn’t really talking to Lois anyway. “Isn’t it true that none of us can bend Fate to our liking?”

Archie, 3/9/26

Archie is traditionally a happy-go-lucky guy who rarely experiences distress deeper than some minor romantic slight at the hands of one of his two beautiful girlfriends. I’m not saying I like the fact that he’s experiencing some sort of profound mental disturbance right now, but at least it adds a little depth to his character.

Mary Worth, 3/9/26

Oh wow. Oh wow. Exactly the wrong thing to say, Harvey. Mary was going to try to gently guide you away from your current troubles by means of her judicious advice. But now? Now she’ll simply watch impassively as you let your sexual urges and romantic vanity override your good sense and lose everything, until you’ve sent your last bitcoin and abruptly stop receiving blatantly AI-generated photos of a twentysomething gal with a huge rack, until you need to take the bus down to the pawn shop to hock your only remaining cravat. You’ll look up and shout “Save me!” and she’ll look down and whisper “No.”