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Your COTW momentarily, but first: for those of you who missed my Stoop Storytelling appearance (which I’m assuming is pretty much all of you, seeing as I didn’t announce it until after tickets were sold out, because I’m a loser), the audio from said story is now online, and you can listen to it here! (Note that the audio will play as soon as the page loads, so make sure that anyone within earshot wants to hear the harrowing tale of my Jeopardy failure before you click.)

Also, anyone who views Luann’s treatment of human sexuality with mingled fascination and horror ought to check out faithful reader yellojkt’s Creepiest Luann Contest.

And now … your comment of the week!

“Wait, are we sure that’s a spy in today’s installment of Crock? Because from the list of his grievances, I’m pretty sure they’re about to execute Andy Rooney.” –BigTed

And the hilarious runners up!

“Is anyone besides me wondering what Doc does in that lab? Make the crystal meth that’s required to tolerate a conversation with Mark and Cherry? Keep Rusty’s animated corpse chugging along? Engineer the giant squirrels?” –buckyswife

“Given the many, many times that we’ve seen Marmaduke and Mrs. Hitler getting freak nasty, I think it’s clear that Marmaduke has a very intense foot fetish. The coquettish feigned innocence is part of the foreplay. And I am deeply disturbed that the preceding two sentences came out of my brain.” –The Ghost of Jarrod

“I can also forgive myself for not realizing that the knock-kneed swoon of Marmaduke-lady was meant to convey coy girlishness. I guess I always assumed she has the same problem that all of the blurry, floppy Marmaduke characters have: some sort of congenital spine disorder.” –Dumb Blonde

“I hate to dispute Margo, but as far as I can tell: Not ending up with Tommie for the rest of your life = Success!” –Darkefang

“By my count there are at least three crimes against hand-nature in this Gil Thorp: the disembodied monstrosity and the headslap flipper in panel 1, and the face-graft in panel 2. It’s getting sexier in here already!” –Steve S

“Yes, yes, this being Gil Thorp, the sexy swimsuit issue will feature a fully-clothed girl talking to another through the bathroom door as the latter changes; then some random hands; maybe some field hockey the next day; and Gil and Kaz describing all of it in the coach’s office come August.” –teddytoad

“I’m confused. When Margo says, ‘that mistake could have been fatal,’ exactly whom is she threatening to kill? And please, couldn’t she go ahead and kill that person anyway?” –Nekrotzar

“He certainly couldn’t literally bore someone to death, because if boredom could actually kill, all of Tommie’s ‘friends’ would’ve died years ago.” –Alan’s Addiction, wondering how anything involving Gary could possibly be fatal

“More likely, the infamous Charterstone pool party erupts in a cavalcade of conservationist antics, as Trail and boy-ward Rusty capture Ian Cameron in a net, mistaking him for some sort of man-bear hybrid/missing link.” –Jilliterate, on the possibility of a Mark Trail–Mary Worth crossover

“Ahh, the joys of youth, when you can fit into a soft drink carton bikini instead of having to wear a soft drink carton one-piece, which just looks ridiculous.” –Rob

“This being Gil Thorp, I’m fairly certain that they won’t be using the word ‘sexting’. I can hardly wait to see what suitably Puratinco-Luddite phrase Gil will coin to refer to the phenomenon of ‘taking cell phone photos of adolescent girls in swimwear that looks suspiciously like a leftover costume from a 1932 Flash Gordon serial.'” –annabanana

“I think I may just take a liking to Delilah. She already has the best hair of any Mary Worth guest star dating back to Chester the Dog, and she’s sly enough not to say too much over the phone, which for all she knows is plugged into the Charterstone public address system.” –Mooncattie

“Of course Mark didn’t see anything written on the barrel when he was standing right in front of it. Mark’s just reading the brand name of the magnifier etched on the edge of the lens. ‘I’ve found the culprit: Bausch and his partner Lomb!'” –NotThatGuy

“Gil and Kaz are getting bombed on the sidelines, and why the hell not. We only have to read Gil Thorp; they have to live it.” –Charlene

“It should be noted that the rule for reading Wolverine/Spidey team-ups is always to read it like they’re seeing each other having once upon a time had an awkward one-night stand.” –Papers

“We get it, Crock. The characters are French. There is no need to strap one to a baguette.” –Isaac

“I love how the folks behind the Spider-Man daily tease us with the visages of all these cool supervillains in panel two, only to completely let us down by showing supposedly bad-ass Wolverine wearing a jogging suit in panel four and what appears to be vintage captoe swing-dancing shoes in panel five.” –Three Owls

“He hates Facebook, get it? Because the people who write the comic are friendless non-entities.” –It’s time to pay the price

“Some of you may laugh at the idea of Mark doing research on the Google and all. But when he can’t find what he wants and he punches the Internet, we’re ALL going to be sorry.” –buckyswife

“At last, today’s strip gives me what I’ve always wanted in Gil Thorp: all of the ‘different’ ‘characters’ lying on the ground, dead or dying. I hope this lasts all week!” –Hip Young Urban Plugger

“We long to see Mary Worth re-imagined as a Victorian melodrama. We should be careful what we wish for. Apparently, Ms. Moy and Mr. Giella can only reach back to 1967, and that only via an old Playboy discovered in Mr. Giella’s hope chest.” –Fashion Police

“I assume ‘I am the second officer!’ is more of a threat. ‘I have set this ship to crash upon the rocks and only I can undo it! Mua ha ha ha!'” –Carly

“You gotta love Toby’s superb display of passive aggression: ‘We’re so looking forward to our trip to Scotland!‘ (Leaning in for the kill shot of a sympathetic hand on the shoulder:) ‘Where was it you’re going to spend your summer, Mary dear?’ On the other hand, maybe it’s all a ruse for slipping some particularly loathsome corrosive agent in Mary’s drink. If so, I will buy Toby the 15-inch rubber sex toy of her choice.” –boojum

And PeteMoss, capping a discussion of comics ladies and their shoe-shopping ways, made me laugh with “‘I once complained about shopping for shoes, until I met a man who was shopping for feet.’ — Ziggy”

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

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Luann, 5/29/09

You probably thought that Luann, with its long tradition of stomach-churning will-they-or-won’t-they quasi-romances that manage to simultaneously be ludicrously chaste and all about sex, couldn’t get any squickier. But that was before Luann’s gnomish millionaire paramour announced his intention to impregnate her in front of a classroom full of children.

Mary Worth, 5/29/09

You probably thought that the current Mary Worth storyline, which seems determined to prove that women can’t choose their own life partners on the Internet and should instead acquiesce to be bred to whatever good stock their fathers select for them, couldn’t get any more retrograde and insulting. But that was before Detective Scott, who almost certainly makes significantly less than Dr. Adrian, informed her in no uncertain terms that her economic autonomy was not something that was going to be troubling her any longer.

Beetle Bailey, 5/29/09

You probably thought that Sarge’s sexual life — in which he is constantly fending off advances from Sgt. Lugg, while sublimating his forbidden lust for Beetle through acts of increasingly desperate violence — was pretty depressing. But that was before a coloring error made it appear that he was forced to endure sexual harassment from General Halftrack’s wife.

Non-comics-related update: Special last-minute probably-already-sold-out Josh public appearance information!

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Hi and Lois, 5/11/09

Well, here it is: the first Hi and Lois in living memory at which I laughed more or less unironically, mostly because I think They Buried Beethoven Alive! would be the great name of a low-budget zombie flick. The thought of the greatest composer of the Romantic period shuffling through the streets of Vienna and moaning melodically for brains is ever so delightful to me. (The victory of the living would come when the film’s hero realizes that undead Beethoven was still deaf, meaning that anti-zombie hunters could sneak up on him from behind undetected.)

Anyway, my amusement at the joke was genuine enough that it seems churlish to point out that it doesn’t really make much sense. I suppose it’s just the usual “Ha ha, the hip-hop music that the kids today enjoy is the nadir of human creative expression, let us be ever so smug about it by invoking the name of people who died 200 years ago,” but I can’t figure out why exactly Beethoven’s corpse would find a teenager’s financial success in the music world to be shocking. Beethoven grew up a generation after Mozart had made musical child prodigies trendy, and had himself performed (paid) public concerts at the age of seven. Maybe he would just think it improper that the rapping lad is in control of his own finances and is spending money on gaudy palaces, when everyone knows that a great composer ought to live in an apartment rented for him by a bishop-elector or archduke.

Archie, 5/11/09

This strip gives me an opportunity to share a link to a blog post several faithful readers sent me a few weeks ago, explaining the origins of Jughead’s hat. In short, it’s about as retro piece of costuming as you can get, as you might have realized if you had, say, thought about it for more than 30 seconds. Still, I kind of like this strip, mostly because everyone is so angry at Jughead. They take their theme parties seriously in Riverdale, by God.

Apartment 3-G, 5/11/09

It’s no secret that Margo and Tommie don’t always get along, but it appears that, having joined forces to defeat a man in combat, they’re finally bonding a little bit. Margo has broken out a bottle of her finest black bile for the occasion, and is even letting Tommie wear her sexy Han Solo vest.

Luann, 5/11/09

Last week, Brad was injured saving Toni from a fall while the two of them were fighting a fire, and in gratitude she agreed to serve as his “day nurse” while he was recovering. Today, we realize that this storyline will be even more repulsive than any of us could have imagined. “But … all the naughty nurses in the movies on hotscatporn.com thought it was a real turn-on!”