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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/19/17

This strip has gone through a lot of changes over the years, but one constant that I appreciate is that Rex is always being a smug dick about something. “Oh, sorry, June. Edgar Rice Burroughs. It’s his initials. E-R-B, get it? I thought you were up on your classic pulp sci-fi. But I guess I didn’t marry you for your literary taste, am I right? Ha ha! Margie, your husband, who I’m almost certainly about to learn ran off and left you in dire emotional and financial straits, sounds like a real cool guy. Where my ERB-heads at?” (Wait till Rex finds out that little Johncarter was named not after the Barsoom series of books, which his father never read, but after the 2012 film, which was a spectacular flop.)

Mark Trail, 7/19/17

OH SNAP it looks like I was right about the hostage lady being one of the bad guys! This is a solid twist AND gave us the chance to see Agent McHairisland’s complete shock and surprise. What do you suppose this was about, then? Did our fake hostage just need some time to get into character? Is she known across the whole Midwest as the “Method” Bank Heistrix?

Gil Thorp, 7/19/17

Speaking of things I was right about, I guess I was right about this being Heather and Kevin from last football season! But weren’t they seniors last year? Is it really still summer? Are these tall dudes emissaries from an alien species who hope to harness Kevin and Heather’s on-Earth skills for use in a long-running interstellar war, à la 1984’s hit film The Last Starfighter, but for jocks? WHAT’S GOING ON

Mary Worth, 7/19/17

We all know the greatest Mary Worth plots begin with Mary working in her rose garden, so I have great hope for this one. Someone gave Dawn a job, guys! What a terribly misguided decision, which I hope we’ll see acted out in graphic and comical detail over the next several months!

Hi and Lois, 7/19/17

Traditionally this strip has featured an adorable and loving relationship between the infant Trixie and her pal the sunbeam, and I have to say I’m not on board for this gritty reboot. “I’M NOT GOING TO BE IGNORED, TRIXIE” –literally the sun

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Mary Worth, 7/15/17

Good news, everyone! Katie and Derek’s marital difficulties are solved, as long as Derek maintains a steadfast refusal to look at anyone other than his wife. Because if sees someone else and they happen to be smoking, Derek will want to fuck them. Not because he’s horny or a cheater, you understand, but just because that’s the quickest route to access to some sweet, sweet cigarettes. That blond fellow in panel one, enjoying a quick vacation in flavor country? Derek would’ve fucked that guy and fucked him good if he hadn’t been staring straight ahead. And then afterwards, when dude was still basking in the afterglow, Derek would’ve grabbed his cigs and been gone.

Hi and Lois, 7/15/17

Aw, is Hi sad because his family doesn’t want to hang out with him? Well, Lois is sad because she’s chained forever to someone with a crushing narrowness of imagination.

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Hi and Lois, 7/2/17

tfw the external forms of patriotic celebration are more important to you than the practical matters of political liberty

Crankshaft, 7/2/17

tfw you almost never talk about your dead wife and when you do it becomes clear why: you can only associate her with your vigorous youth, which makes you all the more ashamed that you are now old and decrepit and alone

Mary Worth, 7/2/17

tfw some old lady hands you a picture of you and your wife and it convinces you to … recommit yourself to your marriage somehow? by tracking her down and yelling at her that she’s wrong until she loves you again? this is a plan that will definitely work!