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Mark Trail, 2/21/12

“Oh, crap, we have to depict someone who works in the entertainment industry. Does anyone know what those people look like? Uh, let’s go with Charles Nelson Reilly circa 1974, that sounds about right.”

I was going to suggest that “Where is this miracle animal? I’m anxious to get started! You know me, Mark, I’m in and out!” was the day’s most hilarious unintentional soap strip double entendre…

Gil Thorp, 2/21/12

But then I saw “He rides me like a donkey then acts like he’s my pal.” Ha ha, if Coach Thorp thinks Parker is sad now, wait until he gets Milford’s only basically legal tattoo parlor shut down! There will be so many bitter tears!

Mary Worth, 2/21/12

LOOK OUT MARY NOLA CAN HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS THROUGH THE PHONE OH MY GOD SHE’S A MUTANT WITH MENTAL POWERS WE’RE ALL DOOMED SHE ALWAYS GETS WHAT SHE WANTS

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Gil Thorp, 2/15/12

Ah, yes, Dirty Girl, a 2010 film that stars up-and-coming indie darling Juno Temple and had a bit of buzz going into the festival circuit, but got disappointing reviews and ended up going more or less straight to video! I’m sure that when Gil pops it into his DVD player later tonight he won’t be confused and angry and ultimately disappointed at all.

Slylock Fox, 2/15/12

Say, kids, rabbits sure are cute, aren’t they? Let’s learn some fun facts about their shitting and puking and sex lives, and about how their teeth are growing, always growing, which instills in them a primal and insatiable urge to bite bite bite.

Apartment 3-G, 2/15/12

Tommie and Margo have never experienced joy, but in their dim way can detect it in others. “Is this the ‘happiness’ we’ve heard so much about? I believe the hu-mans call it … ‘vacation.'”

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Gil Thorp, 2/9/12

Guys, it’s all been fun and games watching the Mudlark basketball team defile their tender young flesh with heathen tattoos, but what about the lesson? It’s not a Gil Thorp plot without a lesson. Today, we learn that lesson: Unlike your dad, who couldn’t handle the fact that your mom made more money than him at her fancy bank job and ran off with the 19-year-old who works at the Arby’s out on Route 128, a tattoo will never leave you!

Shoe, 2/9/12

“That’s right! It took multiple painful experimental surgeries, but the mammalian cells have finally been successfully grafted onto my scalp and now I’m growing real hair, not just feathers like you! These few scraggly hairs mean everything to me! I’m a monstrous chimera, but I don’t care, do you hear me? I don’t care!”

Mary Worth, 2/9/12

I’m warning you right now: The temptation to just run, without comment of any kind, all the Mary Worth strips in which Nola gleefully describes her sexual depravity and Mary reels in horror is very, very strong, and I don’t know if I can resist it much longer.