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Mary Worth, 2/26/15

Welp, looks like next year’s Worthy Awards will be a mere formality, as today’s final panel, in which a wild-eyed Amy waves her fist in the air to indicate just how jazzed she is to be marrying a rich dude who will allow her to quit her job, will clearly sweep every category. (I certainly hope she’s also making barking noises like the “dog pound” from the Arsenio Hall Show.) Hanna is happy too, because Dave’s riches have bought Amy access to both time to personally care for her child and hired help to care for her child when she wants to use her time for something else! No more babysitting for Hanna! Also, Dave can buy Gordon all the screens he wants so he never has to look any of his family members in the eye ever again!

I really thought that this storyline had another twist in store, but it’s Thursday and Hanna’s self-satisfied thought balloon has me thinking that this is the plot-wrapping-up week, and we’re going to end with both Amy and Hanna having solved their problems by finding and marrying the right dudes. My only regret is that the whole thing didn’t end in a Shakespeare-comedy style double wedding at City Hall, with Gordon playing the “holy fool” character (a modern version who just stares vacantly at a Gameboy the entire time).

Family Circus, 2/26/15

Dolly looks at a set of rigid metal pipes of varying sizes bound together forever and only capable of producing noise in response to the breath of some vastly larger being and sees a “family,” which tells us a disturbing amount about her own take on her home life.

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Family Circus, 2/16/15

On Presidents Day, Billy pays lip service to the fact that we live in a democratic republic with an elected chief executive, but his thumbs-down gesture reveals his true desires: to be an autocratic Roman Emperor, with the power to dish out life and death in the gladiatorial arena and indeed anywhere else on his whim.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/16/15

I’m not entirely sure what the joke here is supposed to be, so I’m going to assume it’s that Bull hasn’t had this day set aside in advance at all, and the jerk-off motion he’s making in panel three signals his contempt both for Enormous Midwest University and the concept of making lesson plans in advance.

Shoe, 2/16/15

Not sure what’s grimmer here: the fact that a discussion of torture’s legality is falling under the heading of “current events,” or the horror that Sklyer just inadvertently revealed about his home life.

Gil Thorp, 2/16/15

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST: MAX BACON™ WILL BE TAKING WHAT HE THINKS IS ADDERALL BUT IT WILL JUST TURN OUT TO BE SUGAR PILLS

BUT HE’LL PLAY BETTER DUE TO THE PLACEBO EFFECT

IT’LL BE JUST LIKE DUMBO’S MAGIC FEATHER

EXCEPT MAX WON’T FLY, OBVIOUSLY

ALSO ADULTS WILL FIND OUT AND NOBODY WILL BE MAD, FOR SOME REASON

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Mark Trail, 2/9/15

Oh, man, when you get a villain bellowing “WHAT TH-“ and then getting punched in the face by Mark Trail on a Monday, you know you’ve got a great week ahead of you! I have to say that if I were Mitchum I’d be pretty disappointed in the quality of henchmen I’d hired. Mark and his swamp-king ally aren’t armed, and yet this supposed thug is just standing there patiently waiting for events to unfold. “Oh, your hand gently resting over my mouth means that I can’t make any noise that might alert my boss to your presence? Sure, sounds fair!”

Slylock Fox, 2/9/15

Shady Shrew may or may not be violating the regulations about watercraft weight and propulsion for this little regatta, but I’m certainly glad he followed one rule to the letter: the rule that says that participants have to dress in some cute nautical-themed outfit. Look them all! They’re adorable!

Family Circus, 2/9/15

You know, God’s mind is infinitely above ours and it’s impossible for mere mortals to understand what brings Him joy, but I’m gonna take a stab in the dark and say it must be pretty fun to deny Jeffy’s requests, day after day after day.