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Gil Thorp, 10/15/15

This Milford Reality Show storyline has so far managed to avoid the Gil’s Wife Vs. Gil’s Kind Of Famous Ex Who Has Returned To The High School Where Gil And His Wife Work To Film A Reality Show drama that any actual reality show would be leaning on pretty hard. Mimi is helping project a united Thorpian front of disdain for the whole project — but at night, while Gil’s asleep, she’s doing some secret viewing! Is she just unable to turn away from the raw drama that she knows will be at the heart of Welcome Back Carter? Or is she merely using her DVR to follow that ancient dictate of Sun Tzu: know your enemy? (I’m assuming this is DVR’d. Otherwise this seems like a lot of to-do for a show that’s being broadcast at 2 a.m.)

Crankshaft, 10/15/15

I like the contrast between the mayor’s look of steely determination in panel two, as if he’d just displayed Strong Leadership, with the pathetic results in panel three. We’re learning that the mayor isn’t necessarily evil or neglectful; it’s just that there’s only so much power an elected politician has against the intractable bureaucrats of the Deep State. Perhaps this storyline will end with Ralph being elected, only to discover the essential futility of attempting to bring about change through electoral politics. This is the grimmest possible ending for this plot, which, seeing as this is the Funkyverse, makes me suspect it’s what we’re going to get.

Blondie, 10/15/15

Look, Dithers, he’s trying to give you plausible deniability here. What sort of evil boss are you that you can’t take a hint?

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Gil Thorp, 9/29/15

You guys can’t imagine how relieved I was to see this scene of cultish flame-worship in today Gil Thorp. There’s only two days left in the month, and I was worried we were about to go into October without seeing the annual Milford bonfire, that extremely unsafe ritual where the town’s children risk horrible burns in the hope of achieving fleeting football glory. After years basking in the sacred fires, years of speeches and devil horns and clenched fists and threats of violence and pleas for health and initiating foreigners in the brotherhood of burning and flinging innocent women into the air and wild-eyed, hours-long harangues, the Mudlarks finally won their championship last year. That’s why it’s extra important to engage in proper cultic behavior this year, to make sure that good fortune is repeated. The scapegoat has already been selected if the spell fails! Meanwhile, Holly Dobbs’s reality crew is capturing all this on tape, which means that Child Protective Services and/or Homeland Security is going to be investigating this whole scene in short order.

Spider-Man, 9/29/15

I can’t really blame this guy for basking in his moment of press attention. After all, usually the only time anyone wants to interview a cruise ship officer for a publication other than Cruise Industry News Quarterly Magazine (or its arch-rival, World Cruise Industry Review) is when they accidentally steer their ship into a rock or when the toilets all stop working and you’re still three days away from Curaçao. I’m a little more concerned that all the world’s leaders have decided to let Captain Epaulets take the PR lead on the issue of an undersea kingdom denying humanity use of the oceans. “Yep, our ability to transport goods from manufacturing centers to high-income nations — completely shut down!” says the grinning man who’s mainly happy that for once the chyron under his face doesn’t say ‘POOP CRUISE’ CAPTAIN: WE USED BUCKETS. “The supply chains on which modern society depends are already collapsing!”

Mary Worth, 9/29/15

“Toby, I’m going to Jeff’s place for a few hours! If you want to invite Ian over … and talk to him on neutral ground … remember that nobody else knows you’re staying here and that these black walls hide blood splatter well.”

Momma, 9/29/15

Here’s today’s Momma! It’s about her walking by a funeral parlor and reflecting that it’s definitely time for her to die.

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Shoe, 9/24/15

“Ha, it’s ironic because I was humiliated in front of my young ward when I tried to buy him something he wanted only to have my tenuous financial situation revealed to him in a very public way! Anyway, I know it’s only 10 a.m., but what’s the cheapest booze you got behind that counter?”

Apartment 3-G, 9/24/15

I’m about as atheist as they get, but even I wouldn’t respond to someone offering to pray for a mutual friend with a sarcastic quip and an extremely wary look, like Tommie does in panel two. “Why not, Lu Ann. It can’t hurt. Unless … you’re not planning on praying to the wrong god, are you? Then it could hurt a lot.”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/24/15

“It was mostly about sex stuff that dad likes. Anyway, have a look, I’m gonna check out WebMD to figure out exactly where on your head you should hit yourself with a hammer to induce short-term amnesia.”

Gil Thorp, 9/24/15

Gil has been extremely crabby about Holly’s Milford High reality show, demanded that he appear on-screen as little as possible, and now we know why: he doesn’t want the inevitable moment in the season when someone else starts doing his coaching for him broadcast nationwide.

Judge Parker, 9/24/15

Wait, Rocky’s back already? The strip where we found he left was only published five weeks ago! In terms of the internal Judge Parker chronology, that’s the equivalent of, what, thirty seconds? Maybe forty-five?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/24/15

“Hey, wait, with all that money I could just come up here with more interesting people than you! Turns out your work schedule is irrelevant to me now, dad.”

Dennis the Menace, 9/24/15

“‘Cause I do! I bite whoever I want, whenever I want. I’m Dennis the motherfucking Menace, lady!”