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Having had a sudden fit of boredom with being mean, I’ve decided to try to be nice today.

Archie, 1/24/08

I like Archie’s scarf! I would actually wear that design in real life. Plus the way it hangs on him looks pretty realistic!

Curtis, 1/24/08

I like the casual way Curtis flicks his coat across the room. At first it kind of looks like a hospital gown or something, with the seam up the back! But no, that’s just because the momentum made the sleeves bend backwards. Again, good realism!

Judger Parker, 1/24/08

I like Sam’s facial expression in the third panel. “Lawyer I don’t have to pay … ka-ching … lawyer whose picture I can put into advertisements with accompanying copy that reads ‘USE OUR LEGAL SERVICES OR THIS LEGLESS VET WILL STARVE’ … ka-ching …”

Mary Worth, 1/24/08

I like that Drew seems to be hilariously interpreting the cutting-edge catchphrase “talk to the hand” literally in panel one. I like that Drew seems to believe that the key to true emotional commitment is to have one partner take care of all the intimate talk for both people in the relationship. I like the bright orange donuts, or bagels, or whatever, sitting in the display case a regulation two inches apart…

…I don’t think I’ve really gotten the hang of this “being nice” thing.

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Curtis, 1/2/08

The Curtis annual Kwayzee Kwanzaa digression never disappoints. Never. This year, we have the tale of a master thief, who stole a water buffalo’s hide while she was bathing (did you know that water buffalos are people inside their hides? It’s true!), then married and impregnated her, only to earn the wrath of a two-headed poisonous snake by stealing its eggs. Really! And now the snake has done something awful to the buffalo lady, probably changed her unborn buffalo-human hybrid baby into some kind of three-way buffalo-human-two-headed-snake hybrid, and a valuable lesson will be learned, namely: don’t do mescaline, kids. I hate to say it, but the whole thing make Hanukkah look kind of boring. Did the Maccabees ever transform into animals, or marry animals, or anything? Can we get a deuterocanonical rewrite here?

Gil Thorp, 1/2/08

We saw last week that Andrew is exactly the sort of quick-witted sharpie who might actually recognize a double-entendre like “We’re not huge — but you don’t have to be if you’re talented” when he sees it, and might enjoy trying to slip it past an obviously hungover Marty Moon. We’ll be looking forward to hearing more ribald quips from this hatchet-faced wunderkind once he starts talking about “the Bucket.”

Marvin, 1/2/08

His medicine cabinet … and his bloodstream. Those heavy lids and eyebags indicate that Grandpa has been so doped up by the pharmaceutical-industrial complex that he can barely stand up straight. The saddest thing is that this strip is taking place at two in the afternoon, and he’s just managed to lift his head off of his drool-soaked pillow long enough to shamble into the bathroom and get another fix.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 1/2/08

If my record-keeping is on track, then “Bob Bennett” is actually faithful reader benro, who apparently goes to a doctor’s office frequented by vomiting fetishists. Bonus Scadutoism: “Woopee”.

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For Better Or For Worse and They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/18/07

Just to show how deeply the FOOB hooks have sunk into all of our hearts, I’d like to confess that, like several commentors, I was doing the math in my head yesterday when April said that there’d be 14 guests at the Christmas Patterbash. Who would the extra two be? Today we learn that they’ll be Deanna’s parents, which I am quite frankly very pleased about. Deanna’s mother may be awful and hateful, but there will be nobody for that hate to be focused on except her in-laws, and that can only be a good thing. Her constant harping and barely passive aggression should up the chance of someone getting punched in the face, and I’m going to need to hold on to that possibility if I’m going to make it through this.

Deanna may be pleased now about how much help she’ll be getting from her guests in the food prep department, but today’s TDIET holds a clue to her inevitable post-party future. The glassy-eyed Deanna-bot will no doubt be grimly polishing the dishes long into the evening, as Mike teaches the kids how to break things, or, more likely, hides in his attic office, staring at the computer screen and indulging in an inner monologue in which self-doubt provides a thin veneer for self-aggrandizing.

(Bonus Scadutoism: “Reunionite.”)

Apartment 3-G, 12/18/07

Directions Eric could be going with this:

• “Look, Margo, it’s been fun having sex with you and all, but this is pretty much where I start making excuses for not seeing you.”
• “It’s just that … having seen the horror of my parents’ marriage … I just don’t know if I can ever truly … commit myself …” (Note: May be cover story for previous bullet point.)
• “Oh, you’re from a dysfunctional family too? And have never learned to express feelings in any kind of healthy way either? Well, we’re perfect for each other then!”
• “Margo, what I’m trying to say is that you remind me of my mother. And my mother is fucking terrifying.”

Curtis, 12/18/07

Despite my Curmudgeonly status, I must give props to even those corny jokes that give me little guffaws of joy, and the image that Curtis offers today — of snowflakes that are really tiny elf turds — definitely did that. I might feel differently the next time it snows and I’m unable to get the image out of my head. I also like the way Curtis is rooting around the branches of the Christmas tree, looking for anything even remotely edible to cram down his insatiable gullet.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/18/07

Dear Funky Winkerbean:

Ahem.

A “SOLO CAR DATE” IS NOT A REAL THING THAT ANYONE ACTUALLY SAYS. REPEATING IT OVER AND OVER WILL NOT MAKE IT A REAL THING THAT ANYONE ACTUALLY SAYS.

I thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
The Comics Curmudgeon

Archie, 12/18/07

“To be honest, though, I think a lot of people are just stopping by his booth to stare at his crotch.”