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Heathcliff, 6/15/15

If there’s one thing that distinguishes Heathcliff from another, more famous/relentlessly marketed orange comics cat, it’s his inability to produce recognizable language, even in thought balloon form. We as readers are not privy to whatever thoughts are going through his head; and to communicate with the fellow denizens of the Heathcliffverse, he must resort to crude, one-word messages written on helmets or flags. But now, at long last, Heathcliff’s latest project is coming to fruition: he’s mastered human speech, repurposing various parts of his digestive system to approximate the sounds. He’s already gotten to the end of the alphabet, so Heathcliff’s Owner-Grandpa’s attempt to put a stop to the madness will come far too late. After “Z”, Heathcliff will start issuing orders, and they will be terrifying.

The Lockhorns, 6/15/15

Congratulations, The Lockhorns, for finally producing a panel that can surpass Rhino-Man Hocks His TV for sheer horrifying depression! I’m kind of sorry we aren’t going to get to actually see Leroy awkwardly trying to remove his own fillings with a pair of pliers in this seedy cash-for-gold outlet’s parking lot, mostly because I’d like to watch Loretta’s facial expression of ennui mingled with contempt remain unchanged throughout all the screaming and the blood.

Family Circus, 6/15/15

Dolly forges ahead to some unknown destination, leaving Ruthie behind, lying on the floor in visible agony from her tumble from the wagon. Ruthless indeed, and only Billy (7) can see the true cold-hearted sociopath beneath his sister’s treacle-sweet exterior.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/15/15

Today’s Rex Morgan, M.D., doesn’t confirm the theory that “Sarah” is a 42-year-old little person pretending to be a child for inscrutable reasons of her own, with Kelly in on the game but eager to humiliate her at any opportunity, but it doesn’t exactly rule it out, either.

Mark Trail, 6/15/15

OH NO

THE DAY IS HERE

THE DAY FORETOLD IN PROPHECY

THE DAY THE CEPHALAPODS EMERGE FROM THE SEA TO DESTROY US

HUG YOUR LOVED ONES TIGHT AND PRAY FOR A SWIFT AND MERCIFUL DEATH

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Heathcliff, 6/8/15

The newspaper comics as a rule are neither created by nor designed to cater to young people, or people particularly up on pop culture ephemera. This is a medium that still thinks that an iPod is a cutting-edge piece of technology, and that jokes about black people hiding things in their afros is funny. Thus I’m pretty impressed by today’s “dad bod” reference in Heathcliff. This is a concept that I’m mostly aware of as a running joke on Twitter; the phrase appears to originate from a blog post by a Clemson college student from March 30, which went viral when linked to and gif-listicle-fied by Buzzfeed on April 30. Thus the idea has been in the public consciousness for barely a month, and when you factor in the lead time newspapers require, you realize that in comics time this joke was adapted into Heathcliff form in the equivalent of those incredibly tiny fractions of a second that can only be detected by incredibly precise atomic clocks. I was so taken aback by this cutting-edge joke, in fact, that I almost didn’t notice that … Heathcliff is drinking beer in this panel? Can cartoon cats do that? Drink beer? On the funny pages?

Judge Parker, 6/8/15

On a normal day in the comics, when a guy in a hardhat superciliously challenges a Spencer-Driver with a “unless, of course, you too have a master’s in structural engineering,” that would be the best thing that happened in Judge Parker that day. But not today. Not today, when the first-panel narration box dares to follow up the sentence “Rocky consents to investigating the viability of using cargo containers for interior offices” with an exclamation point. I like to imagine that there’s a real voiceover actor reading this, and they made him record this line again and again. “More emotion,” bellows the director, “more dynamism. Rocky’s investigating viability, for God’s sake.”

Apartment 3-G, 6/8/15

Hey so remember when Lu Ann was “at the hotel” then there was “suddenly a knock” and then Tommie appeared? Well, it seems … pretty clear that they’re back at the apartment today? And also Tommie has a different haircut. I’m real worried about Apartment 3-G, guys.

Mark Trail, 6/8/15

NO RUSTY DON’T TELL CHERRY WHERE BABIES COME FROM

she’s gonna have some questions for mark

tough questions

questions he does not want to answer

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Slylock Fox, 5/26/15

You know, for too long I’ve thought about the transition from human to animal rule in Slylock Fox in terms of revolutionary violence. But perhaps I’m mistaken. Look at the episode in today’s Six Differences: maybe the revolt began not with acts of carnage, but acts of love, as newly sapient animals freed their dear ones from enslavement. Like all oppressors, of course, the gentleman holding the leash doesn’t see it this way; he’s furious because he can only understand that his own previously unquestioned authority is now under threat. The Great Change did entail violence, of course, but maybe the animals didn’t initiate it.

Apartment 3-G, 5/26/15

Oh hey, remember Margo’s ex-boyfriend Greg, who plays James Bond? Well, here he is, the guy playing one of the most high-profile characters in the movies, just wandering around the streets of New York sans entourage, ready to bump into Margo and make small talk with her about her agency, which … you know, I sort of thought that Greg had been Margo’s client? Of course, she’s a terrible publicist and all, but probably even she’d be smart enough to advise him not to ruin his Bondian cred by appearing in public wearing a green jacket. Anyway, on the surface, this may look like the same kind of disconnected dreamscape conversation Apartment 3-G’s been mired in for months, but replying to your ex-lover’s “Have you missed me?” with “It’s lovely to see you” is from my point of view a delightfully sick burn.

Heathcliff, 5/26/15

Dear Heathcliff and Creators Syndicate: you can’t just make a character cool by having him stand next to another character widely considered cool and then have a third party say “That’s a whole lotta cool.” That’s not how being cool works!