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Slylock Fox, 9/23/08

Holy mother of God, do I even want to know what the hell is going on in this cartoon? It’s possible that our towheaded youngster is proudly showing off some sort of disassembled taxidermy form, but it seems more likely that he’s going to put on his fursuit and ask the doctor to diagnose his other personality, “Fuzzy Wuzzy.” More disturbing yet is how intrigued the elderly medico is by the whole thing.

Dick Tracy, 9/23/08

In Dick Tracy, Dick learns that Diet Smith’s robocop Traze-R comes with a “mobile transporter,” which is apparently fancy inventor talk for “tractor-trailer truck.” Which the robot needs to get from place to place despite the fact it has, you know, wheels. Dick Tracy remains a howling narrative void of madness, is what I’m trying to say.

Dennis the Menace, 9/23/08

I was going to file this under “crazy and/or stupid” rather than “menacing,” but then I caught sight of the look of panic and distress on the piggy bank’s face. I suppose the torment and murder of anthropomorphic objects has a certain air of menace about it.

Mary Worth, 9/23/08

Toby, are you … going on the Internet? With this total stranger lady sitting right next to you? Have you learned nothing? OH MY GOD SHE COULD BE PHISHING YOU RIGHT NOW!

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Mark Trail, 9/12/08

Would it be OK if I just posted Mark Trail every day, with minimal comment, for as long as it continues to be this mind-blowingly hilarious? Today our hero proposes solving a local water crisis — part of an enormously complex issue involving the need to protect nature but also leave room for development, the tangled legislation around water rights, agricultural water requirements, climate change, and the competing demands on drinking water from dozens of different communities of varying sizes and political clout — by calling in a man whose main problem-solving algorithm consists of “Does it have a face I can punch?” and “Are there any intervening objects that would impede the trajectory of my fist?” Hijinks will almost certainly ensue.

Almost as funny is the continued presences of our friend the raccoon, who is attempting to get fresh with the little girl in the first panel. Raccoons are well known to be fearsomely intelligent carriers of parasites and disease who are unafraid of humans and are probably plotting our overthrow even as I type this. Last year when Amber and I went to Vancouver, we saw in Stanley Park an enormous raccoon that was hanging out just inches away from a baby sitting in a stroller, while a woman (presumably the baby’s mother) was standing six feet away taking lots of pictures of this supposedly adorable nature encounter. I’m not saying I wanted to see the raccoon grab the baby and drag him or her off into the underbrush, but, well, a valuable lesson would have been learned if that had happened. Since the little girl in Mark Trail isn’t real, though, I’m totally down with a raccoon-kidnapping subplot here.

Dick Tracy, 9/12/08

Dick Tracy’s mission in life is to kill and maim as many criminals, suspected criminals, innocent passers-by, and bleeding-heart libs as possible, so it’s no wonder why he’s so excited to see a version of himself that’s thirty feet high, imbued with superhuman strength, and impervious to bullets. Still, I think illustrating his massive tie-erection in the first panel is in somewhat poor taste.

Mary Worth, 9/12/08

“Ian’s going to think I’m an idiot for letting someone steal my identity and then use my money!”

“It happens to many types of people, I’m sure! Not just idiots, but morons, twits, fools, dummies, lame-brains, airheads…”

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Mary Worth, 9/6/08

Dear Mary Worth,

Thank you so very much for your narration box dated 9/6/08, which read, “After hanging up the phone with her bank, Toby continues to reel in shock.” It really put a smile on my face, which is no small feat in these troubled times.

It may seem greedy to ask for more, but can you please add a similar narration box before every single one of Toby’s future appearances in this feature? For instance, after having lunch with Mary, it could say, “After having lunch with Mary, Toby continues to reel in shock.” Or, after greeting Ian on his return from work, we could get, “After kissing her husband on the cheek, Toby continues to reel in shock.” Of course, she’ll have to continue to reel in shock, but since she apparently finds basic interaction with society completely discombobulating, I don’t think this will be much of a stretch.

Your fan,
The Comics Curmudgeon

Family Circus, 9/6/08

So it’s come to this: the Family Circus characters have declared themselves to be gods. Moronic, irritating, melon-headed gods.

Dick Tracy, 9/6/08

“There’s no way the police will be able to stop me now that I have a CB radio!”

Dennis the Menace, 9/6/08

Mrs. Mitchell is looking suspiciously smug here. I’m guessing that this “picnic” is going to climax with Dennis being sold to hillbillies or fed to a bear.