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Archie, 1/19/14

Today’s Archie is a fascinating look at the ways in which our lives are structured by the financial and emotional transactions we conduct with one another. Archie and Veronica both recognize the significance of his offer to perform unpaid labor on her behalf — even though, in her case, the only people who are being helped in practice by his gallantry are the Lodge family retainers, who presumably draw their salary no matter how much work they do on any given day. And yet generous and specific gestures aren’t the only components of an intimate life; there’s also the intangible qualities of just spending time together, as Reggie understands, to his benefit. In fact, this scenario immediately made me curious: does Reggie have the upper hand in reading this situation because he, like Veronica, is part of Riverdale’s leisured class? A quick search on Google proved that I wasn’t the only one wondering:

According to Comic Vine, Reggie is “medium rich,” a formulation that I find refreshingly frank. Reggie’s family probably refers to themselves as “upper middle class.” Let’s all support Comic Vine in its quest to establish a new, more honest vocabulary for America’s economic structure!

Judge Parker, 1/19/14

Speaking of rich people, here’s Judge Parker Senior fooling around with a deadly boa constrictor. “Ha ha, I’m a best-selling author, pillar of the community, and multimillionaire! This snake wouldn’t dare strangle me!”

Funky Winkerbean, 1/19/14

I can’t remember the details at the moment, but that park bench has Special Significance to Les and Dead Lisa — I think he proposed there, or she told him she had cancer there, or all of the above? It’s depressing, whatever it is, obviously. The question: is the bench Les’s permanent phone background wallpaper, which would explain why Cayla looks so emotionally numb in panel four, or does it just appear when Summer calls, which would explain why she’s so full of rage and frustration that she can’t fully explain?

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Crankshaft, 1/13/14

One of Crankshaft’s beloved/tiresome running gags is “Lena’s snack food is extremely poorly prepared and thus largely inedible,” but I don’t particularly remember her coffee being a punchline before. At first I thought it was the same gag, but note that Mary is taking another deep swig even after having spun into pin-eyed freakout mode in panel one. Clearly, while Lena’s brownies are dangerously unchewable, Lena’s coffee is dangerously addictive, with only a single sip of the pure stuff capable of turning you into a mindless junkie, drinking huge gulps even as your mind turns to mush.

Blondie, 1/13/14

Boy, Dagwood looks awful cheery for a guy who knows he’s going to die at five o’clock today! One can only assume that he has this attitude because he’s chosen this death; probably it will take the form of a spectacularly gory and public suicide capping off a killing spree in the office he hates so much. But as a final fuck-you to his employer, he’s going to dick around on the Internet on the company’s dime all day before he murders everybody.

Archie, 1/13/14

Mr. Weatherbee’s thousand-yard stare in panel two is the proper result of sudden, terrible knowledge: he realizes that we are well into the second generation of food’s transformation from a craft to commodity. Soon nobody left alive will remember a meal that was formed by your own hands or the hands of someone you loved. Whether or not we have any particularly fond memories of family dinners from our childhood, the marketing construct of “Just like mom used to make!” is so embedded in our brains that we’ll repeat it to each other endlessly as we scarf down machine-shaped corn byproduct extrusions dusted with MSG flavor crystals.

Apartment 3-G, 1/13/14

I’m not sure what’s sadder: that Margo doesn’t know anything about Tommie’s car situation, despite the fact that she’s her roommate and ostensibly one of her closest friends, or that Tommie thinks she can drive to England to see her fiance.

Slylock Fox, 1/13/14

Oh my God … that Footprints Jesus poster … it’s really a crime scene

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Mark Trail, 1/4/14

It’s been a weird short week, what with New Year’s Day being right in the middle of it and much of the northeast U.S. getting snowed in Friday, but that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to relax and enjoy our weekend! And what better way to relax than to settle in with some crazy Mark Trail violence, with Mark and Jeff battling it out in waist- and/or thigh-deep water, surrounded by angry hornets. “I’m going to end this now, Jeff!” Mark declares, because he’s had his fun and is now going to unleash his “special” punch, the one that leaves punchees sullen and supine but otherwise unharmed.

Spider-Man, 1/4/14

Speaking of violence, here’s Spider-Man being handily defeated by Iron Man’s roboticized leftover armor, which everyone is calling “Manbot” for some hilarious reason. It is of course not at all surprising to see our hero being humiliated in a super-powered battle, but it is kind of impressive that he can’t even defeat a jerry-rigged robot operated by remote control by someone who can’t even see what’s happening and is getting all his information about the battle second hand.

Archie, 1/4/14

Wow, Pop, I know self-promotion is a must for any small businessman, but I think going around with an apron boasting that you’re literally the best is a bit showy. The food processor joke in panel one was a little forced, and normally I wouldn’t quibble about it but you are claiming to be the best, so we’re going to hold you to a higher standard.

Apartment 3-G, 1/4/14

Hey, you know what would be cool and visually interesting? To see a close-up of Tommie’s picture of her perfect, handsome fiance! Or, you know, we could just see the same three ladies in the second panel who we saw in the first panel, only standing in a slightly different sequence, with Tommie magically holding a tiny blank square on the tip of her finger, that’ll work too.