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Spider-Man, 1/2/09

If there’s one thing you have to respect Spider-Man for, it’s its recognition of its own narrative limitations. A strip with more self-confidence might try to weave a coherent storyline, dropping crucial bits of information in expository dialog that’s been carefully tailored to seem natural, to establish the changed dramatic milieu. But the Spider-Man newspaper strip would fail utterly at that, obviously, so instead it just keeps interrupting itself every few panels to shriek “THIS IS WHAT’S HAPPENING! IT’S FOR REASONS RELATED TO THE COMIC BOOK, WHICH YOU DON’T READ! ISN’T IT AWESOME AND INTRIGUING?” at you.

By the way, contrary to anything the final panel might have you believe, there will be absolutely no surprises in store in the Spider-Man newspaper strip ever again, or at least not until it makes another arbitrary time/profession/relationship jump eighteen months after something vaguely similar happens in the comic books. “Now Spidey is divorced, working as a systems analyst, and living in Bay Ridge! He’s still a putz, though.”

Marvin, 1/2/09

I have no idea why Marvin, who revels in his non-potty-trained status, is in this grim death-line to the now-extended family’s single toilet. Presumably he’s going to wait until everyone starts feeling really uncomfortable due to nature’s call, then crap in his pants, just because he can.

Apartment 3-G, 1/2/09

It was probably inevitable that the Battle Between Gary And Dr. Kelly For Tommie’s Love would eventually devolve into The Battle Between Gary And Dr. Kelly In Which Each Attempts To Fob Tommie’s Love Off Onto The Other.

Ziggy, 1/2/09

Jeez, Ziggy, you’re looking awful mopey there for someone whose pharmacist is scoring him some prescription medication for recreational use. Try to make an effort, huh?

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Apartment 3-G, 12/21/08

Of late, the Sunday Apartment 3-Gs have consisted entirely of recaps of what went down the preceding week. Today’s strip does advance the plot a tiny bit (and what more can we ask from a soap opera strip?) with Tommie’s final-panel thought balloon. You’ve probably never noticed Dr. Kelly’s handsome smile because you’ve never submitted to his workplace-based sexual advances before, Tommie.

The Tommie storyline on display here — Tommie was sort of seeing this guy and was kind of falling for him, but he’s been cold and distant lately, so she’s thinking about going out with some other dude — exemplifies exactly why Tommie doesn’t get more storylines. Margo’s vigorous second-panel scarf-wrapping contains more drama than Tommie’s last fifteen strip appearances combined.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/21/08

So apparently the Rex Morgan, M.D., cruise adventure is going to be some kind of comedy of socioeconomic manners, in which the anxious, striving middle classes (represented by the all-too-eager-to-please Second Officer Tomas) will, in the absence of the revolutionized proletariat, try and fail to cater to the whims of the upper crust (represented by pouty, disgusted June and comically put-upon Rex). Frankly, I liked it better when I thought it was going to be a gay porno.

Marvin, 12/21/08

Most horrifying thing to appear in a comic strip today: “Sorry I’m late. My date with the poodle took longer than I thought … if you know what I mean!” [exaggerated hip thrusts] This Christmas, remember to have your pets spayed or neutered, folks.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/16/08

I apologize for not dwelling more on the opening salvos of the current Rex Morgan storyline, because it promises to be a doozy: the cruise line is bankrupt, the crew is in open revolt, and the ship is heading aimlessly into international waters. Rex is a practical man, and it’s well known that, after anonymous gay sex spending time with his wife and child, his main passions in life are ice cream and macaroni and cheese; therefore, it makes sense that his first thought is for how he’ll be getting sustenance on this mutinous hell-cruise. In panel three, he seems to be trying to determine exactly how soon cannibalism will be necessary, and how he can manage not to be the first to feast on his fellow passengers’ flesh but still get enough to eat and not become an entrée himself.

Hi and Lois, 12/16/08

In the spirit of always looking on the bright side of life: I wouldn’t go so far as to say that the current economic meltdown is a good thing; but the collapse of global financial markets did indirectly give rise to this cartoon, in which Hi is sporting a pleasingly gobsmacked expression. No doubt he’s realizing that, as a Generic White-Collar Suburban Cartoon Dad, he has absolutely no skills of the sort that will be useful in the coming post-collapse world (e.g., hunting, agriculture, small-unit tactics). Can any event, no matter how disastrous, that has unnerved comfortable Hi Flagston so completely be entirely bad?

Marvin, 12/16/08

Just as with Ralph the log-fucking dog, Clare’s affections are indicated in today’s Marvin by disturbingly black hearts floating above her head, and for similar reasons: her affections are sick and wrong. In this case, those hearts are there to illustrate the love life of babies. Terrible, gold-digging babies.

Marmaduke, 12/16/08

Guess who’s the bottom and who’s the top in the S&M relationship between Marmaduke and his Hitler-esque owner.