Archive: Blondie

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Blondie, 3/14/24

Dagwood Bumstead’s inhumanly vast appetite is so well known that it obscures one of his other unnatural qualities — namely, his ability to nap anywhere, at any time. As a middle-aged man like Dagwood, every time I see him in his traditional couch-sleeping position I think about how I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with my knees bent up like that for more than few minutes, let alone the hours we’re supposed understand he spends snoozing. Normally he’s in that position because his couch is too short for him to stretch out, so it actually really bothers me that his imagination can’t summon up a couch long enough to fit him, Beetle, and Garfield alike, even thought I know the reason why (the reason is clip art). Thankfully, this base level of annoyance is stopping me from trying mentally rotate Beetle into a position that would demonstrate how very much not the same size he and Dagwood are.

Hagar the Horrible, 3/14/24

Look at the bear’s face! It’s not “dancing” at all. Any bear-themed entertainment aimed at an audience of bloodthirsty Vikings is absolutely going to end with the bear eviscerating its poor “dance partner,” just like the “dancing school” Hagar attended was actually the Viking war band that plundered half of Europe, where he learned his skills in the “dance” of combat before killing his chieftain and taking his place.

Pardon My Planet, 3/14/24

I guess I can imagine that some people who showed up to an advertised “slugfest” would be disappointed if the fighters were not ordinary human beings, but rather freakish ten-foot-long slug-beasts of a kind unknown to science. But I think most of them would be OK with it.

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Gasoline Alley, 3/7/24

Man, here’s a story of our modern world for ya: You head down to City Hall, because they’re trying to rename your town, because of woke, and you wanna give those politicians what-for, but then you end up running into some dumb rustic who’s banging the mayor and he wastes your time with a bunch of “Why do we drive on a parkway but park in the driveway” bullshit. Eventually you get annoyed and give up and go home. This is why ordinary people don’t want to get involved in our civic institutions anymore!

Family Circus, 3/7/24

Obviously the joke here is that this is a bug and Jeffy is too stupid to realize it, but I do like that they just drew it as a featureless black dot. It’s like we’re seeing through his eyes! Maybe his universe really is unravelling around him! What a glorious day that would be, for all of us.

Blondie, 3/7/24

Today’s Blondie features two teenagers hanging out and playing video games, an extremely normal scenario that I am absolutely flabbergasted actually appeared in a legacy newspaper comic strip. I think I may actually have to go lay down somewhere.

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Blondie, 3/6/24

Personally, I think the best way to celebrate National Dentists’ Day would be to simply to go to the dentist for your twice annual cleaning! Which Dagwood has already done, so he’s way ahead of the game. And maybe you should take some time to congratulate them on their special day, but that would require knowing about it in advance, and sadly that ship has sailed for Dagwood already. Apparently he doesn’t have the calendar with all the obscure/fake holidays in it like the Blondie creative team has!

Mark Trail, 3/6/24

A lot of people complain about new-look Mark Trail, and while I’ve been accepting of certain changes, like the stubble, I absolutely cannot abide newly millennial Mark trying to tell us honest, hard-working real Americans we shouldn’t eat horses! Horsemeat made America what it is today, and the fact that the “woke mob” has come for the delicious, juicy horseburgers we all enjoy grilling up before the Big Game is a sad commentary on society.

Mary Worth, 3/6/24

Look, Mary, you have got to stop talking about Keith Hillend. Nobody cares! The only interesting thing about him is the fact that he lied about being Sonia’s dad, and you’re not privy to that information so it’s not like you can dish out the hot goss. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but have you considered asking Jeff about how his day is going or something like that?