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Funky Winkerbean, 4/27/13

Is “being Nordic” a thing people say to mean “being pessimistic?” Wouldn’t people in the Funkyverse just say “being a normal human who understands the horrorshow that is our existence, as we writhe under the savage attentions of a cruel God?” Meanwhile, at Westview’s only motel, a guy who seems with increasing likelihood to be Darrin’s birth dad is checking in … and answering a straightforward question in a way that will annoy and confuse the clerk. “So you want the room … forever? I don’t … I don’t think there’s a way to put that into our system…”

Crankshaft, 4/27/13

Meanwhile, over in the “fun” Funkyverse strip, Pam shares her mental map of the park with her friend! Naturally, it’s a map of agony.

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Hi and Lois, 4/26/13

Man, I have never seen Hi looking as soul-dead as he does in the first panel. “Yeah, driver’s ed, whatever, why don’t you just ease your foot off the brake, Chip, why don’t you just let the car drift into the intersection, God, I’m exhausted. Or just gun it, just gun it right into traffic. Let me feel something, let me feel something one last time, even if it’s a thousand pounds of steel and glass crashing into me, at least it’s something, at least I can feel it.”

Archie, 4/26/13

I honestly don’t get the impression that Veronica is critical about Archie’s clothes — Society Lady Of Indeterminate Age isn’t being particularly judge-y about them or anything — as she is just generally embarrassed by his whole deal. Or maybe she’s specifically upset by how smug he looks in panel two. “Why yes, Veronica Lodge does occasionally tolerate my presence, pleased to meet you, ma’am.”

Funky Winkerbean, 4/26/13

“Don’t worry, Dad, we know you and mom were too horrified at the very thought of sex to try to give me any useful advice, so we talked to my dying birth mother instead. Or did you figure it was just dumb luck that we’d managed to be together since high school and never have a baby? On an unrelated note, Jess and I have watched insane amounts of Internet pornography since the time we were teenagers. Enjoy thinking about that, trapped in your immobile body-prison!”

Mary Worth, 4/26/13

Okay okay Tom don’t tell her that you spend all day alone in your apartment aching for human contact any human contact but afraid to talk to anybody don’t tell don’t tell don’t tell THANKS FOR GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE IN MY CAR WE USED LESS GAS THAT WAY yeah that went well I think that went really really well

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Mary Worth, 4/21/13

Oh, look, Tom, who met Beth once at a group dinner and hasn’t been able to talk to her since, is already planning on making her his partner in his “life’s journey”! No, that’s not creepy at all, and the “journey” in question certainly isn’t to the beautiful flying saucer where his real people live, and the “journey” certainly isn’t initiated by drinking the Mystical Journey Juice (one part vodka, four parts Drano, dash of bitters). This shopping trip will be fine, just fine! Oh, also Tom, you’re a divorcé, not a “bachelor,” FYI.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/21/13

“All right, Les, you’re writing a made-for-cable movie here, so you need overwrought, emotionally manipulative dialogue that no human would actually say … come on, you can do it … YES! NAILED IT!”