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Dustin, 12/7/22

If you had asked me before today, I would have said with some conviction that Blondie and Dustin both fell into the category of “comics I read every day but do not particularly like.” Nevertheless, the past couple days have provided me with some surprising information about the nuances of my opinions: I think Elmo-only strips are a violation of the Bumstead-centered narrative unity of the Blondieverse, whereas Dustin strips in which the Dustin family doesn’t appear, and instead the only recurring character is the weird little neighbor kid Dustin is inappropriately friends with? Sure, go nuts, doesn’t bother me a bit. Oh, do you want to do a joke with him talking to a mall Santa, but the joke only makes sense if the guy is actually Santa, throwing things into further narrative confusion? I already told you I don’t give a shit and this won’t change my position on shit-giving, sorry.

Blondie, 12/7/22

Speaking of Blondie and liking or not liking things, one thing I do like about this strip is that Dagwood and his mailman genuinely do not like each other. The mailman is absolutely justified, of course, as Dagwood repeatedly flings open the door and runs into him at full speed on the way to his carpool, scattering mail everywhere. I’m not sure what Dagwood’s beef is, but his animus is fairly clear.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/7/22

Ah, yes, we’ve hit the Wall Of Text phase of this time travel exposition dump, as we learn that the time travel business is apparently responsible for the weird Crankshaft/Funky Winkerbean chronological discontinuity that’s exercised so many of our best minds over the past decade. Our future janitor is also proving that knowing how to control the timestream doesn’t mean you know everything; if he thinks that Summer is basically done writing her book now that she’s decided what she wants to write about and has taken some preliminary notes, I would like to refer him to the three years it took for me to get from my Kickstarter to my novel, and also refer to him to the experience of everyone else in human history who’s ever written a book.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/7/22

Good news for everyone who plays by the rules, everyone! Remember Wanda, the comely diner waitress who was shamelessly flirting with Mud? Well, now she’s going to make herself sexually available to Truck, as his reward for doing the music business “the right way” (i.e., he doesn’t pretend to shit his pants on stage but also doesn’t make any money). Who’s the loser now, Mud?

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Blondie, 12/5/22

Look, I’ve grudgingly accepted that Elmo, a child to whom the Bumstead family is not related but who nevertheless just kind of hangs out at their house a lot, is a major recurring character in Blondie. But what I will not accept is jokes that are only about Elmo and his life, rather than jokes in which Elmo mainly exists to create opportunities for Dagwood to obsess about food or remark negatively about the kids today and their phones or whatever. You hear me? Nobody wants this. Nobody wants to open the comics pages in 10 years and check out the Sunday installment of Blondie and her Husband Dagwood’s Pal Elmo and think “Gee, Dagwood and Blondie haven’t been in this strip in a while now, have they?” So let’s just put the brakes on this right now.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/5/22

Funky Winkerbean continues to hurl towards its end point in which we learn that Summer was the product of a multi-generational time-travel program designed to cause her to transforms the world with her book about Westview. To that end, the janitor from the future ensured that her parents would reconnect at a high-school reunion. Future history was almost shattered when Les tried out one of the most dumb and convoluted jokes this strip has ever seen, but don’t worry, Lisa liked that sort of thing, I guess. Also, since Lisa only existed to birth Summer into existence, we can all feel better about her tragic death: she fulfilled her destiny and honestly ensuring that Summer had a mopey (and occasionally literally) haunted childhood would help push her towards a writer’s life, rather than becoming dangerously happy and well-adjusted.

Gil Thorp, 12/5/22

As the big game gets started on the field, Marty solemnly flips an AA chip on his own in his beloved wooden crate press box. Do you think Marty or Kaz or any of them ever bother asking Marty how he’s doing, how his recovery is going, whether they can ever be a source of strength or help to him? I doubt it. But he’s just going to keep calling the plays like he sees them, doing the best he can, one day at a time.

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Blondie, 12/1/22

I have to admit I find it interesting how Dagwood and Mr. Dithers silo off different types of interactions in their relationship. At the workplace, of course, it’s all falling asleep and emotional abuse. But a heartfelt, man-to-man discussion about their marriages and what makes them tick? That’s reserved for the formal dinners at white tablecloth restaurants that they have with alarming regularity for no reason anyone can fathom or explain.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/1/22

The general store is Hootin’ Holler’s only tenuous contact with the outside world and its money-based economic system, so you can forgive the locals for assuming that, if any new-fangled thing they hear rumors about ever arrives in the Holler, it will do so by manifesting on Silas’s shelves.

Six Chix, 12/1/22

Part of my job as a comics curmudgeon is to point out when a truly baffling Six Chix is truly baffling in a fun way. This is one of them! Sorry, I don’t make the rules, it just is. Ha ha, she bought a long blue wig and doesn’t know why!