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Mary Worth, 11/2/11

OMG MARY JUST GO PICK-POCKETED RIGHT THERE IN HER ELEGANT LUNCHING ESTABLISHMENT!! Look at these thugs, with their futuristic whited-out glasses and leather vests and knitted belts and man-necklaces! We all know what that ensemble means: Filthy thieving hippies. Brazen ones too: it looks like after they purloined Mary’s wallet, they walked right around Mary and Toby’s table rather than scurrying off in the other direction, to get the kicks that hard drugs no longer provide.

Sadly, this probably means that there will be no pool party for us, as Mary will be far too busy filing police reports and canceling her credit cards to engage in any such frivolity.

Apartment 3-G, 11/2/11

Every once in a while you realize that the only reason that Lu Ann and Margo have managed to survive this long as roommates is because they function on such entirely different levels that they don’t actually understand what they’re saying to each other. For instance, Margo uses the phrase “bridge-and-tunnel man” to refer to a guy into a certain sexual act so perverse that even she finds it mildly distasteful.

B.C., 11/2/11

Say what you will about Apartment 3-G’s weirdly New Jersey-focused romance plot, but it has yet to indulge in a single Jersey Shore gag.

Crankshaft, 11/2/11

It used to be that you could say, “Crankshaft may be a miserable, hateful human being who will soon die alone and unloved, as he deserves, but at least we’re never forced to contemplate what sort of ugly and pathetic libidinous impulses lurk below his crusty, misanthropic surface.” Used to be.

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Funky Winkerbean, 10/31/11

All those scolds who are stoking moral panic about video games ought to come by Comic Book Store John’s comic book store and see how wrong they are! John’s been playing “Family Circus: The Video Game” for eleven hours straight now, and he isn’t exhibiting any aggressive behavior at all. Instead, he’s mostly just slouching, staring ahead glassy-eyed, and quietly offering vague, dyspeptic observations to actual humans who pass through his peripheral vision over the course of his gaming-trance.

Crankshaft, 10/31/11

I’m sort of perversely proud of myself for not being entirely sure of what anybody’s name in Crankshaft is, other than Crankshaft. Jeff? Is Jeff the terminally anxious ’Shaft son-in-law? Anyway, his typically anxious expression really makes this strip for me. In the easiest version of this gag, the smug suburban adult would be leaning against the door frame, smirking at the kids due to their ignorance of the expense of adulthood. But Jeff seems genuinely concerned that little children don’t know how terrifying it is to be responsible for your own finances. “You kids are living in a fantasy world!” his face seems to say. “The sooner you realize that life is a never-ending series of goals that you almost but can’t quite reach, the better! Please, join me in the responsible adult world of constant low-level panic, for your own good!”

Mark Trail, 10/31/11

Since I assume that no human anywhere has ever referred to his or her actual mother as “Mother [his or her own last name],” I am beginning to suspect that Mother McQueen is not Mountie McQueen’s mother at all, but rather the matriarch of his mysterious bible-banding nature cult, all of whose members are allowed (and required) to take the “McQueen” surname after their first successful capture and banding of a goose. This explains why she’s so quick to prevent him from gunning down Mark and the others in cold blood: because he doesn’t have the authority to do so. Remember, Doug, only the Presiding Reverend of the One Holy Apostolic Reformed Free-Will Church of the Bible Band has the power of life and death here in The Valley, just as only she can arrange marriages and dictate clothing colors!

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Click the banner to contribute and receive a Commemorative Comics Curmudgeon Bible Bird Band! Details here.

The geese are coming home to roost! Today is the last day of the Fall Fundraiser. Bands will still be available for late or mailed donations, but this is the final reminder. If you’ve already contributed, thank you — your band is on its way. And if you haven’t yet, consider what the comics would be like without the unique perspective The Comics Curmudgeon offers every day. Now isn’t that worth a couple bucks? You bet! And seriously, do you really want to spend the rest of your entire life without a Mark Trail-themed Bible Bird Band?

Marmaduke, 10/14/11

Eva, wistful in her drindl, dreams of a second chance for the Thousand-Year Reich.

Crankshaft, 10/14/11

At the risk of horning in on Mary Worth territory, here’s a page from Uncle Lumpy’s Guide for the Young in Love:

Proposals:

• Proposals must be made in person, or by telephone or video chat only if the matter is urgent and a face-to-face meeting is impossible. Billboards, faxes, scoreboards, and above all letters are unacceptable means of soliciting a lifelong commitment — there is simply too much opportunity for error or misunderstanding, and no chance to correct such quickly when they occur.
• The person who makes a proposal is within his or her rights to demand an answer, which must also be made in person as above. “Yes” and “No” are the traditional alternatives, although “I need to think about it”, “Why can’t we just go on like this?”, and “Oh, baby, oh, oh, oh!” are acceptable variants of the latter.
• As a corollary to the above, under no circumstances should “No answer” be accepted by either party as the basis for ending a desired relationship.

Eugene, Lucy — this is not romantic, touching, or poignant. It is stupid, and you two deserve exactly what you got.

Spider-Man, 10/14/11

You know, it occurs to me that I’ve neglected Spider-Man this week. It felt great, and I’m gonna keep it up.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/14/11

Loweezy is disappointed with her copy of Lisa’s Story: the Other Shoe: why hasn’t anybody shot Les yet, and what in tarnation are these “shoe” things, anyway?

Fundraiser update

Bible Bird Bands are now arriving by the gaggle — and that’s a lot! Don’t delay: make a generous donation of any amount, and get your very own. And when you receive it, don’t forget to send Josh a picture at bio@jfruh.com. And to faithful readers throughout South America, Africa, and Asia — time to step up, folks:

GOOSETRAX (full details and Privacy Policy here.)

Comics Curmudgeon Bible Birds are winging their way to faithful readers worldwide!

Mark Trail’s Greatest Hits – a Fall Fundraiser special, part 5

Mark Trail — 5/14, 11/18, 11/21, 12/14, and 12/23/09

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s exciting conclusion of Mark Trail’s Greatest Hits!

— Uncle Lumpy