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(Brief correction: Guys, due to a cut-and-paste error, this week’s Comment of the Week was inaccurately attributed! It is actually from Steve S. Now fixed!)

Marvin, 3/28/16

The daily comics are a medium that rewards complacency, which is why I find Marvin’s commitment to innovation impressive. The strip could’ve rested on its laurels as “that awful thing where a baby smugly pees and poops all the time,” but no: they introduced sapient dog characters who can communicate with the baby characters, and the dogs’ peeing and pooping are also a source of laughs. But the creative team did not stop there! No, today we see the dawn of a new chapter in Marvin: a chapter in which the very bodily organs responsible for the elimination of waste now have minds of their own and speak and interact with others. Can’t wait to see what pithy witticisms Marvin’s G.I. tract has in store for us!

Judge Parker, 3/28/16

Hey, were you worried that Neddy was going to actually suffer consequences of some sort for her terrible, reckless driving. Well, don’t worry, these Chubbs (actual name) are clearly scam artists, determined to soak the local trillionaires, dressing up in comically outdated medical dressing that they probably borrowed from the local amateur theater company or something. Look, even their fat little dog has some on! This is just yet another example of the put-upon rich being abused in this country, and I for one will cheer when Sam sues them back to the stone age.

Dick Tracy, 3/28/16

“Welp, another adventure done. Looks like it’s all over but the shouting!” [in the background, as Dick and his friends smile at each other smugly: literal shouting from the dozens of people who have been horribly injured in this huge explosion]

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Mary Worth, 3/27/16

You know, if you want proof that Mary’s reputation as a fixer of lives isn’t quite deserved, check out Dawn Weston. She’s been living in Charterstone under Mary’s watchful gaze since childhood, and still she’s as sad and pathetic as ever! But soon she’s going to be the coolest kid at her local junior college: remember, every great tale of social climbing begins with a unappreciated teen violently clinking coffee mugs with an old woman. Let the aggressive friendship-establishment montage … commence!

Judge Parker, 3/27/16

How often has this happened to you? You think your country music star husband has run off with his secretary … but nope, he’s just flown to Los Angeles to buy some solid gold cookware, probably as a gift for the Sultan of Brunei or something. Ha ha, what a kooky misunderstanding! Thank goodness the crack Judge Parker investigative team was on the case to figure this stuff out before things got out of control! And all they had to do to figure it out was abuse their wealth and privilege and use the power of the state for their private interests.

Oh, and, hey, remember that lady that Neddy sideswiped with her monstrously large RV without noticing? Well, she’s not a sexy lady like Neddy at all, but is instead a heavyset woman literally named “Mrs. Chubb,” so probably the whole thing was her fault and she’ll be writing the Spencer-Drivers a check soon enough.

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Funky Winkerbean, 3/26/16

Proof positive that Funky Winkerbean takes place ten years in the future: Everyone, even people going to see classic films in retro movie theaters that cater specifically to cinephiles, just talks at full volume right through the movie now. This is basically my nightmare scenario for the future, frankly. I’d rather have the killer robots take over. At least that’d be faster.

Judge Parker, 3/26/16

“Look, I don’t actually care about this arbitrary rule you broke! Why don’t you call someone over my head? Why don’t you hire my sister? Why don’t you contemplate how small my hourly rate is compared to your vast resources? DO I HAVE TO SPELL THIS OUT FOR YOU?”

Gil Thorp, 3/26/16

Oh, yeah, right, so this confrontation ended with rugby star Kenzie breaking one of the bad kid’s jaws, and now everyone feels bad and weird because you shouldn’t resolve your disputes through violence men should be violently protecting women, not vice versa. Now Coach Thorp is going to rouse himself from his usual torpor to Fix Things With The Teens, by use of clever thought experiments that definitely aren’t going give rise to lawsuits and/or lifelong emotional scars, no sir.

Hagar the Horrible, 3/26/16

OR MAYBE SHE JUST DOESN’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU GUYS, JESUS