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B.C., 12/16/11

A “bachelor party,” when brought up within a modern pseudo-humorous narrative, is invariably a euphemism for tawdry, regrettable erotic escapades. (This is not always true in real life; I’m sure yours was classy and not at all actionable.) Thus, I’m going to go ahead and assume that the bachelor ant here is planning on saddling this grasshopper as a prelude to some gross inter-species insect sex stuff. Whatever, let him have his fun, ants are one of those species where the males die right after mating, right? I was going to look that up, but I’ve never liked the ant characters in B.C. so I’m just going to go ahead and assume that it’s true.

Crankshaft, 12/16/11

I’m not sure why, but I find the retreating back of our Christmas Tree proprietor deeply unnerving. Maybe it’s the look of genuine horror on Crankshaft’s granddaughters face. It seems like he’s slowly and deliberately going to fetch his ax, and then, as predicted, he’s going take his payment in limbs.

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Crankshaft, 12/15/11

This would just be yet another Crankshaft in which the title character sits on the couch silently while the TV makes a terrible, terrible joke at him, if not for the carefully rendered expression of pure, incandescent rage on his face in that final panel. I mean, really, Crankshaft is always on the spectrum between dyspeptic and pissed off, but this looks like he’s finally snapped. It’s hard to say why, exactly — maybe he knows that he’s naughty and doesn’t want to be lumped in with the terrorists, maybe he’s insulted that the local news has stooped to this level of holiday jocularity, maybe he’s just finally worked out the grand conspiracy that everyone in the world is in on together, against him — but I’m assuming that he’s on the verge of filling his school bus with guns and ammunition and driving straight into a police station, just to see what’ll happen.

Family Circus, 12/15/11

Dolly is playing here with the lyrics to “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town,” lyrics that, if you live in the United States and have left your house to enter a retail establishment of any sort in the past three weeks, I’m assuming you have running unbidden through your brain. Still, I kind of wish that the Family Circus scheduling computer had accidentally spat out this panel sometime in June. If you read it then, you’d probably assume that Dolly is just enforcing false joyfulness on general principles and has had enough of PJ’s sullen, rebel-without-a-cause attitude, because in this house we sit up straight and smile even if we’re not happy, mister.

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Spider-Man, 12/7/11

I’ve been staring at MJ’s hair for a long time now trying to figure out what exactly is so wrong with it. Is the back of her skull now disproportionately bulbous? Is her ponytail just sort of sticking out of a huge, matted mass that’s starting to border on white-girl dreadlocks? Whatever it is, Peter can now get over the fact that he’s been emasculated by his wife’s high salary. “Ha, Mary Jane may be the main breadwinner in this family, but at least my hair doesn’t look like that.”

Actually, MJ may soon be the family’s sole breadwinner, seeing as Peter has overslept on his first day of work.

Family Circus, 12/7/11

There are so many delicious reasons for Daddy to look depressed here that I can’t settle on my favorite! Is he sad because he wanted to play the hero and deliver on Billy’s extravagant gift desires, only to have the kid go over his head to his mother? Is he sad because Billy has figured out that there is no Santa Claus, and more to the point that his parents are cheap bastards who would never be able to fulfill his Christmas wishes? Is he sad because work is his refuge from his family, but today’s he’s going to have to spend precious moments scanning and emailing Billy’s gift list, time could be spent more pleasantly on spreadsheets and such? Is he sad because in all likelihood this is a recycled panel from the ’80s in which Billy originally wanted him to fax the list to grandma, and he realizes that he’s doomed to repeat the same dumb gags forever with only the technology updated every decade or so?

Crankshaft, 12/7/11

Crankshaft, meanwhile, is sad because he has to pay for medical services! I can’t wait to see how sad he’ll be when he finds out he has prostate cancer.