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Marvin, 7/31/18

It’s weird how the Marvin cast of babies walk around unsupervised, talk, can grasp object permanence, etc., and really the only thing that marks them out as infants is that they’re short and aren’t potty trained. Almost as if someone just really likes the idea of functional adults shitting themselves deliberately on the regular, and who am I to judge! Ha ha, just kidding, I judge constantly, and in non-shitting judging news, why would a baby be at all interested in a fountain of youth? I guess maybe as a baby he recognizes the extreme jealousy his youth inspires in others and seeks to monetize it; or, conversely, maybe to him “youth” means young adulthood, and he aims to accelerate his fellow babies’ aging process until their physical development matches their mental state. They’re still gonna shit their pants, though! Just a hunch I have about that.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/31/18

I’d always just pegged Parson Tuttle as an uncomplicated grifter, but now I see he has a much darker design: to use Scripture as a recruiting tool to raise an army of child soldiers, like an Appalachian Kony. Can the women in this community hold the line against the total violent breakdown of their community?

Family Circus, 7/31/18

I have to admit that seeing a sugar-drunk Jeffy announcing that he’s discovered he can just guzzle syrup straight from the bottle and plans to continue to do so made me smile. The only way this panel could be even better would be if, instead just a single demure droplet of syrup at the corner of his mouth, he was completely covered in the stuff, like he had poured it over his head and let ooze down and form a delicious, sticky mask. Can’t even open his eyes because of the syrup and happy as a clam, a dumb, gross, syrup-soaked clam.

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Gil Thorp, 7/17/18

So it’s mid-July, and Gil Thorp’s “spring” plot is still happening, but at least it seems to be getting to a semi-satisfying climax, which is this: Barry’s mom is sorry she didn’t intervene over the years, but now that her drunk husband is in jail, it’s safe for her to tell her son that, yup, he’s an asshole. Where she really breaks new ground in the world of Gil Thorp is by asserting that becoming an asshole just to get better at high school baseball isn’t actually cool or good. The whole thing is coming off as kind of an intervention with Barry, and I appreciate the tack Ace Reporter Dafne is taking. Barry, so many preppy jocks become intellectual stoner guys in college! High school libertarians are suddenly freshman-year socialists! Why, less than a month ago, Dafne herself was white! All you have to do is not act like every single interaction with another person is a contest for dominance that you’re on the verge of losing and have to pull out all the stops to win! We believe in you! You can do this!

Hagar the Horrible, 7/17/18

An underrated and extremely unsettling running gag in Hagar the Horrible is “Lucky Eddie’s life partner is a mermaid, whose daughter he sold to a zoo.” Anyway, since Hagar and Helga have actually double-dated with Eddie and his fish-woman paramour, I’m not sure why he’s pretending to be ignorant here. C’mon, Hagar, this is a post-The Shape Of Water world here, fishfucking is totally OK now!

Hi and Lois, 7/17/18

Usually it’s Thirsty’s yard that’s depicted as being littered with trash, as one of this strip’s understated class/classiness markers, so I guess you can understand why the visibly rumpled drunkard feels the need to get a little dig in about the Flagstons’ slovenliness. Still, since Hi is Thirsty’s best and, as near as we can tell, only friend, it does seem like an ill-advised move.

Marvin, 7/17/18

FINALLY, MARVIN WILL FACE PROSECUTION FOR HIS MANY CRIMES

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Marvin, 6/25/18

Like most world famous comics bloggers, I usually turn to the virtual funny pages every morning, scan the strips, and think to myself, “Is this one about me?” I mean, sometimes it’s obvious, but other times it’s a little unclear, like today! Because, on the one hand, sure, I’m on the record as hating on Marvin constantly, without even a tiny leavening modicum or grudging respect, and I’m one of the last bloggers alive, since everyone else quit years ago and moved on to [checks notes] creating content for “Instagram stories” or whatever. But on the other, the Marvin creative team may not be that current with developments in online publishing (the tell is the use of the clunky phrase “blog writer”) and it is long-established strip canon that Bitsy is a blogger (sorry, “blog writer”), so maybe I’m not personally being insulted. It’s also long-established strip canon that Marvin and Bitsy hate each other! Just like every character hates ever other character. It’s really just mutual loathing all the way down! It’s funny how we don’t talk about that so much, which I guess is because all the shitting is even worse.

Mary Worth, 6/25/18

Ha ha, Tommy’s in love after one date, everyone! This is definitely an emotionally healthy development that isn’t related to his addictive personality, at all. I’m pretty proud of him for lulling his mom into a sense of complacency by starting slow but then gradually ramping up over the course of the sentence so that everything seems really chill and relaxed about this falling in love thing. Surely he wanted to blurt it out immediately, and was going cross-eyed at the effort of holding it in.

Spider-Man, 6/25/18

Ahh, Dr. Christine Palmer, the [Googles because it’s being boldface-yelled at us like we’re supposed to recognize it] beloved Marvel character who is Doctor Strange’s colleague and occasional girlfriend, and who is played in the movies by [squints at the marvel cinematic universe dot wikia dot com article and then at panel two here] … Rachel McAdams? That seems … not right.

Hi and Lois, 6/25/18

Ha ha, it’s funny because the twins don’t want to go to summer camp but Lois doesn’t want them around so they’re going to summer camp, and the twins know that’s why they’re going to summer camp, and they resent it! That’s … literally the joke of this strip, I think?