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Blondie, 3/21/20

We’ve all had our dark suspicions about Elmo’s home life, and why he spends so much time at the Bumsteads’ house. Today things hit rock bottom in Elmo’s family, and I for one am glad we were spared the spectacle of his mother drunkenly telling him to get out of the house with the rest of the garbage.

Mark Trail, 3/21/20

Oh, wow, who knew this trip was going to be a grim game show where one! … lucky! … orphan! … gets a FAMILY!!! Do you think the kids know? Probably not, because otherwise blondie here would be on better behavior! Ha ha, enjoy your gruel back at the orphanage, bully! Readers of Woods and Wildlife will be enjoying your tale as a moral cautionary example once Mark’s story drops!

Crankshaft, 3/21/20

Say what you will about the Funkyverse, but at least everyone in it is fully aware of how insufferable they all are. Well, I guess it’s more accurate to say that everyone is aware of how insufferable everyone else is, but not aware of their own particular brand of insufferability. In that sense it truly is a No Exit-style existentialist hell.

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Mary Worth, 3/20/20

I think as we accelerate into this pandemic, more and more comics are going to be taking on unexpected resonance that wasn’t intended when they were written and sent to the syndicate months ago. Surely the original intent of this strip was “oh my GOD Dawn is CHEATING ON HER HOT, ABSENT FRENCH BOYFRIEND by MAKING FLIRTATIOUS INCIDENTAL PHYSICAL CONTENT with ANOTHER MAN like the WHORE SHE IS” but what I’m getting out of it today is “oh my GOD Dawn is SITTING ONLY A FEW FEET FROM JARED and even TOUCHING HIM even though they HAVEN’T WASHED THEIR HANDS and sure she’s young and probably would be ok if she developed symptoms, but what if she brought the coronavirus back to CHARTERSTONE and infected VULNERABLE OLDER ADULTS like Mary and Ian and Dr. Jeff and … you know, let’s not be too hasty about panicking here, hmmm.”

Mark Trail, 3/20/20

I think it maybe did too much for your self-esteem, buddy. Look at that smug expression! Any more self-esteem and you’re gonna sprain your entire face!

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Dustin, 3/15/20

Incredibly, it seems that there must be a limit the amount of cross-generational abuse Dustin can absorb from his father, because apparently the hateful old man feels the need to leave the house to dump it onto others as well. Thanks for accommodating this gentleman as you’re wrapping up for the day, Starbucks employees! Probably you’ve walked through the steps of taking an order repeatedly over the past several hours, putting you pretty much on automatic pilot about what you’re doing. So here, let your last customer of the evening really theatrically make you feel like an asshole about it! Bet you wish you had locked that door exactly at closing time now, huh?

Mark Trail, 3/15/20

Mark Trail is many things — an adventurer, a sort-of dad, a murderer — but above all, he is a man of science. Some might claim that the pika is the cutest animal out there, but he won’t believe it until he sees a rigorous, peer-reviewed study proving it.