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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/7/12

Trust me, old people: Young people think they don’t want to hear about you having sex, but what they really don’t want to hear about is how you actually lost interest in sex years ago, and someday they will too.

Crankshaft, 7/7/12

Ha ha, Crankshaft thinks he can hide his plans from the all-knowing Deity! Look, Crankshaft, it’s not like God wants to know about your innermost thoughts and feelings, as they’re no doubt extremely distasteful. But unfettered access to your soul is just one of the burdens of omnipotence.

Marmaduke, 7/7/12

Aww, this scene is so sweet and romantical that I’m not even going to do my usual “Marmaduke is a Lovecraftian demon from below hell” shtick with it. But I do want to point out that Marmaduke’s neighbors are dogsex-lovin’ perverts.

Mary Worth, 7/7/12

Oh my goodness, if Wilbur and Dawn’s Italian cruise ends like this, this Mary Worth storyline will truly be the most amazing in recent memory.

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Marmaduke, 6/12/12

Oh, Dottie! I understand the urge to you have to revel, just for a moment, in your victory over Marmaduke, to let him know that you beat him, right before you plunge the obsidian dagger into his enormous heart and send his dark soul back to the hell-dimension from which it came. But his moments of weakness are so few and so fleeting that you can’t waste time gloating. In fact, one huge eyelid is already creaking open, meaning things are about to get very bad for you very quickly.

Dennis the Menace, 6/12/12

On the other end of the “committing violence against living things on your property” spectrum, taking out your aggression on plants has to be some of the least menacing business I can think of.

Apartment 3-G, 6/12/12

It looks like the offspring Scott implanted in Nina’s body is finally ready to burst out through her chest. Guess she was right to be freaked out about this pregnancy after all!

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Mary Worth, 6/8/12

I was about to make fun of the very concept of offering to find some random busybody to fill in for you on your job while you jet off to Italy for two months, but then I realized I’ve actually been on both ends of this scenario — I’ve covered for someone on vacation, and I’ve conned one of my friends into doing the same for me. But that was for weeks, not months, and the work involved was your typical mid-’00s freelance web dronery, not a crucial task like writing the “Ask Wendy” advice column for Santa Royale’s top newspaper. This seems like a much more shocking abdication of responsibility.

Anyway, Wilbur is so excited about the idea of Mary filling in for him as Ask Wendy that he’s forgetting the #1 rule of finding a temporary replacement for yourself, which is that you don’t want them to be so good that they become a permanent replacement. Mary is of course an advanced advice-giving practitioner, and while I don’t know exactly what Wilbur’s advising skills are like, I’ve seen how he lives his life, and I’m frankly pretty unimpressed.

Apartment 3-G, 6/8/12

“Something has changed. I feel different. Oh, hey, looks like I had my baby while I was asleep! Whaddyaknow, I was all freaked out that it was going to kill me and it turns out it didn’t even wake me up. If only Scott were here to see it. Oh, why did I push him away?! Oh, right, because of the whole thing where he was macking on some other chick. That’s actually a pretty good reason. Welp, guess I’ll go get breakfast. Do babies eat breakfast? Enh, I’ll figure that out later.”

Marmaduke, 6/8/12

OH NO MARMADUKE HAS LEARNED TO HARNESS THE MIGHTY POWER OF THE SUN

NONE OF US IS SAFE