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Shoe, 1/5/18

Say what you will about Shoe, but you have to admit that the strip really nails what it would look like if an anthropomorphic bird-man were suffering from crushing depression and just slouched down in a chair for hours too close to a TV showing awful programs that said bird-man despised but didn’t have the energy or self-respect to stop watching. The fact that this position makes it extra obvious that he’s wearing a suit jacket, shirt, shoes, and socks (leg warmers?) but no pants is an added bonus!

Blondie, 1/5/18

Call me a prude, but I don’t think Blondie and Dagwood should be doing weird sex stuff in front of their kids.

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Mary Worth, 12/15/17

I am as always extremely here for Mary’s consistent “age ain’t nothin’ but a number” attitude about the Zak-Iris romance. It is of course all the more hilariously deployed in reaction to Toby’s gender-normative discomfort, since her transformation from hipster Greenwich Village artist to bored California trophy wife and occasional sculptor of hideous animal-blobs began when she as a mere lass was swept off her feet by a drunken, late-middle-aged Ian. Anyway, Mary’s drive-by shaming of Toby’s hypocrisy is great, but I hope the real point of all this becomes clear when one of the hunky fortysomething venture capitalists investing in Zak’s dumb video game company comes calling and Mary’s like “Dr. Jeff? I don’t know anybody by that name!”

Gil Thorp, 12/15/17

Gil Thorp is by definition a comic strip that’s heavily invested in high school athletics, and I guess we’ve finally got to the point of this football season’s storyline, which is that, sure, sometimes promising young men play football and get concussions that turn their brains into goo, but what if they love playing football, and what about loyalty, discipline, and hard work, and what are the other options, huh? Some dork with a goatee trying to strongarm you into becoming a YouTube singing sensation??? This feminized PC culture makes me sick.

Mark Trail, 12/15/17

OK, fine, if we’re not going to get an extended storyline where Mark and Johnny actually perform a wildlife census, at least let us flash back to that time Mark got stranded in the Great Plains without any food and had to survive by making “prairie dog tacos.”

Blondie, 12/15/17

As Christmas approaches, please let’s remember the real reason for the season: goosing sales in order to shore up the collapsing retail sector by offering no-interest loans to an already over-indebted populace!

Six Chix, 12/15/17

hey this is a metaphor for the current housing affordability crisis but if you take it to its logical conclusion all those pricey new homes are made from human flesh OK enjoy your weekend everybody

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Dick Tracy, 12/7/17

Oh, hey, so it turns out that the smoking alien from a few months back was the Moon Governor, returning to Earth to find his daughter, who is actually this flower-themed gangster’s daughter who’s been surgically and mentally altered and I was going to find the links for these plot points but it all just makes me tired, you guys. Anyway, like all terrifying emissaries of extraplanetary governments, the Moon Governor has chosen to take a meeting in a coffee shop. The best, most hilarious part is that this mostly humanoid alien appears to have put on a hat to disguise himself but then had to cut holes in the hat for the antennae that are the one visible feature that distinguishes him from Earthlings.

Beetle Bailey, 12/7/17

Ha ha, can you imagine if you sliced Sarge open and discovered that he was just an outer layer of Sarge-meat wrapped around a human child, and then you sliced that child open to discover that it was just a flesh-shell with an awful demon from the depths of hell at its core? It’s definitely going to be fun thinking about this nightmare turducken of humanity and supernatural evil for the rest of the day!

Blondie, 12/7/17

You definitely have to admire the sheer force of Mr. Dithers’ personality. Even in mug form, it’s so overwhelming that it’s forced the entire Bumstead family to retreat to the other side of the room.