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Apartment 3-G, 4/23/09

It’s obvious that Tommie, the most passive of the three 3-G girls, isn’t going to fight or think her way out her current contretemps with three-time Creepy, Dangerous Father Of The Year winner Joe Kelly. Today, the contours of her rescue by braver souls are taking shape. First, Ruby will blind the not-so-good doctor by throwing toxic cleaning agents into his eyes; then, when he falls to the floor in pain, Margo will beat him to death with her umbrella.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/23/09

Hootin’ Holler’s only clergyman is a greedy fraud, so it should come as no surprise that the religious educational level of the shantytown’s children is in such a low state.

Crankshaft, 4/23/09

The guardians of baseball’s integrity have failed to stem the tide of substance-driven cheating with arguments such as “Cheating violates the integrity of baseball!” and “Using performance-enhancing drugs will harm your health!” As a result, they’re breaking out the heavy artillery. “Do you know who cheats at baseball? Do you? Dirty, filthy communists, that’s who!”

Crock, 4/23/09

The Lost Patrol has been wandering in the desert for years now with only each other for company, so it’s really no surprise that all four of them have herpes at this point. But it’s still kind of awkward to bring up, dude.

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Hey, Uncle Lumpy did a great job filling in and now I’m back, and you know what that means … an extremely late post! More thank yous in the coming-soon comments-of-the-week metapost, but first let’s get Monday’s comics out of the way.

Crankshaft, 4/20/09

So last week it looked like Crankshaft and minor league baseball racial pioneer/fellow old coot Jefferson Jacks were going to talk some sense into a promising young pitcher who was considering using steroids, a plot torn from the headlines of brittle, yellowing newspapers from two or three years ago. I was kind of looking forward to seeing Jacks (who, if I’m not mistaken, was created last year solely to shame this same spoiled pitcher with his tale of racial prejudice overcome) talk about how all these juiced up ’roid cases are ruining the game, which had its glory days defined by a generation of humble, hard-working heroes who were tweaked out of their minds on meth.

However, I hadn’t counted on Crankshaft’s dedication to total authenticity in storytelling. The strip really wants us to understand what it’s like to be yelled at by an angry, loopy octogenarian, and so the dementia-ravaged Jacks loses sight of his original point and instead launches into some insane tale of playing baseball against the nascent Cuban revolutionary government. Soon we will learn that Jacks’ cheating led directly to the overthrow of Batista’s benevolent democracy, or that Castro maintained his iron grip on power over the decades only because he was juiced up, or something similarly bizarre and inappropriate.

Hi and Lois, 4/20/09

Speaking of old people, I’m a bit concerned that the Nostalgia Channel appears to actually be shouting “FATHER KNOWS BEST” at its viewers. I wonder if the channel’s name is to be taken literally, and rather than actually rebroadcasting the shows (the rights to which are expensive), it just features senior citizens reminiscing fondly and overloudly about them. “FATHER KNOWS BEST! Now that was a good show … oh, wait, am I thinking of My Three Sons?”

Apartment 3-G, 4/20/09

You know, being on vacation is fun and all, but I really miss little moments like this. Ha ha, you work that elbow, Tommie! You elbow the hell out of him!

Your boyfriend is totally creepy, though. He’s right about that.

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For many of us, the past six months have been a little rough. If the Comics Curmudgeon helped smooth things out, why not return the favor?



To contribute by PayPal® or credit card, click the banner. To send cash, check, fruitcake or loose gemstones, reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net for the address. Either way, thank you!

Why would any comic strip merely amuse or entertain its readers, when it could Speak Out on Important Concerns of Today’s Youth — who will totally not laugh at pathetic attempts to imitate their slang! Word up? For sha-zizzle, bros — and brosettes!

Crankshaft, 4/16/09

Hey, kids — don’t cheat! Because cheating cheats you and the game — and that helps the game win! You love the game, don’t you? Of course you do — that’s why you want it to win! And if that means you have to lose, well, suck it up! Get on the damn juice — for the sake of the game! Um, wait a minute; I’m a little confused here. Weren’t we supposed to have a flashback or something? CUE THE DAMN FLASHBACK!

Curtis, 4/16/09

Hey, kids — be true to yourselves, and all your dreams will come true. Of course, they’ll probably come true for somebody else — somebody whose idea of “true to himself” involves shameless ass-kissing.

Mark Trail, 4/16/09

Hey, kids — don’t smoke! And don’t become criminals! But if you do become criminals — really, really stupid criminals — don’t go out for an all-afternoon fishing trip without your smokes, because that is not how addiction works. At least do something right, fer Chrissake!

Spider-Man, 4/16/09

Hey, kids — do you know what to do in the event of an electrical fire? Do you:

• Stop it with a rubber mat? NO! — It will just bat the mat away — like a foul ball!
• Douse it with water? NO! — Water won’t douse an electrical fire — loser!
• Dress it up in a ridiculous spiky outfit? NO! — Electrical fires have no shame, and will appear in public thus garbed!
• Stop it with a can of sand? NO! — I pan your can of sand, my man — electric fires withstand such plans!
• Perhaps if I employed a bucket? NO! — and watch your damn mouth, kid!
• Well, what if I call Spider-Man? OK, you’re just messing with me now.

Zippy the Pinhead, 4/16/09

Well, maybe not “Slim Jim.” But we’re with you the rest of the way, pal.

What the hell is wrong with these people? — an occasional feature!

Edge City, 4/6, 9, 10, 14, 15, 16/09

What the hell is wrong with these people?

— Uncle Lumpy