Archive: Hagar the Horrible

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Mark Trail, 12/9/06

One of the things that Mark Trail is ostensibly supposed to do is to teach young people about the ways of nature. That’s why we’re lucky that no young people actually read Mark Trail because the last thing you really should do if you encounter an injured animal — particularly an injured animal with enormous, powerful teeth that it’s temperamentally prone to going all bitey bitey with — is to pick it up. Fortunately Mark is like a modern-day St. Francis with his animal-charming powers, although somewhat more enthusiastic about punching hillbillies in the face than the good man from Assisi.

At some level, Mark knows that his reckless beaver-handling isn’t a good example for young people. That’s why Rusty has magically transmogrified into a full-grown adult in panels one and three.

Hagar the Horrible, 12/9/06

I could think of any number of mildly amusing punchlines that might have made incrementally but noticeably funnier use of the setup provided here. What appears to have happened is that someone at Hagar Central remembered that, according to the meticulously maintained and elaborate Hagar the Horrible canon, Hagar is actually illiterate, and reference to that fact had to be added in at the last minute lest all the Hagar nerds (chosen name: “Horribles”) tear this strip to pieces on the many, many Hagar fan sites.

Popeye, 12/9/06

So, yeah, Popeye’s been doing this “Olive Oyl is jealous of Sweet Pea and also just sort of in general” storyline for, like, months and months and months, which has mostly been unworthy of mention, until today when we get Olive contemplating “dating” a gorilla, which I, uh, thought worthy of mention.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/9/06

Niki, I warned you that “bad June” would be back before too long. If “painting the garage” is anything like “cleaning the basement,” a euphemism thought up by Mrs C. and her filthy-minded college friends, Niki had better hope that his jaw is back in top shape.

The Family Circus, 12/9/06

There’s something unspeakably creepy to me about Ma Keane standing in the doorway in the background of this scene, looking on at these crimes against pretend medical science silently and expressionlessly. It’s as if she’s watching another step in an unfathomable and long-running plan of her own design playing out. I’m not sure what that plan is, but it’s a good guess that it involves somebody’s freakishly oversized head being split open.

Spider-Man, 12/9/06

Later, after the drama is resolved: “Yeah, honey, it was reverse psychology! Yeah, that’s the ticket.”

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B.C., 7/25/06

Greetings, citizens! Certain liberal agitators — greenies, communists, and other America-hating terrorist sympathizers — may have misled you to believe that dumping phosphate-containing detergents into rivers or oceans may somehow damage the so-called “environment.” In fact, the sea is a filthy, filthy place, and the beasts that swim within it essentially live in their own urine and feces. Thus, by allowing our used cleaning products to flow into the water supply, we’re doing the fish, crabs, sea urchins, and other watery creatures a big favor. Don’t withhold your life-giving detergent from our ocean-borne friends!

Also, a note to Jews, Muslims, atheists, and other non-Christians: YOU ARE ALL DOOMED TO HELLFIRE! TURN OR BURN, PEOPLE, TURN OR BURN!

Mary Worth, 7/25/06

Can’t … stop … staring … at … Mary’s … freakish … pinky finger! Seriously, what is the deal with her hand in panel one? It looks like her finger and a chunk of her palm was somehow hewn off (possibly in a “household ‘accident'”) and Dr. Jeff threw his medical ethics to the wind to attach a donor hand-piece to his beloved in an experimental and highly dangerous procedure.

Meanwhile, Toby’s tale of hearsay and spite continues along its merry way. Cunning use of scare quotes around “accident” there, Mrs. Cameron; because surely if two people are in a house together and one of them dies, there can be only one diagnosis: murder. Say, what fundamental aspect of U.S. law does Toby seem to be undermining here?

Good to have her back, isn’t it, folks?

Hagar the Horrible, 7/25/06

Yeah, but … you never … really answered the question … of … why … uh … actually, I don’t think I want to know.

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Hagar the Horrible, 4/13/06

Ah, it’s tax season, so what better opportunity for Hagar the Horrible to deploy an incomprehensible gag about tax collectors! Note that in panel one Hagar is blase about this radical change in tax policy, while Helga looks shocked and appalled that the royal government has decided to abandon a progressive income tax. Presumably the change was pushed through by fat-cat campaign contributors whose portfolios were heavy on capital gains-producing investments and low on foliage.

Anyway, the joke, such as it is, revolves around the sheer number of leaves on the The Horribles’ trees, and the sky-high tax bills that will no doubt result. This strikes me as the sort of thing that the artist thought was a great idea until he suddenly found himself in the position of having to draw all the damn leaves. So, he loses points on foresight, but kudos to him for following through to the bitter, hand-cramping end anyway.

Apartment 3-G, 4/13/06

How little respect does Apartment 3-G get from my hometown paper, the Baltimore Sun? Well, first they tried to cancel it, though obviously the outcry was too great for them to get away with that. Now I find out that the writing duties for the strip changed some time ago (Lisa Trusiani’s out, Margaret Shulock’s in) and the Sun has yet to change the byline in the paper. For shame! I had to find out by seeing that the Apartment 3-G article on Wikipedia was updated, which fact of course entails the disturbing corollary that there are people out there who care even more about this strip than I do and update its Wikipedia article when its authors change. I’m not sure, but I’m guessing that the author changeover happened right around here, when there was this weird abrupt wrapping up and yet the next storyline ended up continuing the previous one instead of just imposing the usual mind-wipe on all its characters.

Anyway, this has been a long-winded way of saying that if we can count on the new author to keep on creating bizarre and simultaneously sexy and slightly unnerving scenarios like “Let’s admire Tommie in Nina’s bridal veil and a polo shirt under an sweater,” then I for one welcome her with open arms.

(Oh, and confidential to King Features: It’s fine that you didn’t bother to contact me this time, but when Margaret gets tired of this gig in two or three years, I am totally available. Just FYI.)

Mary Worth, 4/13/06

Lou’s thought balloon is no “My very own meth lab,” and in fact I have no idea what it’s supposed to mean, but sure sounds sinister, doesn’t it? It should rightly be followed by maniacal laughter.

Lou: Yes, you’re right, hon! We do share everything!

Lou thought balloon: [And we always will.]

Lou: Heh he. Moo ha ha. MOOHOHOHO HA HA! HA HA! MOO HA HA!!!!

Kelly thought balloon: [God damn, that freak likes pie a little too much.]