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Mary Worth, 3/14/16

Oh, did you think Mary Worth had reached its apex with “Mary and Jeff tell the waiter at their favorite restaurant that the restaurant where he works is their favorite restaurant?” Not by a long shot, bucko. Here, enjoy “Mary and Jeff stand on a deserted boardwalk and talk about what makes New York so exciting. Is it all the things that happen there? Yes, probably.” You know where you wouldn’t see people wasting time with this kind of blah blah? New York City! People are too busy hustling and bustling to engage in this kind of self-reflection. (Ha ha, just kidding, New Yorkers are contractually obligated to turn towards the camera and say “Only in New York! The greatest city in the world!” when anything even vaguely interesting happens to them.)

Slylock Fox, 3/14/16

Hmm, as I read the details of this scenario, it sounds like Shady’s explanation of events is entirely plausible. Maybe another truck swerved into his lane and, technically, the traffic in that lane was supposed to be going in a direction other than the one in which Shady was driving. Who’s to say? Look at how eager Shady is to tell his tale to Slylock. Does that look like a shrew who’s committed a crime?

Dick Tracy, 3/14/16

This Dick Tracy storyline in Cuba is still happening, I guess? Today Dick is holding a bad guy at gunpoint and forcing him to piece through a pile of rubble by hand to find his friends, who are either terribly injured or dead. Dick doesn’t seem that broken up about it, though! At least he’s finally getting to force somebody to do something at gunpoint.

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Spider-Man, 3/4/16

You know, last week when I accidentally mistook this storyline’s antagonist for Dr. Strange, some people got mad at me. How dare I call myself the Comics Curmudgeon when I can’t even properly curmudgeon about prominent comics characters! Well, joke’s on you people: I care a million times more about Mary Worth than I do about anything that happened in a superhero comic book ever. The fun thing about reading Newspaper Spider-Man for me is having really no preconceptions about what exactly is supposed to be happening at any given moment. Like, if I had been paying attention to the Marvel universe at all the I wouldn’t have the joyful moment of discovery today when I learned that Dr. Strange’s name is Stephen. Steve! Steve Strange! Oh, this is a delight.

Mary Worth, 3/4/16

“That’s great, Mary, great. You always have friends. I never have to worry about you being lonely. I just, sometimes … how come nobody ever worries about me? Poor, lonely Dr. Jeff. You were gone, what, six weeks? Eight? I just … I get tired, you know. Tired of this life. I gotta … I’m just gonna rest my forehead on the steering wheel for a few minutes. Just rest my eyes. Wave the other cars around us, OK?”

Mark Trail, 3/4/16

“I meant … I meant sex, OK? I regret it now. It’s stupid and I regret it. I don’t want to die in a cave!” [sobbing]

The Lockhorns, 3/4/16

If there aren’t a half-dozen improv teams named Drunk Leroy Lockhorn formed by the middle of next week, I’m going to be very disappointed.

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Crankshaft, 2/22/16

The phrase “bet the farm” comes from an earlier era, when agriculture was the primary economic activity and a significant portion of the population lived on small family farms. To many people of that era, a farm was a home and a job and a family legacy and a retirement fund, all wrapped up in one; to “bet the farm” meant, in essence, to gamble everything you had. Thus, Crankshaft’s malapropism is for once appropriate. Crankshaft definitely needs access to a pharmacy to live! He’s very old and not particularly healthy.

Mark Trail, 2/22/16

“…I’m only teasing! Definitely do not try to get out more often. Stay here, safe in this cave, for the rest of time! You’ll see how boring my life is as the three of us gradually slip into isolation-induced delirium, here in this kingdom of eternal darkness!”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/22/16

Ya can always count on yore fambly … t’just straight up beat the shit out of you! Punch you right in the God-damned face! I know it’s Monday and everything, but this strip is particularly grim.