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Blondie, 3/6/20

This strip is, in its own way, heartbreaking to me. When Dagwood hears about this fellow’s food-themed brood of nephews and nieces, he doesn’t think, “Wow, my co-worker’s brother sounds like a kindred spirit! Maybe I should reach out to this guy on Facebook, and we could be friends, connected by our common interest in — nay, obsession with –food!” But no, all Dagwood does is imagine ways that he could imitate or rival this man, apparently forgetting that he’s already named his daughter “Cookie.” Anyway, his neglect of human connection explains why his ostensible “best friend” is some guy who happens to live next door, whose relationship with Dagwood is mostly defined by the two of them refusing to return tools they’ve borrowed from one another and who was last seen trying to kill Dagwood with his car.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/6/20

Ha ha, can you imagine dong a whole week of non-jokes where the “joke” is that you keep putting off the actual joke, which, when it arrives, is almost guaranteed to not be funny? I guess the reason for having the janitor in the foreground in every strip is to emphasize that this is all straight-up garbage.

Family Circus, 3/6/20

OUTDATED THEOLOGICAL CONUNDRUM: Why does a loving God let bad things happen to good people?

MODERN, UP-TO-DATE THEOLOGICAL CONUNDRUM: When Jesus told us to love our neighbors, did he not know that our neighbors fuckin’ suck?

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Blondie, 3/3/20

So … if I’m understanding all the motion lines and stuff correctly, Herb is driving his car at full speed in reverse up the street, and everyone in the carpool is watching Dagwood run as fast as he can towards them, seemingly unable to stop despite the look of justified dread on his face? “It’s like our own Dag reality show!” says Herb, right before the rear bumper slams into Dagwood and shatters his pelvis.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/3/20

Shoutout to Funky Winkerbean for including a panel of an utterly dead-eyed janitor pushing his broom up the hallway as Harry natters on about squirrels. Apparently the “joke” of the strip, which is about how much of a squirrel’s frenetic survival-related activity ultimately goes for naught, wasn’t grim enough, so we needed to be reminded that someone in close proximity to our characters was well and truly miserable.

Mary Worth, 3/3/20

Jared Jared no you are being way too enthusiastic about this

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Mary Worth, 2/20/20

So it’s been established that Dawn and Jared haven’t actually seen each other for two years in in-universe time, but Jared’s clearly ready to just jump right back into their relationship as it was, which is to say that he’ll hint very broadly and transparently that he wants to sleep with her and she’ll refuse to acknowledge it. Normally trying to interpret the tone of voice the random bolding in Mary Worth represents is a fruitless task, but I sincerely hope that Dawn here is responding to Jared telling her she’s “looking great” by shouting “I’m missing my BOYFRIEND in FRANCE” as loudly as she possibly can.

Blondie, 2/20/20

It bothers me so much that Dagwood’s interlocutor drops his son’s name in panel one and it never becomes relevant to the joke at all. If you’re trying to do just a general slam on Kids Today with their Phones And Such, you should at least spell it “Jaxon.” Instead, I’m forced to assume this strip is meant as a dig against a specific Jackson in the joke writer’s real life, proving once again that syndicated newspaper comics may have lost their cultural relevance, but they’re still great as a venue where you can air out your petty beefs.

Six Chix, 2/20/20

I’m pretty sure most people would refer to getting up in the middle of the night to have a light meal as a “midnight snack.” “Night eating” sounds clinically detached and honestly horrifying, like something an alien anthropologist would include in its report back to its homeworld on the strange behavior of planet “Earth”‘s dominant species. What I’m trying to say is that if Six Chix was trying to come up with a phrase that made “nunch” sound appealing in comparison, then congrats, they pulled it off.

Mark Trail, 2/20/20

“Or maybe, because we’re apparently about to leave with all camping gear, climbing equipment, sherpa guides, and medical supplies, leaving Harvey, a diabetic amputee, alone on a Himalayan mountainside, he’ll die of exposure in fairly short order. Who’s to say? Life is a mystery!”