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Heathcliff, 1/18/13

I am seriously puzzled about just what exactly Heathcliff’s puppet-thing is supposed to be. The holes (or are they just black dots?) and the general shape and the proximity to mice remind me of a stereotypical wedge of cartoon Swiss cheese that the colorists have misjudged into greenness. But perhaps not? Maybe it’s some sort of weird makeshift sponge-puppet? I’m a little resentful about the ambiguity, because it’s distracting me from the delightful main point of the strip, which is that Heathcliff rules the local mice as a brutal dictator, demanding not just that they obey him in deed, but that they love him, deep in their souls. Heathcliff’s second-rate ventriloquist antics are in fact an elaborate test of loyalty. The two unhappy mice in the back of the queue here will soon be reported by informers to his brutal Happiness Police.

Judge Parker, 1/18/13

Judge Parker’s seems to be on the verge of a new plot that will test the philosophical boundaries of its own fictional universe. Specifically, it will answer the question we’ve all wondered about: is there a sum of money so large that it can, when spent, actually have a noticeable effect on the balance sheet of the Spencer-Driver clan? Keep in mind that Neddy, Sam and Abbey’s daughter, is a college student, and yet today’s strip reveals that she has her own private banker. One assumes that, in order for this to even get on her parents’ radar, these “large withdrawals” involved a fleet of armored trucks guarded by elite French special forces troops.

Dick Tracy, 1/18/13

Wow, it turns out I my interpretation of Lake Freedom’s significance was all wrong! Because it turns out that underneath Lake Freedom there’s an internment camp. That’s symbolism, guys, symbolism about America, really makes you think, hmm?

Spider-Man, 1/18/13

Sometimes conventional law enforcement in the Newspaper Spider-Man world is also super-incompetent, probably mostly to make Spidey feel better about himself.

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Marmaduke, 1/6/13

Since the dawn of time, mankind has wondered: is there any creature more powerful than Marmaduke, our awful tormentor, who rules over this plane of existence with gore-drenched fangs? Today’s strip suggests intriguing possibilities. Who is this mysterious creature, this “intruder” that we never get a clear look at, who is rummaging through Marmaduke’s exterior death-temple? How does it command the powers of lightning to repel Marmaduke’s attack without the two beings ever coming into contact? Does this entity represent a possible ally for terrified humanity in its struggle against its awful Marmadukean overlord, or will we puny mortals merely suffer as collateral damage in the struggle between the two infinitely powerful hell-beasts?

Judge Parker, 1/6/13

The ultimate Judge Parker strip: The Parker family stands around their well-appointed kitchen, marveling at an enormous check.

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YOU GUYS, every year when I come back from my Christmastime voyage I’m all like “I’m just going to quickly look over the continuity strips from the past week to make sure I didn’t miss the 45 seconds of Judge Parker strip-time in which something happens,” but then every year I end up finding a slate of delightful nonsense that I feel compelled to share with you all. So before I get to today’s strips (in another post), here’s what you might have missed if, like me, you took a comics vacation over the past ten days or so.

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 12/24/12

Greg Cooper, the next actor to play James Bond and thus one of the most visible and famous movie stars in the world, got dissed on Christmas by his own mom.

Family Circus, 12/25/12

Over at the Keane Kompound, unto us an extremely smug savior was born.

Panel from Mark Trail, 12/26/12

Otto decided not to take Mark and Bill Ellis’s ransom money, but will instead force Mark to lobby on his pirate kingdom’s behalf, in violation of the Foreign Agents Registration Act.

Panel from Spider-Man, 12/26/12

Spider-Man, a superhero with powers beyond those of ordinary mortals, was disabled with a quick blow to the back of the head, something that’s happened to him on multiple occasions.

Panels from Gil Thorp, 12/28/12

Oh, yeah, there’s a Gil Thorp basketball-season plot happening, I guess! It involves this basketball player, Scott, who is sad (and therefore not as good at basketball as he should be, which is the most important thing, obviously) because his little brother “Jay-Bird” died of leukemia. I had a brief hope that the horrible noise in this final panel was little Jay-Bird bursting out of his grave to feast on living flesh, but instead it was just a mysterious peacock that only Scott can see, which may in fact be Jay-Bird’s soul, which has come back to this mortal realm in bird form to feast on living flesh.

Panels from Funky Winkerbean, 12/29/12

Cayla and Les are already pretty sick of each other’s company, to nobody’s surprise.

Panels from Judge Parker, 12/30/12

In Judge Parker, Sam Driver shows that he knows the golden rule of lawyering: snitches get stitches.

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 12/31/12

Back in Apartment 3-G, Evan has finally revealed himself for what he truly is! …which appears to be a member of some kind of medieval craft guild, I guess?

Panel from Mary Worth, 12/31/12

John Dill’s entry has been accepted into the Santa Royale cake contest, and the excitement appears to have caused a massive stroke event.

Curtis, 1/1/13

Oh, right, Kwanzaa! This year’s nutty Curtis Kwanzaa tale involves an African village where an evil never-seen witch makes all the handsome young men mysteriously disappear when they reach marriageable age. Our hero, Maya, awakes in her lair only to discover that, despite evil witch stereotypes, she’s actually pretty sexy. “Well, uh, you’re not rich!” says Maya, but then she demonstrates that she has piles of gold and an elephant servant. “Hmm, tell me more,” says Maya.