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Judge Parker, 12/16/15

I don’t know why, but I can’t stop giggling at the phrase “died tragically in a Mexican jungle.” I know there are several noncontiguous rainforest areas in Mexico, but “a Mexican jungle” just sounds hilariously cagey. “You know, one of the jungles they have down there. Whatever the most murder-y jungle is, I forget the name. Probably it’s in Spanish or Mayan or something. The important thing is that he’s dead, and not at all living in our newly fortified guesthouse, OK?”

Momma, 12/16/15

I also can’t stop giggling at today’s Momma, mostly the part where Jim is erotically fixated on Tonya’s sexy, frilly hemline. Jim seems to like a gal who shows some calf, MaryLou, so you shouldn’t be dressing in plaid pants like some kind of prude if you want to maintain “squatter’s rights.” You know, squatter’s rights? Like, sex … squatting? Is that a thing? Distasteful as this is, at least this strip has stumbled away from accidental incest jokes.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/16/15

I think when Mason Jarr was first introduced as a character, back when they were going to make Les’s Lisa book into a terrible made-for-cable movie, he was presented as some dumb washed-up actor, but then he stuck around and generally became more sympathetic and also was supposed to have a somewhat higher-profiled career, I think? Anyway, that career is now over because he’s going to move to a depressing, economically dead town in Ohio with his wife! Funky and Holly are 100% correct to be completely gobsmacked by this.

Crankshaft, 12/16/15

Meanwhile, over in the “fun” Funkyverse strip, Crankshaft is supplementing his meager pay with a Santa Claus gig, and he has a tech-savvy elf named … Twitter! Get it, Twitter? The same name as the popular Internet website? Mercy!

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Blondie, 11/30/15

This strip has made a genuine attempt to plaster the Postal Service’s current stylized eagle head logo on everyone’s uniforms and various other surfaces, although the effect is somewhat ruined by the colorist’s choice to make it bright yellow — did they think it was a metal buckle or something? Anyway, I don’t know if it’s meant to be just off-model enough so as not to infringe on trademarks, or if the colorist error has botched a genuine symbol of partnership between the Postal Service and the Blondie creative team, but either way I very much would like to see Dagwood and his damn sandwiches wiped out forever by a drone-fired missile, thanks.

Mary Worth, 11/30/15

OK, so, technically NYC & Company is “New York City’s official marketing, tourism and partnership organization” rather than a government agency per se, but its spending still ought to be scrutinized, and I for one very much doubt that paying King Features to have Mary Worth and a neglected psychic child tour New York’s best known museums will really see a solid return on investment.

Gasoline Alley, 11/30/15

Reading this, at first I was like, “Ugh, I certainly hope the future children of today’s children aren’t still using jpeg files when they grow up,” but the file format is already more than 20 years old, so who knows, really? But you and I both know that neither “Mrs. Lopez” nor the actual Gasoline Alley creative team knows what exactly a jpeg is, and we should all brace ourselves for days — maybe weeks? — of this strip explaining why computers are bad and today’s students need to learn valuable scrapbooking skills in order to compete in the modern economy.

Crankshaft and Funky Winkerbean, 11/30/15

Oh, hey, I hadn’t really noticed this before, but I guess … Christmastime is the season for intra-Funkyverse crossovers? Like last year, when the Funky Winkerbean crew reflected fondly about how Crankshaft is a monstrous dick to children, or the year before, when he caught sight of the vegetative husk that is his Funky Winkerbean-era future? A holiday bowling tournament seems to have less opportunity for grimness, but, you know, never count these strips out in that regard. They’ll find a way. Oh, yes, they’ll find a way.

Heathcliff, 11/30/15

In a desperate attempt to one-up a certain other orange comics cat that thinks he has a monopoly on unpleasant Mondays, Heathcliff is about to embark on a futile attempt to outrun a pelting rain of bird shit.

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Mark Trail, 11/13/15

This game of cat-and-mouse has gone on long enough. Mark and Ken lurked in the bushes and let the bad guys empty the clips of their machine guns harmlessly into other bushes; now, the punching can begin. Mark graciously allows Ken first punch, and it’s a doozy: a flying leap that catches two bad guys at once, sending their sunglasses and now-useless firearms flying. Kudos to the anonymous colorist for accurately recognizing that arc of liquid coming from the left-hand bad guy’s mouth and making it blood red! Anyway, if this is what Ken has to offer, surely Mark’s punchery is going to be even more impressive.

Curtis, 11/13/15

When Curtis launched in 1988, it totally made cultural sense for Curtis to be a huge fan of rap music and for his dad to hate it. Now, nearly 30 years later, thanks to comics time this is not so much the case: it seems unlikely that Greg, the father of two young children, is much older than 45 or so, which would have made him a teenager himself during the age of old-school hip-hop. Anyway, the matter of Greg’s age has been left more or less untouched for most of the strip, which is why it’s all the more shocking to learn that one of his first-ever crushes co-existed with the age of web browsing, which would certainly make him younger … than … me? Oh my God I’m older than Curtis’s dad

Crankshaft, 11/13/15

I can’t say I’m the biggest fan of our post-9/11 surveillance state, but if Crankshaft just accidentally watched an al-Qaeda video and is now on some government watchlist that will get him extremely thoroughly searched every time he flies anywhere, I’m not gonna complain.

Blondie, 11/13/15

JULIUS C. DITHERS: BRONY