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Happy 4th of July, everybody! It’s the day when everyone, Americans and non-Americans alike, comes together to celebrate America. How are you spending the holiday?

Mary Worth, 7/4/24

Are you doing it the “right way” — by contemplating the legal and administrative aspects of the termination of the American-British colonial relationship, while silently watching fireworks?

Gearhead Gertie, 7/4/24

Or are you doing it the “wrong” way — by contemplating the forcible displacement of your ideological and cultural enemies to a faraway place? Remember: one of the potential drawbacks of a mass ethnic cleansing campaign is that you may one day decide you also want to possess the area where you exiled your opponents to. Think of how spectacular bank turns and car crashes would be in Mars’s lower gravity! Can we afford to leave this beautiful, exciting planet in the hands of anti-NASCAR scum?

Judge Parker, 7/4/24

You might remember a throwaway line from a few weeks ago when Sophie claimed that she had “no romantic drama in [her] life.” In fact, there’s a Lucas, a guy who has feelings for her that she doesn’t reciprocate (or maybe does, but she feels like she can’t be in a romantic relationship because her last one ended in that whole car accident/kidnapping situation), but she told him she still wants to be friends and they’re still hanging out, and I realize that Sophie is just in college and not wise in the ways of love yet, but I regret to inform her that the situation I just described does in fact constitute a certain kind of romantic drama, and a not a fun kind. Anyway, this boy is also super rich, and has invited Sophie and her friend to his family’s compound on Long Island and let them go to their private beach unattended, neglecting to mention to them that the adjacent waters are shark-infested. This will be just like the movie Jaws, which took place over 4th of July weekend!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/4/24

Sorry, I don’t have a 4th of July tie-in for this one, but I do want to point out that the Rex Morgan bully has a dumb dad who looks almost exactly like him, but older. How do I know he’s dumb? Because he clearly doesn’t know who’s calling him in panel one and doesn’t want to talk to them but answers the phone anyway. It’s 2024, buddy! You can just send it straight to voicemail, except you never set up your voicemail, so the person calling you can’t even leave a voicemail!

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Gearhead Gertie, 6/27/24

I find Gertie’s husband extremely relatable here. Sometimes, when your loved one just shouts jargon from their special interest that just sounds like gibberish to you, you’ve got to use a very basic, widely understood term from the same topic area to simultaneously hook them in but tether them to the wider world. We’ve all been there! Also, I love to relax on the couch after a long day at work and read from a giant scroll.

Crock, 6/27/24

Despite my many jokes about the historical strips, I don’t actually expect Hagar the Horrible to be an accurate depiction of life in Viking-era Scandinavia, nor do I think Crock should adhere to the historical realities of French colonial North Africa; indeed, I recognize that the anachronisms are in fact the intended fun of the strip. That said, I would hope that the strips’ creators would give a little thought to world-building that goes beyond “these guys live in the desert so they have … sand in their underwear? probably?”

Beetle Bailey, 6/27/24

Man, I assumed those particles coming out of Beetle’s mouth in panel one indicated that he had eaten a bit of Cookie’s cooking and was immediately spitting the half-masticated food back into the buffet. But then I learned in panel two that he hasn’t eaten any of the food yet! Which is somehow much worse! Because what is that then

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Six Chix, 5/30/24

I “read the comics so you don’t have to,” and I’m not too proud to acknowledge that sometimes that role requires that I alert you to when Six Chix does a strip that’s insane but also good? Today’s is wonderful: it hovers at the edge of comprehensibility, offering up a series of claims that seem reasonable on their face (the existence of foodies surely implies the existence of their equal and opposite numbers, yes? and a golden circle is the logical antithesis to the universal “no” sign?) that dissolve into obvious madness when you spend a moment thinking about them. Plus you get to see this weird little dude eating a hamburger! Perfection, don’t change a thing, no idea what the hell is going on here.

Gearhead Gertie, 5/30/24

Look, I admit that, beyond one night years ago where I took this weird apparatus home that measured my breathing and heartbeat and told me that my (reportedly) vigorous snoring did not rise to the level of sleep apnea, I haven’t had much contact with sleep clinics. But I feel reasonably sure that what goes on there does not consist of doctors (?) gaslighting you into thinking that you shouldn’t be scared of your nightmares. Honestly that experience sounds like the real nightmare! Certainly scarier than watching race cars drive around at safe and reasonable speeds for once. Oh, no, now I’m doing it too!