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Hi and Lois, 2/24/23

Welp, I guess we all knew this day — the day when Dot and Ditto from Hi and Lois stand in the middle of the street staring at a relatively realistically drawn mangled squirrel corpse, making terrible puns with vaguely philosophical expressions on their faces — was coming, eventually. We knew we’d be looking at some poor little rodent with cartoonish Xs for eyes and a tire tread across its smashed gut, and wondering how we got here. But I at least thought we had more time to prepare.

Dennis the Menace, 2/24/23

Ha ha, it’s funny because the Wilsons are some of the last bio-humans left alive after some kind of cybernetic uprising! For some reason, these AI intelligences have chosen not to eliminate George and Martha, but instead pester them to death with irritating fees, possibly because Dennis himself designed their algorithms to create Mr. Wilson’s personal living hell, achieving maximum menace even at the expense of his own life.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/24/23

“And you can’t even begin to imagine the depths of her contempt for me!”

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Dustin, 2/22/23

Is a hot dog a sandwich? This question bubbled up from the bowels of the web in 2013, certainly a more innocent time for online discourse, before crossing over into the mainstream the next year, with discussion in The Guardian and a ruling that hot dogs and sandwiches are two different things from beloved friend of the blog Judge John Hodgman. Now, Dustin is a fundamentally middle-of-the-road institution that takes great pains to not offend anyone (other than young people, who are correctly assumed to not read newspaper comic strips), so it can’t stake out a position on such a controversial issue, but it wil venture to ask questions in a similar vein: are different kinds of sandwiches sandwiches? Yes, says Dustin, because a category can contain smaller and more specific categories. We hope you have found today’s strip insightful and amusing!

Dick Tracy, 2/22/23

Sure, that’s an awkwardly worded headline, but you have to understand that in Neo-Chicago newsworthy incidents that do not result in multiple horrible and disfiguring injuries are extremely rare, so you have to put the most important and interesting thing right at the beginning of the sentence.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/22/23

I can’t decide if this joke was written by someone who is blissfully unaware of “ha ha, hillbillies are all inbred” jokes, or by someone who is extremely aware of them and leaning way in because nobody cares about newspaper comic strips any more, God is dead so do as you will, etc.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith and Blondie, 2/14/23

One strip you could write off, but two? That’s a trend. Folks, if you didn’t get your beloved a slab of heart-shaped meat for Valentine’s Day this year, you need to think about what you did wrong and get ahead of the game in planning a meat-tastic 2/14/24. (Note: please only use a cut of meat shaped like a cartoon heart, not an actual animal or human heart, as that would be disgusting.)

Gil Thorp, 2/14/23

Speaking of romance, we last saw the Thorps holding onto their marriage for dear life despite obstacles like Mimi’s flirtatious golf coach. This Valentine’s Day, they’re going to revive their relationship the only way they know how: by trying to have sex as airliners come screaming in for a landing directly above them every four to nine minutes.

Beetle Bailey, 2/14/23

Ha ha, yes, it’s funny that Otto doesn’t want to smell Beetle’s socks, but I do want to point that there are generally only two circumstances where we have dogs try to figure out where people are, and those are “on the run from the law” and “probably dead.”

Mary Worth, 2/14/23

“I’m shopping! Just like you! Yep, exchanging money for goods and services sure is the name of the game, here in America!”