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Archive: Dennis the Menace

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It doesn’t get less menacing than globe-measuring

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Heathcliff, 1/25/16

I’ve lived in Los Angeles for a bit more than a year now, and so far my biggest celebrity sightings have been Sam Rockwell and Paul Dano, which pretty much matches my level, I think? My wife did have an extremely Los Angeles experience once, though, at a restaurant called Cafe Gratitude, which is a crunchy vegan restaurant where all the dishes are named things like “Confident” or “Dynamic” and when your server brings it to you they say “You are … confident.” (or whatever it is you ordered, you get it). Anyway, while dining at this joint Amber overheard the guy at the next table talking, and it turned out he was Kenny Loggins manager and maybe a little braggy about it. Did that guy make enough from licensing his client’s intellectual property to Heathcliff to afford more lunches at that pretentious restaurant? Maybe, maybe not. I frankly don’t think the joke was worth it.

Dennis the Menace, 1/25/16

Ugggh, Dennis, being pedantic about common turns of phrase isn’t so much “menacing” as “extremely tiresome,” and I think less of you for it.

Mary Worth, 1/25/16

Ahahahahha, I will never tire of seeing Mary Worth calmly sexually reject the men inexplicably besotted with her, in the comics! Ironically, of course. I enjoy seeing this happen on an ironic level. Definitely am not aroused by it, not even a little. Please do not capture me and have me studied by a team of expert sexologists.

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Philosophical Friday

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Dennis the Menace, 1/15/16

Ah, Dennis, never letting any of us forget that every day we’re the oldest we’ve ever been, every day our youth slips further and further behind us, every day is another step in the ceaseless march towards death. A+ menacing, old chum.

Family Circus, 1/15/16

Billy, meanwhile, comes up far short in today’s Towheaded Child Philosophizing In One Panel competition. You run it under water and rub it a little, jackass. Really looking forward to more of your lame-ass comedy stylings tomorrow, when you’ll stand out in the driveway wonder aloud why you park there instead of out on the parkway, it really makes you think.

Mary Worth, 1/15/16

Look, I’ve been doing this for, what, eleven and a half years now, and you know that Mary Worth is my North Star, right? It’s the thing without which this here blog wouldn’t have happened. I know this is an insane comparison, but David Bowie died earlier this week, an event that (and I only realized this the moment I heard about it) I assumed would never come, and it really brought home the fact that all things are ephemeral. We lost Apartment 3-G just a few months ago, so let’s … let’s just enjoy this. Let’s just enjoy a meddling old woman offering to buy a shiny new watch for a girl who has psychic powers in her tummy brain, and the little girl being so excited because, you know, Macy’s! What little girl doesn’t dream of someday owning one of the many fine timepieces Macy’s sells? Let’s just drink it in. We’re not going to have it forever.

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Mostly terrible children Tuesday

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Dennis the Menace, 1/5/16

“Look, mom, it’s not that I don’t appreciate you reading bedtime stories to me. It’s just that books are boring and TV is better, and I have no intention of learning how to read or engaging in any sort of entertainment that requires conscious effort on my part. Why, if my own brain could just auto-generate amusing imagery for me, that’d be the best! Dreams are great and all, but they only work when I’m asleep. Are there any pills I could take or anything along those lines that could create dream-like images for me? I’m definitely going to spend most of my energy as an adult looking for them!” As ever, A+ menacing work, as Alice’s look of concern makes very clear.

Gasoline Alley, 1/5/16

Gasoline Alley just spent like five God-damned weeks going on and on about scrapbooking, so the least they can do is linger a bit here and let us enjoy a few days of Boog’s parents sweatily trying and failing to work up the nerve to explain sex to him.

Pluggers, 1/5/16

Pluggers are horrified by the idea of “ingredients” that you “cook” to produce “meals,” and prefer to only buy things you can consume right out of the box or bag without even heating up.