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Spider-Man, 7/2/09

After a few terrifying and disorienting days in which super-powered characters were locked in something resembling combat, Spider-Man has returned to its more reassuringly typical fare of whining and overblown anxiety. Like many a disappointed visitor, Wolverine is discovering that there are literally only two entertainment options in New York: feeding pigeons or seeing plays featuring the stars of direct-to-DVD superheroine films.

Meanwhile, Spidey is worried about Wolverine discovering that he’s married to Mary Jane for reasons that he can’t even bring himself to speak aloud as he web-slings his way aimlessly through Manhattan. Honest question, from someone less conversant in the superhero genre than you might think: do superheroes need to hide their secret identities even from … each other? I mean, did Superman and Batman hang around the Justice League and Batman would say, “You know what really bugs me? The liberal media! Like, have you read that Clark Kent guy? He’s so obviously biased!” and then Superman would say “Well, what about that jerk Bruce Wayne? Inherited all that money and is he doing anything worthwhile with it? He’s probably putting most of it into overseas tax dodges!” That all just seems awkward.

On the other hand, Spidey may just be worried that Wolverine will figure things out, and after seeing MJ’s latest wooden, unlikable performance, think, “Geez, Spider-Man married that no-talent hack? I think so much less of him now!” Don’t worry, Spidey: he can’t possibly think any less of you than he already does.

Apartment 3-G, 7/2/09

OK, Nora, we know it’s a woman’s prerogative to tweak her both the style and color of her hair on a whim, and normally I’d say that I like what those highlights are doing for you. But look, hair is literally the only way we have to tell Apartment 3-G characters apart, and so when a single character goes from a Marilyn Quayle flip to something short and spunky to this shaggy number with bangs here, it makes it hard for us readers to get our grip. Please, the men are already a lost cause; don’t encourage the women to become wholly unrecognizable as well!

Crankshaft, 7/2/09

Aww, did someone’s editor finally get a complaint from the syndicate’s legal department about his main character’s pyromaniacal tendencies? I think that, rather than annoy us with this pissy, passive-aggressive caption, the strip should have taught us a valuable lesson by showing us the consequences of violence, particularly if those consequences include the horrible, hateful Crankshaft being blinded, or at least losing a hand.

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Crankshaft, 6/20/09

I’m not saying that old people should be allowed to make their own life choices and do things that their kids might find unconventional or embarrassing … oh, wait wait, it turns out that’s exactly what I’m saying. I mean, obviously there are any number of health reasons not to smoke, but with today’s strip we learn that the Crank-in-laws are just mainly focused on stopping Grandma Rose from ever humiliating them by doing anything that they wouldn’t, with “having fun” being high on the list.

On the other hand, they may be worried that she’ll interpret “tramp stamp” according to the idiom of her own time, and will be enraged at granddaughter’s suggestion that she get some kind of government license to live as an itinerant vagrant.

Marmaduke, 6/20/09

“Oh, and in totally unrelated news, they still haven’t caught that serial killer who’s been murdering and dismembering picnickers down at the park.”

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Herb and Jamaal and Crankshaft, 6/5/09

I admit to regularly being irritated at or contemptuous towards Herb and Jamaal, but until today I don’t think I’ve ever been just outright puzzled. The stumbling point to me is that the strip appears to actually have two jokes in it — and this is not a feature that can spare the punchlines, if you get my drift. The first bit of ostensibly humorous material is that our Heart and Soul patron needs a “drink,” and so he orders … root beer, haw haw, it’s because, I don’t know, it’s unexpected? He’s young and/or a teetotaler? Anyway, once that bombshell’s been delivered, we still have two panels left to go, so we’ll wrap up with a “two heads are better than one” joke, which must only be conveyed via thought balloon, because it would be unrealistic for such a mind-blowingly hilarious bit to be actually spoken aloud. (Ordering a beverage with lots of foam on top is, of course, totally realistic.) All I can figure is that the root beer was originally supposed to be actual beer, but the fuddy-duddies at the syndicate balked at the notion of an adult attempting to relieve stress by consuming a wholly legal mild intoxicant. Won’t somebody think of the children?

Crankshaft, meanwhile, delivers the old lady laughs, as Grandma Rose attempts to use another wholly legal mild intoxicant to while away the time until the blessed release of death (and perhaps even speed up the process). Everyone else in the cast will love this, because it allows them to express judgmental horror, which is pretty much their entire reason for existence. I look forward to coming months when, already bored with smoking, Rose makes Ed drive her downtown to score some smack.

Marvin, 6/5/09

Let me tell you something: if this becomes some sort of Belly Laffs– or CrySpace-style multi-day epic, there will be consequences. At least we’ll be able to look forward to whatever cutesy name they come up with for it. My suggestion: “Poopin’ in a bowl!”