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Mary Worth, 6/22/16

I don’t want to engage in any stereotyping, but my understanding is that Japan is a more reserved and stoic culture than the United States. Thus, I would have to assume that those in Japan who survived the terrible tragedies of the earthquake, tsunami, and nuclear accident would like few things less than to have some American lunge at them in sympathy, Wilbur style, and try to get them to emote for “I Shouldn’t Be Alive!”, his terrible and widely syndicated newspaper column. Anyway, pretty much all you need to know about Mary Worth is that our upcoming storyline is much less likely to be “Wilbur rambles around Japan re-traumatizing earthquake victims” and more likely to be “Mary replies to someone who wrote into a newspaper advice column.”

Family Circus, 6/22/16

The “Billy subs for his dad on Fathers Day” bit has a long and storied history in the Family Circus, but does it usually last an entire week? Anyway, the layers of metafiction in these exercises are always exhausting — like, grown-up Jeff Keane is pretending to be the 7-year-old version of his real-life brother subbing for their father, who died in 2011 — and this strip just adds some messed up family dynamics to the mix. “No, it was Billy who made a crude fat joke about your child-self, Dolly! Billy, age 7!”

Phantom, 6/22/16

Looks like Kit Jr. (or Kit XXIII, I guess) will be spending the next four years in Tibet, cut off from his home and family. So at his goodbye party, he’s enjoying the sort of Bangallan treat he’ll be missing: a raw unpeeled potato, fresh from the bowl!

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Blondie, 6/15/16

I actually spent some time (OK, fine, like a minute and a half, but still) trying to figure out if there were some real cloud storage service that used a pig as a mascot. Because when a technical annoyance happens to a character in a legacy comic strip, I generally assume that that precise annoyance has also happened to someone involved in the creation of that legacy comic strip. I still sincerely believe that someone encountered the phrase “upgrade to pro” and thought “You know who needs to be upgraded to pro? Dagwood Bumstead, a character I write jokes about, that’s who! Hey-oooh.”

Pluggers, 6/15/16

“Sure,” pluggers thought. “Your kids? They’re disappointments. Always wanting money. Never applying themselves at school. Never calling just say hi. But grandkids — grandkids are where the fun are.” This is the moment when the scales fall from their eyes. This is the moment when pluggers see — really see — exactly what it’s all about.

Shoe, 6/15/16

In yet another example of why the bird-people of Shoe should not participate in jokes that at all involve bird metaphors, the Perfesser has ordered some infants of his kind through the mail (which is something that you totally can do) and plans to raise one in order to marry her.

Family Circus, 6/15/16

“Maybe one day we’ll run off together,” Mommy whispers to PJ inside. “Maybe just the two of us. Maybe we’ll do it tonight.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/15/16

You do have a fairy godmother, Sarah! A narrative fairy godmother. Just accept it! THERE’S NO ESCAPE

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Gil Thorp, 6/9/16

Holy crap, I’ve been reading Gil Thorp for more than a decade and I’m reasonably sure this is the first time they’ve actually killed off a character! (I’m not counting the time Coach Kaz punched a guy in the brain.) The victim was sassy, beloved Boo Radley, who briefly dated golden boy True Standish and just pitched a no-hitter; she died in a multi-car pileup caused by drunken Pa Bader, who decided that driving sober was for people who can’t close. Will his monster of a son still obnoxiously defend him now that he’s killed one of his own classmates? Probably not, since there’s only like a week or two left until the end of the spring storyline. Anyway, things are gonna get grim!

Family Circus, 6/9/16

This senseless tragedy really puts Billy’s petty problems in perspective, doesn’t it? Still, I appreciate the effort he’s going to here to really wallow in his gloom. He’s wearing all black, to commemorate the day he turned his back on the God who failed him and pledged his allegiance to Satan.

Blondie, 6/9/16

At least we can count on the solid, charming laughs of Blondie to cheer us up! Ha ha, poor people, am I right? What a bunch of scam artists!