Post Content

Mary Worth, 3/30/10

Longtime readers know that, while I may dabble with your Luanns and your Blondies, my heart belongs to Mary Worth above all. Thus, the beginning of any new storyline in this strip is a moment of great giddy excitement for me, even though “Wilbur meets his bastard not-son” will be hard to follow up. So far, we’ve gotten Mary foisting her friendship onto a pair of standoffish neighbors with her patented brand of hospitality. (I’m referring specifically to Patent No. 3087330, “System and method for establishing interpersonal relationships via taupe, oblong food-like products.”)

Bonnie and Ernie seem happy enough in panel one, contemplating the “nice spread,” the hilarity of the constituent shapes and colors of which I cannot emphasize enough. Who wouldn’t be all smiles when confronted with a big bowl of whipped potatoes, a tray of whipped sweet potatoes, a bowl of steaming whole unpeeled potatoes, another square tray of unpeeled potatoes, a tiny square tray of something white (eggs?), and a bowl of some mushed up vegetable of some sort? Mmm mmm good! But in panel two everyone’s facial expression has suddenly taken a turn for the grave, as if “getting to know [other humans] better” is something Bonnie and Ernie simply don’t do. Why? What terrible secret do they hide? This is why Mary Worth is so exciting! Because someday, in the next six to ten weeks, we’ll find out, and it will be blander than we can possibly imagine!

One sort of delicate point that I feel compelled to bring up is that Mary’s new friends are both pretty profoundly unattractive, even by the standards of a feature in which ol’ cross-eyes is the resident beauty. Since this strip is about as subtle as a frying pan beating you about the head and neck, forever, obviously their appearance reflects badly on their character; they’re no doubt going to be revealed to be perverts or scam artists, or monsters pieced together from human corpses and reanimated by a crazed scientist eager to play God.

Hi and Lois, 3/30/10

It’s all too appropriate that our blue-haired librarian is wearing a pink scarf. Thanks for destroying everything that’s good in the world with your terrible library, Fidel Trotsky-Tsung!

Spider-Man, 3/30/10

“And let’s hear it for lounging around the house in your underwear and high heels! And for cowardice! Sweet, sweet cowardice!”

Slylock Fox, 3/30/10

In panel one, a delightful band of puppies wants nothing more than to frolic and play with this laughing child. In panel two, the lad is about to be torn limb from limb by a vicious pack of feral dogs.

Post Content

Dick Tracy, 3/13/10

I have been told that comics artists often save material they think is kind of weak — or, in continuity strips, not particularly plot advancing — for Saturday, which is the day with the lowest newspaper circulation. Thus, it came as a mild surprise to see someone actually get shot in Saturday’s Dick Tracy. But then again, someone expiring relatively quietly after receiving a single bullet to the gut is kind of weak material when it comes to Dick Tracy violence, so hopefully this is just the beginning in a sequence that will drench the comics page in blood by, say, Wednesday.

Hi and Lois, 3/13/10

Remember the grim scene in Leaving Las Vegas when Elizabeth Shue can only interest desperate drunk Nicolas Cage in her sexually by pouring liquor all over herself? Well, this is the sexless suburban version. Hi can only be bothered to think about basic household chores if he can associate it with his beloved alcohol.

Post Content

Spider-Man, 3/2/10

It should OBVIOUSLY come as no surprise to anyone that faithful reader Chip Wittle’s comment of the week runner up would essentially come true — that Peter Parker, having left his stupid costume at home, would acquire a new stupid costume, from a costume shop. Hell, he already did this three years ago, when a then-slumming-in-LA Parker bought a vaguely pirate-y get-up and a plastic eye mask and dubbed himself “Justice Guy” (though if I’m remember correctly, the name may have resulted from a passerby mishearing his protestation that he was “just a guy”). But how to make this plot twist exciting and new for the hot Miami sun (and burning-hot Miami buildings)?

Well, the first step is to up the ludicrousness quotient of the costumes. If that lady isn’t rescued in the next few days by Justice Wizard, Super Wehrmacht Officer, or The Ballerina (or, better yet, by some combination of the three), I will be sorely disappointed. Then there’s the fact that this “Party Shop” is closed; last December Mark Trail proved that having your hero engage in a little vigilante breaking and entering is ratings gold, so obviously Spider-Man wants in on that action (although probably there will be less heroic window-smashing and more jiggling of doorknobs and whining). Finally, there’s the intriguing reason for the store closure. Presumably whatever comical outfit Spidey puts on will be lousy with influenza virus, which means that everyone he “rescues” for the remainder of this storyline will die of H1N1 sooner than later.

Hi and Lois, 3/2/10

Bored with his stultifying suburban life, Ditto has decided to strike out on his own with a couple of working men, riding the trash-collecting routes and seeting what real life has to offer! He’ll have a blast, until they sell him to a band of hobos.

Gasoline Alley, 3/2/10

Hmm, Frank Buckles is the last American World War I survivor, but Uncle Walt also served in the Great War, and everyone’s being circumspect about the context in which he did so. My conclusion: he actually fought for the Central Powers. This seemingly immortal fixture on the comics page will finally meet his end when, in the midst of a flashback, he puts on his Stahlhelm, fixes his bayonet, and charges the local police, believing them to be doughboys come to wrest Alsace-Lorraine from the Kaiser’s grasp.