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As America’s Thanksgiving weekend winds up, I just thought I’d give thanks for a few things:

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 11/28/08

I’m thankful for the greatest Apartment 3-G narration box ever. “As Margo’s despair deepens…” should be placed at the top of every panel in which Margo appears, and at the top of many in which she does not.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/28/08

June is thankful that Sarah hasn’t noticed that “loud older people alone time” mostly happens when Daddy is out “playing golf.”

Luann, 11/28/08

I’m thankful that we got to see T.J. talking to his parents, swatches of whose scalps he keeps in his wallet at all times, about at last finding a new set of victims.

Panel from Spider-Man, 11/28/08

I’m glad to at last see hard evidence that excessive TV watching can reduce your attention span.

The Middletons, 11/30/08

I’m glad to see that America’s funny pages can provide comic relief for those with loved ones suffering from senile dementia. Ha ha, she’s so far gone, she doesn’t even know what time of year it is!

Beetle Bailey, 11/30/08

I’m glad we got to see Beetle in charge of a whole soldier, instead of the dismembered soldier-bits he usually bosses around.

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Mark Trail, 11/13/08

You know that things in Mark Trail are about to get especially awesome when Mark strides into the midst of a gang of rowdy, bloodthirsty hillbillies, armed with nothing but his fists, his self-righteousness, and bold font. The last time he walked willingly into such a hornet’s nest of rustic hate was when he rescued Andy from a backwoods petnapping compound; first he declared his intentions to spring his beloved dog in front of armed hicks, then absorbed a kick to the groin and proceeded to toss his overalled nemesis to the pigs. Today, the clan of sinister yokels he faces is even more numerous, but Mark cares nothing for the odds, and will save yet another pet from yet another terrible fate.

The key part is that it’s a pet (or a PET, as Mark puts it). Wild raccoons: you are on your own, and will do battle with dogs to delight the rednecks for the foreseeable future. It’s nature’s way!

The real punchline of this story will come after Mark returns to the cabin in triumph to bring Sneaky home. Unable to sate the bloodlust he worked up while chained to that log, he’ll drown his beloved family in the bathtub. Mark will find their half-devoured corpses months later when he stops by to visit, and then Sue will finally be able to build that strip mall.

Mary Worth, 11/13/08

There are so many things wrong with Mary’s self-appointed mission as a relentless meddler, but here’s the wrongest: Mary really doesn’t understand human beings, or their emotions, at all. “Sorry for the years of emotional abuse! Here’s this expensive but ultimately useless bauble I purchased at a store. I know that based on the foliage here in upstate New York it’s mid-June, but, FYI, this is your Christmas present, so don’t expect anything in December. Now, who’s ready for another 18-hour practice?”

Luann, 11/13/08

And that’s the day that Luann settled on her future career: phone sex operator.

Hi and Lois, 11/13/08

It had been eleven days since Hi and Lois had forced Chip to join the Army, sold Trixie to the highest bidder, and then got in the car and driven off to parts unknown. Dot and Ditto had eaten the last edible matter in the house. Things were about to get ugly.

Marmaduke, 11/13/08

And by “leave so fast they forget their coat,” he means “are devoured the moment they take their coat off,” of course.

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Apartment 3-G, 10/21/08

It looks like Apartment 3-G, having made drug abuse and murder bland and vaguely boring, is about to do the same for China’s meddling in Tibetan monastic politics. Remember how Eric was supposed to be rescuing his brother from some combination Tibetan temple/hospital/Chinese prison thingy in Lhasa, or something? Apparently he took this Lodi character instead, which we may or may not have been told at the time? Lodi, I am assuming, is a stand-in for Gedhun Choekyi Nyima, who was chosen as Panchen Lama as a child with the Dalai Lama’s blessing; he and his family were taken out of Tibet by the Chinese government and haven’t been seen since, while the government has nominated its own candidate for the post. Gedhun/Lodi seems to be none the worse for wear for his time as a political prisoner, having learned valuable English and hiking skills. The question is, can he retain his sense of detachment from desire and suffering upon encountering the ultimate threat to any holy man: Margo Magee?

Family Circus, 10/21/08

It’s obviously unsettling that the Keanes have some kind of gargantuan microwave that can heat up an entire full-sized pizza, though that may explain why Billy thinks that nuking food qualifies as “making” it. Poor Jeffy is once again stuck with the being-baffled-by-everyday-slang role usually reserved for comical foreigners, robots and aliens, and dorky white dudes. But what really gets me about this cartoon is the drooping tip of Billy’s pizza. I imagine that he’s gesticulating with the slice, the tip flopping up and down as he does so, grease splattering everywhere. I think that it would be pretty hypnotic to watch; no doubt that’s what Mommy is focusing on, which is why she looks so beatific despite being surrounded by morons.

Luann, 10/21/08

“I mean, Toni never talks about him, but he hangs around in my mind … brawny … vaguely threatening … half-dressed…”

Mary Worth, 10/21/08

Oh, Dr. Jeff, always so bad at strategy. If you’re going to try to escape Mary’s clutches, you don’t announce it. You just leave town the minute she walks out the door. You can set her condo on fire on your way out if it would make you feel better.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/21/08

Ha ha, Rex is grinding something! Get it, because … ha ha … grinding … oh, what’s the use.

Based on Sarah’s weird, distorted face in the final panel, I’m guessing the wind is so strong and the boats are tilting because they’ve accidentally wandered into a nuclear weapons test site. Soon everyone will be killed in a ball of flame, which will at least alleviate the boredom of watching a sailboat race.