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Beetle Bailey, 1/29/20

Well, I have to say I’m impressed. If you had told me yesterday that Beetle Bailey was going to add a small but significant fact to its canon of deep lore, never in a million years would I have settled on “Major Greenbrass is General Halftrack’s brother-in-law.” I’m reasonably sure this has never come up in the strip before? It’s also possible that the Major, feeling secure in the knowledge that General Halftrack and his wife hate each other, assumes Amos has never taken any interest in his wife’s family and maybe doesn’t even know who her brother is.

Also, I’m hesitant to say that I, someone who’s never served in the military, knows more about military ranks than Beetle Bailey, a U.S. Army themed strip that’s been running for decades, but … generally you graduate from West Point or ROTC as a second lieutenant and from there it’s only three more promotions until you’re a major, so I’m not sure how Greenbrass was promoted five times and is still only a major — unless he got busted down in rank for some infraction twice, only to be bailed out by his hapless brother-in-law, or, in my theory I’m growing more and more fond of, the man he’s tricked into thinking he’s his brother-in-law.

Mary Worth, 1/29/20

If Mary has an eye for anything, it’s Charterstone residents trying to subtly move out without telling her, just like Iris is doing. And why wouldn’t she want to spend more time in her hot boyfriend’s cool loft apartment downtown in the Santa Royale Arts District, rather than in a hellscape suburban condo complex full of old people, one of whom is her awful ex-boyfriend. Anyway, looks like Tommy’s going to have a lot of time alone in Charterstone now that his mom’s moving most of her clothes to Zak’s. Let’s pray he gets into some terrible mischief, because if we’re going to endlessly focus on the Westons and the Beedles, we should at least be spending time with the most entertaining person out of all of them.

Hagar the Horrible, 1/29/20

It seems that Hagars’s Norway hasn’t been entirely Christianized yet, and for the reasons made clear here: the omnipotent God of the Christians isn’t really someone you can have an argument with, you know? The Norse pantheon was always a little closer to the common man, even as they were shipwrecking him.

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Hagar the Horrible, 11/7/19

We’ve done a lot of speculation over the years on exactly when Hagar the Horrible is supposed to be taking place, but I think we can all agree it’s kind of late in the Viking era, right? Like, Christianity is becoming increasingly prevalent, elaborate legal systems are in place that judge matters in terms of guilt and innocence rather than the relative social positions of the parties to a dispute, and, as we learn today, local gentry who previously would’ve put together a team or warriors and gone raiding have instead tied themselves to whichever members of the increasingly powerful nobility they have blood or marriage links to, hoping that instead of a difficult and rugged life on their own they’ll have more strength and protection as part of a Jarl’s forces. It’s all fun and games until your cousin decides he’s going to try to overthrow the king, buddy!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/7/19

Guys. I just. I refuse to accept that the no-carb craze has hit Hootin’ Holler. I know half the joke of this strip is when people say or do things mildly incongruous for the setting, but I just refuse here. Refuse, do you hear me? They’re subsistance farmers, they grow and eat and name their babies after root vegetables, meat is a precious treat, they think low carb diets are ludicrous flatlander affectations and die at age 55 of malnutrition God damn it

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Pajama Diaries, 11/1/19

Ha ha, remember when an innocent discussion with her daughter about social media profile pics led to Pajama Diaries Mom Whose Name I Forget chattily bringing up the constant intrusive thoughts she has about her imminent kidnapping? Well, tonight, when she’s just out having some fun drinking wine with her gal pals, she talks about how one extremely normal recurring worry she has is that for some reason in the future she’ll be in a coma indefinitely, technically alive but insensate and trapped in an interminable kind of living death, yet still subject to the crushing demands that the patriarchy makes on women’s personal appearance. Imagine your mind trapped in a useless husk of a body, screaming endlessly but silently because you think the doctors who occasionally stop by your room to change your feeding tube will think “gee, this one has really let herself go”! They say people want to see representation of others like them in the media, but as a guy with anxiety, this all just makes me increasingly uncomfortable and I’d honestly rather not!

Hagar the Horrible, 11/1/19

I was going to point out that taking a dog for a walk for “exercise” is generally a euphemism for getting him out of the house so he can pee, but then I remembered Hagar is a uncultured Viking living in a tiny dirt-floored hut in rural Norway. He probably pees on the floor himself if it’s cold out!

Gil Thorp, 11/1/19

Oh wow, it turns out Chance only threw scissors at another kid because he hates injustice so much. C’MON MAN. I’ve now totally revised my opinion on this plot, Chet is absolutely right to air as much of Chance’s dirty laundry as possible to put this self-righteous jerk in his place and get his stepson that starting RB job.

Dustin, 11/1/19

“Like, I don’t want cereal that helps me poop! I want cereal that I want to fuck.”