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Beetle Bailey, 6/24/2008

Otto’s prayer: “Let me be anything — or nothing — but not Marmaduke.”

The Phantom, 6/24/2008

Disoriented and blinded by fear, Diana prepares to shoot her husband.

B.C., 6/24/2008

Wait — what?

Funky Winkerbean, 6/24/2008

Canton, Akron — next up on Boondoggles of Northeast Ohio: the Tod Engine Heritage Park — a Mechanical and Materials Engineering Landmark!

Mary Worth, 6/24/2008

Apparently, mere public humiliation doesn’t satisfy Dr. Jeff — and like everybody in this strip, he’s decided to just phone it in.

Crankshaft, 6/24/2008

Trash and Pain — the Crankshaft Family Album.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 5/28/08

Oh my goodness, could this Dr. Jeff-Mary battle of wills turn to violence? That’s what’s everyone’s asking, based on the weird slappy-slapping going in panel two of today’s Mary Worth. But I think the real answer is found in the good doctor’s face in that same panel. Look at him. He looks terrible. Like his will to live is gone. Like every ounce of his life force is being sucked out of his body by some kind of malevolent demon-beast. I think the energy lines radiating from the star-crossed lovers’ hands in panel two actually represent Mary resorting to her ultimate weapon: her ability, granted by her dark lord Satan, to damage and ultimately destroy a human’s soul with a mere touch. That’s what killed Donna Amalfi, all the better to create emotional carrion for Mary to swoop down and feast upon. And that’s what’s weakened Dr. Jeff to the point where all he can do is feebly deploy the “stop dwelling on the past!” defense. Jeff: GET OUT NOW. On your hands and knees if you have to, but don’t let her touch your skin if you want to live.

Beetle Bailey, 5/28/08

Blips and Buxley’s banter is nonsensical and annoying, but at least Gizmo, who’s wearing his headphones, doesn’t have to hear any of it. We should all be so lucky.

Crankshaft, 5/28/08

Phrase I would have rather gone my whole life without seeing in print: “Crankshaft’s body”.

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Judge Parker, 5/27/08

It’s good to see that, even after the sexification of the formerly dorky and prepubescent Sophie, there’s still one constant in her personality: the obvious intelligence gap between her and her parents, and the sense of disgust it instills in her. I love her look of sneering contempt in the second panel. “Jeez, my mother, the accidental dope fiend. LOOO-SER!”

Beetle Bailey, 5/27/08

Thank God World War II is over; if every movie depicting that conflict I’ve ever seen is accurate, at some point Killer would have gotten separated from his unit (presumably after sneaking off to romance some French ladies, or perhaps some French trees). Making his way back to American lines, he would have been confronted by unfamiliar infantrymen who would have demanded that he prove his Yankee status by the one surefire method available: by naming the winners of the past few World Series. The part of his brain normally dedicated to sports trivia having been long been redeployed to work on the arts of seduction, he’d be unable to answer, and would no doubt be summarily executed as a Nazi spy.

Dennis the Menace, 5/27/08

That apple is poisoned, obviously.