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Gil Thorp, 7/2/08

Don’t get me wrong, a two-week Sicilian vacation is pretty awesome. There’s nothing like opening up the window in the morning and looking down the hillside to the Mediterranean below, knowing that in a few minutes you’ll be splashing in its delightful blue waters. But then, there’s also nothing like getting up in the morning and seeing the total insanity that is Gil Thorp, so I can’t stay on vacation forever. I suppose that’s supposed to be Bugs McCoy standing on the dock there, but it looks more like some escapee from a nightmarish genetic research lab, its unformed potato-like head glistening facelessly in the morning sun. Then there’s panel two, in which Elmer proves that “average high school arm” is some sort of code for “disproportionally and hideously plump sausage-thing.” Upon deportation Elmer will be trapped in legal limbo at the border, since Mexico will refuse entry to this obviously dangerous mutant.

Marmaduke, 7/2/08

Given that Marmaduke can wear clothes, write English words, order bones over the Internet or possibly by phone, and, um, smoke cigars, I’m not actually convinced that we can rule out smoking in bed. I do admit that it seems more likely that some terrified citizen, tired of Marmaduke’s rule of slobbering canine terror over this hapless suburban community, has attempted to burn him to death while he slept.

Hagar the Horrible, 7/2/08

That’s pretty big talk coming from someone who appears to be wearing a hand-torn burlap sack. To say nothing of those damn potato-feet.

Luann, 7/2/08

dun da dun da DUNNN dun da dun da dun dunn

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Apartment 3-G, 5/29/08

Bless you, Margo! Bless your foul mouth and shriveled little heart! Whenever I find myself feeling down, or wishing that my life was different, I can now always cheer myself up by imagining you looking down in stunned disbelief at your naked, ringless fingers, wiggling them in mid-air as if that will magically generate a token that says you’re taken out of the ether. Bless you!

I like the fact that Lu Ann and Tommie are standing around in glum silence while Margo rants. I’m imagining that we’re coming into this diatribe at about hour three. In panel two, note that Tommie is cunningly positioning Lu Ann between Margo and herself so she can slowly back away and sneak off to the bathroom without being disemboweled.

Archie, 5/29/08

I think Archie’s interlocutor is supposed to be … Reggie, maybe? I don’t recall Reggie having any sort of characterization established other than “Reggie is an asshole,” so presumably Jennifer looks so comprehensibly miserable in the first panel because her relationship with Reggie mostly consisted of his unpleasant boasts and grabby hands, and she still feels kind of dirty. Or maybe she’s just depressed because her parents force her to dress like a waitress at all times.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/29/08

I’m not even going to hazard a guess as to what the “joke” is supposed to be in today’s Funky Winkerbean. I’m too busy being traumatized by the look of near-physical ecstasy on Bull’s face in the third panel. It’s like he’s having a chairgasm, with Les just standing right there talking to him.

Hagar the Horrible, 5/29/08

Ah, I see the legacy comics are engaging in a little UNSPEAKABLE FILTH oneupsmanship. In this case, its the addition of the duck to the scenario that really pegs the old squick-o-meter.

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Mary Worth, 4/17/08

Rex Morgan may have his Mass MRSA Hysteria going for him, but Mary Worth has her own groovy new storyline percolating on the stove: the Baddle of the Ugly Middle-Aged Momma’s Boys! (“Baddle” was originally a typo for “battle,” but now I’m keeping it because it looks like “battle” plus “meddle.”) If most of next week is spent in the hospital parking lot, as two doughy dudes huff and puff while they swing ineffectively at each other and Mary shouts “Ronald! Richard! You stop that at once!”, I’ll be a happy guy.

Blondie, 4/17/08

There’s something odd about Dagwood’s lackadaisical pose that I can’t quite put my finger on. Surely the credenza is not a particularly comfortable place to lounge while being electronically snubbed. Perhaps as a world-class layabout he’s become bored with loafing on obvious pieces of furniture, like the couch or recliner, and is trying to step up his game by branching out.

Hagar the Horrible, 4/17/08

You know, sometimes it seems that Helga is profoundly unhappy in her marriage, but it’s days like today when she remembers why she agreed to leave her parents’ hut, get into Hagar’s longboat, and sail down the fjord to his village: because he’s so good at murdering people and stealing their valuable possessions.